confusedhusband Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 Its been about a week since my last post. In my last post I had suspisions that my wife had feelings for her friend. After confronting her I have learned that she actually did have feelings for him and in fact on one occassion they had kissed. I have decided to forgive my wife but it is not easy. I can't help but think that maybe she did more then kiss him they have been friends for 20 years. This just happens now... Why after all this time.... how does there friendship turn into more... What if this has been happening the whole time... Anyway after reading so many of these posts what I fear most is the emotional side of this affair. She must have some strong feelings for her friend that she could betray me our marriage and risk everything for a kiss. I have asked her why after all these years of being friends with him would this happen what changed? She said she has had a little crush on him for years but never acted on it... I asked her if she had a crush on him before our marriage. She had said maybe a little one but didn't realize it until after we got married. She didn't realize it until he stopped working with her and not seeing him daily she actually missed him. That was 2 1/2 years ago we have been married for three. I asked her if anything had ever happened in the last 2 years she said no just the one kiss last month. I do belive her, but it scares me she has had a crush on him for a couple of years... They didn't even see each other for almost a year. I asked her how could you have feelings for someone you haven't seen in a year. She couldn't explain but she said they just came back as soon as she started spending time with him again. She said the kiss happened one night late when they were walking home from a friends. As far as I know that is the only time they have ever spent any alone time together. That would have been there only oppertunity. I belive that nothing happened prior to the 2 1/2 years ago he is only 23 now and she is 5 years older so he would have been to young. What if its true what if she loves him... I can't compete with that. A kiss is only a kiss but if there is loved involved thats a different story.
whichwayisup Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 Yes, and she loves you too, so don't write yourself out of the picture yet. And you're married to her. HE isn't! I hate to say it, but I think there is more she's not telling you...Out of fear. Your reaction, all the what if I tell him the truth 100% and he leaves me... I honestly think she hasn't "thought" about any of this or the consquences of her actions. Her way of thinking isn't normal - Meaning, she has divided her feelings for two men - She may "feel" more intense about him but that's the hiding of the feelings, the sneaking around. Because of this, and that you know what her feelings are for him, she is scared of losing everything and why open the door even wider to tell you ALL of it. Problem is, you deserve the truth...Even if it hurts you, ends the marriage - Keeping what really happened a secret is doing NO good here. All must come out for you both to heal and work through this to get things good again.
Author confusedhusband Posted May 25, 2006 Author Posted May 25, 2006 What if I belive her. I have asked her over and over. We have had a honest relationship up until this. Im pretty sure she has confessed everything. I think I caught in time before anything else could of happened. We spend so much time together weekends, weeknights. It is very rare that we are away from each other and doing our own things. I don't think she would have had any other oppertunities. I do belive her that it was just a kiss but I also belive that her feelings for him run deep.
jonesgirly Posted May 26, 2006 Posted May 26, 2006 What if its true what if she loves him... I can't compete with that. A kiss is only a kiss but if there is loved involved thats a different story. Yep, you're right. That's why its IMPERATIVE that she be 100% honest with you. The long-term survival rate of marriages without honesty is slim. And I agree with WWIU, she seems to be holding back, based on your possiblereaction (typical behavior). Stand firm with your resolve to have a marriage based on truths, but be prepared for it. The possibilities are endless as far as her actual relationship with this other man, but YOU need to know where YOU stand, as far as what is repairable and what is not. Sometimes just knowing that is very freeing.
corwin Posted May 26, 2006 Posted May 26, 2006 Your wife has to have no further contact with this so-called "friend". They killed the friendship when they developed inappropriate feelings for each other and kissed. I'm sure she'll fight you to keep him in her life, but it's just not possible anymore. Good Luck.
THX2000 Posted May 26, 2006 Posted May 26, 2006 Its been about a week since my last post. In my last post I had suspisions that my wife had feelings for her friend. After confronting her I have learned that she actually did have feelings for him and in fact on one occassion they had kissed. I have decided to forgive my wife but it is not easy. I can't help but think that maybe she did more then kiss him they have been friends for 20 years. This just happens now... Why after all this time.... how does there friendship turn into more... What if this has been happening the whole time... Anyway after reading so many of these posts what I fear most is the emotional side of this affair. She must have some strong feelings for her friend that she could betray me our marriage and risk everything for a kiss. I have asked her why after all these years of being friends with him would this happen what changed? She said she has had a little crush on him for years but never acted on it... I asked her if she had a crush on him before our marriage. She had said maybe a little one but didn't realize it until after we got married. She didn't realize it until he stopped working with her and not seeing him daily she actually missed him. That was 2 1/2 years ago we have been married for three. I asked her if anything had ever happened in the last 2 years she said no just the one kiss last month. I do belive her, but it scares me she has had a crush on him for a couple of years... They didn't even see each other for almost a year. I asked her how could you have feelings for someone you haven't seen in a year. She couldn't explain but she said they just came back as soon as she started spending time with him again. She said the kiss happened one night late when they were walking home from a friends. As far as I know that is the only time they have ever spent any alone time together. That would have been there only oppertunity. I belive that nothing happened prior to the 2 1/2 years ago he is only 23 now and she is 5 years older so he would have been to young. What if its true what if she loves him... I can't compete with that. A kiss is only a kiss but if there is loved involved thats a different story. I hate to break it to you but the chances that they have only "kissed" are pretty slim. I hope that's the truth but it probably isn't. My ex gave me the same song and dance routine revealing only what she had to until I proved she was lying each time. Only then would she confirm the truth when there was no other option but she would still not reveal what I hadn't found out yet until once again she was forced to. There was a website that I checked out called "www.womensinfidelity.com" or something like that and the steps they listed in terms of my ex's (and probably yours) affair were dead on. I know how easy it is to believe the lies because you love this woman and want to hold on to her for dear life but you have to look at this situation with an objective mind. What advice would you give a friend if he was in your shoes? Think about it and take your time with the way you handle this.
NoIDidn't Posted June 3, 2006 Posted June 3, 2006 What if I belive her. I have asked her over and over. We have had a honest relationship up until this. Im pretty sure she has confessed everything. I think I caught in time before anything else could of happened. We spend so much time together weekends, weeknights. It is very rare that we are away from each other and doing our own things. I don't think she would have had any other oppertunities. I do belive her that it was just a kiss but I also belive that her feelings for him run deep. Then go with your gut and don't let the suggestions that she is lying about it only being a kiss. It still hurts. If this guy was her friend since childhood there is a very good chance that the kiss is all that there was because they realized that they didn't want to lose their friendship if they took it all the way. And if she does love him, that still doesn't mean that she can't stop loving him. She has had a crush on him for years and finally had the opportunity to act on it after she married you. Don't criticize him too much right now as it will only make her angry with you, but what kind of man goes after a married woman when he has had the opportunity to be with her for years and never acted on it? A coward. I have dealt with many like that since my childhood years, and just the fact that I felt so disrespected by them ended the friendship. She will be reluctant to give up on this friendship. Take your time with her, let her grieve her loss of her friend and friendship, and don't do anything rash. People on these forums are quick to say leave, but may do the exact opposite themselves. You may indeed leave *eventually* but give her the chance to prove herself committed to your relationship. I believe that it was only a kiss. Typical of Emotional Affairs (EA). My H had one and while he still works with his GF (I jokingly call her that), it is purely business as the fallout was too great for her - and would have cost him his/our family. Check out this book if you can: Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. HTH (((((confusedhusband)))))
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