"Just Friends" working for anyone?

[dontbfooled]

I am curious to know if any of the OW have been able to successfully be "just friends" with their MM. I am asking because I'd like to gain some insight on what I can expect, for this is the decision that I recently made. We are best friends and tell eachother everything more or less and confide in one another, so I do not want to give that up nor do I want to not have him in my life. I just cannot be the OW anymore, for I want to move on and find the real man of my dreams who I could someday marry and have a family of my own with.

 

So... I'm asking those that have been able to successfully make this happen for their advice and what worked for them. Thanks in advance!

[whichwayisup]

You can't be friends with someone having having an affair with them, just like a single couple who breaks-up cannot have a friendship. Atleast not for a long time and until all the feelings are gone. You two care about eachother, and seeing eachother minus the sex part will STILL be an affair - An emotional one.

 

He'll hold you back still from finding love in your life.

 

Also, at some point in time, when you DO meet someone, you won't want to confide in your MM anymore. It wouldn't be right and the guy you'd be with probably wouldn't appreciate it either. ... Though, I think you'd detach and realize that the MM will be a part of your past as time goes on. That is, IF you want to move past all this.

[dontbfooled]

That's what I was afraid of!!!

 

I always thought I would end the A as soon as I found someone I could be with for real. But then I can't find that person if I am still with him... and I go in circles and it's a Catch 22.

 

THIS SUCKS.

[whichwayisup]

The only way to get over him is to end it completely. No contact! Meaning, no calls, no seeing him, emailing him - NOTHING. Your heart won't allow you to fall for anybody else if he's still in your life - In the affair or even being his friend.

 

I'm sure ending it will be very hard for you, but if you want to be married someday and have children, staying with this MM is NOT going to help. And I think I don't need to tell you, he isn't going to leave his wife.

 

I do hope you find the strength to end it.

[Blind Illusion]

Which answer do you want: I try and come with a wide array of choices:

 

From Column A: The Theoretic Answer: yes, in theory, this should be possible. Romance and friendship are two distinct realms and should be treated as such. Why throw out the baby with the bath water?

From Column B: What I tell Myself: It's so difficult getting rid of MM when I am tossing the friendship too. Why not just keep that good part to help you make the break eventually in your heart. Even if he is in your life just in a limited way, the void won't be as bad. Besides, its the friendship that made me fall in love with him in the first place.

From Column C: The Reality:or What I know, Deep down: No, it's not really possible. At least not right away but possibly not at all. So long as you feel anything for him, you will always be analyzing every conversation for some vestige of romantic intention. He might even stand in the way of meeting someone else because no one will compare.

[dontbfooled]

You are so right... Unfortunately, everything you said made sense. It just hit me how hard this is going to be. Now I am getting really scared and sad...

[Jessie61]

I am curious to know if any of the OW have been able to successfully be "just friends" with their MM. I am asking because I'd like to gain some insight on what I can expect, for this is the decision that I recently made. We are best friends and tell eachother everything more or less and confide in one another, so I do not want to give that up nor do I want to not have him in my life. I just cannot be the OW anymore, for I want to move on and find the real man of my dreams who I could someday marry and have a family of my own with.

 

So... I'm asking those that have been able to successfully make this happen for their advice and what worked for them. Thanks in advance!

 

DBF,

 

I am actually the expert in staying friends with boyfriends after a break up, both where I have dumped and been dumped myself. The process of going from romance to friendship would normally only take a couple of months.

 

I am actually very good friends with my most significant ex AND his wife! I would meet my ex's for coffees, watch some match or just chat on the phone. We even talk about our respective romances and it is all good fun!

 

BUT for some reason I could NEVER be friends with my MM after the A. I have dumped him many times. I have always felt sick at the thought of staying friends. In fact, I don't think I have even entertained the idea, but now since you're asking........

 

I don't know why MM is the exception to the rule, I just don't waste time worrying about it; I feel the way I feel.

[Sami_D]

Jessie I'm the same.

 

I'm even living with one of my exes... that's how good friends we are!

 

But I couldn't ever be 'just friends' with MM... I love him too deeply, want him too much. I would always be looking for something more, and it would put me off finding someone else in many ways.

 

I have to say, however, after 31 days of NC... I don't think that NC takes away the feelings of love for someone. Just like you could always get back with an ex you 'never got over'... there is always going to be, in the back of my mind, this love for this person that was never resolved.

 

NC isn't a magic cure-all memory-wiper. I will always compare every man to him, and he will always remain there in my mind. That's a killer.

[movinon05]

DBf,

 

Now I want you to go back and read your other post. Not because I want you to get angry, but I want you to see what kind of person (you have described) that you want for a friend.

 

And then I want you to go out into the world and find your real friend.

 

Easier said than done, I know. But rereading our prior thoughts sometimes helps. You deserve more. We all do. Its best to move on and not worry about MM as a friend. Plenty of people in this world to be your friends.

[hokitika1246]

this insight is going to reiterate most of what the others said, but here's my $0.02 on this--

 

never say never, but... i think an ex-OW and a MM can almost never be friends-- real friends, just friends. what attracted you will still be there and you'll catch yourself thinking about him in "that way" because it will be really easy. it's the way you operated for so long. IMHO, it's an easy start down the slippery slope of being right back in the relationship. how long can you be expected to keep your resolve up? sami is right, NC doesn't wipe your memory clean but if he's not in your presence when you start to have flashbacks or periods of missing him, you have to find other ways of easing the pain. but if you start feeling this way and he's sitting right in front of you, look out!

 

and, continuing a friendship with him will definitely keep you from falling in love with someone else. first, look at how you'd spend your time. you might not be free enough to meet someone else and let him into your life. but also, your heart would still be at least partly with him, which means it can't be completely with someone else. the easiest way to move on is to start the grief process and just get through it-- it sucks though!!

 

this isn't the universal but in some cases this might happen-- the OW realizes through her own healing that the MM is really a liar, and selfish, and deceptive, and kind of shallow (because no one gets the whole of him) etc. etc. etc. or whatever else the truth is, and she realizes she doesn't want him anymore and the desire to be his friend, wihch was really just an excuse to keep him around so she doesn't have to grieve the loss, is gone. she realizes she needs better quality people in her life than this.

 

this is what happened to me when i was inthe situation. but i'm NOT saying this is where you are, especially the way you decribe your friendship and connection.

 

good luck. and i'm so sorry for the pain you have to feel! truly.

[rossm]

To me, it sounds like you are more than just friends, it sounds like you are still having an EA.

 

I myself wondered the same thing as you. And like BI said, theoretically, it makes sense. But, it sounds like the feelings are still there, and unless you can compartmentalize (or better yet, erase) those feelings - which can be extremely difficult, if not impossible, being just friends is nearly impossible.

 

The ladies here have a lot of great advice. They've been there. Listen to what they say. But ultimately, you need to make your own decision. Personally, I think that if you try to be just friends, it will hold you back from your goals of finding somebody else.

 

There is also a pretty good book you can check out on the subject - either buy it or get it at the library - NOT "Just Friends" by Glass.