logan Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 I have been having an emotional affair with someone for over a year and it has crossed some lines just not the BIG line. My S.O. has found out that some of our conversations has been about more than friend/business things and has ordered it to stop. I have discussed this with the other person and we have decided to not contact one another for awhile (they are married as well). I am now trying to cope with missing the daily conversations. I am missing this person terribly. How can I deal with not talking with this person. Any help would be so greatly appreciated. I have been married for 18 years (happily, I thought) so when I found myself enjoying this relationship I feel that I am a terrible person. Now that I have decided to end it I know that it is for the best but I can't get this lost feeling to end.
Touche Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 What are you asking exactly? Are you asking about how to get that lost feeling to stop? It will in time. Re-focus your attention on your husband instead.
Author logan Posted May 25, 2006 Author Posted May 25, 2006 I guess that is the hardest thing. I really never stopped focusing on my husband. However, I did and do think of the other person as well. A friend told me that it is possible to have feelings for more than one person. I know that I need space and time but I will be running into this other person. We live in a very small town/village, only 2 blocks from each other. He is involved in my work and we are on committees together. I just find myself going through the day and not being able to focus because I miss the conversations and connection. I do, believe it or not, love my husband. There is not one thing about my husband that should cause me to find comfort of any kind with someone else. But I do find this sort of connection and chemistry with this other person that I am not sure will go away!!
Touche Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 I believe you love your husband. Believe me, I'm not judging you. I think if you make up your mind to stop thinking so much about him you CAN. But it doesn't sound like you really want to...and that's a dangerous thing being that he's around you so much. You MUST train your mind, change your thought patterns or you really could be in danger of REALLY crossing the line.
jonesgirly Posted May 26, 2006 Posted May 26, 2006 Yeh..you can have 'feelings' for more than one person, but the person you married should have your most SIGNIFICANT 'feelings'. That means, if your husband is uncomfortable with you establishing an emotional attachment with another man, then stop it! If you choose to continue, you are cheating your marriage, disrespecting the vows you made with your husband, etc. Is giving up your marriage really worth it? I'm certain that if the roles were reversed, and your husband was establishing a significant 'bond' with another female, you would not be comfortable with it at all. And I know about emotional affairs..........not pretty.
Author logan Posted May 26, 2006 Author Posted May 26, 2006 Thank you for the advice. I am going to try to distance myself from the other person. I know in my head what the right thing is but telling that part of me that misses the other person is another story right now. The other person and I have spoke and have agreed that distance is the best. Although the next meeting we will need to attend will be hard. As I said before we both live in a small town and we both are politically involved with our community, Soooo you can see that this whole thing is a very dangerous thing. I need to listen to your advice and focus my attention to where it needs to be. I am just struggling getting through the day without catching myself thinking that it would be nice to talk to the other person. Believe me when I say that I have put myself in the shoes of my husband and tried to think of how I would feel in this situation and I am completely aware that these feelings I am having are inappropriate!!
Bryanp Posted May 26, 2006 Posted May 26, 2006 Hello, Maybe you should ask yourself how you would feel if your husband was doing to you what you have been doing to him? Is the reason he does not because he has too much respect for you and your marriage? I think you need to be honest and truthful to your husband about what you have been doing. Otherwise you are still disrespecting him and treating him like a fool. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you expect your husband to be honest with you?
Author logan Posted May 26, 2006 Author Posted May 26, 2006 I am not argueing that fact. I know what I have done is wrong and I would feel the same if the shoe was on the other foot. My issues that I am trying to deal with are not accepting if what I did is wrong. I know it is. But being wrong and standing on the highest mountain and telling the whole world and confessing all to my husband will help in moving on with my husband, however, what I find myself also needing to do is get over the loss I feel in not being able to communicate with the other person. Wrong as it is to feel that way I do and that is what I need help trying to deal with. I have accepted what I need to do. (distance myself from the other person, no communication, focusing on my husband, focusing on other things, ending all with the other person) in order to save my marriage. I guess I was hoping for someone to give me this magical answer as to how long it will take for me to stop missing the conversations, etc. I had with the other person. I feel very lost within myself right now!
jonesgirly Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 There is a lot to be said for honesty, but there is also a need for compassion. You may be able to initiate a discussion with your husband about the lack of intimacy in your marriage. You've stated that he is aware (somewhat) of your relationship with this OP. You may be able to discuss your betrayal AND your need for emotional closesness with your husband, at the same time. You WILL miss this person, you WILL miss the 'bond' you had with him. But...and a BIG but........it wasn't 'right.' If you truly want your marriage to survive this, you need to open up the lines of communication. Is your husband angry/sad/emotional about the discovery of your affair? I didn't see anything other than him 'ordering it to stop.' I also know that a lot of men feel differently about EA's than PA's.
sylviaguardian Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 A lot of 'missing' someone has to do with projection. If you can work out what you were getting from the daily chat you might be in a better position to work out what is wrong with your life. Also, you don't mention much about this person, but in emotional affairs,a lot of it is to do with how you idealise that person. Be aware that you probably don't know that person all that well and that they have been cultivating an image for you just as you have for them. In short, it's not real. You are lucky that you got caught because these things tend to keep going until the damaged is finally done. Ask yourself how your affair partner would have handled you being chucked out by your husband. Would he still have been there for you? Or would he have been tucked up in his cosy bed with his own wife?
littleroom Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 I am not argueing that fact. I know what I have done is wrong and I would feel the same if the shoe was on the other foot. My issues that I am trying to deal with are not accepting if what I did is wrong. I know it is. But being wrong and standing on the highest mountain and telling the whole world and confessing all to my husband will help in moving on with my husband, however, what I find myself also needing to do is get over the loss I feel in not being able to communicate with the other person. Wrong as it is to feel that way I do and that is what I need help trying to deal with. I have accepted what I need to do. (distance myself from the other person, no communication, focusing on my husband, focusing on other things, ending all with the other person) in order to save my marriage. I guess I was hoping for someone to give me this magical answer as to how long it will take for me to stop missing the conversations, etc. I had with the other person. I feel very lost within myself right now! Logan, I am going through the EXACT same thing that you are going through. Seriously, I was reading your post with my eyes wide open and mouth gaping because it sounds SO much like my situation. In my situation I work in the same department as the person! So its even harder for me to stop communicating with him. Also, I am going through a feeling of loss because I am separating myself from him. You can email me if you want. We may be able to give each other some daily support so to take our minds off these other people and focus more on our spouses. I can be reached at [email protected]
Author logan Posted June 1, 2006 Author Posted June 1, 2006 You are right when you say that I may idealize this other person. I have found myself just sitting there completely overwhelmed by his knowledge, etc. when we talk. You are also right when you question what would happen if I did leave my husband, would the other person be there or stay with his wife. As hard as it is to admit I am sure he would not leave his wife. So I guess I have my answers. I just need to focus on getting over this feeling of missing him. I appreciate everyones help and input and your responses have made me think of things that I may not have otherwise. Once again, thanks.
littleroom Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 You are right when you say that I may idealize this other person. I have found myself just sitting there completely overwhelmed by his knowledge, etc. when we talk. You are also right when you question what would happen if I did leave my husband, would the other person be there or stay with his wife. As hard as it is to admit I am sure he would not leave his wife. So I guess I have my answers. I just need to focus on getting over this feeling of missing him. I appreciate everyones help and input and your responses have made me think of things that I may not have otherwise. Once again, thanks. You'll get through this. P.S- I emailed you. --- littleroom
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