what do I do with him?

[temptris33]

To make this short....My bf and I got into an argument. I hadn't seen him for two days because we are both so busy. This one day in particular I had a rough day..mom in hospital..stress at work...kids..etc..he called "hey can I come down tonight"? I told him "can I take a rain check"? "I just wanted to have a quiet night at home and have a little alone time". He got really butt hurt and couldn't understand. Yet..many times I have been blown off by him for one reason or another...nuther story....Well, that was Wednesday night. He didn't call me all day the next day or into the evening....I finally called him last night around 10. He said he didn't want to talk (rudely) and just wanted to sleep. I told him that I couldn't have that...I needed to know why he's blowing me off and so mad. I asked him if he was going to call me (before I called him) and he said "no". He then told me (anything he said was pretty much in a rude tone) he was busy all weekend working and went into detail on what he had to do and then said that Sunday he's going bike riding with his friend. His only day off. He had no intentions of including me in this weekend. I then told him..ok then I'll come up and see you Friday night. He said really rude "if that's what you want to do". JERK! I don't believe if you are upset with someone that you just don't ever call them and create distance between you...acting like I don't exist. What do I do? I did ask him if we are together or what...he said whatever I want. I asked him if he wanted to see other people or what? He rudely said "sure" "sure" if that's what you want. He just was being sarcastic and rude. We ended with the conversation that we are still together...whatever that means. Why would someone treat someone they love this way? It's ok for him to behave this way but the minute I get negative about anything its a crime. What do i do now? Do I call him or just let him do his thing..PLEASE HELP.

[l2hvn]

You clearly have communication problems here. He's sulking and probably felt rejected when he wanted to spend time with you (because he probably missed you to bits), as that was probably a routine already. But no reason to act the way he did.

 

You have to be able to tell him that what you want from him is a little understanding because of what you are going through at the moment. And tell him that you love him and miss him and would love to spend quality time with him. Just have an honest conversation.

 

If he still says no, or doesn't fess up to his real feelings about things (you and him --- because obviously something's bothering him, and he's not happy), then maybe you should reconsider this relationship.

[Lovegod]

He got really butt hurt and couldn't understand.

He rudely said "sure" "sure" if that's what you want.

I'd hate to break this to you about your boyfriend, but you're dating an emotional woman. You need a guy who knows where his brain is, and what direction he's walking in. This indecisive bulls*** is only going to drag things out until you get the real answer months or years from now. Who the hell wants to wait that long?

 

You've got enough girlfriends. Go out and find a REAL man.

[temptris33]

You guys are great! Keep em coming! Ok. The communication thing....I tried. He doesn't want to talk. It's pointless to talk to him because he doesn't want to hear anything. I don't want to call him because I'd feel like I would be throwing myself at him. I already did that and actually I feel like an idiot. How can a guy just not call you all of a sudden because he's mad? Treating me like I don't exist for however long he feels the need...We don't spend a lot of time together during the week. Usually once or twice during the week and Sat nights and half Sunday. I'm really hurting. Honestly. Bad. How someone could treat me with such disregard. He said he just wants simplicity in his life...?????....said that I am sooo easy to be around a lot of times, but sometimes I can really fu** things up. I guess this is one of em...ok..here's another question for you to see if I'm outa line for feeling like this....He doesn't know I was mad about this. I kept it to myself..because I've mentioned to him before how I felt on this certain thing..but yet did it again...here goes:

 

Couple days ago I was working near his shop. I stopped in to borrow something I needed for work. I knew he wouldn't be there cuz he was working..no big. His White truck (uses for work) was gone. I left, and came back about an hour and half to return stuff. His work truck was back but his personal truck was gone and this girls blazer that works for him was parked. She wasn't there. This girl is 18. They've known her since she was little. SHe does a few things around the shop here and there...she's really a cutie. I was kind of miffed because we've had this talk before about her. I saw him onetime going to get lunch with his sister and this girl. I saw them in his personal truck. I didn't say anything. Next time, I was driving through town and saw him with her and they were pulling the jeep. OK. I'm pissed. This jeep is something that he was building. It got finished being painted and he went and got it. It's a special time getting that and she was there. They were on the way to grab a hamburger..(I got this info cuz I called him on the cell) He said "she just works for me". "I needed an extra hand to push the trailor with the jeep". ( there were already two guys at the jeep place to help). Well, he knew how I felt. I told him that I didn't like her hanging out with him like that. Riding around in his truck....he knew I was upset. He TOLD HER that I was upset at him because of her. !!!!!! ! Anyways...you can see where the communication goes in one ear and out the other with him. No regard for my feelings. Ok. Jump back to her car parked and she's with him apparently doing a clean up job (concrete) but no one knew where. I asked his sister at the shop. I couldn't reach him on his cell for four hours! It would have said "missed calls" on it. He always checks his cell when he's with me. He called me about 4 hrs later...said "HE" was driving back through town. He didn't mention that he was with her. I asked him what car he was in (cuz both are at shop) he said he was with Drew and hadn't checked his phone til now. So, with that all in mind....do I have a right to be pissed and insecure and feeling jealous. Mind you that I barely get time with him other than what I mentioned above. Maybe if we spent more time (not all the time) together and I felt like I was a priority, then I wouldn't feel the way I do. I can probably guess that this girl likes knowing that her presence is bugging me....her 18 year old mind. I know how I was at that age. So, am I justified? How would all of you feel if that happened to you and what would you do?

[temptris33]

Oh yeah. Theres a corkboard in his shop and her Queen contest picture is on it as well as prom pic, newspaper clipping of her, picture of her on a quad with my boyfriend on one side and his dad on the other..a queen poster (which is over now) still on the window and one by the main door....a freakn shrine! No customer go in there...Just family business..so add all that into it too. HELP

[Lovegod]

I told him that I didn't like her hanging out with him like that. Riding around in his truck....he knew I was upset.

I'm going to put the blame on YOU for this one. He was doing something work related with a co-worker. Do you honestly expect him to ignore the rest of the female population just because he's dating you? Accept the fact that the universe doesn't revolve around you and he needs to interact with other women in his life.

Also, I've noticed that men's taste in women and WOMEN's taste in women differ greatly. Just because you think she's attractive, it doesn't mean he finds her attractive. Men and women are different (even when the men act like whiny bitches)

[willduggan]

well in all honesty there COULD be something going on. but then again it could all just be you reading into things a bit more then you should. reading from your first post you said something to the effect of "taking a rain check" on him coming over, did you explain to him how tired you were and all the details or did you just tell him the raincheck thing? if you just told him the raincheck thing it might sound like you dont want to spend time with him when he has the time available to do things together.

 

as for the second maybe my relationship can help a little. my girlfriend used to HATE when i would do ANYTHING social with other women. i imagine she felt very threatened and the like and she let me know it. even though the only woman i hung out with was older then me, and engaged it still didnt matter. we finally figured it all out and the girl is a really good friend of mine. could it be that the younger girl in your story could just be the same? im the type that needs a good variety of encounters in my day, it makes for good conversation with my girlfriend and it just so happens i relate well with this other woman but have NO feelings for her at all. maybe its the same for your man.

 

id like to see you and your boyfriend taking some time to sit down and talk about this stuff, like the other poster it sounds like you two have some communication problems that need to be ironed out PRONTO. if you hadnt explained, tell him about the night you wanted the raincheck. tell him how what he said to you made you feel also, but make sure you dont get into attack mode, a lot of times little sit downs can turn into "you did this. you did that!" sort of shouting matches so be careful about it.

 

best of luck to you!

 

-will

[Worried7]

Hm..sounds like he's being a bit stubborn. He sounds angry b/c you guys never spend enough time together & maybe he suspects you're doing something behind his back and that's why he is so stubborn & upset( Like cheating). You need to sort these things out. Communication is key here. And if he is mature and really does love you, he won't be immature & he will listen. It may take some time though for him to listen to you. People do that sometimes. Also, do something romantic for him[tip: maybe something you've never done before, like a picnic in the park in the evening before the sun sets!]..and set aside some time for him. If talking to him won't work, he will definitly know you mean it when you take action & spend some time with him.This is normal between couples sometimes..don't worry too much. Just take it slow & give him time to believe you. Just make it clear that you love him( and only him), & will always be there for him.

 

I suggest you take him to a picnic in the park during the evening[ this is a great place b/c it's romantic & you can communicate without alot of people there, unlike a movie theatre or crowded restaraunt.] Then once there, say you're very sorry you haven't spent enough time with him, that you love him & explain why you haven't been able to spend time with him recently. He'll be overjoyed. Another Tip: Get champaigne and candles. Make sure to bring his favorite dessert. But most of all, get your relationship back on track.

 

I know this sounds like something you'd read in Cosmopolitan or something[well, there isn't a thing wrong with that magazine anyways!] but this could really really help you guys out..and if not & you feel like you've waited enough, you deserve better hun! But i really feel he is a good guy, he just got a misunderstanding. As for now, Go relax somewhere & just clear your mind. Everything will be okay. You are 50% of this relationship anyways.

 

I hope I helped, get back to me with how it goes!

 

Love, Worried7

[Lovegod]

id like to see you and your boyfriend taking some time to sit down and talk about this stuff,

I believe the lady has said that she's tried chatting with him, and he just keeps closing up and avoiding the whole thing. Although he's a grown man, he's acting like a goddam child. Obviously, our friend temptris33 wears the pants in this relationship, or he wouldn't be such a wussy when his woman confronted him about a problem. Poor little baby's afraid of a cute lady!

I'd say ditch him if he's gonna act like a wimp and a suck when it comes to your relationship.

[temptris33]

Oh...no don't get me wrong. He has friends that are girls. I'm okay with that. They talk on the phone on occasion. I just don't know why this one girl irks me. I haven't been rude about it. I've handled it pretty well. I didn't chew him a new a** or anything. I just didn't know if I should say something about it or let it go. This girl never spent so much time with him one on one before. That might be why it bugs me.

 

As for the picnic thing. That sounds like it would be really nice. Except that I would feel like I am forcing myself on him. I tried talking to him when I called him but he doesn't want to talk...he says that he just wants to sleep. He doesn't want to talk about anything. He's just rude about it. So, I think I would look like an A** if I showed up on his door step with a picnic basket. Sounds great and all, but that wouldn't work. I'd look like a desperate whimp. I just don't know how to make sense out of all my feelings. Im confused. He said he loves me dearly but wants simplicity in his life. That was the only 1/2 respectful thing he said last night on the phone. I guess if I received more QUALITY time with him and thought I was some what of a priority on his list than maybe i wouldn't feel so insecure about this girl thing. She's actually getting, hands down, more time with him. One on One. Like I'd like. Maybe that's why. I don't know. SHould I just not call him or text him or whatever until he calls me, but yet still considered being together with him? I'm going out with my girlfriend tonight. I just can't stay home. If I do, then I'd call later tonight. God I love you guys! You really help.

[temptris33]

oh yeah. He also at one time referred to her as "a hot 17 year old". Thats another time when he and his sister and this girl went to the mall about an hour away.....about a year ago. Might have been a harmless sentence from him, but I remembered that. That's another reason I get a little miffed.

[Worried7]

Oh...no don't get me wrong. He has friends that are girls. I'm okay with that. They talk on the phone on occasion. I just don't know why this one girl irks me. I haven't been rude about it. I've handled it pretty well. I didn't chew him a new a** or anything. I just didn't know if I should say something about it or let it go. This girl never spent so much time with him one on one before. That might be why it bugs me.

 

As for the picnic thing. That sounds like it would be really nice. Except that I would feel like I am forcing myself on him. I tried talking to him when I called him but he doesn't want to talk...he says that he just wants to sleep. He doesn't want to talk about anything. He's just rude about it. So, I think I would look like an A** if I showed up on his door step with a picnic basket. Sounds great and all, but that wouldn't work. I'd look like a desperate whimp. I just don't know how to make sense out of all my feelings. Im confused. He said he loves me dearly but wants simplicity in his life. That was the only 1/2 respectful thing he said last night on the phone. I guess if I received more QUALITY time with him and thought I was some what of a priority on his list than maybe i wouldn't feel so insecure about this girl thing. She's actually getting, hands down, more time with him. One on One. Like I'd like. Maybe that's why. I don't know. SHould I just not call him or text him or whatever until he calls me, but yet still considered being together with him? I'm going out with my girlfriend tonight. I just can't stay home. If I do, then I'd call later tonight. God I love you guys! You really help.

 

No Problem. But maybe you should be a bit like that(i.e.look a bit desperate. He'll know you want him back). He'll realize you want to prove your point that you love him & You're going to extremes to do it. It can't hurt to try, right? What do you have to lose? I think he would love it. Just be like hey come with me, baby Im going to take you somewhere..then drive him there.

haha and you don't have to do it but I just think it would really make him think twice about how you are, and that he had a misunderstanding.

Yea, go out with your girlfriend & have some fun. I just hope that if you tell him that, he doesn't get even more insecure. You need to have your fun, I just don't want him to get the wrong idea. And that's not your fault. He is acting like a child, in my opinion, but it's all b/c he misunderstood & don't we all do that sometimes & act stubborn. I know I do & so has my boyfriend. We nearly broke up over it once, but talked it out and things started looking up.

 

Good luck to you, and just go for it. I don't think you'll regret it at all. Another thing, don't be nervous, or act sad or angry. Just be cheerful towards him while you're on your little date..and say things to him that you used to, or bring back old memories that will make it clear to him what he may be losing. Kiss him..hold him. Just love him. And if he still is an ass, maybe you should call it quits.

Oh and by the way..I think he is just talkign about this girl to make you jealous. He loves you, right? And he wouldn't do that to you if he does. He's just once again being stubborn.

 

The only thing i would reconsider is going out with your girlfriend. He might get angry and think you're doing something again. And don't get me wrong, you totally deserve some fun. Maybe you should try to get your relationship back on track first though? Maybe she can just come out to your house & you can have a good time there.

 

This is all up to you. Do what you think is right..and don't be afraid to take risks, otherwise you may still be where you are right now. Taking chances may get you out of a rut.Ask yourself: what are your priorites. Do you want this relationship? Try a bit to fix it. And it's not your fault if it doesn't work out b/c you tried!

 

Keep in touch,

Luv,

Worried7

[Lovegod]

Worried7, you said:

Yea, go out with your girlfriend & have some fun.

and then said:

The only thing i would reconsider is going out with your girlfriend. He might get angry and think you're doing something again.

How can anyone take this seriously? You're going in circles.

The final thing I'm going to tell temptris is, THERE IS LIFE AFTER MEN.

 

 

....and what the hell is with this bunny smiley?

[temptris33]

When I asked him if I could come up Fri night (tonight) he was quiet for a little bit and then said "whatever you want". If he doesn't make it sound like he even wants me to be up there then the last thing that I would want to do it show up. I want to go out with my friend because I don't want to sit home dwelling on him. If I stay home I will consume my night with this board and fight calling him. Then again, I don't want to look like I'm playing the field and piss him off...YEESH! I don't know. Now you have me thinking that I should go up there with some food and take him somewhere. We live in the sticks so there's not much up here that doesn't include weeds. He'd probably say that he's tired cuz he'll be working until late. Maybe I should just wait and see if he calls me. Give him some space. Last night when i talked to him (or tried) he said "he wrote down all the good and bad things in our relationship and he's just waying and balancing everything". ???

[temptris33]

Okay. I told you that I'd give in if I stayed in. I sent him a text saying " I'm trying to leave you alone but wanted you to know that I miss you and if there is anything that I can do to make it up to you for turning you away the other night then let me know. I just love you and want to be with you".

 

Was that a mistake? God. I hope I didn't sound desperate. I'd love to do the park thing, but he wont be done tonight til about 9 and has to get up super uper early for work. I DONT KNOW. I think I'll make a drink and think about it!!! WRITE BACK

[Lovegod]

Was that a mistake? God. I hope I didn't sound desperate.

 

Men who actually LIKE their women don't care how desperate you are. He's likely:

 

1) Written you off

2) REALLY pissed off at you.

 

I'm voting for #1 since he doesn't wanna work anything out. He probably wants you to just fade into the past.

 

Sorry Miss, sometimes being blunt sucks.

[temptris33]

ok. Last night I drove up there. I mentioned to him when we talked on the phone that one time that I would come up. He said "if I wanted". Ok. Well, I stuck to that and I did. He was in bed with an infection in his finger and a fever. I just went in, layed next to him and didn't bring anything up. I hung out for a few minutes and because he was so tired I told him that I would leave him and let him sleep. He said ok. I asked for a quick kiss and said I love you. He paused for a cple seconds and said love you too. I left and on the way home I left him a msg on his cell and told him that I was sorry if I hurt his feelings in any way the other night by turning him away and if there was anything I could do to help him with work or whatever I would do it. I also said that I loved him very much and just wanted things to be right with us.

 

I'm leaving it at that. I put myself out there and now the ball is in his court. I don't think that I should call him anymore or anything. If he's mad then so be it. Do you think I screwed up by doing all this?

[Worried7]

ok. Last night I drove up there. I mentioned to him when we talked on the phone that one time that I would come up. He said "if I wanted". Ok. Well, I stuck to that and I did. He was in bed with an infection in his finger and a fever. I just went in, layed next to him and didn't bring anything up. I hung out for a few minutes and because he was so tired I told him that I would leave him and let him sleep. He said ok. I asked for a quick kiss and said I love you. He paused for a cple seconds and said love you too. I left and on the way home I left him a msg on his cell and told him that I was sorry if I hurt his feelings in any way the other night by turning him away and if there was anything I could do to help him with work or whatever I would do it. I also said that I loved him very much and just wanted things to be right with us.

 

I'm leaving it at that. I put myself out there and now the ball is in his court. I don't think that I should call him anymore or anything. If he's mad then so be it. Do you think I screwed up by doing all this?

 

 

Is he always like this? I took your post as this is a one time thing. If he is always a stubborn-ass, that's a different story.If that is the situation, that changes everything. You probably shouldn't be together.Also, how old are you & how old is he?

How long have u been together?

 

But if it is just a one time thing, then yes, everything you did should go smoothly & if he still is an a**h***, break it off.

[temptris33]

It seems like when we do argue he has to "reconsider" the relationship and I ask him if we are together he says "I don't know" . That's how it's went the last couple times. We don't argue alot. It seems that whenever I bring up something negative towards him he just can't accept it and goes into this stubborn mode. This last time was a little different. He knows that our thing is to call eachother every night before bed because we don't talk during the day cuz we're so busy. So, with this last incident and not calling me and telling me he wasn't going to call me..( I called him remember) was a little different. When we talked on the phone that one time he said "I love you dearly but am waying and balancing things". It just seemed a little extreme given the nature of the arguement. He is 28 and I am 38. We've been together for almost three years.

 

It really hurt MY feelings when I showed up at his house and he had been sick with the infection in his finger. he went to the hospital and everything. He never called to tell me. I didn't mention this to him of course cuz he was laying there with a fever and such. It doesn't take much to pick up the phone. Maybe I'm wrong on that too. I just felt like "hey Im your girlfriend why don't you include me".

 

I did call him this morning just to check on him. He was driving to a job. I made it brief. I just asked about his finger and how he was feeling. I said to have a good day and he said you too. i didn't say I love u or anything like that. I don't know. I love him like I have never loved another. Is that stupid? What should the next step be?

[justagirliegirl]

I temptris I think you mean well by what you are doing but you are setting yourself up to have your buttons pushed and be manipulated by him and he is already doing it.

 

You get into an argument and he says he wants to rethink the relationship which makes you panic and back down. He knows this works to get his way so he will keep doing it.

 

Honestly, the next move is to back way off. You are almost chasing him right now. You said your piece, you tried to make amends. You went over there when he didn't seem to care if you went there or not. It is time to stop and let him come to you. Get busy with your life and stop contacting him and give him a chance to miss you.

 

He has to learn that you aren't going to be at his beck and call anymore.

[temptris33]

Ok. that's been in the back of my mind and that's what I've been afraid of being seen as. Thank you. I did put myself out there and let it be known how I felt. I'm not going to call him anymore or anything. The hardest part will be today. When I had left I said "talk tomorrow"? He said yes. We'll see. I am the kind of person that needs some kind of closure though. If it's over then it's over. Just tell me. Simple as that. He's always said that if he wanted to see other people he'd tell me first and if he didn't want to see me anymore he'd tell me. So, that's what I'm waiting for. I guess we're together by our one phone call, but I'm not even sure about that one. Hmm

[temptris33]

ok. I've cleaned out my closet, washed my car and cleaned up my house. I am so consumed with thoughts about this. It's making me sick. I want to call him so bad but I know that would be wrong.

[AriaIncognito]

Try your best not to call him. If you're important to him, he'll call you. One thing about this thread has bothered me though, and you probably won't like what I am going to say, but here goes.

 

Usually (in my experience anyway), when a woman has a "bad feeling" about another person, it's usually justified. That whole intuition thing. If your intuition is usually spot on, I'd take a step back and take a look. My intuition is pretty strong and I can sense things pretty early on. Whether or not I make decisions based on them is another thing, but going against my intuition has never gotten me anywhere. I went against it in my last relationship pf a year and well, after all was said and done, my intuition was right. He wasn't the one for me. I knew it the whole time, but tried to convince myself he still could be, because he was a nice person and treated me well.

 

It's quite possible that if you're feeling odd because of their friendship, that there's just cause. He's dating someone 10 years older than him, so well, what's to stop him from going 10 years younger. She's legal.

 

I hope for your sake that you can come to a happy conclusion, whatever that may be.

 

Good luck to you. :-)

 

Jennifer

[temptris33]

I don't know if I'm about to make sense but here goes. My gut tells me nothings going on, but my insecurities tell me otherwise. Does that make sense? I really honestly don't think there's anything but you're right, you never know. I think he would tell me. At least that's what he said he would do. I don't think I'm as upset about that entire thing anymore as I am about the treating me with such disregard. He says that he loves me dearly but is being a complete bastard. Yeah I kind of think that he isn't the one for me because how much s*** can one person take from another. It's like it's ok for him to go about his day as he pleases and bla bla bla but the minute that I fall of the earth for a few hours he calls my parents, my cell and all that. Yet I can't ask anyone about him or I am "grilling" them. "anyone" usually consists of his sister. I am always available on my cell for him. Very rare that I'm not. He is usually never easy to get a hold of. The night when I called him he said he's just not going to make the effort anymore. The "effort" consisted of coming down to my house once or twice a week. Which is only 10 minutes. I have a comfortable place and I have kids so going up there to stay isn't possible unless my kids are gone for the weekend. He lives in a small space above the shop. It doesn't have a bathroom or kitchen. Just a small room. THe bath is downstairs (going outside) into the office. So, it's not like he has a cozy little place to visit although I have. So, that's his effort. Any other effort that he might think he's doing I just don't know what that is. Does "effort" include a dinner here and there? Never gotten any flowers in three years. He's always consumed with work. That never changes. He said that night also that hes going to work and not let anything come between him and making money anymore. i asked him what he meant...he said "me". I took him away from making money. HA HA How in the hell? One night a week (after work) and usually Friday nights (after work) then he'd leave Sat for work and come back Sat night (after work) and spend most of Sunday with me doing nothing. Sunday is his usual day off. We spend it doing nothing. Hangin at my house watching tv. See what I am dealing with? Enlighten me some more because your comments are really helping me. I can see that he does have a lot of growing up to do with relationships. He's not experienced with them as much. I keep thinking to myself "ok just a year more and things might change" he might start growing up. I just can't believe that all this is coming out of me wanting some alone time and telling him so. There have been so many times that he has said "ok, I'm having one beer with my friend and I will be right down" and hasn't shown til 11:30 pm (hours later) there have been a few times like that where I have been blown off with not even a phone call to say hey things changed and I'm gonna hang out longer...nothing. I was mad, and I told him and I stuck with him. there were a few times he showed up at 2 in the morning or later sometimes completely drunk, throwing up and telling me how much he loved me as he was barfing in my toilet. i stuck with him. One time we were having problems again and he kind of put me on the back burner. he went out with his sister and his best friend and bar hopped downtown. He called me at 2 am and said he was diched and piss drunk and needed a ride. i went and got him and took his ass to his house. He thought I was taking him home with me. I got him upstairs, undressed and tucked in and left. So, you see, I've put up with my share instead of giving up on him. When things get rough I stick it through. When I get mad at him, it's a different story. I'm just so bummed and hurt and mad and confused. I'm sorry that I keep going on but it really helps when I can vent. You guys really help me out.

[temptris33]

ok. This really sucks. I've kept busy all day. Now I'm down time. I'm crying like an idiot. I love this jerk so much it hurts and I have never loved anyone like this....whew. No call yet. I am worth a simple thing like a phone call! Jeeze. If he's not "that into me" then why can't he just call me and tell me after three years. This is so freakn painful!