scrybe74 Posted May 26, 2006 Posted May 26, 2006 I guess I'm on here to vent a little and tell my story. I couldn't tell it honestly to anyone before because of what's involved but the anonymous internet gives me a place... I'm a 32 y/o male with 2 children from two different relationships. I got married to a girl while in college when I was around 23 after only knowing her for 6 months. We had a baby 18 months later and separated 2 years after that. I became a single dad for 2 years and was really messed up from the break up. I asked her to leave because she was partying a lot and staying out all hours of the night leaving me with the baby and then coming home hung over while I was on my way out the door to work. I worried all the time about the safety of my son and so finally I drew a line in the sand and demanded that she stop partying EVERY night (once or twice a week was fine) and that when she's out..ANSWER HER CELL PHONE...she was good for about 2 weeks then blew it again so I asked her to go. I loved her deeply but felt it was the right thing to do. Deep inside I guess I felt we would separate for a few weeks or months and then get back together...I mean...we have a kid together and everything. She never looked back. In fact she didn't even visit with our son for the first few months. I struggled financially and emotionally for months. I asked her to come back, pleaded, demanded and begged some more but the answer was no.....for now. To make matters worse she started living and sleeping with someone else after only 4-5 weeks of being apart. I got angry and jealous but controlled myself. Over the next year and half I had girlfriends come and go like a revolving door. None ever lasted more than a few weeks and the vast majority were just 1 shot sex deals. During this time my ex and I would still occasionally sleep together even though we were both with someone else. This further confused me and I still believed that she would come back to me. I even had sex with her in her bed that she shared with her current BF while he was at work. She still wouldn't come back to me. I began to feel like the reason I could never really connect or commit to anyone else was because I was holding out for her. One day we had lunch and I asked her to tell me clearly once and for all whether she loved me. She said she did...but only as a friend. She didn't want to hurt me and she like the sex - (she said that she could only orgasm with me) - but that she basically didn't have the courage to end it completely with me. I was devasted and depressed for months. I was struggling at work...on my way to bankruptcy and then slowly I began to spend less time with real women and more time with porn. Next thing I know I'm hooking up with swinging couples and living the "lifestyle". I finally got burnt out and tired of the shallow life I was living and was ready for real love and a real life. A few months after I stopped sleeping around I finally met a really nice girl who was attractive, intelligent and sweet. She lived 2 hours away so we spoke on the phone a lot and began to take turns seeing each other on the weekends. I told her the truth about my past - the sleeping around, the wife (we weren't legally divorced yet) my child...everything - everything except for the porn issue ( I was still looking at it everyday). We began dating seriously and after about 8 months began talking about moving in together. I flew to her hometown to meet her family and when we got back found out that she was pregnant. I was scared and happy at the same time. Just before we found out about the preganancy she found out about my thing with porn and we had a huge fight about it. I basically told her I realize that I've been looking at it way too much but in the end I do like it. We decided to try living with it with moderation and a few limits on what kind of porn I look at etc. Basically we had a truce on this issue and time went by. We had a series of arguments about the porn but also about other things. She didn't like the movies I watched, the books i read, the magazines I read, my friends, my tv shows...the only thing she seemed to not complain about was the music I liked. She also disagreed with how I raised my son (even though she compliments me all the time on how well he behaves and how happy a kid he is). We had a major fight about spanking vs. non spanking a year ago (i believe that spanking can be okay - i don't mean BEATING a child or anything like that...just a swat on the behind if nothing else is working at that point) but she was abused when she was younger and absolutely refused to accept it spanking as an option. I told her that I wouldn't do it anymore and 15 months later (this week) I did swat my son for throwing a MAJOR tantrum - something he's never done before. He got the message and cut it out quick and we were both fine. I told her what happened later and we got into an argument which brought up a lot of stuff. I just feel like she's been trying so hard to make me into something I'm not. I've been trying so hard to make promises and be something I'm not. Finally...we talked it all out and I told her how I felt about everything - porn, raising kids, finances....you name it....we couldn't agree so decided to end things. I feel relieved. Sad but relieved. These past 10 years and 2 relationships have taught me a lot. I've made a lot of mistakes but I've got to learn to be honest from the beginning and only date someone who can handle me...warts and all. She says she still loves me and would like us to be together and that I'm a great person and father but the child-spanking and the issue with the adult movies are deal breakers for her. I respect that and told her so. Who knows where this will lead us. I now have 2 children by 2 different women. I still have custody of my son but I'm pretty sure my baby girl will go with her mother. We're just trying to figure out how we are going to untangle things like finances,etc., figure out custody and support and find out how to move on. Just wanted to share my story....
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