what do I do with him?

[temptris33]

I'm not going to contact him except how in the hell do I get my house key back. Also, my blazer (not drivable on the road) is up at his shop. He said he was going to help me get it running..that was a long time ago. I need to contact him at some point to remove that and get my key. What should I do or how long should I wait on that?

[Fun2BMe]

I would do that immediately. Ask for your belongings and move on. Otherwise you are going to obsess over when it is the right time to ask for your key and car back with a fantasy that he will realize at that time that he wants you back. Be matter of fact and direct, ask him for your key and car and move on.

 

I recently was in your same position. After things ended with a man I was dating, I was contemplating asking for my things back. I was told not to yet, to instead not make contact with him but I couldn't get it out of my mind. I sent him a 6 word email asking for him to mail my dvd back and he is going to. Now I don't have to think about ever contacting him again for anything. The sooner you do this the better. If he loved you he would have had your car fixed by now. I know I would have if I was in his shoes. He sounds very immature and insensitive to say the least.

[Guest]

Thank you. I will. I just didn't want to look like I was trying to think of things to contact him. He told me a mechanic was coming out today and that his dad arranged all of it. I'm curious to see how or if it's happening. The only sucky thing is that I have to have him help me get it down to my parents because I don't have a trailor to haul it. UGHHH

[temptris33]

Thank you for being so patient with me. You guys have helped me see the light so to speak. It's freakn hard as hell not to think of him, and for myself thinking of being with anyone else.....not yet. I left him a msg on his cell, very direct and to the point, that I wasn't going to call except for the fact that we need to deal with the blazer and I'd like to get my key. i told him the key thing was not a big deal as the car is and he could just toss key in the garbage. I said thanks and to call me with the details. I can't thank you guys enough for all your help. I'm sure I'll be back in a day or two...I just don't think it's that easy to move on. Thank you....

[Fun2BMe]

I just don't think it's that easy to move on. Thank you....

It's very difficult to move on. You are not alone. But the sooner you start to do it, the sooner you will feel better and get over him. If you keep hanging on to him like he has you on a string, waiting for him to come around, you will torture yourself. He is obviously not being emotional and caring about your feelings, so you do it for yourself.

[Guest]

He called me back about my stuff. He told me he wants to do the blazer for me. He said its not in the way and he went into detail what he wants to do with it. Bla bla bla about that. He said he'd get the key to me as soon as he can. He said that he went to his parents last night and his mom was talking to him and he broke down crying. I just told him that I only need one answer YEs or NO so I could move on. I asked him if he was still in love with me or not. He said he couldn't answer that. I explained to him that it was okay to feel however he was feeling and he just needed to be honest and let me know so I can start getting over him and moving on with my life. He said he wishes he could answer that but he just cant. He said he cant stand the thought of hurting me with anything and I told him it wouldn't hurt me any more or any less to hear anything else. He said that we have to be honest with eachother and we have to stay in contact. I told him that will be on his part if he wants to talk to me. He asked if I would please come to the bike races tomorrow and he would pick me up. I told him no. that wouldn't be a good idea.

 

The girl thing. Not happening. He's not dating her. Or into her. I believe that in him. he said he heard she was going camping with the boys this weekend. So, I really don't think that's it at all. But, if he really did love me like I love him then he would know. Maybe he is just at a crossroads. Trying to figure himself out. I"M MOVIN NNNNNNNNN on.....just hearing him on the phone kind of set me back again, but it's all good. I'm just going to continue working and am going out this weekend with a girlfriend of mine. The balls in his court but I don't want to hang around and wait. You guys are right about getting out there and doing things to get over that one! If he did honestly love me he would know......

[temptris33]

ok. I talked to him. he called me back regarding the blazer. He said its not in the way and he wants to start fixing it up for me. He said he'd get my key back as soon as he can. It totally set me back hearing him. Only a little bit though. He started talking about his Dr appointment and this and that and how he started crying when he went over to his moms last night. It was then that I told him that I only wanted a yes or no and it wouldn't hurt me any more or less I just wanted to know so i wasn't left in limbo and I could move on. I asked him if he was still in love with me or not. he said "Bun, I can't answer that". I said well, I just wanted to know because I can't go on false hope. I said it's ok however you are feeling as long as you can be honest with me about it so it's easier for me to get on with things. I said do you love me like a friend because we've been together so long or do you love me like you want to work things out and try kind of love me....he said he just cant answer that. He said you and I need to talk and be honest with each other and keep in contact. I said well that part is completely up to you because I've already put myself out there for you and you know how I feel about you. He asked if I wanted to go to the time trials with him tomorrow night. He would pick me up. I said no that wouldn't be a good idea. I told him that I just needed to start getting over him. we hung up. I seriously think he is confused as hell. He did comment that He was just at a stop and didn't know if he wanted to deal with things anymore..(cuz we argue) I told him that he and I always argued because he never spoke about how he was feeling on anything...ever..that was the problem and then I, knowing there was a problem and he wasn't telling me, would bitch a little. Understandable. I just wanted to let you all know what happened because you have been reading this for a longgggg while. So, I guess I just kind of play the waiting game. I know the girl thing isn't even it. I totally believe him on that. I asked him one last time. He would have told me. He said that he heard that she is going camping with a bunch of guys this weekend. He's known her since she was little. He calls her a Zygoat. So, maybe he is being honest and he really is at a crossroads. By the time he figures it out, I'm sure I'll be hooked up with a great person though.

[temptris33]

THIS IS MY LAST POST! I SWEAR! I just have to tell you and would love one last reply after this one. HE CALLED ME TONIGHT. 9:30. We just hung up. He was telling me in detail about what he was going to do with the blazer over the next week. He said that he read the e mail that I had sent to him a few days ago and he cried. he said that I was much better describing things in writing than I am in person. He said he's broken down and cried like 8 times today (welcome to my hell - today was tearless tho) we talked for about a half hour about my work and such. He also wanted to know if I was ok with him going to Wyoming next week. (thought that was weird since we are broken up) He's doing some business there with people that he knows. he's helping them with their concrete for their cabin. I said No. Why would I be upset if you went and that you should go. He said this trip will give him clarity...time to think... Anyways...he said he's gonna go and get some sleep...I said ok...he said "I love you I know it's weird but I love you". It's not making me cry anymore so that's good. It is what it is, but it has to be something....this is really runnin me through the ringer...Its only been a couple days since the break up and we've only gone one day with NC. I don't know what the hell to do. You guys have to be pretty sick of this thread by now! I'm sorry. I just like to keep you informed. I wont be putting anymore on here for a while but would love some feedback from anyone on these last couple posts...take care. Thanks

[Mary3]

I'm not sick and tired of your thread. Its just sad . I would move on with your life now. NC is VERY valuable to YOU. It benefits you. No-one else. Please begin NC ASAP

[Fun2BMe]

I'm not sick of your thread either and have been wanting to know what's been going on so post as often as you need to.

 

I think he's trying to have a separation but keep you on a leash in a state of limbo to prevent you from dating anyone else. His big fear is for you to be with someone else. At the same time, when you asked if he loved you he said he doesn't know. To me that means NO. What if he takes several months to "decide." In the meantime if he meets someone else he will finally say hey I am no longer going to see you and you will feel like crap. He is being very selfish, insensitive to the harm he is causing you and unloving.

 

Be strong and avoid talking to him. He doesn't need your permission to leave town. If he needs all that distance and time to decide if he loves you then let him do it on his own. Maybe he will realize he loves and wants to be with you. That might be great. In the meantime, like I said before, he is hurting you each time you talk. You have to take care of your own feelings and that means to avoid conversations wtih him until he knows exactly what he wants. The fact that he is allowing for you two to be broken up is crazy. Be open to meeting someone else. Otherwise you will sit waiting forever for him to come to you only with the possibility that he may not. You are not a toy. Don't let him play with you. Stay strong. You are doing a good job.

[Sapiens]

Temptris,

 

You are 10 years older than him. I hate to break this to you, but your breakup was to be expected.

 

He will be looking for someone younger to settle down and start a family.

 

I have seen this happen again and again with my friends.

[temptris33]

I am going to move on. It's easier so far this morning. I slept really well. I think I kind of figured it out. I've felt this with him also. Sometimes I feel like (after an argument or whatever) "what am I doing with this person"...and "do i really love this person enough to put up with all this". and "is our love stron enough to make it through a lot of stress". I've questioned myself on these too. Although I love him more than anything I (at times) wasn't sure either. The only difference was that I didn't leave him.

[temptris33]

oops. also the age thing has never been a problem for him. He doesn't want kids (we've talked about that) and he knows that if he wanted one and we were married that I woud have one with him. He knows that. I see your point though and that would definaltely be something that he has to consider before he even thinks about being with me again or with someone else. His last girlfriend before me was 12 yrs older than him.

[Mary3]

I'm not sick of your thread either and have been wanting to know what's been going on so post as often as you need to.

 

I think he's trying to have a separation but keep you on a leash in a state of limbo to prevent you from dating anyone else. His big fear is for you to be with someone else. At the same time, when you asked if he loved you he said he doesn't know. To me that means NO. What if he takes several months to "decide." In the meantime if he meets someone else he will finally say hey I am no longer going to see you and you will feel like crap. He is being very selfish, insensitive to the harm he is causing you and unloving.

 

Be strong and avoid talking to him. He doesn't need your permission to leave town. If he needs all that distance and time to decide if he loves you then let him do it on his own. Maybe he will realize he loves and wants to be with you. That might be great. In the meantime, like I said before, he is hurting you each time you talk. You have to take care of your own feelings and that means to avoid conversations wtih him until he knows exactly what he wants. The fact that he is allowing for you two to be broken up is crazy. Be open to meeting someone else. Otherwise you will sit waiting forever for him to come to you only with the possibility that he may not. You are not a toy. Don't let him play with you. Stay strong. You are doing a good job.

 

Beautifully spoken Great Post !

[Walk]

I didn't see where you said the two of you broke up officially, or verbally. I must've missed that post.

 

I'm not sure I'm going to make sense, but here goes. Saving up money is honorable, but can be highly selfish. If it's to provide a better life for the two of you, then he can't blame you for keeping him from making more if he choose to spend time with you. Telling you that you're preventing him from making more money is basically saying that you don't factor into that goal. It's for his own personal goals.

 

Ditching you for friends, not calling to let you know this, is disrespectful. Its not taking your feelings or thoughts into consideration. I could see if this had only happened 4 times in 3 years. But for you to bring it up, I would think it happens more often then a handful of times in 3 years.

 

Leaving you in the dark and making you chase him for answers to what's going on in your relationship is highly immature. Even if he's not entirely sure how he is feeling or thinking, he should have been available to discuss this with you. Instead, he's run from it.

 

He invites you to spend time with him if it doesn't conflict with things he wants to do. Ie. asking you to help him becase of his finger, if he doesn't go to the bike thing. Inviting you along to the bike thing. I haven't seen any mention of how he'd like to do something you enjoy? Or wanting to be a part of your interests. Its like he's saying if you want to tag along, or even be of help to him, then he's ok with it. But there's no effort on his part to be a part of your life, your interests or joys.

 

Everything seems focused on him. If you don't make time for him he gets angry. He makes you wait on him if he decides to drink beer with his buddies. His work comes before you. His biking comes before you. His feelings come before yours. I'm really not seeing anything equal in this relationship. Maybe it's becaus I'm only getting your side of the story, so therefore don't see the positives he has to offer. But frankly, it sounds as if he's been riding along comfortably in this relationship and as long as you put forth all the effort, then he's happy to stay. But if you give any sign that your needs might supersede his in anyway, then suddenly he doesn't want the relationship any more. (Needing time alone is asking your partner for something, however, it should be respected... not punished for needing it.)

 

I know you love him and want to make this work, but are you getting as much from this relationship as you give? Its normal for people to re-evaluate a relationship when arguing. Weigh the pro's and con's of staying together when faced with a difficult situtation. And people usually become highly self-ish when caught in that stage. But there has to be a basis during the good times that makes the bad times worth the effort. And I'm not sure you have that in your relationship.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, if he isn't working just as hard as you are for the relationship overall (the past three years), then you don't need him in your life. If you can say that he's gone out of his way in actions to show he wants this relationship to work, then by all means fight for it. Do whatever it takes. But unless your only telling half the story, it doesn't sound as if he's consistently shown he's trying just as hard for this relationship as you are. Even when things are going ok, he can't even give you a night to yourself without throwing a fit and punishing you for it.

 

And I don't mean not buying you flowers... but the important things. Like going with you to do something that maybe only you want to do and having him want to go because you want to. Or taking the time to help you with problems even if it takes time away from things he wants. Not gifts, or words, but the real actions that show someone values you and wants to make you happy.

 

How much does he give for this relationship? And is it enough for you to believe this relationship is worth fighting for? No matter how many times he says he loves you, if those actions aren't there, then it's not the level of love that is needed for a relationship to survive, and you'd be wasting your time and energy fighting for it.

[temptris33]

Wow. That's a good reply. Thank you. That is the story. He called last night and said "I want to come down". "I just want to be around you Bun". "I want to come down and be with you". WELL....like a dumb ass in love I said "ok". He came down and gave me a hug when he came in. It was like the motions of him being my boyfriend yet I didn't know what to do. SEX WAS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN IN CASE YOU ARE WONDERING. I already told myself that wasn't going to go. He didn't try. We went to my room layed in bed watched a little tv and I caught him looking at me once briefly when I was trying to sleep. I said "goodnight" and he leaned over and kissed me good night...nice little peck like we used to do. This morning when before he left he said (while I was still laying in bed) "I thought we'd have more snuggling last night but that's ok dont want MIXED snuggling". Like it was me who was holding back. I wanted to really bad but I didn't know how I was supposed to act. It was like having the motions of my boyfriend there but knowing he wasn't really 100 percent with me. When I walked him to the door he kissed me good bye. I shut the door and started crying a little. I went back a step. I can't be strung like this and get mixed msgs....OH yeah..when he called to come down he also said "I know I'm sending you mixed messages but I want to be come down". That was another. So, he knows that he's sending mixed signals. I don't understand. If he didn't love me would he want to come down and be with me like that? I don't know how to handle this one. Then he said that a mechanic is coming out Sat to work on the blazer (something for me) and he wnts me to come to shop and he said we could hang out and I could ride with him as he got parts for it.

 

PLEASE help. I know this is so drug out, but it's so hard when this happend. I don't know how to analyze this one. I did leave him a msg on cell after he left just telling him that I can't have him come down like this and pretend that he's my boyfriend not knowing his feelings. I told him that I loved him and I was sure of that and I also told him that I've had doubts with him at times to as "Do I love him enough to put up with this s*** or not" and I told him that even with those doubts I knew that I loved him and could honestly say that I do. I told him "You either want to be in this or you don't" .

God. This sucks and I'm sorry for dragging it on but shoot this helps so much to be able to get it out.

[Walk]

During this entire time (since he initially got upset with you), do you know why he's acting this way? What is his reasoning for creating so much confusion and distance between the two of you?

 

You said it was because he was uncertain about whether he was ready for life forever with you and your kids. Is that the entire reason he's given you?

 

I could see if he wasn't getting his needs met. Maybe if he were feeling neglected by you, or that you were taking too much from him and he felt like he was always giving and not getting as much in return. I could even see if you were making demands on him financially that he wasn't ready for. But what you said his reasons were, sound vague and more avoidance behavior.

 

I really think you need to ask him some questions about what's going on in his head, and why this occured. If you've been asking him questions and doing it without making him feel defensive or attacked for it, and he's still not able to answer them then you've done everything you can do in the situation. And at that point you have to ensure your mental well being first and foremost.

 

Personally, I'd explain to him that unless he could come to me with a clear head, or at the very least a sincere willingness to discuss the problems and attempt to find a solution (together), then I wasn't going to play his game any more. That I'd be more then willing to work on the problems with him, but if he wanted to see me it would be as my bf and behave as such, or not at all. That we would try to work on the problems as a team, or not at all. None of this ambiguity as to where I stand, or whether we're together, or not. I can't stand that shyt, and I won't tolerate it. I'd rather leave then go through that. It feels like a living hell at that point.

 

I really feel for you. Its not a good situation to be in.

[Mary3]

Wow. That's a good reply. Thank you. That is the story. He called last night and said "I want to come down". "I just want to be around you Bun". "I want to come down and be with you". WELL....like a dumb ass in love I said "ok". He came down and gave me a hug when he came in. It was like the motions of him being my boyfriend yet I didn't know what to do. SEX WAS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN IN CASE YOU ARE WONDERING. I already told myself that wasn't going to go. He didn't try. We went to my room layed in bed watched a little tv and I caught him looking at me once briefly when I was trying to sleep. I said "goodnight" and he leaned over and kissed me good night...nice little peck like we used to do. This morning when before he left he said (while I was still laying in bed) "I thought we'd have more snuggling last night but that's ok dont want MIXED snuggling". Like it was me who was holding back. I wanted to really bad but I didn't know how I was supposed to act. It was like having the motions of my boyfriend there but knowing he wasn't really 100 percent with me. When I walked him to the door he kissed me good bye. I shut the door and started crying a little. I went back a step. I can't be strung like this and get mixed msgs....OH yeah..when he called to come down he also said "I know I'm sending you mixed messages but I want to be come down". That was another. So, he knows that he's sending mixed signals. I don't understand. If he didn't love me would he want to come down and be with me like that? I don't know how to handle this one. Then he said that a mechanic is coming out Sat to work on the blazer (something for me) and he wnts me to come to shop and he said we could hang out and I could ride with him as he got parts for it.

 

PLEASE help. I know this is so drug out, but it's so hard when this happend. I don't know how to analyze this one. I did leave him a msg on cell after he left just telling him that I can't have him come down like this and pretend that he's my boyfriend not knowing his feelings. I told him that I loved him and I was sure of that and I also told him that I've had doubts with him at times to as "Do I love him enough to put up with this s*** or not" and I told him that even with those doubts I knew that I loved him and could honestly say that I do. I told him "You either want to be in this or you don't" .

God. This sucks and I'm sorry for dragging it on but shoot this helps so much to be able to get it out.

 

I'm curious . How often does he DO things for YOU ?

 

How often does he take you to dinner or just do special things for you ?

 

How much quality time does he spend with you doing outside activities ?

 

Is this mostly him coming over and wanting to be physical with you ?

 

Its almost like " Hey I want to come over and hang out with you " and then if you can't he gets pissy. How much of that is related to sex ?

 

I was in a very familiar situation as yours. Mine was very immature and alot of what you are saying was occuring. Needless to say ,I could not make him a serious boyfriend because it was all about HIM. We did have a few talks but he took offense to what I was saying about needs not being met.

 

I feel that alot of the treatment you receive should be instinctual to them. Just being good to you, showing that he cares , making you feel special.

 

Thats either within them or its not. Its pretty quick in finding out whats important to them.

 

Always go by the actions. Words are just words.

[temptris33]

He has been getting a little short with me on occasion over the past few weeks. I knew things were weird between us. I sensed it. He would always say I'm "grilling" whenever I asked ANYTHING. He never mentioned or talked to me about anything. I knew from his actions that he was not right with something. Thus we argued a little bit and I felt insecure. The reason that he gave me ( not sure how he'd be as a stepdad, doesn't have a house, the love is there (emotion) but not the motivation, etc...) those were the only things that he has brought up. Pretty much, yes, that he's not sure hes ready for a future with me and all that...not directly but round about way of saying it. He's just not sure he loves me enough to deal with everything...I guess.

 

Last night killed me. I've felt it all day.When he came over and spent the night (no sex). Set me back. I called him after a few hours went by this morning. I just said "hey, are we in this or arent we" because "you need to stop keeping me in limbo" and I asked him if the reason he was keeping me in limbo was because he didn't want me to be with anyone else or that he felt guilty that I was hurt..he said that did weigh on his mind also. He said he just missed me. He just missed me (after a day and a half) That's why he came down. He said that he wanted to talk to me last night...never did while he was here. ( He also told me he loved me the night before). If he doesn't want to be in this why is he coming down and calling me? Is he seriously that confused about me? I've been confused about him but know how I feel about him.

 

He's done some nice things for me. Paid off my big screen tv, bought me a 1500.00 road bike (bicycle) for my birthday, drove with me to take my mom to the hospital out of town and hung out with me all day (recently). He does take me to dinner here and there. He pays for most everything we do togethr because he wont let me. The past few weeks he had come over the sex was few. Not everytime. I did notice a dip in the regularity tho. But he's been working really hard and stressed about the business. What kinds of actions do I look for? That might sound like a stupid question, but I'm curious. It's always look for actions not always words. That's so true I know.

 

I don't want to keep pestering him about what's going on. After him coming down last night I'm confused as all. Never made demands on him. That's one thing that I never did. I wasn't demanding. I did alot for him. Cooked, sent cards in the mail, always complimented him bla bla bla. No demands on him financially that he didn't offer to do. No thing there. I just dont get it. How can I tell if he really loves me or not? I just want the freakn answer without any head games. If he doesn't than just leave me the heck alone. If he missed me after only a day and a half does that mean there are some feelings there and that he is really just confused?

[Love Hurts]

It takes time for people to get to know each other.... years of time together and still just when we think we know our partner, boyfriend, girlfriend.... they surprise and we don't know them at all.

 

You just got a small taste of the true self within your boyfriend.

 

He has the my way or the high way attitude. The more time you spend with him the deeper into your relationship. You will discover he has to be in control of himself as well as you. This is a process that begins slowly, subtly so that you will not be aware of the process of his taking control.

 

Men that need to be control freaks, usually end up being men of violence.

They beat women down emotionally and physically. He has to be better than you to feel good about himself. He has low self esteem. When you hurt he is happy.

 

They are not capable of true love as we wish they could be.

In place of that.... you are a possession, something he owns, somethng he has acquired.

 

He can be wonderful and tell you all want to hear, and then normal phase of all is well... Suddenly insulting you, to blowing up at you and then back to the wonderful honeymoon phase of the relationship you are so beautiful and how did he ever get you phase.

 

If you notice any of these phases in your relationship. Look out.

 

This is a not able to live with personality type.

 

For him to not be in control makes him very angry...... and you pay for it.

 

Hope im wrong and it's just a simple misunderstanding..

 

Good luck

[Love Hurts]

Jus for the heck of it,,,,,, look up these pesonality types

Narcisist, control freaks, psycotic personality, bi-polar disorder.

Finally abusive men....

 

 

If you are looking for signs.............. read the reports on these personality types........................... see if any red alerts go off...

 

 

Good Luck

[temptris33]

No. He's not abusive. He has spoken rudely to me before but not so much as to calling him abusive. I really think he's just confused as hell. I don't know. I'm sick of trying to figure it out. Last I wrote, that I called him after this morning and we spoke for a few minutes and he said hed call me back in a little while cuz the concrete truck just got there.....that was at 9:30. I don't think he's abusive. He's just a jerk! I think he loves me but cant be fully responsible to me because of the job that comes with loving me. I have kids, live apart, and am independant. To be fully with someone you need to give up some things, right? He's not willing to do that and be man enough to take all that comes with me. He only wants to be with me part time just enough so that no one else can have me. I think i'm getting it. I just think this is where he's at. I do believe that he has taken me for granted as well. I do think he loves me but is just unwilling to step up! Thank god for you guys on here or I don't know how I would have made these past few days....especially today.

[Mary3]

He has been getting a little short with me on occasion over the past few weeks. I knew things were weird between us. I sensed it. Always trust your instinctsHe would always say I'm "grilling" whenever I asked ANYTHING. You are pushing him. He does not like it.He never mentioned or talked to me about anything. I knew from his actions that he was not right with something. Thus we argued a little bit and I felt insecure.YOU feel insecure because you doubt what he is feeling about youhe gave me ( not sure how he'd be as a stepdad, doesn't have a house, the love is there (emotion) but not the motivation, etc...) those were the only things that he has brought up. Pretty much, yes, that he's not sure hes ready for a future with me and all that He keeps saying that . Pay attention...not directly but round about way of saying it. He's just not sure he loves me enough to deal with everything...That is correct.I guess.

 

Last night killed me. I've felt it all day.When he came over and spent the night (no sex). That would upset me too Set me back. I called him after a few hours went by this morning. I just said "hey, are we in this or arent we" because "you need to stop keeping me in limbo" and I asked him if the reason he was keeping me in limbo was because he didn't want me to be with anyone else or that he felt guilty that I was hurt..he said that did weigh on his mind also. He said he just missed me. He just missed me (after a day and a half) That's why he came down. He said that he wanted to talk to me last night...never did while he was here. ( He also told me he loved me the night before). If he doesn't want to be in this why is he coming down and calling me? Is he seriously that confused about me? I've been confused about him but know how I feel about him.All this confusion. He does have feelings but Not enough !

 

He's done some nice things for me. Paid off my big screen tv, bought me a 1500.00 road bike (bicycle) for my birthday, drove with me to take my mom to the hospital out of town and hung out with me all day (recently). Awesome He does take me to dinner here and there. He pays for most everything we do togethr because he wont let me.Nice The past few weeks he had come over the sex was few.Not so nice Not everytime. I did notice a dip in the regularity tho. Uh Oh But he's been working really hard and stressed about the business. Or so he says. It could be an excuse What kinds of actions do I look for? Um...too busy,...no sex...not sure of his feelings...usually mean the relationship is ending in his heartThat might sound like a stupid question, but I'm curious. It's always look for actions not always words.True Dat That's so true I know.

 

I don't want to keep pestering him about what's going on. You need to stop After him coming down last night I'm confused as all. Never made demands on him. Isn't that nice for him ? That's one thing that I never did. I wasn't demanding. I did alot for him. And this ? Cooked, sent cards in the mail, always complimented him bla bla bla.And this ?? No demands on him financially that he didn't offer to do. No thing there. I just dont get it. How can I tell if he really loves me or not? He wants to BE with you and love you and you don't WONDER like you are NOWI just want the freakn answer without any head games. He is playing head games BIG timeIf he doesn't than just leave me the heck alone. If he missed me after only a day and a half does that mean there are some feelings there and that he is really just confused?

There's some there and some sense of obligation It works like this : Women should Never have the *talk* with a man because it is the MAN who initiates where you are both going. For YOU to do the *talk* is like the kiss of death.[/i]You can't force or push ideas or wants and needs on a MAN. He will bolt !and fast ! You want to be the center of his world and when you are NOT then you need to Move On ! You can rock your emotions for the ride or decide you have had ENOUGH and get off the ride !

[Walk]

I like that Mary3. Especially the "Kiss of death" part. So true.

 

In my experience.... A guy is either giving his all from the beginning, or what you get is all you're ever going to get. It's not going to magically change, he's not going to have a stricking epiphony and suddenly break down all barriers to to having you fully in his life.

 

And when things are alright between the two of you, you may be comfortable with the way things are. But are they as good as they could be for you? Are you settling for half of what you want simply because it worked for you 2-3 years ago? It could be that the way your relationship was going was exactly the way you like. But I'm wondering if maybe you weren't wishing for more? Maybe a fuller integration of your lives? Maybe he picked up on this, and he's realized that he isn't ready to provide that for you. He might not want to end the relationship because it works for him. Maybe it is exactly what he wants from a relationship, and he doesn't want more. Which would put him in a situation where he may feel like he's less of a person for not providing you with what you want, yet feel he's incapable of giving you more.

 

To me, when he says he loves you but the motivation isn't there... it sounds as if he's saying he does care for you, but he doesn't want the same thing you want from a relationship. That he's happy with the indepence he had, the lack of responsibility, and freedom to do as he pleased. But he's realized that you might not be as happy with the situation. So he loves the way things were, and isn't motivated to change it. Possibly feels caught between wanting to give you what you want, yet not wanting the same thing for himself. His option would be to give you those things, or break up with you. But he doesn't want more, and you've never come straight out and said you wanted more. So he's left feeling like an ass because he feels you're not getting what you want, yet you've never asked for anything above what he's giving.

 

I'm just guessing on all this based off what you've posted. Feel free to correct it if I'm off. You may have been completely happy and satisfied with how your relationship was going, and never even subconciously expressed dissatisfaction. It may have absolutely nothing to do with you at all. Maybe his friend asked him when he was getting married, and that started him thinking about what he wanted out of life and if he was where he wanted to be to meet his goals. Maybe his goals and wants in life changed in the past few months, and he's realized that what he used to want isn't the same any more. Its really hard to say when he's giving you such vague answers to your questions.

 

I do know that if my SO is confused or unclear on how he's feeling, that it sometimes helps for me to ask questions that could potentially be headed in the right direction. Something for him to mull over and see if it fits or doesn't fit. And several times we've been able to discover the reasons and thoughts behind his feelings when he'd started out without understanding them. It doesn't always help solve the problem, but without a clearer idea of why the problem exists, then there's no possibility for a solution from either side.

[Walk]

Last I wrote, that I called him after this morning and we spoke for a few minutes and he said hed call me back in a little while cuz the concrete truck just got there.....that was at 9:30.

 

9:30 Am?? Like 12 hours ago?