norajane Posted May 28, 2006 Posted May 28, 2006 When he said he wants simplicity in his life, it means he has trouble dealing with your insecure drama queen side. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. I've read this whole thread and your posts are all about you - you even found a way to be insecure about his infection and trip to the hospital. When he says he can't make the effort anymore, he doesn't mean the 10 minute drive. It means he can't make the effort to try to meet your expectations of how you think he ought to behave if he really loved you. It means he can't deal with your insecurities anymore. It means he can't deal with you wanting more and more time from him. He feels pressure and stress from you. You keep asking him if it's over, and he keeps saying it's up to you. That's your insecurity talking and he's tired of dealing with it...that's why he keeps saying, whatever you want. You create drama, and magnify it, and read into things and overanalyze them. It sounds like you're doing some weighing and balancing of your own, though - that's great. If he's always been consumed by work and that bothers you, you should consider whether he can give you the kind of relationship you want to have. Will he always be consumed by work? Why is he working so hard - is there an end goal, or is he a workaholic? Will you ever be satisfied with the time he can make for you? Does he treat you like you want to be treated? Just keep in mind that all men are different. Some are the kind that bring flowers, and some aren't. If you love and accept your guy, you may have to accept that he's the kind of guy that doesn't do flowers.
Mary3 Posted May 28, 2006 Posted May 28, 2006 When he said he wants simplicity in his life, it means he has trouble dealing with your insecure drama queen side. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. I've read this whole thread and your posts are all about you - you even found a way to be insecure about his infection and trip to the hospital. When he says he can't make the effort anymore, he doesn't mean the 10 minute drive. It means he can't make the effort to try to meet your expectations of how you think he ought to behave if he really loved you. It means he can't deal with your insecurities anymore. It means he can't deal with you wanting more and more time from him. He feels pressure and stress from you. You keep asking him if it's over, and he keeps saying it's up to you. That's your insecurity talking and he's tired of dealing with it...that's why he keeps saying, whatever you want. You create drama, and magnify it, and read into things and overanalyze them. It sounds like you're doing some weighing and balancing of your own, though - that's great. If he's always been consumed by work and that bothers you, you should consider whether he can give you the kind of relationship you want to have. Will he always be consumed by work? Why is he working so hard - is there an end goal, or is he a workaholic? Will you ever be satisfied with the time he can make for you? Does he treat you like you want to be treated? Just keep in mind that all men are different. Some are the kind that bring flowers, and some aren't. If you love and accept your guy, you may have to accept that he's the kind of guy that doesn't do flowers. Great Post ! I could not have said it better. OP : Do you think he wants a clingy insecure woman who asks " Are we over today ? " You are driving him AWAY. Until you get clear about who you are and what crap you will put up with and be stronger and tell him to piss off , then you have what you have.... I must also mention the fact that he likely has the hots for the 18 year old who is 20 years younger , I know thats an *Ouch* but its a likely... What he liked in you before is OVER. He wants the young vibrant non complaining non drama 18 year old., I KNOW I sound harsh. Its only to speed up your thinking process to get stronger inside so your next relationship SURVIVES. I think this one is over,. He is likely spending time with her up in his Shop Room. You have removed what he loved about you. He wants OUT, ALL the signs are there. He wont say it , he will just distance himself from you and begrudgingly take your offers of company until he drops the BOMB. Sorry
Fun2BMe Posted May 28, 2006 Posted May 28, 2006 I think this one is over,. He is likely spending time with her up in his Shop Room. You have removed what he loved about you. He wants OUT, ALL the signs are there. He wont say it , he will just distance himself from you and begrudgingly take your offers of company until he drops the BOMB. Sorry If he wants out so much, then why did he get so upset when she didn't want to see him that night? That's what triggered all of this when he wanted to see her and she was too tired. He ends up getting THIS upset over that. If he wanted out, he wouldn't have cared that much about not being able to see her one night. I do think you have to back off for a while. You can only do so much to say you're sorry. If he was mature, he wouldn't get upset in the first place if for once you couldn't see him when he has flaked on you so often, stood you up and so on. He sounds very spoiled. I don't get why he works so many days and hours yet can't afford a nicer room to stay in with a private bathroom instead of going outside to use the shop's public bathroom. And for 3 years? What is he saving all his money for? And I would think those in his profession make quite a bit of money. He has never bought you flowers. He LIED about the time he was out with the 18 year old. Even if it was for work, if he had nothing to hide why did he pretend he was with a male co-worker? Even if he finally comes around and starts talking again and things are back to 'normal', I don't think he is able to fulfill all of your needs. You mention you have children. Don't you want to be with someone who has more time to spend with you and them instead of barely 2 days/week and that's when you only live 10 minutes apart? One little inconvenience and he makes you suffer like this? It's all wrong.
Vertex Posted May 28, 2006 Posted May 28, 2006 Ohhh how familiar this all sounds to me. Don't chase him or cling -- any actions of the sort will drive him away. He is a little immature and apparently enjoys sulking. He does it because you sound like you give into his demands often and he understands this. However, it seems like he is losing interest in the relationship since he apparently cannot prioritize you correctly. A lot of the things he says are just flat-out excuses -- an attempt to dig for things to complain about to make you feel worse. My ex-girlfriend did a lot of similar things that this guy is doing now. People in love with you seek your interaction... they want to make time for you. The distance between my ex-girlfriend and myself was an hour, and it was an easy trip to make on the weekends. Your distance is even smaller. If he cannot manage such a small distance then it is clearly obvious that he is wanting to pull out. In my last relationship it slowly became something where I was constantly making all the trips to see her and never vice versa because she always had some excuse as to why she couldn't take time out of her day to come visit. It was a sign I purposely ignored because I wanted to make the relationship work. Unfortunately, avoiding such issues won't help it. You have to be strong and know what your needs are and if they aren't being met. People in love with you don't blame you for getting in the way of making money or place you on the back burners constantly. Your best bet right now is to pull back and stand up for yourself and settle for nothing less than what you deserve.
Author temptris33 Posted May 28, 2006 Author Posted May 28, 2006 First off...the first two posts. Yes. A little bit harsh and way off. I have never been the one to put any kind of demands on him. I've never complained about not getting enough time with him...maybe once or twice but not in the whiny bitch way. This entire post was "venting" because I didn't want to create drama with him until I was able to get a little advice on how to handle things. I have mentioned to him before on the chick thing, but only once. I don't feel the need to keep nagging him. I only asked him ONE TIME when we talked on the phone "where we stand". Only because I hadn't talked to him for a few days before that. I was the first one to call him and I had every right to know "what's up". Maybe I worded it wrong, but I don't make a habit of asking him that. I figured if it was over, then it's over. Just let me know and I'll "fade into the past". So, that's that. I haven't mentioned all this stuff to him, only to you guys. As for the 18 year old girl. His sister even told me that I have nothing to worry about with her. That entire thing isn't really what had been bothering me the most. It was the fact that he got so mad at me for me wanting alone time. I didn't talk to him since I saw him briefly Fri night when he was sick. It wasn't insecurities with him being sick and not calling bla bla. It was just a sad feeling that I had because I couldn't help him and I never even knew he was hurt. We've been together a long time. He is one of my best friends and he would be the first one I'd call if I was hurt or whatever. Anyways..I didn't say anything to him that night except that I loved him and gave him a squeeze and told him to get some sleep. I appreciate your posts! There were just a couple that were WAY OFF on me. He called me about 930 last night. I didn't answer because I just felt like I didn't want to be at his beck and call. I just wanted him to think about missing me for a while (if he does) and wondering. My phone rang again at 1230 (after midnight) I answered. He said "hi" and that he was worried about me. He thought I went out partying or whatever. He said "he was just checking on me. I said "Im home". He told me he'd talk to me tomorrow *(today). When he called the first time he left a msg and said that he might need my help at the shop cuz his hand isn't working that good yet. If he doesn't go for a bike ride with his friend. So, this is where all the confusion comes in. He wants me or he doesn't.
Author temptris33 Posted May 28, 2006 Author Posted May 28, 2006 okay here's the end to this all. He called me all morning starting at 930. I didn't answer because I just didn't want to be "available". He called about 4 or 5 times in about 2 hrs. I called him back and he said that he wanted to know if we could meet for lunch. I said sure. We met at the job site and went to lunch. It was a normal lunch. I didn't say squat about the argument. I was just cheerful. I took an hour to get ready and I looked great! Anyways, he walked me back to my car afterwards. We hadn't kissed or hugged since I met him at the job site. He said "this feels weird". Yeah, I'll admit that it felt awkward because we are normally kissing eachother good bye. I asked for a hug and gave him a hug with a pat on the back..he even made a comment "oh I get a pat now huh" and smiled. We didn't kiss. We are meeting up for a movie later. I'm not going to call him or throw myself at him. I'm going to let him pursue me again. At lunch he was questioning what I did last night and if any guys were hitting on me when I went out and bla bla. I just smiled and said NO. So, if he wasn't still interested in me and didn't love me, he wouldn't have called me and tried his best to find me. THink? How should I tred on this one now? I definately want to be treated a little better but don't want to have the "talk". Thank you so much for all the advice that you guys have given me. Please answer this last one and that will be that. Thanks again
Fun2BMe Posted May 28, 2006 Posted May 28, 2006 If I was him I'd lose respect for someone your age who puts up with his childlike behavior. There is zereo communication between the two of you. You brush everything under the rug and hold your breath that everything will be ok and he won't stay mad at you even though he had no right to be in the first place. Sure everything will go ok. Not too many girls would put up with his behavior and you do. He gets mad when he had no right to be, instead of you putting him in check you ignore the whole thing and not talk about it even though he doesn't feel like discussing anything. It sounds like a very artificial relationship like two kids going to the movies ignoring all the problems around them so they disappear. Your only concern is if he is going to kiss you when you've been together 3 years and there are problems all around. You sound like you are 12.
Author temptris33 Posted May 28, 2006 Author Posted May 28, 2006 My comment to the kiss thing was just to show that it was strange between us. That's it. I guess I do sweep a lot under the rug. On one hand people give me advice to not be a drama queen and that guys can't handle that s***. On the other hand, I get advice telling me to speak up. Some tell me if I nag and pressure (talking) then he'll run for the hills. Isn't there a happy medium somewhere? Ok then..tonight I'd like to talk to him. Since men generally don't do confrontation very well, do you have any advice as to how I should approach him tonight and have a talk about things?
Fun2BMe Posted May 28, 2006 Posted May 28, 2006 I don't know how you should bring it up and I don't want to make things worse between you. Think of it this way. If down the road you ever need time to yourself, are you going to feel comfortable telling him? Or has he drawn a line that your relationship will be in trouble based on you taking care of one of your needs. If you turn a blind eye now and in the future you bring it up, he will think you are playing games since for all he knows it hasn't bothered you now. You are chearful and overly lovey towards him so HE doesn't feel upset, when all along he's the one who snubbed you and made you feel awful. You have to say SOMETHING. Maybe someone else can give you advice on what to say or how to approach it. I know it's hard to speak up in this type of a situation when anything that rocks the boat he is ready to jump off instead of dealing with issues. I can empathize with you there.
Author temptris33 Posted May 28, 2006 Author Posted May 28, 2006 Thank you. I'm going to bring him somewhere quiet tonight after the movie and just have a little chat with him. I'm going to tell him that I don't ever want to feel like I felt the past few days and I wont put up with it again. I'm basically going to tell him what I want and need from this relationship and ask him what he expects from me. I'll say it all in a nice way of course. You're right. I do need to say something and if he can't stand talking about it then that's my answer. He's gonna have to move on down the road.
Fun2BMe Posted May 28, 2006 Posted May 28, 2006 Great, that is good to hear. So many women put their needs on the back burner. At the end, they are always feeling hurt and their guy gets away with not giving them all they need. You are not his mother who he can pout to and act this way towards. You have very strong feelings for him and he has to know how much they get hurt by his behavior or else it is a matter of time until he hurts you again seeing how he gets away with it.
Author temptris33 Posted May 28, 2006 Author Posted May 28, 2006 Thank you so much. I just put the blanket in the back of my car. I'm taking him to the park (with cheesecake) after the movie. I'm sure I'll be back on here tomorrow with how it turned out.
Mary3 Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 To make this short....My bf and I got into an argument. I hadn't seen him for two days because we are both so busy. This one day in particular I had a rough day..mom in hospital..stress at work...kids..etc..he called "hey can I come down tonight"? I told him "can I take a rain check"? "I just wanted to have a quiet night at home and have a little alone time". He got really butt hurt and couldn't understand. #1 Yet..many times I have been blown off by him for one reason or another.#2..nuther story....Well, that was Wednesday night. He didn't call me all day the next day or into the evening#3....I finally called him last night around 10. He said he didn't want to talk (rudely) #4and just wanted to sleep. I told him that I couldn't have that...I needed to know why he's blowing me off and so mad. I asked him if he was going to call me (before I called him) and he said "no". #5 He then told me (anything he said was pretty much in a rude tone)#6 he was busy all weekend working and went into detail on what he had to do and then said that Sunday he's going bike riding with his friend. His only day off. He had no intentions of including me in this weekend.#7 I then told him..ok then I'll come up and see you Friday night. He said really rude "if that's what you want to do". #8 JERK! I don't believe if you are upset with someone that you just don't ever call them and create distance between you...acting like I don't exist. #9 What do I do? I did ask him if we are together or what...he said whatever I want. #10 I asked him if he wanted to see other people or what? He rudely said "sure" "sure" #11if that's what you want. He just was being sarcastic and rude.#12 We ended with the conversation that we are still together...whatever that means.#13 Why would someone treat someone they love this way? It's ok for him to behave this way but the minute I get negative about anything its a crime. What do i do now? Do I call him or just let him do his thing..PLEASE HELP. Take a look at some of the things he said and the way he treated you above.
Author temptris33 Posted May 29, 2006 Author Posted May 29, 2006 Okay here goes. Going to the movies last night was nice. It was like being there with a "friend". He didn't touch me once. After the movie, at the cars, I asked him if he would come down to my house. He just kind of looked at me with a glare and said firmly "I'm staying at the shop". No reason just "Im staying at the shop" when I asked why. So, I was going to take him to the park and have a talk because I feel that's what we needed to do. We haven't ever. Like someone stated above, I just would shove things under the rug. Well, I figured I'd just talk there. He was sitting in his truck and I was standing up. Face to face. I told him that we need to talk with each other. We need to respect eachother more and trust each other more. He agreed. I asked him if the love is still there he told me that he loved me more than anything. Tears are welling in his eyes at this point. I asked him if there was someone else. He said No. That he doesn't have time to see someone else. I'm not grilling at this point...it's just kind of flowing together and I am very calm and not crying...I could see and sense that there was something he wanted to say so i just kept talking to him. I said ""do you want me to break up with you is that why you are treating me this way and that would get you off the hook from doing it to me". He just looked right at me and shook his head...kind of like an unsure no.He never answered with a direct NO. I told him that I deserve better and I want better. I told him that I wanted to feel important to him and significant. he understood that. I asked him if he wanted to go our seperate ways..he just shook his head and his eyes started welling up. I aksed why he was getting so upset and he told me that when I ask questions like this he thinks of what the consequence would be with out a relationship. He said that all his relationships have ended badly. I just think he wants to say something but cant. I don't know. He said that I hurt him when I didn't want him to come down and he doesn't like to be hurt. He said he didn't want to come down to a place where he wasn't welcome. (my place). He said that I am a source of emotion for him and doesn't like to feel emotional. ????? I just listened. I didn't question that...but what the hell does that mean anyway? Long story made shorter...I offered to go up to shop and he could leave his truck and ride back with me to my house. He said okay. On the way back to my house he was still very stand offish with me. No affection what so ever. I asked him how long he was going to do be like this to me and he said "I dont know". I asked him why he takes any argument we have to the extreme...he said he doesn't know why he does that. I forgot to mention that at his truck when I asked him if there was anyone else he said no (of course ) and also said "I can understand why you are asking me". So, do you see why I feel so insecure? I'm still reeling. He's in bed sleeping. We haven't had sex in over two weeks and I'm sure I wont get it this morning before he leaves. It would be so much easier to just know what was going on in that head of his. It would be easier for the both of us. It would save a lot of drama and questions. Right now I am feeling weird about everything. My gut just can't let it go. His actions make me feel insecure. Do you understand? I know that he wants to say something but can't. I don't know what it is, but it's killing me. When I drop him off today and things aren't at least a little different...minor things like maybe a kiss goodbye or a hug without me asking for it...I'm going to tell him to call me only when he figures things out and if he decides that he can treat me better. I don't know. What kind of advice can you give me now when you read through what happened last night? Does it sound like he has something to say but cant? I'm not hounding him on this. Only you guys.
Fun2BMe Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 There is definitely something he is not telling you. He says there isn't, but like you said, not so directly. His actions tell a whole other story that there definitely is something on his mind. It is giving very mixed signals. It could be he really loves you and wants to stay with you and HE feels insecure when you talk about your relationship. On the other hand you are doing everything imaginable yet he is still not coming around. This is not fair to you at all. He is making you suffer and you don't know why anymore. Don't spread yourself any thinner. That's a good idea to tell him to contact you after he figures things out because it is too hurtful for you to contact him only to get no emotion and communication out of him. It is also a little puzzling how he said you have a right to question about his fidelity. The fact that he has stopped having sex with you and at the same time is acting distant is a little worrisome. For your own protection, give yourself some space from him so that you won't get hurt any further both by his current behavior and if in the remote chance he is planning to break things off. I wonder what others have to say about it. I hope you are holding up ok.
Author temptris33 Posted May 29, 2006 Author Posted May 29, 2006 I'm trying to hold up but it's killing me. I hurt all the time. It would be such an ease to know what was up either way. If he just has feelings for someone else (not seeing someone) and is confused then just tell me. I would deal with it alot better knowing that wondering. I wouldn't get mad and angry. I'd deal with it and end it gracefully. I'm so in love with this person it sucks.
Mary3 Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 Okay here goes. Going to the movies last night was nice. It was like being there with a "friend". He didn't touch me once. Red FlagAfter the movie, at the cars, I asked him if he would come down to my house. He just kind of looked at me with a glare and said firmly "I'm staying at the shop". Big Red Flag No reason just "Im staying at the shop" when I asked why. So, I was going to take him to the park and have a talk because I feel that's what we needed to do.As you should We haven't ever. Like someone stated above, I just would shove things under the rug. Well, I figured I'd just talk there. He was sitting in his truck and I was standing up. Face to face. I told him that we need to talk with each other. We need to respect eachother more and trust each other more. He agreed. I asked him if the love is still there he told me that he loved me more than anything. Tears are welling in his eyes at this point. I asked him if there was someone else. He said No. Yes there is That he doesn't have time to see someone else. I'm not grilling at this point...it's just kind of flowing together and I am very calm and not crying...I could see and sense that there was something he wanted to say so i just kept talking to him. He sure does have something to sayI said ""do you want me to break up with you is that why you are treating me this way and that would get you off the hook from doing it to me". He just looked right at me and shook his head...kind of like an unsure no.Uh ohHe never answered with a direct NO. Another red flag I told him that I deserve better and I want better. I told him that I wanted to feel important to him and significant. he understood that. I asked him if he wanted to go our seperate ways..he just shook his head and his eyes started welling up. I aksed why he was getting so upset and he told me that when I ask questions like this he thinks of what the consequence would be with out a relationship. He said that all his relationships have ended badly. I just think he wants to say something but cant. I don't know. He said that I hurt him when I didn't want him to come down and he doesn't like to be hurt. He said he didn't want to come down to a place where he wasn't welcome. (my place). He said that I am a source of emotion for him and doesn't like to feel emotional. ????? Guys just don't I just listened. I didn't question that...but what the hell does that mean anyway? Long story made shorter...I offered to go up to shop and he could leave his truck and ride back with me to my house. He said okay. On the way back to my house he was still very stand offish with me. No affection what so ever. I get it I asked him how long he was going to do be like this to me and he said "I dont know". I asked him why he takes any argument we have to the extreme...he said he doesn't know why he does that. I forgot to mention that at his truck when I asked him if there was anyone else he said no (of course ) and also said "I can understand why you are asking me".You bet he can So, do you see why I feel so insecure? I'm still reeling. He's in bed sleeping. We haven't had sex in over two weeks oUCH ! and I'm sure I wont get it this morning before he leaves. It would be so much easier to just know what was going on in that head of his. It would be easier for the both of us. It would save a lot of drama and questions. Right now I am feeling weird about everything. My gut just can't let it go. His actions make me feel insecure. Do you understand? Yes I know that he wants to say something but can't. I don't know what it is, but it's killing me. Its called guilt When I drop him off today and things aren't at least a little different...minor things like maybe a kiss goodbye or a hug without me asking for it...I'm going to tell him to call me only when he figures things out and if he decides that he can treat me better. I don't know. What kind of advice can you give me now when you read through what happened last night? Does it sound like he has something to say but cant? I'm not hounding him on this. Only you guys.I believe he is having an emotional and possible physical affair with the 18 year old. He is feeling guilt and does not want to hurt you with the truth. He also has issues from past bad relationships. I believe through all of this that he does care about you but he wants OUT and the drama free 18 year old is his release.. Sorry but thats my gut feeling. I could be wrong but something is NOT right here and he is lying to you about HER and no SEX for 2 weeks ???? I smell trouble. Just want you to be prepared. Your gut instinct is kicking you hard. Pay attention to it ! Please read above at sections I highlighted and think about what you have wrote here
Author temptris33 Posted May 29, 2006 Author Posted May 29, 2006 Well. When I just took him home he finally opened up. I was upset that he just jumped out of bed this morning and said "I gotta go". I didn't let him know that tho. When we got there he just sat in my car a little and I knew something was up. i knew he had something to say a long time ago. Just as I promised, I wouldnt get upset if he told my whatever. I didn't. We hung out at his truck, he sat down and spilled what was bugging him. On one hand he loves me so much (tears in his eyes) and the other he wonders what he's doing. He said he's at the Y in the road. I have kids. He's known this since day one. They are older so its not like their 5 and 3 but still nevertheless-kids. He wonders how he would be as a stepdad and he wonders how our marriage would be (I've been married before and the guy was using drugs so I left) and he was just at a crossroads. He isn't at the point in his life yet to build his house and he feels that he needs to devote 100 percent to work. he said that if he already had his house and all that it would be totally different. We were hugging eachother very tight and shedding a lot of tears. I told him that it was okay to feel that way and I was glad that he is being honest. I told him its ok that he feels unsure and I will back off from him and he can call me when he thinks he's ready. I told him its okay that he feels the way he does and that there is a person out there for me that wants everything that I have. He said it would make him physically sick to see me with someone else. He is just at a crossroads and in his heart he feels that he needs to make a decision and he can't. He said that he wants me in his life no matter what. I CANT DO THAT> I cant stand behind and watch him date and screw other women. IT KILLS ME RIGHT NOW JUST DEALING WITH THE FACT THAT HES AT THIS CROSSROADS AND WE ARE NO LONGER. What do I do now? I'm such a basket case. I could barely drive home I was crying so hard...what do I do
Mary3 Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 Well. When I just took him home he finally opened up. I was upset that he just jumped out of bed this morning and said "I gotta go". I didn't let him know that tho. When we got there he just sat in my car a little and I knew something was up. i knew he had something to say a long time ago. Just as I promised, I wouldnt get upset if he told my whatever. I didn't. We hung out at his truck, he sat down and spilled what was bugging him. On one hand he loves me so much (tears in his eyes) and the other he wonders what he's doing. He said he's at the Y in the road. I have kids. He's known this since day one. They are older so its not like their 5 and 3 but still nevertheless-kids. He wonders how he would be as a stepdad and he wonders how our marriage would be (I've been married before and the guy was using drugs so I left) and he was just at a crossroads. He isn't at the point in his life yet to build his house and he feels that he needs to devote 100 percent to work. he said that if he already had his house and all that it would be totally different. We were hugging eachother very tight and shedding a lot of tears. I told him that it was okay to feel that way and I was glad that he is being honest. I told him its ok that he feels unsure and I will back off from him and he can call me when he thinks he's ready. I told him its okay that he feels the way he does and that there is a person out there for me that wants everything that I have. He said it would make him physically sick to see me with someone else. He is just at a crossroads and in his heart he feels that he needs to make a decision and he can't. He said that he wants me in his life no matter what. I CANT DO THAT> I cant stand behind and watch him date and screw other women. IT KILLS ME RIGHT NOW JUST DEALING WITH THE FACT THAT HES AT THIS CROSSROADS AND WE ARE NO LONGER. What do I do now? I'm such a basket case. I could barely drive home I was crying so hard...what do I do He has made his choice ! He struggles but internally he has made his choice. He is confuzzzled but he does not want what he has so therefore GO OUT and get on with YOUR LIFE ! Nuff said. Don't let him come whining back down the road when he decides he made a mistake. The critical time came for him to WORK on saving this and he is throwing it to the roadside with doubt. You deserve better ! Please don't take him back after he messes up . He could be testing the waters with the young girl and if she does not work out he comes bouncing back to you ! God please don't let him do that to you. Get strong
Author temptris33 Posted May 29, 2006 Author Posted May 29, 2006 Honestly I don't think its her. I think he was being honest. Although it would be easier to deal with (no false future hope) if he did say if he was seeing someone. Then I'd be done. He said the emotions are totally there with me. He loves me more than anything. The emotions are there he said but just not the motivation. He said that he is so attracted to me and that he loves me so much but so many other things (what he and I just talked about) have been on his mind thus causing lack of sex drive. So that explains that. I honestly think he's at a cross roads. How do I stop this pain tho? How do I move on after three years of loving someone so much? We've been through so much together. How do I make it through each day without crying? He wants to stay in eachothers lives but I can't. Do I not ever call him again? Its so hard. I just can't turn off emotions. If the emotions are there and he loves me like he says he does than wouldn't you think you could get through whatever together or at least try and not quit.
Author temptris33 Posted May 29, 2006 Author Posted May 29, 2006 yeah it is. I guess it takes some people more time to vent than others. So, thank you for all the replies and advice. If there is anyone with a final comment on how to stop the pain and how to move on without wonder than please send it. Thank you again.
Fun2BMe Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 I just can't turn off emotions. If the emotions are there and he loves me like he says he does than wouldn't you think you could get through whatever together or at least try and not quit. Remember he said he doesn't want to feel emotions? Whereas you are feeling emotional and in love, he does not feel as deeply in general and that includes towards you. It might make it easier for you to get over him if you realize that he doesn't love you. He likes you, but if he loved you he wouldn't leave you like this. He has known you have children for three years. There doesn't seem to be a real reason he is providing for him to leave you. If he did love you, he would stick with you at least until he was 100% sure of his next move instead of peeling away from you like this. He would not quit out of the blue. He doesn't love you. I am so sick of men saying they love you when they don't mean it. He doesn't want to hurt your feelings at least but in reality you end up hurting more believing what he wants you to believe making it difficult to deal with the situation properly. There is no fast way to feel better. Try not to think about him and to go about your life. Focus on your children and other things. Go out with other men. Too bad if it would kill him to see you moving on with your life. Does he expect you to lock yourself at home and not date? I would start dating and not look back. Otherwise you could stay hurt for years. I recently stopped dating a guy who the week before said he loved me but it was all a lie. I am occupying myself with other things, going out and not letting myself think about him and life goes on.
Author temptris33 Posted May 30, 2006 Author Posted May 30, 2006 That really sucks that they do that. He said the emotion is there just not the motivation because he's been thinking of all this stuff lately. He said he loved me like he has loved no other and that isn't it. He was very quick and direct, looking me in the eyes when he said that. He just said "I don't know". "I don't know". Im at a Y in the road and I just dont know. Maybe he realizes he's coming up to the next step of our relationship and he isn't ready...house..etc...and doesn't feel he can give me that next step because he's not there yet. That's one part that I think about. Yet on the other hand, you are right because especially over the course of a week he hasn't shown me ANY affection..kind of like hangin with a friend. He says that when he has stress over things he pulls away. How long do i give him? He didn't end it by saying its completely over he still led me to believe that he just needed time to figure things out. I'm taking it that it's done. I can't go through another day like I had yesterday. Not eating, or sleeping. I have to work today (at least try) and that will help. I guess I just want the yes or no from him. I dont want to be left in limbo. A few months back we had a similar break up (same topic) but he didn't treat me with such disregard as this time. We ended up working it out only to be here again.
l2hvn Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 He cannot give you what you want. He doesn't sound like a mature man to me with the way he's been treating you. A real jerk to say the least. Any man who says "I don't know" when confronted about what's going on in the relationship is playing dumb. He doesn't love you (anymore). He doesn't have the balls to break up with you. Also, something is definitely not right here. You know it. He knows it. So it's up to you to decide what you're going to do next. I would have to agree with the other poster. There might be something going on with the 18 year old girl. It wouldn't be a surprise since they work together, see each other everyday. And I'm sorry, if my bf makes a comment about that "hot 17 year old girl," my antennae would've been all over the place. It's disrespectful to you. Any guy who's truly in love with their girl wouldn't make a comment like that, especially about somebody they're working with. You kept saying there's nothing going on. But you still have doubts. Sometimes love makes us not see things clearly. And when you look back on this, you'll know there were signs. You either stay and pretend everything's going to be okay (when clearly it's not) or move on, unfortunately. Best to move on as hard, as it may seems. Don't contact him, period. It's the only way you can heal and move forward.
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