what do I do with him?

[temptris33]

You just hit the nail on the head! You are absolutely right. It sounds just like what he's been trying to tell me in a round about way. He has told me that he feels like an ass for not having certain things. He has mentioned that if he had a house things would be totally different. Some friends of his do ask him when we are getting married. I guess they all do when you've been together for a while. We haven't really ever discussed it together. So maybe he was freakn out thinking about things. He called me last night. His feelings have not changed, really. That's what he told me. At this point I'm done analyzing things. I think what you just explained is it. That makes me understand things a little clearer. He also said the age thing is not it. He said if anything "it makes me even sexier". When he called last night I didn't initiate any conversation about "things". We talked about some things and I kept it pretty light on my end. I mentioned that I was going to visit my bro today and he got a little jealous because my bro is a cop and he's thinkin of all the other cops that will be around. We talked about a lot of things. We are not back together by any means. He said he's having a hard time detaching from me and can't do it. He misses me too much. He did say that he loves me soooo much. He did say that he started thinking of things (future) and freaked out a little and that could have something to do with how things were going. So, with what you stated I think you hit it right on. Thank you. Thank you. You guys have been such a great help. I'm sorry this has evolved into such a novel...ha ha He wants me to come up to the shop Saturday and work with him and watch the mechanic fix my blazer. i don't know if I should. Before we hung up he asked if he could call me tomorrow (today). I said ok. With everything that you just said...it kind of settled me. I actually feel a kind of relief after reading your post...I feel I understand things now. Thank you again.

[Walk]

Glad to help. Keep posting if you need to. Don't feel there's a time limit on when you should magically be all better. So if you need to keep posting, then do so.

 

Hope you have fun hanging out with your brother!

[temptris33]

It's been such a good day. Thank god for the gym! I've never worked out so hard in my life. I enjoyed "hangin out with myself" today. I drove about an hour and saw my bro which was nice and shopped a little. Lost in thought on the drive back...was nice. You have no idea how much your previous post had helped. It was like a freakn light bulb went off. Last night he asked if he could call me tonight. I said ok...but I'm going out with my girlfriend! Im going to limit the booze to so I don't end up drunk dialing or worse yet...drunk driving at 80 miles an hour up to his house! He he

[Mary3]

You just hit the nail on the head! You are absolutely right. It sounds just like what he's been trying to tell me in a round about way. He has told me that he feels like an ass for not having certain things. He has mentioned that if he had a house things would be totally different. Some friends of his do ask him when we are getting married. I guess they all do when you've been together for a while. We haven't really ever discussed it together. So maybe he was freakn out thinking about things. He called me last night. His feelings have not changed, really. That's what he told me. At this point I'm done analyzing things. I think what you just explained is it. That makes me understand things a little clearer. He also said the age thing is not it. He said if anything "it makes me even sexier". When he called last night I didn't initiate any conversation about "things". We talked about some things and I kept it pretty light on my end. I mentioned that I was going to visit my bro today and he got a little jealous because my bro is a cop and he's thinkin of all the other cops that will be around. We talked about a lot of things. We are not back together by any means. He said he's having a hard time detaching from me and can't do it. He misses me too much. He did say that he loves me soooo much. He did say that he started thinking of things (future) and freaked out a little and that could have something to do with how things were going. So, with what you stated I think you hit it right on. Thank you. Thank you. You guys have been such a great help. I'm sorry this has evolved into such a novel...ha ha He wants me to come up to the shop Saturday and work with him and watch the mechanic fix my blazer. i don't know if I should. Before we hung up he asked if he could call me tomorrow (today). I said ok. With everything that you just said...it kind of settled me. I actually feel a kind of relief after reading your post...I feel I understand things now. Thank you again.

 

You do realize that if you continue to * hang out * with him then both of you are in emotional limbo and its really hard to move forward and go on dates with others ( for instance ).

 

Have you thought of a real break from him ?

 

Can you take some MORE time for yourself so you can get clear ?

 

Maybe later hang out with him after you have healed.?

 

Its a mental mind fu**ing when they keep confusing you and calling you and bullsh**.

 

I was in a similar situation one time and I can identify with how confusing and frustrating this is for you.

 

Go out with the Girls ! hehe.

 

Have fun

[temptris33]

You're right. I'm still going about my business and if he calls then I will of course talk to him, but as far as hanging out with him. I don't think its a good idea. If he wants to continue to call me and such then okay...but he'll see that I'm movvvvvvvinnnnnn on and havin fun without him. Thanks guys!

[temptris33]

He's really doing a number on me. Last night while I was getting ready he called. Talked like always about the day and what have you....about 20 minutes. He said how tired he was and what I was doing. Told him I'm going out tonight with my girlfriend and her husband (we used to do this with all 4 of us). I told him that I needed to go so I could finish getting ready. He said to please keep my cell on me in case he called and wanted to meet up. I knew he'd fall asleep and wouldn't be there anyway so I didn't really say anything. By the way, I left my cell in the car. Heading home that night I noticed that he hadn't called. No big deal to me. I knew he had a job at 7 this morning. HE CALLED ME AT 6:00 this morning....left a msg cuz I didn't answer. Said bla bla bla about a fan in his room and how he got a little horse and bla bla bla and then "I hope your ok I was just checking to see how you feel this morning its obvious that you didn't call me last night" . said goodbye. He had called from the shop. 20 minutes later my phone is ringing again...didn't answer...from his cell on the way to his job. What is up with this? IF you don't want me then someone else does. Yeesh.

[temptris33]

I AM MY OWN WORST ENEMY RIGHT NOW. Today the mechanic is out fixing the blazer. Mike wanted me to stop by his job site on my way up to the shop to see the blazer. I did. When I walked up, he ran up to me and gave me a kiss and said "see, you can kiss me". We talked about what he was doing there and also what was going on with the blazer. He asked me where I went last night and what kind of people and if they were young..showing jealousy. I told him I'm gonna leave and get up to see the blazer and let him get back to doing what he was doing. He said "did you get laid"?

 

He knew that hit me hard. He grabbed my arms and said "sorry bun please dont be mad at me"..I just said "IT IS OR IT ISN"T MIKE" "I CAN DO THAT OR I CANT".....I walked off and left. Why would he ask me that? Out of jealousy? Why is he doing this to me?

[Walk]

You know he doesn't want you with any one else, and you're detaching from him and he knows this. He doesn't want to put the effort and work into a relationship with you, but he doesn't want you to go too far away. It's how he's wanted the relationship.. you waiting for him while he has freedom to do as he pleases.

 

I would really suggest you do no contact with him for a few months. Let both of you get back to more level ground emotionally. You've already told him what you want, and if he isn't willing to give you that, then he needs to respect you enough to stop emotionally blackmailing you.

 

That "keep your phone on you in case I want to meet up with you" is bullcrap. He broke up with you, yet you should be avaliable for him to see you when, or if, he wants? Then to accuse you of dropping your panties at the first opportunity? hmm... He couldn't even be happy for you that you wanted to go out and have fun for ONE evening after all the emotional drama he's been heaping on you the last few weeks. Self-centered.

 

And other than putting yourself in a situtation where you have to still see him, (the blazer) I think you handled the encounter pretty well. You were firm, stood your ground on what you wanted, and didn't allow him to play any childish games with you. I hope your blazer gets done soon though, so he can't use it to trick you into a situation he can use to his advantage. Oh, and good job on leaving the phone in the car. Smart.

[temptris33]

Unfortunately I had to go back up there and take before pics of the blazer. He was there. I didn't go hunt him down..I parked, walked over to the room the car is in and started taking my pics. He was calling for me and then came over...he said "I don't want to make you all emotional or anything but what I meant was "you didn't fool around did you". I just said "its all good Mike". He said this and that and I don't remember what because I was looking at his beautiful blue eyes. I had to tear myself away and say something to the effect of having to go drop off the film...I walked away and he follows me. i just got into my car and he turned around and walked back. I saw him hit the corner of his truck with his fist (just a little hit like frustrated). I left. I know No contact is the thing...How do I do it when he keeps calling me and he keeps saying these things like he loves me...like he told me last night. I know what the right thing is to do. Its to completely seperate myself from him and if he wants to come back then he'll come back. The freakn sauga (?spell) continues.

[Walk]

Personally, I'd just tell him that you want X amount of time of not talking to him or seeing him. A month, two months... however long you want to set it. Ask him to respect your wishes and let him know that you aren't going to answer his calls or return them during that time.

 

Then stick with that.

 

I feel it's curteousy to inform the other person that you're going no contact. But don't expect them to go along with it. You have to find ways to stop yourself from answering the phone. Either block their calls, or new number. Anything that will help you.

 

You obviously are still very attracted to him, and care for him alot. I believe, from what you've posted, that if you gave him even a tiny inclination that you would wait on him, that you'll end up losing him for good. You absolutely have to stand your ground on this. Don't let your will power sag even a tiny bit concerning him. If you slip up and he thinks that you'd be okay with his never commiting to you, then nothing you say or do ever again will be taken seriously. That's why I suggested the no contact. To remove the temptation from you for a while. Get your feelings and thoughts on the same path.

 

I think if you show him you're serious about this, then you may have an iota of a chance of getting a relationship that is more in line with what you really want. It's slim, and not very probable, but if you slip, or give in at all, you won't ever have the type of relationship you want. One where your bf is devoted to the two of you, your life Together, and not just his own goals and happiness. And if he moves on, or decides he still doesn't want a full relationship, then you won't have wasted more heartache the last few months in having to see or talk to him.

Or have him attempt to manipulate you with jabs about sleepign with other men.

 

If you feel you have enough will power to not slip, then you probably don't need the no contact. But it's incredibly hard to always have that kind of will power around someone you wish to be with. If you do the no contact, set a timeline, have a goal. Its easier to follow through and actually have it work if you have an end result to work toward.

[Fun2BMe]

It's ok for him to go out, get drunk, call you to bring him home, flake on you. For once you tell him you needed a night to yourself when he wanted to visit and he flips like a control freak. AFTER you break up, you have to be available for him to reach you on the phone when you go out in case he decides (maybe out of boredom or jealousy) later on in the night that he wants to meet up, inviting himself into your plans - again a control freak.

 

You have to be available to meet and satisfy his needs. Little contact and when in contact, on his terms and schedule. You do not have to tell him when you go out or with who, let alone if you got "laid." That was so disgusting and out of line for him to ask you that. I would have slapped him across the face.

 

He doesn't love you ENOUGH to want to be with you yet knowing how emotional and in love you are with him, throws to you that he loves you to get you all mixed up. If he loved you he would be with you. If he loved you, he wouldn't let you be in a situation where you are allowed to "get laid" with other men.

 

I agree with Walk that you have to stop contact all together for YOUR SAKE. If you want to cater to his needs, then continue contact to satisfy his controlling nature to know what you are doing, to keep tab of you on a string like a toy so that when HE decides he wants his toy back he can play with you. You have made it all too clear that you are sitting in the corner waiting for him to come to you on his terms if and when he decides to, putting up with this unacceptable behavior from him.

 

Be strong and say enough already. You do your thing without telling him with who and what it is that you do in your daily life. He has chosen to no longer be a part of it in a bf/gf way yet he wants to throw crumbs your way like "i love you" "who were you with" blah blah blah as you say to keep you in his toy chest for future use should he want to. Girl run the other way, like Walk said, for at least a couple of months.

[temptris33]

You know..its frustrating because when I mentioned that I left the shop earlier after taking pics and he was frustrated....well, I haven't heard hide nor hair from him. I would have like to have mentioned to him about the no contact thing but nothing.....its so hard right now because i didn't make plans to do anything tonight and here I sit getting upset. I'm not going to call him or anything stupid like that, but just the fact that he's probably mad at me for this now..(leaving the shop after pics without a hug or anything) and he has been calling me every night to just call.(the past few nights)probably because he sits at home on work nights because he has to get up early the next day. Well, he hasnt called me tonight...it's Sat night...he's probably out drinking/having a late dinner..what a freakn bastard!

[Fun2BMe]

He's either out and now that he has plans is not bothering to contact you to find out what yours are and to "meet up." Or he has no plans and is not calling so you think he does and feel miserable like you are. Remember he has been toying with you. Don't let him get to you. For all you know he is sitting at home doing nothing. Keep busy and your mind off of him tonight. He knows you'd like a call from him and is not doing it to try to reel you in so he always has you obsessing over him. Don't give into it. I hope you don't answer in case he does end up calling. You can always talk to him during the day, not Saturday night, to discuss the whole no contact business. Let him think you're the one out having a good time now that he has chosen to be without you. Just like how he asked you if you got laid when you went out, after he's the one choosing not to be with you and knowing you are in love with him - how insensitive can he get? You can ask him the same thing if he tells you he went out and see how it makes him feel.

[Guest]

Ok. I'm not going to answer my phone tonight..if he calls. If he's drinking he might call but other than that I don't expect it. Just in case tho, I wont pick it up. He's leaving for Wyoming early Wed morning until Sunday to help family friends out with some work. I'm curious if he'll try and get a hold of me before then..who knows. I'm going to bed. If there's any drama tomorrow you know I'll be writing! Thanks guys. I just can't believe how hard this has been. I'm usually so easy to turn off emotions with someone...this guy has really done me in...

[Mary3]

You need to reverse the situation to get a better perspective :

 

Lets assume you were hanging out with a guy but did not want a full blown committment.

You gave lots of excuses and told him that you were not looking for a serious relationship.

He said he was going to branch out and hang out with his friends more...

 

He went out Saturday nite ( hypothetically ) and you pestered him with questions like " Hey, did you get laid when you went out Saturday night " ?

 

Why would you ask that of him ? Well , if you didn't view him as a toy and didn't mess with his head , then the answer is : You would not really care if he slept with someone. He was just a buddy.

 

So this guy is trying to be very cruel knowing how you feel. He KNOWS totally how you feel but he does NOT want the same things that you do.

 

I strongly recommend the following : Next time he says " Did you get laid ? :" Just chuckle a bit and tell him the loose lips sink ships ! That should piss him off a little and then he will KNOW what he has lost.

 

Whenever you " keep you cell phone on for him " That is total crap ! He has NO right to know ANYTHING personal about you since he does not want to invest into a personal relationship.

 

If he comes whining back PLEASE don't take him back. Even if he " wakes up " he has really hurt you. There is no promise that he would not fickle out again.

 

NC all the way here .

 

Have you had enough yet ?

[temptris33]

Ya. I've had enough. He's put me through the ringer without an honest answer either way about anything. You still have that stupid sappy thought "will I ever be with anyone again like that" and all that..so that makes me a little, no- alot, sad. I honestly don't think I will ever be able to let my feelings go again like I did. He knew it took a lot for me to show my feelings. He told me he loved me first before I told him.

 

It would be hard to say that I wouldn't take him back. I don't think he'll come back. Although he tells me he loves me and missed me after one day...I don't think he loves me in "that way". I would definately make him work for me if he ever came crawling back...alot of things would have to be fixed before that happened.

[Fun2BMe]

At this point he has clearly demonstrated that he does not love you unconditionally and in the same way you do. If he comes back you better make him work for it. Don't let this keep you from opening up in future relationships. Don't give him that much power to ruin all of your future love life.

 

I too recently was dating someone who supposedly loved me but it didn't take much for him to tell me off. I had worn my heart on my sleeve and it was extremely hurtful but I won't give him that much power to damage me permanently. I will open up completely and try again. It is worth taking the risk because the next person could be the right one.

 

In your situation you have a lot of feelings still for him so it will take time to get over him. Once you do you will look back and wish it had happened sooner so you could move on. Right now it is hard to think with your head because your heart is still involved.

 

Realize that his heart is no longer involved. He wouldn't let your relationship be in a status where you are allowed to be with other men even though he does a good job acting like it kills him. What man would allow that for the women he loves? None.

[Mary3]

At this point he has clearly demonstrated that he does not love you unconditionally and in the same way you do. If he comes back you better make him work for it. Don't let this keep you from opening up in future relationships. Don't give him that much power to ruin all of your future love life.

 

I too recently was dating someone who supposedly loved me but it didn't take much for him to tell me off. I had worn my heart on my sleeve and it was extremely hurtful but I won't give him that much power to damage me permanently. I will open up completely and try again. It is worth taking the risk because the next person could be the right one.

 

In your situation you have a lot of feelings still for him so it will take time to get over him. Once you do you will look back and wish it had happened sooner so you could move on. Right now it is hard to think with your head because your heart is still involved.

 

Realize that his heart is no longer involved. He wouldn't let your relationship be in a status where you are allowed to be with other men even though he does a good job acting like it kills him. What man would allow that for the women he loves? None.

Very eloquently spoken

[Guest]

FUN2BEME: How do I get him "to work for it". What should I do if he comes back? What should he have to do to show me that its me that he wants?

 

He called me first thing Sun morning and again last night. We don't talk about "us". His trip is this week and he said "remember, I'm going to Wyoming" and "I don't mean to abandon you and go but I need to go and get some time away"...why would he think of it as abandoning me?

[temptris33]

I have a date Saturday...maybe. Still undecided if I should do it or wait until he comes back from his trip to date someone else....also read above post and let me know the things that I should do to make him "work to get me back"...if he wants to.

 

[Pantero]

I haven't read the replies, but two words:

 

F-ck him.

 

He needs to stop getting so p-ssy hurt everytime his woman needs alone time. What an insecure little b-tch.

 

DUMP HIM IMMEDIATELY. lol

[temptris33]

Hmmm..Thanks for that . ;-) In addition to my other questions about "what should he do to work for it" to get me back I have another.....just popped into my head and would like to figure it out....terrible that way. When asked about if his feelings had changed for me (a few talks/days ago) he said "my feelings haven't changed for you really". What does that mean?

[Fun2BMe]

FUN2BEME: How do I get him "to work for it". What should I do if he comes back?

Before that happens, there is a lot of unfinished business. At the very least he owes you an explanation as to why he has been treating you the way he has and why he no longer has wanted to be in a relationship wtih you. You have been making up reasons for him to fill in the blanks. Sometimes he throws in some tidbids of info here and there that you hold onto and then elaborate more convincing explanations upon it. He has to at the very least respect you enough to fill you in on what the heck is going on in his head. Or else nothing is solved. You are back together, but a few months down the road the sane thing can repeat itself, as it has in the past.

 

So first you set some ground rules. He has to communicate to you the reasons behind his unacceptable, wimpy actions. If he is going to act out because you need some alone time, that is a control issue he has that has to be discussed. If he is going to ignore you to punish you, his "working for it" includes owing you an explanation instead of hurting you and you playing guessing games. You have to be quite a bit tougher on him. You have been letting him walk all over you and he has been losing respect for you, puishing the envelope more and more because instead of you putting your foot down, your response is always "baby I love you, please come back to me". He gets away with EVERYTHING. He is not "working" for anything.

 

The relationship is there regardless of what he does and it has reached the point where he takes it for granted, comes and goes as he please, does or does not provide explanations for his behavior depending on what he feels like, not taking into consideration of how it makes you feel. He doesn't want you to be with other guys not because he loves you but because he is jealous and controlling.

 

If he loved you, as I said before, he would not make the status of the relationship so that you are no longer together to the extent that you are allowed to be with other men and it is not considered cheating. He hasn't completely disolved it in case he happens to change his mind, just like not throwing out yesterdays newspaper in case you get time today to read some of it. If you are busy and the next day's headlines are more interesting you will just chuck it in the trash.

 

There are no rules as far as do this,don't do that. It is all about looking after yourself. So far you are catering everything in favor of him to the point where your needs are not even in sight. Everything is about not upsetting him and putting up with him like he is 2 years old.

 

Please go out with the date on Saturday. This does not mean your door is closed to your current guy, but instead you are finally catering to your own needs and he will respect you more too. You can't sit around in limboland with your fingers crossed. That is a recipe for doomsday. Move on with your life. Who knows you might even realize you deserve better. Maybe others can give you more clear cut tips on what to do.

 

His trip is this week and he said "remember, I'm going to Wyoming" and "I don't mean to abandon you and go but I need to go and get some time away"...why would he think of it as abandoning me?

He thinks you might think he is abondoning you and said that. This just proves how much he knows you still love him to the point he thinks you're even feeling abandoned by his departure. I'm telling you, there's no excuse for him to be hurting you, knowing how deeply you feel for him. He is a jerk but I know you love him. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you are taking way more than you should.

[Fun2BMe]

When asked about if his feelings had changed for me (a few talks/days ago) he said "my feelings haven't changed for you really". What does that mean?

You can choose to interpret it differently to make yourself feel better, but if they had not changed, then either a) they were never really there to begin with or b) he is full of s***. Which guy breaks up for no reason, lets his girl be free to date other men, but pesters her that he still has feelings? Why are you putting up with himi not giving you an explanation and a clear cut answer on anything? He needs time, space, for what?

 

Instead of saving up for a house for you to live together, he works for I have no idea what reason saving up as he does, tells you that you keep him from working, doesn't make long term plans that in x number of months or years you could live together or get married. Instead, he is doing his own thing, keeps you in the dark, knows you are always accepting of this unaccceptable behavior, contacts you when he feels like it, you are not putting your foot down.

 

I know it is hard but heck he is walking all over you and your heart. It's not like he;s trying to pick what flavor ice cream to eat. He is having to think this hard if he loves you? If he did love you, he could overcome any obsticle. I don't know what is going through his head just like you don't.. Why don't you make him tell you or else not contact you until he decides he will tell you what is up. Or else it is nice of you to make up excuses for him. Maybe I am missing somehting.

[temptris33]

Okay. I'm going Saturday. This guy has been asking and asking for a longgg time. He's known I've had a boyfriend too. Givin in. Gonna go.

 

He just called me..(ex) it's 10:30 at night. He just wanted to say good night. That was something we did every night. I blabbed for a minute or two and asked about his day and he sounded really tired. His sister just left his place. I'm going to tell him tomorrow about the no contact thing. I'm looking like a total whimp suck as* right now and I'm just starting to realize it. The no contact will be hard because he's fixing my car for me, but I wont call him. He is walking all over me and I'm just now realizing how stupid I've been.