Really need input...

[babydoll_mimi]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Times New Roman]Before I ask for input or advice I'd have to tell y'all my story. Here goes. I met a guy at the gym. He is 31 and I am 21. We started out as friends, kinda called eachother now and then, he did share the fact that he has 3 kids. Eventually I found out that while he wasn't living at home w/ his wife and kids, he wasn't actually divorced. They were merely separated and going through a divorce. Anyway, after a nasty custody battle, he realized due to politics, he would have had the kids taken away from him (she isn't the best of mothers, so this bothered him). For the kid's sake, he went back home, so he could go about things the right way and build a better case come the end of the year when this particular judge will be out of office. He has to watch his steps carefully now, so we only occasionally see eacother, or I'll get a private call now about once a week. He says he doesn't want me to feel obligated to wait for him, etc., but then he sometimes says things in conversation that would insinuate that when the second attempt at divorce and custody occurs in 6 months, he'd liek to be w/ me and even want a serious relationship w/ me and his kids. I guess it's hard to get input w/out knowing better details like his occupation, my situation, my projected income, personality, and love for his kids....but any input/advice/statements would be appreciated.

As far as I know, the W really isn't a good mother, this has come from family friends, several members of his family, him, things I"ve overheard her say on the phone, messages, etc. I know this probably seems like a joke to y'all b/c I'm only 21, and a year ago I would have never imagined loving a man ten years older, and becoming a step mother to THREE children, but now it seems to fit. I can deal with having her involved for life b/c of the kids, but I really do think that it's in their best interest to be w/ him full time. I don't know if it makes a difference to y'all, but while they were married, she had cheated on him at least 8 (admitted) times throughout an 8.5 yr marriage. Not that he's faultless, but as far as I've been able to gather from him, friends, family, etc. he really didn't cheat on her. He as a product of a divorce, and didn't want to put his kids through it, but finally, enough was enough. While they were separated, she had a bf, and he at first wasn't dating anyone, then he met me. My name came up in court but was quickly dismissed due to no real evidence on her part. That's why he's being so careful now b/c she probably has a PI on him ocassionally, and is taking better notice of his phone/email records. Keep w/ the replies if y'all can. You're really helping me through this. Thanks!

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[Tim'sAngel]

Hi babydoll and welcome to LS!!

 

Ok, i'm really trying hard to understand the situation he's in. I don't understanf first of all, how he would lose custody of his children if she is such a horrible mother. So he is just living in the home w/the W and the kids? Is it an actual marriage? Are they having sexual relations? I don't know if you have all the details of that or not, I'm guessing you don't.

 

As for the age thing, that really doesn't mean anything to me. My SO and I are 14 years apart in age. (He is 36 and I'm 22)

 

I can't tell you whether to wait on him or not, that is your decision. Just know that this man has alot of baggage and drama, and prolly will for the rest of his life. That can have a huge strain on a new relationship and even marriage.

[whichwayisup]

I'll add too, DO you want your own kids someday? Because he may not want more. That is a conversation you need to have with this man, because if he doesn't want more kids, and you do - Then don't get too involved with him.

 

You do sound wise and understanding of the full situation. Especially when it comes to his wife, knowing that she WILL be a part of your life because of their kids. Very mature of you.

 

It's your choice, but shield your heart. He may hurt you, unintentionally, but until those papers are signed - HE is still legally married.

[babydoll_mimi]

I asked him months ago, if he knew, or if it was too early to ask, if he would want more kids in the future. He said yes, most definitely, that he would want to have more kids in the future, when the time came. I love him so much, and I highly doubt they're having any sexual relations right now, just because things were so ugly during the divorce proceedings, and even before that. It's more of an arrangement, because he's stalling until the judge is out of office so she won't be partial to the mother. Yeah, I know she's not a good mother, and my MM is the most wonderful, supportive (emotionally & financially) father there could be, but it's mostly all politics, and too difficult to discuss the full situation online. Thanks for the input so far, and please feel free to send me more replies/ ask more questions if necessary. I can't talk to many people about this, because my family doesn't know he's still married. I kind of told them he had been divorced for a year, and when he stopped coming around as often, I told them we each had a lot going on, but I'm not mad at him, I just probably won't be seeing as much of him for a while. (Based on what I"m told about a Mother's instinct, I'm pretty sure my mom has an idea of what's going on, but she hasn't fully let on yet.)

[whichwayisup]

Does she know about you?

 

and I highly doubt they're having any sexual relations right now

I'm not saying he IS - But many MM lie to their OW about this. If he is sleeping in the same bed as her (which he may or may not tell you if he is) then more than likely they ARE having sex. Just keep your eyes open. Until those papers are signed and sealed, don't put all your eggs in one basket with this man.

[babydoll_mimi]

I agree with you about most MM lying about sexual relations w/ their W. That's part of the reason I haven't asked yet, because even if I did, there's no guarantee that his answer would be the truth. However, I am not being naive when I say that I HIGHLY doubt it at this point. Now, if things become more tolerable in the coming months, I'm not going to say that they won't begin to have sexual relations, because that would set her suspicions off about his motives for moving back in. But, for right now, I think it's a mutual decision by both of them that they not sleep together.

[Tim'sAngel]

Does she know about you?

 

 

I'm not saying he IS - But many MM lie to their OW about this. If he is sleeping in the same bed as her (which he may or may not tell you if he is) then more than likely they ARE having sex. Just keep your eyes open. Until those papers are signed and sealed, don't put all your eggs in one basket with this man.

 

Yea I was thinking the same thing which.

 

Another thing is, if he gets custody, then you will have to help raise 3 children that arn't yours. I know you might say now that you don't mind and you really like them, and they may be goods kids I don't know, but I have yet to see anyone in your position not having problems in this area. If you have any children with this man, you will have a very large family that you will both have to support financually and emotionally. My SO has an 8 yr old daughter and a 15 yr old step daughter he raised for 10 yrs. I love my step daughter, shes a great kid, but she isn't mine so the maturnal bond isn't there. We don't see her that much since her stupid mother moved w/her new hubby to anothe state, and that is hard on my SO. There will always be problems like this when your involved with someone who has a family. Just make sure you know what your getting yourself into. I know you say you love this man but love will not fix all your problems.

[babydoll_mimi]

Thanks, your advice is definitely true, so I appreciate that. His kids are loveable and well mannered, so that helps some, but as you said, I'm not going to fool myself into thinking that it would be a complete piece of cake. As far as providing for them financially, my MM does very well for himself, and could provide for me, his kids, and any kids we would decide to have in the future. In addition, I will be out of grad school in two years, and my income would also be a good supplement. But you did bring up an important aspect of the situation. Your advice is really helping me.

[whichwayisup]

I just thought of this too. He hasn't been "on" his own. Meaning, having marriage problems, splitting up, being alone. Dealing with his baggage and the loss of his marriage. Whether or it ends on a good note or bad note, it still is a sad loss. I just hope that he isn't jumping too fast into another relationship.

 

You are really young and people do ALOT of changing in their 20's going into their 30's. Not saying that you can't handle this situation but please, put yourself first. Think ahead abit too.

 

Talk to your family as well. Lying to them, or omitting what the real situation is, isn't good. Eventually they'll find out, right? So, if this man is going to be in your life, you might as well come clean with them.

[Tim'sAngel]

I would also consider dating him for awhile before you decide to get serious. That way you could be around the kids and get used to them, and vise versa. Make sure that you can handle the situation at hand. Also, his W sounds like a jealous person if you really think she is watching him closely to make sure he isn't seeing anyone. This also makes me think they are somewhat sexually involved because if she was't interested in him that way, AND the fact that she is cheating, then JMO, I wouldn't think it would matter that much to her. Just a thought

[babydoll_mimi]

I think her motivation is the financial aspect of them reuniting, and his motivation is obviously taking the next few months to create a good case for keeping the kids when he files for divorce a second time. So, especially this soon in their reunification, I don't think that either of them want a sexual relationship. Especially b/c she had her little bf on the side, for all we know she's still seeing him, who knows. LIke I said, I'm not ruling a sexual relationship out in the future, especially so she doesnt' suspect his motives, but not at the present time. I guess I could ask him and get a better feel of what they've discussed.

[babydoll_mimi]

Does she know about you?

.

 

 

Yeah, I think she knows what was going on, only she couldn't really prove it in court. I didn't begin seeing him until they were already separated, and he was living w/ a male friend of his. She called me a few times in the beginning, but that was because she was calling every number on his phone record (even calls related to work). I didn't tell her much, but she suspected something, and it pissed her off in court when he said that I was "a very good friend, a very beautiful, intelligent young women that he met at the gym b/c I have an intense ab workout that he wanted more info on. He told the court that we then began a close friendship..." It was the funniest thing b/c he said when he said that she just looked so pissed b/c she knows I must be good looking or whatever. ANyway, if that sounds inconsiderate to her, I'm sorry, but she cheated on him 8 times during their marriage, she emotionally abused her husband and children, and still is using her children to just get more money. So, I know what I'm doing with him isn't necessarily right, but she's not so innocent herself. Obviously, if she were an innocent, unsuspecting wife, I would feel guilty. But she made it so impossible for him to complete the divorce because of hte custody issue. Hopefully the judge will be out of office in December, and he can refile for divorce, and in the meantime, he's hoping to catch her cheating AGAIN, and that might help his custody case a little. She's money hungry and extremely vindictive... ugh, this situation is just so frustrating, because I love him and I truly believe (though most of you might not) that he loves me as well. He filed for divorce, so why can't she just cut her losses, take the money he's offering, and give up the kids since she only wants them for the money anyway?

[Tim'sAngel]

I think her motivation is the financial aspect of them reuniting, and his motivation is obviously taking the next few months to create a good case for keeping the kids when he files for divorce a second time. So, especially this soon in their reunification, I don't think that either of them want a sexual relationship. Especially b/c she had her little bf on the side, for all we know she's still seeing him, who knows. LIke I said, I'm not ruling a sexual relationship out in the future, especially so she doesnt' suspect his motives, but not at the present time. I guess I could ask him and get a better feel of what they've discussed.

 

If she has a bf and is such a bad mother, how come he was denied custody? Could he just not prove it at the time?

 

SO and I eventually are going to try to get custody of his daughter, but we also must build a case. The ex isn't necessarily a bad mother, she just doesn't try hard enough to make time for her daughter to see her daddy and also, she is overweight and the ex isn't doing anything about it. The kids eat junk all the time, and its starting to show really bad. Not to mention, daughter doesn't respect ex at all and ex calls my SO up alot complaining about how she disrespects her and yells at her and wont obey her. I guess she just doesn't get that if you don't prove respect-worthy, then you wont get respected. SO's daughter doesn't give us a min worth of troube simply because she knows it will not be tolerated by me or SO

[babydoll_mimi]

I'm not one to really listen to rap or hip hop songs, but I heard this fabolous song and it seems like it was written for my MM and I, given his situation. Here it is:

Fabolous: Can't let you go

 

(feat. Lil Mo)

 

 

Baby girl

You know my situation

And sometimes I know you get impatient

But you don't put to on a show to get ovations

Take it to court and go through litagations

And I respect ya gangsta

Treat you like a princess

And put something on your neck to thank ya

Shes my pay chedda

When the startin lineup aint playin right

I come off the bench wit her

It might sound like im gassin ya

But it took time to get from the back seat to the passenger

We been creepin and sneakin

Just to keep it from leakin

We so deep in our freakin

That we don't sleep on the weekend

Wifey

A little bit uptight

Wonderin why i comin home in the middle of the night

It'll be alright if ya'll bump heads it'll be a fight

But i said it'll be alright

 

[Chorus:]

[Lil mo]

I really wanna be with you (be with you)

But I gotta be real with you (real with you)

I can't leave you alone (lone)

And I know I'm living wrong

But i can't let ya go

Your the one i want in my life (want in my life)

Already got a wife (got a wife)

Can't leave you alone (lone)

And I know I'm living wrong

But I can't let ya go

 

[Fabolous]

You aint ever step out of line

Or get out a pocket

So i made sure canary sent out your locket

To protect you, i'll get out and cock it

And you know the barrel of my gun is big enough to spit out a rocket

Oh, you gonna play dumb if cops do come through

I gotta keep the top up if my drop do come through

But i know the boutiques and the shops you run through

So i cop her one, and cop you one too

You always get a daily page, weekly ring

Plus you aint too shy to do them freaky things

I aint gotta put a band on your finger

or worry about you tellin the whole world im your new allen springer

At first you were somethin i denied

Something I would slide

Just do somethin in the ride

But shorty

Theres something that you provide

Cause the entre aint as good without somethin on the side

 

[Chrous]

 

[Fabolous]

Uh oh, i might be leavin the earth soon

My girl gonna kill me if she smells the scent of your perfume

Its gonna be a clip towards if I go back

With stains of your lip gloss on my throwback

She wont care if im a platinum rapper

If she catch me with an empty magnum wrapper

So keep it on the down low call the carsely

You seen what happened with Mr. Big and R Kelly

 

[Lil Mo]

You know care for you

Anytime this chick is there for you

Feelings i only share wit you

Which makes it a Lil Mo playa for you

[babydoll_mimi]

that last post was meant for a diff. thread. I apologize.

[NoIDidn't]

 

You are really young and people do ALOT of changing in their 20's going into their 30's. Not saying that you can't handle this situation but please, put yourself first. Think ahead abit too.

 

babydoll

 

I am with wwiu on this. You are really young and that doesn't imply immature. People DO do a lot of changing in their 20s. I am in my 30s and can tell you the person I was at 21, dating a guy with a GF from college and dumping him when they got engaged, is a completely different person today. Completely.

 

Just be careful with getting overly emotionally involved in his situation. He seems to be telling you too much about his divorce proceedings to "fill your head" so to speak. Considering you don't know his wife, be very careful about his accusations that she cheated on him 8 times during their R, unless she admitted this to you herself.

 

The fact that he already has 3 kids tells me you need to leave him alone now, whether or not he leaves his W. I had a GF who claimed to never want to get M or have kids, and today she is happily M with twins. A person that already knows the joys and stresses of children, and the pain and stress of divorce is not likely to even consider having kids again in the future.

 

I admittedly don't know the details of your situation, and rightly so, but please be careful.

[babydoll_mimi]

Thanks for your concern NoIDidn't. I understand what everyone's saying, about how I'm going to obviously change over the next ten years, and even after that. I totally understand that, and I know that the average 21 y/o isn't quite ready to take on the responsibilities of 3 step children, plus any other children that might come as a result of this hypothetical marriage. I don't know what else to say, other than the fact that I'm not the average 21y/o, I'm more mature and somewhat maternal, which is kind of hard to understand since none of you know me. My only defense is that from the outside looking in, you can never understand it, but from the inside looking out, you can never explain it. I know that many of you think I'm looking at this situation through rose colored glasses, and maybe I am...but I have had this gut feeling for weeks to just hang in there, because he really does love me, and he really is just doing this for his kids until the end of the year. I know that I could be wrong, but I've always been told to go w/ my gut, and recently also to follow my heart...and right now, my head, my heart, and my gut all tell me to please just believe this guy, and hang in there because we could have something wonderful in just a few months. I know that many of you might be laughing as you read this, because it seems like some 21y/o who is being severely strung along by an older man...and I guess without spending about 24hrs on the phone w/ you all, you'd have no way of understanding our relationship, my personality, his, our motives and capabilities, etc... I'm so lost right now, and I'm sorry if this post seems defensive, I don't mean it to be...my thoughts are simply scattered b/c it breaks my heart to know that he's living w/ her right now. But on the other hand, one of the things I love most about him is what a great, loving, devoted father he is. I know that the only thing getting him through this is knowing he's able to see those three angels everyday, and I'm glad he's able to, it just kills me to know that that B**** of a wife is mistreating and misleading both him AND the kids. Please keep asking questions/giving advice b/c I check this thread often & y'all are really helping me!

[stillhere]

When i was 21, I met my now exH. He already had 2 kids. I put my heart and soul into them. Then at 23, i got pregnant. Once my daughter was born, I sort of pushed the other 2 aside because they weren't "mine". As cruel as it sounds, i'm telling you the truth. I tried, i really did try, not to pick favorites, but my daughter came first because she was my baby and the other 2 weren't. They could tell what i was doing, and so could i. I give so much credit to anyone who can open their heart, and not choose their own over "someone else's".

 

You may be different than me, but stepkids are a huge responsibility, especially at a young age when you don't have any of your own.

 

Now, i don't see my stepkids. I talk to them on the phone, or when they are by my ex, and my stepdaughter wants to come over, and i tell her she can, but i don't go out of my way to make it happen. I've got way too much to deal with right now. The first time i saw them after i kicked him out, i cried because i felt terrible, but i have to work on what's going on with me right now.

 

Just know what you are really getting yourself into. I thought i did, and i was wrong. His kids mother was crazy too, tried pulling me out of the car by my hair, chasing us through town with the kids hanging out the window (we slowed way down when we realized they were with her). I ended up getting along with her well, but that was only for the kids sake. It's hell, just be prepared.

[babydoll_mimi]

I wish the answer were easy...I wish I had a way of knowing if he truly loved me and if we really will end up together...It's just so scary to know that the situation is basically in his hands b/c I'm in too deep to let go now, and I only hope that I can trust myself, and the feelings that I have for him/his kids/ etc...

[Sami_D]

I wish the answer were easy...I wish I had a way of knowing if he truly loved me and if we really will end up together...It's just so scary to know that the situation is basically in his hands b/c I'm in too deep to let go now, and I only hope that I can trust myself, and the feelings that I have for him/his kids/ etc...

 

Hello there. I've been reading your posts on a few threads, and I know exactly how you feel. I was there last summer. The thing is, no matter how much he loves you, he probably won't make a move soon... and you will end up feeling very sad and down. I'm just going on my own experience here ~ I don't know if you've read my story or my posts?

 

Anyway, I do think that at some point you're going to have to take back control in this. Even though you want to be with him with all your heart, and he wants the same... HE will not be the one to do anything, because he is the one who has to do all the changing, and it IS big, scary, life-changing stuff they have to deal with... women find it much easier to walk away from a M than men do.

 

Read some posts by Jessie, and Old Europe, if you haven't already done so. Also I think Karis walked away from her MM before he left his M. Being a little (or a LOT) tough with them is the only way you will get anywhere. And the sad fact is that even if you walk away and do NC... he still might not have what it takes to end his M.

 

It's not about how much he feels for you... it's about how scared they are to do it. And you being there for him... will keep him from leaving for certain.

[Seen_It_All]

Wow, it's a good thing she's such a cheater - 8 times, he claims? Well, that alone should insure at LEAST shared custody - if not FULL custody - for him. And since she's made such a habit of her cheating, I'm sure he's also got iron-clad proof of it so he can sway a judge to his side, I would imagine. I don't know why he feels he has to live at HOME with his WIFE while he's waiting for a judge to supposedly step down off the bench. Wasn't he already OUT of the house when you met him? Why couldn't he have waited for the judge to step down while still living on his own?

 

Oh, I was also wondering - how is it you definitely KNOW that his wife has cheated on him at least 8 times? Were you actually with her when she did it, or did your MM tell you that? Just curious.

 

To be honest, his so-called story is FISHY at best.

[babydoll_mimi]

She admitted to cheating throughout their 8.5 yr marriage, but in court she only admitted to having EA's.... never physical. At this point, I could care less who is to blame in their marriage, because I know that it was not TOTALLY her fault, or TOTALLY his...I do believe that they both know that it's over, and neither of them love eachother. The reason he can't wait till the judge leaves the bench and live out of their home is b/c they were already ending their divorce & custody battle, but he found out that the judge was going to give full or partial custody to the mother ( I think he said FULL custody, not totally sure). Anyway, he chose to agree to reconcilliation for the time being...but his only motive is really to stay at home and build his case, hopefully catch her cheating again, and refile for divorce in December. He realizes that this will hurt the kids b/c right know they probably think things are better w/ mommy & daddy, but he said in the long run, they'll benefit when he's able to take the kids away from her b/c she's..well...yeah that would take days to explain to y'all all the complexity there is to her situation.