i feel like i'm losing the girl of my dreams...

[Guest]

ok, here's the situation. 2 yrs ago, i confessed my love to the girl of my dreams, and a day later, she did the same. since then, we've gone through so much. when i mean "so much" i mean A LOT. like, helpign her cope with and end forced engagements, friends who claim i'm cheating behind her back, trouble with her parents resenting me and forbidding her to see me (which we never solved. we just see each other behind their backs), and a whole bunch of other things. for 2 yrs we've been together. in that time, i've proposed to her, and she accepted. i love her with all of my heart and soul, and when i proposed, she said she was the happiest girl in the world. everything was just so amazing, and we were so madly in love... the thing is, after i proposed to her, gradually, over 2 months, she's become so distant from me. she's become so busy, and we barely ever talk online or over the phone, and since about a month and a half ago we haven't seen each other or talked in person. (that tends to be difficult in the first place with her parents breathing down her neck.) over this time, she's changed, and now, she feels so distant. i feel like she's slowly drifting away from me, and it tears me apart inside. whenever we see each other in public or anywhere, she hardly ever makes eye contact anymore. whenever i try to draw her closer to me, it seems like she doesn't even hear me. i tried reminding her of our first kiss, our first date, our first time making out, (she never kissed anyone before me, so it was her very first), all the intimate moments we shared, the dreams we used to share, all kinds of things. it just seems like she doesn't even hear me. she just seems to ignore it like i never said anything, and she just talks about what she's busy with, or what events or exams she's got coming up. i feel like she just treats me like i'm her buddy or friend. i tried talking to her cousin about it, but he wasn't much help. every time i try telling her my feelings about us, we end up arguing, or it comes out wrong and we argue. we'll argue, and then we'll make up, and i'll see a glimpse of the girl i used to feel so familiar with and in love with. i'll see glimpses of the girl i proposed to, and then, i'll feel like maybe things will finally go back to the way they were, but they never do. the next day, she reverts to her new self, and i feel so hopeless. it hurts, y'know? she's the girl i used to talk to about running away and getting married with, and starting a family, and living our dreams. now, i feel like i can barely even talk to her without pretending that everything is ok. our three month summer break is coming up in less than a week, and she told me she had a plan that could have us be together for a while every day, but i doubt it'll really happen. (she's got extra classes from 8am-5pm, and i've got part time work from 9am-1pm, then i work night shift.) our anniversary is coming up, and i've asked her if she wants to do anything special, but it's like she didn't even hear me ask in the first place. i've tried to be optimistic about it, thinking that when summer comes, she'll be less busy, and we'll have time to be together, and things will all work out, but it doesn't last long. it'll ;ast for a few days, maybe a week, and then, i'll feel so distant from her, and i'll just start hurting inside. does anybody know what's going on? is there any way i can draw her back to me? will things ever return to the way things were? any advice on how to handle this situation? i've been thinking about breaking up with her, but i haven't made up my mind. i can't stop letting go of the thought that there's still hope. i don't want to lose this girl. she's the girl of my dreams. i'd do anything to keep her and get her back. she hasn't really mentioned breaking up or anything like that, but day by day, i feel like i'm losing her more and more. i've tried changing myself, thinking that maybe i've been doing something wrong, but it doesn't seem to be working. i just don't know what to do. normally, i'm a pretty tough guy. i've been through a lot in my life, and i've dealt with it, but now, every time i think about my relationship with my girl and how i feel, and how things are going, i just wanna break down and cry. i don't wanna live life without this girl. i feel like she's "the one" person i'm meant to be with. i know she still loves me, or at least i think i do, because every time we argue, we both make up, and she hasn't said she wants to leave me, or that things aren't working out. she says she never wants to leave me, and that she loves me more than anything in the world, but at the same time, she feels so distant. i've tried everything i could think of, and nothing seems to work. i was hoping someone out there could offer some help or advice and shed some light on this confusing situation as soon as possible.

[Walk]

That was heart wrenching. Almost made me cry.

 

Have you tried asking her what's going on? There's a possibility that since the engagment she's realized that she's going to have to break the news to her parents at some point and it's causing her to disconnect from everyone. She's basically caught in the middle of what her parents want, what she wants, and what you want. Plus if she's stressed with school, and money, that would compound things.

 

The other real possibility is that she's realizing that she isn't as in love with you as she thought, but maybe doesn't know herself well enough to understand what's going on inside her head. Some of the things you said, like not making eye contact, not acknowledging you, can be signs that someone is no longer interested, and isn't "in" love any more. She sounds as though she cares about you and doesn't want to hurt you, but it might not be "love" for her anymore.

 

Have you tried asking her what's going on in her head? How she's feeling? What's bothering her? Explain the facts as you see them, without giving the emotional aspect, and ask her what's going on. If so, what did she say? Was it different each time?

[Guest]

Move on.

 

It's that exact desperation that made you lose her.

 

You can listen to all the comforting words from other people on this website...but know the truth...

 

That desperation is what made you lose her.

 

Stop being desperate.

 

Respect yourself!

 

So many guys are convinced that there are no other women around.

 

They just look at that one girl.

 

Don't be a little b***h.

 

Move on.

 

You're trying to go for that diamond when there's a basket of pearls at your feet.

 

 

see, my problem isn't getting another girl. i can get any girl any time. i hear girls telling me that i'm cute all the time. girls ask me out all the time when i'm out by myself or with my friends. the fact is, i can be a player, i just don't want to. it's too much of a hassle to find a girl that matches my tastes. either they're drop dead gorgeous and really airheaded, or they have a great personality but i don't find them attractive, or they're just too young. sure, there'a a basket of pearls at my feet, but it's this diamond that i find to be so precious. sure, there's planty of girls out there that i can have, it's just that to me, my girlfriend is the only girl that seems to matter to me. i might sound like b***h, just as you said, but i can't help it. if i could, i would have left her when i found out she was forced into an engagement.

[whichwayisup]

You have afew choices here.

 

1)Be an open book and tell her all your worries/fears and how what she does makes you feel. Get her talking about what is really going on inside her. Even if it hurts you, I think you'd rather KNOW than not know. Not knowing is worse because it lets your mind take over and think worst case senario situations and that is all negative.

 

2)Back off completely and let HER come to you. She WILL notice you not calling or coming by to see her. The less effort you make, the more she may come looking for you. That will be so hard for you, but if you want results, you have to try this approach.

 

Good luck and keep posting your thoughts. It will help you feel better. Venting and getting stuff out is good!

[syndicate96]

see, i've tried telling her my fears and worries, but every time i try, it ends up turning into an argument because she takes it the wrong way or it comes out wrong. i think i'm gonna try to plan a date or something so we can meet face to face, and maybe then, i can explain everything to her in person, and that way, things don't get misunderstood or come out wrong. i'll be able to explain myself. lately, we've only been able to communicate thru e-mail, so it makes everything really tough to explain accurately.

[Walk]

Why don't you attempt to explain on here what your fear is. Say it how you would say it to her. Kind of like a trial run. See if others would take it the wrong way, or if there's a better approach then what you've been trying.

 

If you want.....

 

It might help clarify your thoughts on this though, and possibly help you when you do talk to her about this.

[brucevangeorge]

It would help if you out it in paragraph form. That way more people would read it and the advice would be better.

[brucevangeorge]

You're screwed.

 

You gave yourself on a silver platter to her. She didn't even work to earn your time or your respect.

 

Face it. She's just not that into you anymore. You're not a challenge, you're not a man. You're a lovesick puppydog now. She's just going to kick you to the curb and get a real man. Now I'm not saying she will get some tough, gorilla like brute. Just someone who is better balanced, more of a challenge and has a healthy life. Not someone OBSESSED with her.

 

Seriously. That's creepy.

 

Now I do not know if you can save this. But you must learn from it. Do not make the same mistakes again. Be a man next time and don't just give yourself up. You must be like a (WARNING: CHEESY METAPHOR AHEAD) stallion that is wild, that she tries to tame. Not some lovesick little puppy catering her whims for some love in return (and some Damn good sex.).

 

 

Be a man.

 

Grab your balls. That's why they are there.

 

Be more.

 

 

And for god's sake! Don't be one of those wanna-be, tough guy, macho, mysoginists. Be a man. Not an a**h***.

 

Figure it out.

[syndicate96]

ok. i'll give it a shot.

 

see, it feels like ever since i proposed to you, things haven't been the same. i feel like i'm slowly losing you, like you're slowly drifting away from me. i'm afraid of losing you <her name>. you mean everything to me. i just don't know what happened. ever since after i proposed to you, you've been acting so strange. it feels like i barely know you anymore. every time i ask you how you're doing, or how everything's going with you, you either ignore it, or you give me some vague answer, as if we're just friends or buddies or something. we used to be so open with each other. i try to be as open with you as before, but it's hard when you just seem to not hear a thing i say. i don't know if you're listening to me and pretending i didn't say anything, or if you're purposely trying to avoid me and distance yourself from me. if you don't want me anymore, then just say it. i love you <her name>. i'd rather let you be free to do what you want to do with your life than to hold you back and be a burden to you. i want you to be happy. i talked to <her cousin's name> and he said that maybe you're happier without me. i've barely been involved in your life for almost a month and a half now, and every time i see you with your friends, you seem so happy. ever since you told me you stopped talking about us with your friends and cousins, i felt like maybe you aren't exactly proud of the fact that you have me, or you just want to forget about me. <her name>, i love you. i'd do anything to have you back. i'd do anything to have things return to the way they used to be, back when we were so in love. i try to be positive about everything, and i try to be optimistic, but when i see you at school, or with your friends, you seem so happy and content. your cousin said you seem so happy at school and with your friends. i guess what i'm trying to say is that i'm afraid you don't want me anymore. i'm afraid that you want to distance yourself from me. you've changed, and you've even admitted it. is it because i proposed to you? is it because of something i did? i've tried changing myself, thinking that maybe i was doing something wrong, but it didn't help at all. you just seem to keep drifting away. i don't want to lose you. if there's something on your mind, let me know. i want to know if there's anything bothering you. i'd rather se you happy and free than be burdened with pretending to be in love with me and trying to distance yourself from me. if you want to just be friends, tell me. i'd rather be your friend and be treated like that than be your fiance and be treated like a friend. if something's on your mind, or if something's troubling you, let me know...

 

that's what i want to say to her, but i doubt she'll take it the right way unless i'm right there, saying this in person... i'm kinda feeling like things aren't gonna work out right now though. part of me wants to just end everything with her, but then i don't really know what i'm gonna do after that. i doubt i'll start dating again for a while... like a year or so. i might go out and meet girls, but i doubt i'd want to start dating or get into a relationship for a long while. then, there's the other part of me that says that i should do whatever it takes to salvage this relationship. just don't give up, and keep pushing forward, because it's got us through every other problem we've faced in the past. then, there's a part of me that's thinking that "theplaya" is making a lot of sense with what he's saying... i dunno what to do...

[Solachica]

Better Communication is needed with you two...without the arguments.

Find out whts the underlying problem tht is causing this distance and the arguments.

[Admiral Thrawn]

Move on and find another girl. Girls are expendible, for every girl, there are a lot of others waiting to take her place. If you feel this is the only girl of your dreams, your out, it's only a matter of time before this whole thing dies, so you better just be prepared for the inevitable, because it's going to come. She's bored of you and is probably busy with other guys, who knows, she probably has a secret life you dont know about, that's why she's so distant.

 

You know what you want and it's time to move on. Give her some space, and let her come around to you, meanwhile go after other girls.

[syndicate96]

yeah. a lot of you are making a lot of sense. i think i'm just gonna give her some space, and let her eventually come to me. that'll satisfy the part of me that has hope in this relationship being salvaged. in the mean time, since summer break is coming up, i'll have time on my hands, and so i'll just try picking up girls on the side and dating for a while without getting into a serious relationship. i have the ability to get girls. you guys are right. why waste that ability on a girl who seems to not be interested when i can get any other girl who wants me. i think i'll try going to the pool, the beach, downtown (i live in chicago), maybe to a club or two, and just chill. that way, another part of me is satisfied. when, if ever, my girl comes around and realizes she wants me, i'll be there, and i could just stop dating. if she doesn't come back and we break up, i could just keep dating, meeting girls, and when i find one that matches my tastes exactly, i'll try starting a new relationship. this time, i'll try being harder to get and not just give, but actually take something in return. thanks ppl. i think things are starting to make more sense.

[syndicate96]

yeah, don't stop with the advice though. it'd be a great help if you keep it coming. anybody got any solid ideas for winning her back though? i mean, this is two years of my life going down the drain if things just end. i still love the girl, so if anyone has any advice for winning my girl back, or getting her to take up interest in me again, don't hesitate to speak. it would be nice if i didn't have to search for my dream girl all over again, so yeah, if anyone's got any ideas for getting her to fall in love with me all over again, please share them with me. it would be highly appreciated!

[Walk]

You meant that you'd break the engagement before dating other women, right?

 

I agree with playa and the others that you'll need to stop chasing this girl. It's really touching that you love her so much, and want to be with her. Especially after all the stuff the two of you have gone through. But the way she's treating you right now, isn't right. She may be confused about how she feels. But it sounds to me like she knows what's going on, but refuses to deal with it like an adult. It sounds as if this is how she handles all difficult situations. She wouldn't even confront her parents about the two of you, why would she talk to you about something that is going wrong between the two of you? She runs from difficult situations instead of facing them.

 

I would modifiy what you want to tell her when you do meet up with her.

After i proposed to you, things haven't been the same. You've been acting strange. Every time i ask you how you're doing, or how everything's going with you, you either ignore it, or you give me some vague answer. I don't know if you're listening to me and pretending i didn't say anything, or if you're purposely trying to avoid me and distance yourself from me.

 

I've barely been involved in your life for almost a month and a half now, I felt like maybe you aren't exactly proud of the fact that you have me, or you just want to forget about me.

 

You are distancing yourself from me. you've changed, and you've even admitted it. if there's something on your mind, let me know. i want to know if there's anything bothering you.

Tag on the end that the Two of you can't fix what's wrong if she wont' talk to you.

 

Then don't say another word until you hear what she has to say. She can either attempt to explain how she is feeling/thinking in a rational, calm manner. In which case, the two of you can work together to resolve it. Or she can get defensive, angry, and deny what's going on.

 

If it's the second one, then before she gets into full swing with an argument about why you're wrong. Just tell her you aren't getting what you need from this relationship, you've given her several opportunities to talk to you about what's going on and she has refused... and then end it. Break the engagment, and leave.

 

If you keep telling her over and over that you love her and you will do anything to make her happy, then you're just giving her permission to treat you like crap. She can't even be bothered to talk to you, or answer your questions, yet you're still pledging your undying loyalty and love to her. You need to stand your ground here. You are a person of great worth, and you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. She ignores you, pretends you don't exist, won't even give you the respect of discussing what's going on. She leaves you in the dark to attempt to figure it all out. Has ignored you for nearly 2 months, and gets angry with you if you attempt to talk to her about it. You two are supposed to be engaged, and she treats you worse then she treats a stranger.

 

Don't allow her to do this anymore. She either treats you with respect, or she doesn't have you in her life anymore. No friendship, no contact... clean break and move forward.

 

Also, don't offer the friendship thing. Honestly, it will hurt you far worse and drag out the pain then a clean cut would. At that point she'll know for certain that you are her lackey and she can treat you however she wants without ever losing you. It won't bring her closer to you.

[MTK]

Syndicate96,

Damn, you sound like me honestly. Check my first post on LS about the girl I really loved and how it went down the hole fast.

 

She broke up, I ignored her for a little while/didn't pursue, and she came back within hours. She started drifting apart, I overpursued/smothered/etc. and she left for a new bf.

 

You're taking my approach, don't do it.

 

Take your phone, delete her number. Block her on your IM. Don't respond to her emails unless you absolutely have to! I know a little something about doing a LDR with a girl; hours on AIM, hundreds of pages of emails, hours on the phone everynight. She's playing you like an instrument.

 

But she knows what you're laying on the line for her. You seem like you're pretty clear on that, and unless she's dumb, she knows what you want. It's going to suck to do NC, but if you want any chance with her, start now.

 

I identify a lot with you on this thread. Walk gave you some great advice; definately follow it.

 

Leave the ball in her court. You can't play by yourself, she's got to make a decision. It's like team, you gotta play together, one man can't win the game. You're a man, grow a backbone, and don't let her run over you.

 

Best of luck.

[syndicate96]

hey. yeah, after all the helpful advice you guys have given, i think you all deserve to know how things are going now with me and my girl. well, i had a chance to talk to her, and i basically told her about how i felt about the way she was acting, and i kinda followed walk's advice. this time, she didn't argue and things went well. a few days prior to our talk, she had a feeling something was wrong, and she asked her cousin about what he and i had talked about, and after hearing that, she felt pretty bad about it. last friday she called, and that's when we talked about everything. i guess as of now, things are going to be fine.

 

however, now that things seem to be improving, i'm not going to repeat my mistakes. this time around, i'm not going to spoil her like i did before. see, i knew i was spoiling her, but i kept doing what i did because i thought it would help avoid a bunch of problems. obviously, i was very wrong. so yeah, now, i'm going to be more strict and assertive with her. basically i'm taking bruce's advice and "be a man". if she wants me, she's gonna have to earn me and show me how much she wants me.

 

all in all, things are going pretty well, and hopefully, with a few changes, things should stay this way. i want to thank you all for the advice. you guys were all very helpful. i just wish i could return the favor someday. well, i gotta go for now. once again, thank you all for everything, and i wish you all the best of luck for the rest of your days.

[bumbaclot]

I don't know if anybody said this yet. Too much to read, especially after your non-paragraphed post

 

I have a feeling that you are beeing too needy. Maybe she needs some space, but you are just not giving it to her and it makes her even more stressed.

 

Leave her alone for a big and don't contact and see what happens.