Devestated..

[kaytea]

Hi, My name is Katie. I have been dating my boyfriend on and off for a year and a half. We met in college and became amazing friends. Second semester we started dating, and we fell in love. He transferred to a school in NYC, while I was still in Pittsburgh. Even when we went home we were far apart- he is from Puerto Rico and I am from Georgia. Things were rocky after he transferred, but we worked them out and visited each other as much as possible. The last 5 months have been the most amazing months of my life. We fell head over hills for each other like never before. I have never felt so in love ever. I have never been as comfortable and close with a person than he. Things have simply been amazing... So last night we broke up, or I guess he broke up with me.

 

When he is at school in NYC he doesnt know many people so sometimes I question if he just needs someone, so he falls back on me and is in love, but needs me.

 

When hes back in Puerto Rico, I feel like he doesn't need me since he has his close family and friends around all the time.

 

So while we are at school he calls me all the time, we talk over webcam, we talk online, email, etc. When he goes home he usually doesnt talk to me as often. This time when he went home though, he called me at least once a day. Earlier this week though, I started to notice that he wouldn't talk long, or didnt even really pay attention to what I said. I confronted him about it and he just got mad saying he was watching tv. This is very different than how he usually treats me. So I wrote him a long email explaining that if he didnt start treating me like a girlfriend again and listening and actually talking- not just calling to "call"- then i would leave him and give him no more chances. I gave him a chance after messing up twice before and he really changed, but I don't think I should have to give him any more chances after he had been so wonderful to me and knew how it should be.

 

So last night he sort of broke up with me, but he said we both need to sleep on it. (I couldn't sleep at all of course). I don't want to be a selfish person in this.. I know he's confused as to if I'm the one or not since we are both only 20.. and both each other's first loves. I am aware of all of that, but he did make a mistake in taking me deeper and deeper into the realtionship if he knew he wasn't sure about it. ( A couple weeks earlier I visited him and he opened my eyes to an apartment filled with roses.. and candles, my favorite song, and my favorite drink). Those things just make me fall more and more in love with him. He says we got a learning experience out of it, and thats true, but thats not what I was in the relationship for.

 

Should I not be friends with him to save me pain, and just move on without him in my life [which would also would be very hard since he is my best friend..]? Should I try to work things out? Should I try to forget him? Should I beg him to stay? Should I move on and consider friendship in the future? I don't know.. I'm just so lost and depressed at this moment.. please give me advice..

[BeHappy]

Don't beg him to stay. Give him so time to figure what he wants. You don't want someone to stay with you because he feels sorry for you. If he wants to talk to you, he will contact you.

[Solachica]

You shud know all facts before you jump to conclusions.

Like does he have the money when in Puerto Rico to be calling you daily for long talks, does he have a reliable internet access in PR, is his family around and he's not comfortable talking to you with them listening to him etc.

Sometimes there's more to a situation than you believe you know.

Talk to him and find out why he acts so differently.

[kaytea]

He told me we needed to sleep on it... it's been 2 days and he hasn't contacted me at all. It has been hard for us to go a day without talking in a lonnnnng time. Should I call him or email him? If he doesn't ever call me should I just move on? I feel like I need some closure...

 

Also it was his birthday a week ago and I got something for him that means alot. He used to have an elephant hair bracelet from Africa but it broke a long time ago and he always talked about how he loved that thing. I found one and ordered it but it hasent arrived yet.. should I still send it to him when I get it?

[Pantero]

Just reading your post, I almost "felt" how hurt you are. Yeah. This sucks big time. What's sad is that it seems like there is no communication going on here.

 

You need to address the issues that Solachica brought up, because they are very feasable (sp?). Reading your words, I got this gut feeling that this is salvageable. If it's been working LONG DISTANCE like this and then it's hitting trouble now - some may say, "hey, long-distance...what'd ya expect?". And some will say "long-distance shouldn't mean anything if you two truly mattered to each other".

 

I'll tell you now. NO GUY would ever do what he did if he was "faking" being in love. I'm talking about the apartment filled with roses, your fav. song, whatever. I know I'd do anything for a girl I had strong feelings for just to see her smile and look at me with that light and the love in her eyes. I've seen that. And I've lost that all too often...

 

Talk. Talk it out with him. Hold onto that present and give it to him if things hopefully work out. Because if they work out, and you give him that, it'll be perfect. Hold back on the sentimental stuff for now. But, talk it over and talk it out. I wouldn't do NC just yet.

 

Of course, this is my opinion based off what you wrote. I really do think you guys can make this work. I've known two couples work through stuff just as rough as this, so I'm hopeful.

 

I'm rooting for you. If you guys make it work, it'll give some of us on here hope...lol. Good luck. Please keep us posted. It takes work - hard work, but in the end it's worth it.

[kaytea]

Wow! Thank you guys so much for your support. Honestly, writing my story on here I never thought I'd get a reply, but it feels so wonderful to know that people who don't even know me actually care..

 

I'd like to address some of the replies here:

 

Solachica:

No, there is no problem with him and having money to pay for the phone bill. We get to talk to each other for the normal fee and his parents pay it who are very well off. He also is very comfortable talking in front of his family to me, more so than I am. He and his family are very close and his mom has been begging me to visit. His mom actually told him once, girls don't get much better than me... from what she had heard about me and from me talking with her. Also, his internet connection is fine too he just isn't a big computer person and doesn't get on often, which is perfectly fine. I've just come to the conclusion that he probably is taking me for granted being back home.. having so many friends, family, and always partying down in Puerto Rico. I mean, part of me actually understands how he may feel... so many other girls.. love for me.. but he's young.. just turned twenty. It doesn't make what he did to me right, but I hope he realizes how much I meant to him.. I hope it all just doesn't disappear. But your point of view was very nice, something I'd never have thought about, thanks so much.

 

BeHAppy:

At first I totally agreed with everything you said... it was right on with what I was thinking [even though I did still want to call him.. ] I've been holding out though.. longer than I ever have gone wihtout talking to Victor... I'm trying to stay strong.

 

Pantero:

Hi, really what you said gave me so much hope.. I've really considered just giving up on trying and letting go of all that Victor and I have made together. He truly makes me want to be a better person. He makes me smile, laugh, cry, forgive, mad, everything. I love him. There has never been a time in our realtionship when I didn't want to be with him. Everything about him makes my life so wonderful. Losing all of that, even the thought of it, is almost unbearable. I really hope that what you said is what will happen.. It's so odd that our realtionship just ended as it did.. but I guess sometimes people act on the moment.. rather than thinking things out. I know you said we should talk about it and I really want to.. but should I email him letting him know how I feel? Call him? Or wait for him.. if he does contact me... ? I'm debating all of this because part of me thought he would call by now but he hasnt. Part of me wants to email him and wait until he replies, but I feel that email is sort of an out on having a conversation with someone that might be hard. Also, I don't know if it is right for me being the one to contact him.. maybe he's figuring things out? I don't know.. I just don't want it to be too long because I don't want to lose what we have. I'm really lost here.. any advice? [the present idea is wonderful.. but what if he never contacts me? I was thinking id still send it and maybe he'll realize how much he meant to me.. and how much i love him.. ] But yes being long distance is hard, we struggled for some time.. but there is a way to make it work. At this day and age, people often don't realize that having a long distance relationship isn't impossible. Technology has helped us so much... webcams.. phones.. AIM.. email.. planes.. there are so many options- there isn't a moment I couldn't reach him.

 

Thank you all so much.. I'll continue to update

[Pantero]

Hi, Kaytea.

 

I'm glad my post helped you to feel a bit better, but I just want to make it clear that what I said may very well NOT happen. I think you realize that. I just wanted to let you know that I've seen a couple I know go through something similar and it was a long-distance relationship. However, they were maybe 4-5 years older than you and your ex-b/f.

 

All those questions you've asked - I mean, to be fair, you can try to contact him once. Don't chase after him. If you reach out and he fails to respond, then...just know that chasing the situation may push the person away further and further. What gets me is this breakdown of communication that occurs periodically when he goes to PR.

 

And the nice stuff he's done for you...to me, that sounds serious. It sounds like he put effort into impressing/pleasing you, which also makes me think "hey c'mon...there's got to be something there..."

 

If he contacts you, then it may happen the way I (and the way you) hope it will. Like I said, from your first post it sounds like you guys were great together. And for the record, you do have a legitimate concern about what happens when he returns home to PR. If you are his s/o, he should at least respect you enough to be in contact regularly since he is also well off. Reading your answers to Solachica's questions may have tipped the balance a bit, but do keep us informed.

 

Good luck!

[kaytea]

So I called him. I couldn't help myself.. I still don't know if it was the rigth thing to do but it's too late now. I mean part of me feels like I lost the battle by giving in and claling... but I guess thats being childish to think of it like that.

 

He answered, which I didn't think he would. He said he was surprised when he say my number on his phone. It was a little awkward and I said I called just to see how he was. He said he was good and I said I was good too. When I asked him how he was he joked and said he had a fire pit going and was burning all my stuff that he had. I laughed and jokingly said thats soo mean! He told me he was kidding of course and that he still had all the cute little things I gave him.

 

He was with his good friend so I didn't want to get make things too serious and I asked him if he would call me sometime just to talk about things. He said " ohh i'll consider it" and i was like have you heard of a yes or no answer victor.. and then he said yes i'll call you. So then I said alright and he was like okay ciao and I go mmmhmm and he goes that's what I get for a goodbye? and I go mmhmm bye victor.

 

That was it. Sorry to type out everything in the conversation, but it makes me feel better. I dunno, I couldn't read him very well when I talked to him.. I mean I also told him I don't know why I called I probably shouldn't have, and he said no you can call whenever ill be around blhablha. It seemed like he wanted to hear from me since he picked up his phoen... But he was almost in too joking of a manor. Maybe it's because his good friend was around, I don't know.. I will just be sort of anxious until he calls me back. Hopefully that will happen sometime today..

 

So, I guess things are weird with us but I'm tyring to gather my thoughts so I'm prepared when he calls. I want to tell him that we've both put so much into this realtionship and ask him if he is truly ready to give it all up. I want to just discuss with him his fear of committment and tell him that I understand that.. [we have actually been through that conversation before..] but I feel like I can be more understanding now.

 

Timing really is everything. I feel liek if we were out of college and all of this had happened, we woudl have married. But because we are so young and have to deal with parents, school, etc.. Sometimes it is out of our hands. I'm not sure what is going to happen, or even what to do or tell him.. but I guess talking about it is one step that will lead us in the right direction?

 

Let me know what you think should happen.. or what I might be doing wrong here..

 

I've contacted him once, but I will not again until he calls me. I'm sticking to that.

[Diver012]

I think the more you leave it alone, the better off you will be in teh long run... Its gonna be tough. You wait around and wonder if hell call like he said. He might, he might not. I did the same thing twice with my Ex. I called and asked her to call me back when she could talk, and she didnt. The following week I ran into in the parking lot at work and said I just wanted closure.. so I could move on.. I wanted to know why. She said she would call me later.. she didnt..

 

No Contact is my opinion.. ever again. If he has true feelings for you and you vanish, he will call you...

[Solachica]

Hope he keeps his word and calls you....if he doesn't then you know things aren't working out.

You two need to talk when he isn't around friends and family and when you cud have tht serious conversation.

[kaytea]

Well,

 

he hasn't kept his word. he hasen't called. Maybe I'm coming to this conclusion too early, but it's hard to hold on when he seems to be so far gone. He vanished... it feels almost like he died to me. He doesn't seem to care about my feelings anymore.

 

This is just all so suprising since things were seemingly perfect right before this happened.. we'd never been so happy, i'd never seen him so happy.

 

Usually he would have called by now... usually he would care.. he would hurt too. Not anymore.

 

It's over isn't it. (?)

 

I wish there was a pill you could take to get someone off your mind...

[GB111]

So sorry to hear you're going through this Kaytea. Take my advice. Just stick to No Contact. It's going to be very hard, but take it from someone who completely annihilated any chance of getting back with their ex; if he's going to come back, he will with no interference from you. There's nothing you're going to do or say that will make him feel differently. Sorry that that's the case, but it's true...

 

Hang in there. It will get better, but it might get harder first. Stick to NC and I'd be surprised if you don't hear from him sooner or later.

 

Best,

 

GB

[kaytea]

Thank you... all of you

 

You don't know how much you've helped me survive this beginning...

[Diver012]

Going into my 4th week myself. No desire to contact from me. I dread facing situations when I might run into her. I want no part of that at all. Its ok to feel betrayed. Its ok to get angry. Its ok to cry. It will be ok...

[Solachica]

Am sorry he didn't call yet

But don't be the one to call him again...he said he wud so let him make tht move now.

If he doesn't then you know things aren't favourable.

[kaytea]

so i stuck with NC since the last time i called him and today he instant messaged me..

 

he just made some small talk and asked me how i was, nothing much, then said he had to go. i said wait. i just couldnt let him go that easily. i asked why he hadnt called and that i didnt want to talk to him to get him back but just to talk. and he said ughh.. sorry i havent called. and i said you dont have to apologize, it makes no difference.

 

then he said nothing for a few minutes and i said- i see you are full of words to say to me...? oh man... - and then he signed off. the end.

 

i feel like he doesnt want to face me.. hes avoiding the subject. should i just email him, let him know what im thinking and then leave it be and let him decide what to do with it? pleasee let me know.. :/ im so lost again

[kaytea]

i've realized that life is too short for all of these games... and when someone really means alot to you, you just have to undersatnd that people are always at different stages in their life.. and confused.. or whatever.. and you just have to understand sometimes and it might hurt.. but we can all get through it if we just try to understand.

 

so i emailed him... this is the email.. let me know what you think! [there is some humor in it because we are both very into laughing and alwaays making things fun so i couldnt help it- it might seem weird to some though!]

------------------------------------------

 

Victor (BLOB,weirdo, guapo, ghettoman, puertoricanDUDE, amigoooo, goofball!)

 

INTRO

Hey. Knowing you, the first thing you’d think is “Wow, you wrote a whole essay!”… Maybe you do see it as having to read an essay, I don’t ever know anymore. (In case you do though, I’ve included chapter numbers… Haha omg I’m sorry but I had to get something funny out of this)

 

CHAPTER 1

Honestly, the last thing I wanted to do was email you, call you…- I wanted to avoid all contact with you really. It’s hard though. Not in the fact that I want to talk to you so much, as that I feel like it’s so odd what has happened and I almost feel guilty about things. Maybe guilty is the wrong word, but I feel like things just didn’t end how I hoped they would.

 

Maybe it didn’t bother you that we ended on bad terms… or maybe you’d thought I’d get over it like I usually do. I’ve changed a lot though Victor, if someone doesn’t treat me right then I honestly don’t want to be with them. I don’t settle for less anymore.

 

CHAPTER 2

You know, I think that maybe since you have been home you really just don’t need me anymore. Your friends and family have taken my place. Or maybe it is the distance thing? Although we have been seeing each other so much more lately, and yes I probably would have visited you in PR this summer. I don’t know if you know the reason that you broke up with me.. since you didn’t really give me a real reason, but you know it doesn’t matter if there is a reason or not. If you just didn’t want to be with me, you should’ve told me Victor. I’m not really some evil bitch that is going to hate you for that. We are young, commitment is scary! Believe me I know, even though it may not seem like I do. Maybe you miss the chase involved in getting a girl because we were beyond that level, and that’s fine. I miss it sometimes too.

 

CHAPTER 3

I always think that timing is everything. This happened so early in our lives that it makes it so hard to deal with. I guess that’s life though. I wouldn’t take back a moment I had with you, not even the bad times. I’ve loved it since the very start.

 

The thing that really has me here writing this to you though is the fact that I [and others] thought that we were remarkable together. It wasn’t just some small romance, it was amazing. I’ve never had someone make me feel so many different things. I don’t want to go on and on about this because you know what was there.

 

CHAPTTTTTTTTTTTTER 4

I was so upset the other night because it didn’t seem like you cared at all. After everything you’d done for me, everything I’d done for you- all that we had together, it didn’t seem like you gave a s*** out of nowhere. That’s what got me. It’s fine, honestly, if you want to go and do whatever you want to do in your youth. I’m fine going on without you, there are so many people I’ve never met, so many things I haven’t done, so many nights I haven’t gone out and gotten drunk and just hooked up with someone while I can in my life.

 

FINALE!!!

I guess I beat around the bush a lot and take forever to get to my f***ing point, but all I wanted was for you to take a few minutes and talk to me and explain to me what you wanted. You always said I could talk to you about anything Victor, and you know the same goes for you- ANYTHING. People get over things though, that’s life. I’d always imagined what I’d be like after you broke it off with me, I thought I’d be miserable, but I’m not. It’s a little odd not having that spot filled in when it has been for so long, but I get over it. I don’t want to let this get in the way of us being friends, unless you don’t want that. I just feel like we have had too great of a time together to throw it all away. Do you agree or no? Life is too short to just take something great you find and completely throw it away. You always say to “dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today.” I was thinking about that, and I wouldn’t want to die today knowing that we’d thrown everything we had away. Yeah it’ll be hard to go from what we were to being friends, but I guess I’m willing to do that. You’ve meant a lot to me Victor and I hope you will listen to what I am saying and take time reply to me. You’ve been so much more than a friend to me, especially in the last few months. I hope that you will reply to this, because if you don’t... then I guess I will let everything go and be gone if that is what you wish.

 

WHOOPIE I bet you are excited I’m finished!

 

Have a good night.

 

Katie

Tengo no una pena.

[kaytea]

so it has been a few months.. about 6 since we broke up. i stuck with NA and he started contacting me more and even sent me a nice letter about why he thougth we needed to be apart.

 

i moved to nyc and had a great busy summer and met other peopel and actually tried to get out so that i could get over him. i did. to a certain extent. so then i moved back to pittsburgh and i started dating someone. he was aware of it since he is friends with my friends here and talks to them, as well as him keeping in touch with me. he put INSANE amounts of effort into letting me know he was really upset and regretted everythign he had done. he admitted he needed a break, but had gone about it all wrong.

 

he sent me care packages with all these random things that brought back memories for us. he called me cryin ikn the middl eof the nigth a millino times before i picked up when he foudn out about the new guy.

 

to make a LONG LONG LONG story short... we are back together now. he treats me better than anyone in the world and so amazing... he comes to visit me, he puts in effort. the relationship is so much more balanced now because i think we both know how we really feel. im going to italy next semster to study for 3 months and he is still positive about dealing with that... we only get to see each other maybe 5 or 6 times a year.. and i migth be coming to meet his family in jan.

 

anyway, we are very happy together and i couldnt have asked for more. im even glad that we had the break.. i needed to see what else was out there too.. but everything led us back to each other [sorry to sound corny]..

 

but once again thank all of you so much.. youve helped me deal with it so well

 

the end.

 

[for now!haha]

[maay]

hey kaytea, good to hear that! and happy for you too.. a love that worth waiting for right...

 

so it has been a few months.. about 6 since we broke up. i stuck with NA and he started contacting me more and even sent me a nice letter about why he thougth we needed to be apart.

 

i moved to nyc and had a great busy summer and met other peopel and actually tried to get out so that i could get over him. i did. to a certain extent. so then i moved back to pittsburgh and i started dating someone. he was aware of it since he is friends with my friends here and talks to them, as well as him keeping in touch with me. he put INSANE amounts of effort into letting me know he was really upset and regretted everythign he had done. he admitted he needed a break, but had gone about it all wrong.

 

he sent me care packages with all these random things that brought back memories for us. he called me cryin ikn the middl eof the nigth a millino times before i picked up when he foudn out about the new guy.

 

to make a LONG LONG LONG story short... we are back together now. he treats me better than anyone in the world and so amazing... he comes to visit me, he puts in effort. the relationship is so much more balanced now because i think we both know how we really feel. im going to italy next semster to study for 3 months and he is still positive about dealing with that... we only get to see each other maybe 5 or 6 times a year.. and i migth be coming to meet his family in jan.

 

anyway, we are very happy together and i couldnt have asked for more. im even glad that we had the break.. i needed to see what else was out there too.. but everything led us back to each other [sorry to sound corny]..

 

but once again thank all of you so much.. youve helped me deal with it so well

 

the end.

 

[for now!haha]