ladyinwaiting Posted May 27, 2006 Posted May 27, 2006 Generally speaking, my finance and I have a pretty good relationship (I guess we wouldn't be engaged if we didn't!), but the one issue that does keep coming up is housework – or, more precisely, his apparent allergy to it. Now, I don't mind that I do more housework. For the most part, my standards are simply higher than his, and require more work. Moreover, much of the housework I had to do before he moved in, so his presence makes no difference – cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming etc are not an issue. However, there are other things that are really pissing me off. The washing, for example, has trebled in the year we've been solidly living together – not only does he have the usual daily clothes, he has a uniform and gym clothing and heaps of additional towels. The kitchen, too, is always messy, and the washing up pile is huge at the end of the day. Plus, he eats most of the food and just will not do the shopping. Again, I would probably accept this if I worked fewer hours than him, but I work 25% longer hour and get 75% fewer leave days. I've tried talking to him, and the discussion invariably ends with him promising "to do better." Okay. That usually involves a promise to do the washing up "tomorrow", or the clothes washing "this weekend." But he never does. I find myself torn between reminding him, and risking becoming a nag, and just doing it myself, and becoming a doormat. So far, I've tended toward the later. But I've got this cold, hard fear that this state of affairs will continue for the rest of my life. Me, working long hours, brining in 75% of the income, and coming home to find my husband watching the Simpsons amid a pile of dirty plates... Anyone else had this problem?
Curmudgeon Posted May 27, 2006 Posted May 27, 2006 Anyone else had this problem? Nope! But it will continuie to be a problem unless you set the boundaries in stone and rigidly enforce them. As long as you let him get away with sloth it will not just continue but get worse. I guarantee it!
Outcast Posted May 27, 2006 Posted May 27, 2006 It's a mistake to expect him to remember to do these things. Willard Harley's site has some good ideas about how to negotiate this issue. I suggest that you make a list of all the chores that need to be done weekly on a whiteboard or some other form of noticeboard that you can put up where you both will see it. Then, sit down with him and negotiate which things each of you will do and when. Then negotiate the method whereby one of you can remind the other if the item(s) in his or her column remain undone after the allotted time fot them to be done. He may mean to help but hasn't got the sort of mindset you have in terms of establishing habits like doing laundry, etc. so he needs a visible schedule that you both follow.
vampress1 Posted May 27, 2006 Posted May 27, 2006 Nip that $hit in the bud... I reccommend an even split of chores. This is what my husband and I do... He washes the laundry. I fold it and put it away. Whoever cooks dinner does not have to do the dishes afterwards. Emptying the dishwasher is the most hated chore for some reason so we toss a coin. I take the bathroom. He vaccuum's, dusts and sweeps the rest of the house. I usually mop the kitchen floor and he takes out the trash. We trade household chores for other chores, like returning movies, but for the most part, we know what needs to be done... if one person isn't doing what's on their list, it shows. I wouldn't consider in nagging if you were to kindly point out to your fiance that you could build sand castles with the dust build-up. If that's the chore he agreed to, it's his responsibility to step up and take care of it. We've been doing this so long we don't need a who's who list anymore, but we did start out with one on the fridge. That way you eliminate the "I thought that was your chore" discussion.
HokeyReligions Posted May 27, 2006 Posted May 27, 2006 Been there. I went on strike (for almost a year) before we finally managed a compromise. Do YOUR laundry, and YOUR shopping. Wash only YOUR dishes. Prepare YOUR favorite foods, not his. If you can have separate bathrooms that would be great. If he leave krap all over the house, pile it up with his clothes and stuff and just clean the house for you - let him pick the food wrappers and dirty dishes out of his pile of dirty laundry. I even typed up written instructions on how to use the dishwasher and washer/dryer, vacuum, etc. for my hubby - complete with illustrations. When hubby did begin to do for himself I would 'reward' him with something good to eat, or wash some of his clothes for him, or in some other way. I didn't stop being tender with him, would still give him a back rub or whatever, but I didn't clean up after him. It took a while and what finally got to him was that he was wearing clothes that were dirty and smelled of lysol and raid because I would spray them to keep the stink and bugs out of the rest of the house and he got tired of wearing dirty clothes. At the same time I stopped asking and/or expecting things from him. I took out my own garbage, cut the grass, put gas in the car -- all the things that he did before and I took for granted. That made as much of an impact as anything. Now, I do the laundry - but he does the grocery shopping. I dust and he sweeps, I clean the bathroom and he remembers to put the toilet paper on the roll when he is the one who finishes a roll. I pick up the trash and he takes it out - but he also picks up after himself. And we share other housework. We had to retrain ourselves, as well as each other.
Annacabana Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 Yes, I have had this problem for 13 years now. It is up to you if you are willing to take on the brunt of the household chores as you said for your whole life. I wish I would have talked to my husband before we got married about who was going to do what around the house. I would have went into the marriage without the expectation and not have been disappointed. As for him changing all of a sudden and start working, don't count on that until you have actually seen it and it is a lasting change.
heelsraw Posted June 3, 2006 Posted June 3, 2006 Just so all the men feel better out there, it happens to us too. I work out of home, which may be part of the problem, but I'm often the one that does laundry, dishes, takes out the trash, cleans the rest of the house, cooks dinner, drops the baby off at daycare, fixes whatever needs fixing, etc. etc. I've tried to "nicely" set some boundaries on what we both need to do. Hasn't really worked to my advantage. I hate living in a sh*&hole, so I often end up giving in. I've also tried the do only "my" cleanup and cooking, but that doesn't seem to work either. Good like with that. Personally, I can't wait until the day I get into an office.
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