Author frustrated_dude Posted May 7, 2007 Author Posted May 7, 2007 It's always good to hear another point of view. I am by no means trying to cut my wife off from her sister. They spend every Sunday together religiously, we go on a week long vacation together every year. I don't necessarily need to be #1 in my wife's eyes, a close #2 would be nice. What is disturbing is I told my wife I feel like I am #4 on her list, behind, Dee, her neice (Dee's daughter) and her mother. My wife concurred that was accurate and felt there was nothing wrong with that. Now that hurt. I cook my own dinner everyday for the past 3 years, except on the once a month occassion my wife decides to cook. I do my own laundry every Sunday. When I've asked her to help out with the cooking and laundry she tells me she doesn't feel like doing it. I could live with this. What is bothersome is when Dee drops off her laundry for my wife to do, or when my wife cooks for her sister and I am only allowed to have a small bowl. My wife does get annoyed when Dee does this, but Dee lays the guilt trip on her and my wife fold's as if it's her duty. I'll take your criticisms, but forgeting about me for a minute, Dee's dependency on my wife is negatively affecting her too. My wife is in therapy to help her with her situation with her family. She feels exhausted dealing with her family drama and caretaking. In the past, when she would complain about them, I would jump on the bandwagon because I interpreted that as permission to join in. I've learned, it's best just to support how she feels and not add fuel to the fire as this has resulted in my wife feeling I've attacked her family.
Author frustrated_dude Posted May 7, 2007 Author Posted May 7, 2007 4whatItsWorth, I have a question that hopefully you will answer. I'm not looking for an arguement or debate. I truly try to listen to all points of view and even if I don't agree with someone, I can learn from listening to their point of view. That being said, from your point of view as the little sister, what do you consider crossing the line, intruding into someone's marriage or being too much of a burden on an older brother/sister ? I hope you will answer, as it would help me understand Dee's and my wife's point of view.
silentcharon Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 I haven't read anywhere in this thread about you filling her needs. Have you considered that perhaps, the sister is providing her the needs that you aren't filling? Your wife wants to feel needed, that she is important in someones life- so if you have not been filling her needs, I wouldn't be surprised if that was why she's been caring for her sister. I would suggest that YOU write down a list of what you have done lately for her, nice things like flowers, little love notes, complimented her, helped her out that is beneficial to only her, etc etc. Be honest with yourself- if you have only checked out a few, it's more than likely you have not been filling her needs. Something to think about
Guest Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 You made some good observations. I am a very mentally strong and independent person. The therapist pointed out that if in the past, I was a little more needy and let her do some "caretaking" on me, that would have been a good thing and helped meet her instinct. Right now, it will be misinterpreted and unappreciated since she wants to leave me. Funny thing about flowers. For 11 years straight, without a single miss, I sent my wife flowers for valentines day, anniversary, birthday, and once or twice a year, just because. I always sent them to her at work, as she liked the attention and jealousy of her co-workers. This year, she said she didn't want flowers at all for any occassion.
Author frustrated_dude Posted May 8, 2007 Author Posted May 8, 2007 Sorry for the duplicate posts. Sometimes this board has a long delay in showing my posts. Anyway. That's a good observation silentcharon. I could and should be more appreciative and attentive to her needs. The therapist did point out that my strong independent personality might be in conflict with my wife's instinct as a caretaker. I was taught and raised to be independent, able to cook, clean, take care of myself. My wife probably felt I didn't need her. Well, I am a stupid man, and sometimes it takes something drastic to wake me up. Boy do I ever need her and her love. I hope I am not too late. Funny thing about flowers. For the past 11 years without a miss, I sent my wife flowers every valentines day, anniversary, birthday and once or twice a year just because.
Woggle Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 It might be better for you to cut your losses and let her go. If you two don't have any kids it will be much easier to just get out. If she wants out you two might be able to do this like civil adults. Your wife should not cook for you every night but if she does cook it is rude to tell you that you can't have any and is meant to show disdain for you. You mean very little to her so just let go.
4whatItsWorth Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 4whatItsWorth, I have a question that hopefully you will answer. That being said, from your point of view as the little sister, what do you consider crossing the line, intruding into someone's marriage or being too much of a burden on an older brother/sister ? I hope you will answer, as it would help me understand Dee's and my wife's point of view. Well, IMHO in my case my problem is that my brother is actually taking his g/fs side before me. Whatever I say or do is wrong, while he is too blinded by her to realise she is being harsh against me. She even said "I'm not gonna come home to your house again if your sister is there. She is a freak." She said that after my brother had yelled at me for 5 minutes because I asked her not to use my shampoo. (I asked. Not yelled.) However, I would expect as a sister to be able to visist my bro's home if I wanted to. If I needed some cash, I'd expect him to be willing to help out - even if I told him no it's my problem I'll deal with it. To me it's the thought that counts more than the actual action. My brother is the only sibling I have, and I think it might be the same for Dee? Perhaps she feels like you are trying to take her sister's attention away from her and "fixes" it by trying to involve herself as much as she can. Again, I think it has to do with being used to being "the little sister" and insecure and jelaous that if she doesn't then her sister might just cut her out completely. I don't think Dee is trying to ruin your marriage or making it hard on your sister, I think she might believe her sister is fine with all the sacrifices because she doesn't seem to say or do anything in the opposite. Dee might not even realise she is being somewhat a burden. I'd say fine if your sister helps her out if she is recovering from an operation, however, instead of putting down more money for the girl to change herself - it'd be better to get her to boost up the self-esteem so she will quit that. Perhaps your wife sees no other way than to help pay. Perhaps when they are alone, Dee cries her eyes out and your wife stands there helplessly trying to fix her little sisters problems. For all you know, Dee might be miserable. Bad behaviour is often used to cover something else up. Something more deep. I really think the problem lies within Dee herself. And perhaps your wife needs to realise what she is doing isn't helping Dee, it might even backfire on her. I am sorry you are 4th to your wife. That is not the way it should be, I agree on that.
Author frustrated_dude Posted May 8, 2007 Author Posted May 8, 2007 Thanks for responding. It's interesting to read the thought processes that might be going through Dee's head. A little more background. My wife and I are 42, Dee is 41. They have a brother. Their mother lives close by as do 2 aunts and many cousins. This is my 1st marriage. Dee is on her 3rd. With all the posts it's easy to get things crossed. Things weren't always like this. Dee's dependence on my wife grew tremendously when she cheated on her 2nd husband and got pregnant by her lover (now 3rd husband). Dee was delighted and announced to the family she was pregnant. Her family was shocked and appalled. Not only did she cheat on her husband, get pregnant, but she showed no guilt or remorse and expected everyone to look past her infidelity and be happy that she was pregnant. Her whole family turned a cold shoulder except my wife. As the lone family member and friend to emotionally support Dee, her dependence on my wife skyrocketed. Once Dee was further in her pregnancy and divorced her husband, her family accepted her back. But her dependency on my wife remained and continues to this day. At this same time, I was working very long hours to become partner at my firm. My wife felt neglected and unappreciated. IMHO, these 2 events are what divided us. My wife never totally forgave me. It's been difficult to mend the marriage. I don't think Dee is purposely interferring. I think it's just her low self esteem and dependence on my wife. Never the less, she has affected things. The therapist told me, for my wife's own mental health, she needs to alter her relationship with her sister. To gain back her own identity, she needs to cut back Dee's dependence and not be so much of a caretaker. Therapist said this needs to happen 1st before any mending of the marriage can occur. Even then so, it might be too late. One good sign, my wife says she is tired of all her family drama and wishes they would leave her alone for a little while. Bad sign for me, she looked at apartments yesterday and we discussed what she will take when she moves out. I haven't given up yet. I remember the great marriage we had and I want that back.
Woggle Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Like I said before I think this marriage is over. Your wife resents you for things that really are not your doing. Her sister is her problem and you were roght for working lon g hours at the firm. If you want to be suiccessful sometimes you need to put in that extra effort and she should understand that. You would think with more women having careers today they would understand where career men are coming from but that doesn't seem to be the case.
Author frustrated_dude Posted May 8, 2007 Author Posted May 8, 2007 You may be right Woggle, but I hope not. All I know is, I'm not giving up yet. Her family and friends will be shocked if she separates me. Who knows, that may be the wake-up she needs.
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