Guest Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 Alright, so here I am, found this site by Google-very glad I did. I have been fighting with this for a while now, and reading the posts (took me a few days) have helped me make a very important decision... Alright, here goes: I met him in Kuwait (obviously I am in the military, and so is he) and no spark, no nothing, just talking about where we were going next and where we were from (our hometowns are the same) and stuff, nothing sexual at all. He wasn't even my type. I get to where I am going, and guess who is there, sleeping not even 20 feet from where I did. So, since we knew each other, we started hanging out, eating dinner together, as friends. I don't exactly know how it happened, but it was literally like this: one minute it was totally innocent fun, joking around and then everything got intense, and I got the vibe. I knew exactly what he wanted from me, he didn't even have to say it, it was right there in his eyes, but I knew he was married, so I told myself no, would not go there. I don't want to make excuses, or condone what I did, but being in Iraq, away from everything you know, and everyone you know, and people dying around you can really rock you too the core. I needed to know that someone there understood what I was going through, and we could be each others' "rock" in a way. It took 4 months of being there, around him every single day, falling for him, but not knowing how to stop it. He was falling for me as well (or so he says). The first time was about 2 weeks after a friend of mine died (well, was killed) and I don't know what happened, why I did it, and why I continued to do it for an entire year, I just know that I did it, and I felt bad everytime, I didn't want to even know his wife EXISTED, but I did, and I do. Everytime it happened, we got closer, and the sex was awesome, a great stress relief (that's what I told myself it was in the beginning) the best I have ever had, but the more it happened, the deeper I fell in love with him, I kept quiet about it until one day, I told him EVERYTHING that was on my mind. He told me "I'm not gonna say I don't have feelings for you, but I'm staying with my wife" I can say he was up front and honest to me about that, and I guess that whole "oh, gosh he's so faithful to his wife, I want someone like that" got into my head, I don't really know. We get back here, and we hang out, he tells me shes crazy, he's not happy, his priorities changed, pretty much the lines I have read in here, on these posts. Called me when he KNEW I was trying to be with someone else, "just to tell me he missed me, and loved me" and I believed it. The last time we were together was last weekend, but something in me was off, the guilt, I guess got to me a little more that time, or something, and I googled relationship stuff and here I am. I was looking for hidden meanings about things, and I found this; coincidence? Maybe. But I believe in fate, and I believe everything happens for a reason (what ours was, I have no idea), which is why have made the desicion to stop this. I will try the friends thing, cause we are good friends, but we took it too far. I refuse to fill that void in him, because it leaves a void in me. Thanks for all the great posts, thanks for giving me this strength, and thanks for letting me know that I'm not the only one out here. Wish me luck!
movinon05 Posted May 26, 2006 Posted May 26, 2006 It seems to me there is a lot going on here and I'm only guessing. But having what you both went through in Iraq, and now having to come home and face reality, it has to be very emotionally difficult. He was clear about his W over there and perhaps because she was his link to the outside world. And it kind of became an acceptable thing to find solace with someone else while you were over there dealing with all of the death, etc. Now he's back to dealing with reality. And so are you. I would think he needs time with his W (and children?) to reprogram back into civilian life. I have no idea. I don't know what its like to be over there surrounded by all of that. I'm only guessing. Its probably best if you adjust yourself as well to being back home and take time for yourself to readjust. So, how long have you both been home? And, btw, welcome home! I'm glad you're here.
Guest Posted May 28, 2006 Posted May 28, 2006 It seems to me there is a lot going on here and I'm only guessing. But having what you both went through in Iraq, and now having to come home and face reality, it has to be very emotionally difficult. He was clear about his W over there and perhaps because she was his link to the outside world. And it kind of became an acceptable thing to find solace with someone else while you were over there dealing with all of the death, etc. Now he's back to dealing with reality. And so are you. I would think he needs time with his W (and children?) to reprogram back into civilian life. I have no idea. I don't know what its like to be over there surrounded by all of that. I'm only guessing. Its probably best if you adjust yourself as well to being back home and take time for yourself to readjust. So, how long have you both been home? And, btw, welcome home! I'm glad you're here. yes, we are both back, in the same state, not in the same city about 4 hours away from each other. our original cities (before the military) are closer (like 20 minutes away from each other). we both are going to end up there by the end of this year (we joined the military about the same time, and are getting out at the same time). He has no children, he's been married for 3 years, away from his W for almost 2 of them (not consecutively though). we have both been back since January. readjusting is really hard, cause you get used to a certain way of life and certain people over there, and you are thrown back into your normal life-it can be hard to adjust back to it.
movinon05 Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 Well if you truly feel that you don't want to be the void in his life, then you need to try to go on with your life. Are you still able to do that? Or are you up in the air? Being in a situation like this makes your mind change everyday, which is why I'm asking now. I think he really does have to give his M a go. After all, its not like he's been with his W for the full 3 years. Its early in the M and they need to rediscover each other as well. Its too bad for him if he doesn't like that you go out with someone else. That's a very selfish thing MMs do, while they are home sleeping with their own Ws. I know its hard, believe me. But give yourself and him time to acclimate back to civilian life. And NC will help you do that, if you give it a chance. I'm sure you don't want to waste time and years on something that will probably not happen. He's 4 hours away now. You should get out now before you're within 20 minutes of him.
Guest Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 Well if you truly feel that you don't want to be the void in his life, then you need to try to go on with your life. Are you still able to do that? Or are you up in the air? Being in a situation like this makes your mind change everyday, which is why I'm asking now... ...Its too bad for him if he doesn't like that you go out with someone else. That's a very selfish thing MMs do, while they are home sleeping with their own Ws... Thats just it...I keep going back and forth in my mind. I KNOW in my head it's right to stop it, but in my heart it doesn't feel right. It's not right that he gets jealous of the other guys in my life, because he IS sleeping with her, even if he isn't having sex with her. I want him to stay my friend after this is all said and done, but I was reading another post that said it was almost impossible to stay friends after an A, but we were friends 1st, and given what we have went through together, is it possible for us to be the exception? Question...has anyone ever met the W and found what the MM said about her to be true? Cause, to me, what he says sounds like what all the other MM say on here, but if he is truthful in what he says, how do you know for sure? This situation sucks...never been here, never want to be here (in this situation) again.
Bad_Monkey25 Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 (Alright, so I decided to just go ahead and become a member....) I'm not completly sure that I am ready to just go on with my life. My mind says all of this is WRONG WRONG WRONG, but my heart keeps saying it's RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT...I'm torn. It drives me up the wall when he gets all jealous about other guys in my life, but it's like this, don't ask me how things are and expect me not to tell you. The 1st time he did it, I was at a club with my girls, talking to this guy I kinda liked, and I got a text from MM. Stupid me called him (isn't that called drunk-dialing?) and after we got off the phone, I was outside with the guy from earlier that night, had been chatting, and stuff with him and MM calls again and says he wanted to call and tell me he loved and missed me. I obviously couldn't just say it back, cause the new guy was right there! and did I mention that this was the 1st time he actually said the L word to me? I mean sure typing in an email is one thing, but actually saying it...totally different. I left the club at about 12:30 and the calls didn't stop till 2 in the morning. He seems to do it when he knows I'm out with someone else...do they have a radar for that stuff or something? Here lately, he's done it less, but still when I am with someone. or out having a good time, without him on my mind for once. But he says he's not jealous...but why when I tell him I am with someone, he calls me more? Don't know, but i think I got off the subject here...I got used to a certain way of life over there, and I guess I expected it to stay the same here. I had him all to myself (to a certain extent) over there, but now I don't. I got used to seeing him every day, but now I don't. NC is something I don't want to do, cause I still want him as my friend, cause we were friends 1st. But is that truly impossible? I was reading some other posts talking about that and they all said it is just about impossible to stay friends with MM after the A. But, with all we have went through together in Iraq, could we be the exception? I'm tired of over analyzing everything...just need some real input outside of my circle (cause they are all either M or in the military). I get "what would you do if it was me as the W?" from the married friends, and Military friends say what happens if he deploys again? He could do the same to you. And all of this is in my head, it's spinning...MM says I am the 1st since his wife, I believe it (but really, what OW doesn't believe what the MM is saying to them even if it is b*llsh*t). And how do you know if what they say is for real? He talks about wanting honesty from me but how do I know if that's what I am getting from him? Ok, I'm rambling...but this all is such a sticky situation. Never felt like this with anyone else, even though he is M, never done this with a (knowingly) MM. He's the 1st (and last) and I don't know why I am holding on so tight...
Bad_Monkey25 Posted June 4, 2006 Posted June 4, 2006 Alright, so I told him all this stuff, in an email...how I couldn't be on this rollercoaster anymore, and I have decided not to answer the phone or anything when he tries to contact me...boy, it's gonna be hard, so I need some kind of guidance on this stuff, advice, whatever. SOMEthing...my head is all screwed up.
movinon05 Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 Well first of all, you really have to try to stick to NC. And remember you are doing the right thing! When you get down or get tempted, think of all the reasons why it would be bad to fall back into it. Make a list if you have to to remind yourself. Take one day at a time, go out with others, enjoy your life, and keep yourself busy. Continue reading what others are going through and it will help you to realize what you are up against if you falter. Remember you are both readjusting. And he will most likely start seeing all the qualities in his W that were forgotten while he was away. Stay strong. Think more about yourself and try not to worry too much about what he is going through. Say to yourself, he CAN'T have his cake and eat it too! He has NO RIGHT to expect something of you that he can't or won't give you in return.
Bad_Monkey25 Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 My plan for NC failed, miserably. I ignored 2 phone calls but then caved and we hashed out certain stuff...I'm his 1st A. His wife and him have been having problems way before me. I told him that I would not wait for him, I am going to see other guys, but I won't tell him about them unless it got serious. I think deep down I have to be really ready to let him go...it's alot like quitting smoking, you have to truly want it, and I'm not to that point yet. I want to be, but I'm not. I appreciate but don't want to waste anyone's time on here who are giving me advice, and me not taking it, but I do believe every situation is different. I love him. I can't just shut that off. I am giving him time right now, but if things do not change, I am moving on...I told him all this as well. He doesn't make fast promises to keep me around, like "I'm leaving my wife..."so forth and so-on. So, I am gonna wait till I at least leave the military before I make any serious decision about this.
Bad_Monkey25 Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 The Ultimatum bomb that is. Told him it was friends or lovers, not both. told him if he wants us to be lovers then it was her or me, not both, and to contact me again when he was single. told him I loved him, but couldn't love him like this anymore....in an email. Couldn't wait anymore.....
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