The ex-wife called at 3am

[almostthere]

My bf's exw was out of town last night. her flight got cancelled because the weather here was bad. she called for some reason at 3am last night. I have no idea why. Well...i am tired of this stuff from her. Those of you who know my story know i have been dealing with her for almost a year now. so i contacted her today via text. I told her this...

 

Its time we have a talk. If you think you can handle it i am at (my email address) during the day or by phone of even face to face tonight. if not then you need to realize that you need to stop the bullsh*t.

 

Well i havent gotten a response yet and my bf hasnt called to say she called him yet mad at me.

 

I am just so tired of dealing with her. I am ready to leave the absolute best man i met over his exw. And it doesnt feel right. i guess i just wanted to vent. i didnt over step it did i? I figure I have sat here saying nothing long enough.

[whichwayisup]

Do they have a child together or something? If she is the EX, then why does she keep calling? I'm sorry, I have to go back and read some of your past threads...

 

It's inappropriate for her to call at 3am. If I ever get a call at 3am, it better be a f**k'n emergency!!! Not a casual "OH my flight was cancelled and I thought I'd call..." That IS bulls***! You have every right to be pissed off about it.

 

OK, I am going to go read your other thread and then come back and post more in afew mins...

[Art_Critic]

I told her this...

 

Its time we have a talk. If you think you can handle it i am at (my email address) during the day or by phone of even face to face tonight. if not then you need to realize that you need to stop the bullsh*t.

 

Sorry that you have a BF that has a screwy EX

It is a toughie..

 

If someone had sent me that text I wouldn't have responded either..

The text wasn't about meeting her and straightening out the mess it was about you putting her on the defensive. and trying to put her in her place.

 

Expect crap from her if this is how you react to her..

 

HE NEEDS TO BE THE ONE that straightens her out.. it is his ex and his child and is his relationship with her..

 

I think you need to pull him aside and get him to deal with it.. and/or get HIM to setup a meeting.. maybe a dinner between the 3 of you.

 

 

Don't give up on the relationship because of her.. then she will win..

 

Kill her with kindness.. it will make you the better person at all times..

[whichwayisup]

Okay, you've more or less just moved in with him. I hate to say this and please, don't take this the wrong way...

 

Is it possible that he really just wants to handle it his own way? You are newly moved in with him, maybe he feels it's not your place to get so involved in what he and his ex decide to do with child payments. If she lies and screws him over, HE will react and come to you for help. Or he'll talk to a lawyer and do it the right way.

 

I don't know, it hasn't been long enough - You all haven't blended together as a family. Your stepchild is the one who will suffer from this if you all don't get along. Sooner or later you have to be the one to reach out and make the peace. Getting pissed at her isn't going to solve anything (as much as you want to yell at her! I don't think it's a good idea to have a fight with her.) She is in your life forever, seeing as she is the EX and mother of their child.

 

I still think her calling at 3am is not good. Is it possible that she's having a hard time with all the changes? Jealously of you being around her child?

 

Talk to your boyfriend about it, if he is indecisive, that is HIS issue, not yours. He has to learn to stand up, make choices and stick to them, not ask you to decide for him. Sounds too, like he's abit intimidated of his ex and doesn't want to piss her off.

[almostthere]

Well they have 3 children together. however, she never told him she was leaving town and left these three children in the care of their 18 year old step brother. He is on drugs and drinks almost every night. But at 7pm last night she called to let him know she wouldnt be home last night (it was their sons bday and she lied and said she would be home in time. so no one spent any time with him on his bday) and that she would be home tomorrow. So why did she call in the middle of the night? he already knew that she was stuck in NJ. i tried to hear the voicemail she left while my bf was listening to it and all she said was hi umm umm...like she didnt have a good reason to leave any emergency message at all.

[whichwayisup]

He has to stand up to the plate and sort this out. Sorry, but right now it's not your job to. You can support him, be encouraging, helpful, but HE has to standup and GET involved.

 

I don't know enough to comment on the stepson...It's a bad choice leaving them alone with him though, she should have drpped the kids off with you two.

 

Maybe she was drunk when she called...

[almostthere]

Yes...he is totally afraid of her. In my opinion of course. I have been letting him deal with this for almost a year. the problem is he isnt dealing with it. she is still trying to interfer. and he is still syaing to me...its not worth the arguement. it isnt worth the agrument to make the woman who you want to get married to comfortable? to have stability in your relationship? i dont know. i guess if i cant handle it my only option then is to walk.

[littlekitty]

I think you need to discuss with him just how uncomfortable this is making you? Have you told him you're considering leaving because of this?

 

I agree with A_C. I don't think it was your place to send her a text, or to get involved in that way. It is his job to sort this mess out. And he's right.. if you walk away she has won. She's done the job she wanted.

 

I know myself how hard it is to deal with someone like this. I'm dealing with it myself right now. Fortunately my SO seems more inclined to take my views and opinions into consideration. We discuss how to approach her together as a team, because we are a team. If we both come from the same angle, then she has less chance to cause an issue between us.

 

If he's worth it, and you love him, then you have to forge ahead and find a way to work this out and to deal with it. It's never going to be plain sailing in these situations. But I know for me its worth her crap 10 x over for what we have together.

 

Perhaps read some of my threads... she even tries to split us up by telling lies.

 

But reacting isn't the way to deal with her crap. It only fuels the fire.... the best way is to retain your dignity and hold your head high. Don't let her see it's bothering you, and be nice as pie!

[Art_Critic]

i guess if i cant handle it my only option then is to walk.

 

Rather than leave the relationship how about having a coming to Jesus meeting with him and lay it all out on the table.

 

that way he won't be blindsided and you will have done everything you could do to correct the situation..

[almostthere]

I have talked to him probably about 5 times at least about this already. nothing changes.

 

However...what AC suggested sounds like something I can do. Maybe i should simply lay it all out. what could it hurt at this point.

[SoleMate]

It sounds like you are experiencing the frustration of someone who is trying to control the uncontrollable. Remember, the only person whose behavior you can control is YOURSELF.

 

Sure, the ex was way out of line to call. Granted. But you also didn't need to get in a tizzy over it. You have a choice of how to respond. It could have been just, "Sorry, can't talk. Please don't call like this again." Click. Roll over and back to sleep. A lot of us have a hard time seeing it, but it is not true that her behavior determines your feelings. Please see The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns for an explanation of this. I have found it tremendously helpful in chaging the way I feel about other people's behavior.

 

Like Art Critic said, that text message was in no way a constructive act. It was really just you slapping her in the face.

 

...i tried to hear the voicemail she left while my bf was listening to it...

It might simplify life if you just let him handle his own voicemail messages.

 

It sounds like he hates active conflict. Lots of men do. One of their deepest desires is for a peaceful home life without arguing. If you can help him create this, you will be making big deposits in his Love Bank. From his POV, her behavior may be unacceptable and he cannot control it. Your reaction also probably distreses him. If you could learn to dampen your reaction, you would both be happier. Since he's a wonderful guy, I think it's worth putting some serious effort into doing this.

 

BOTTOM LINE: Her behavior does not automatically control your emotions. It is your THOUGHT processes (fuelled by her behavior) that determine your emotions.

[Touche]

I've been in this EXACT same situation. I'm a second wife and had to deal with the ex. I don't agree that you should stay out of it and let your b/f handle it. The problem is is that you're "just" the g/f now. You don't have much credibility with her now. Until you're engaged or married your hands are pretty much tied.

 

I will say that my situation didn't change until I DID get involved..and yes, it was against my husband's better judgement. You were on the right path with your text message UNTIL you had to blow it with the "stop the bulls***" comment. It's a shame you had to put that in there. You see, like I said, you already don't have much credibility with the ex (since you're the g/f) but you didn't help matters by making that comment. You really should apologize to HER for that comment and see if she still may want to meet with you.

 

I waited until I was married though to put a stop to her nonsense. I knew she didn't take me seriously before that.

 

What does your b/f say when you asked him WHY she called at that hour?

[almostthere]

Thanks for your input. its nice to hear from someone in my situation. I have to explain something first before i answer your question. I told her to stop the bs because for the first 7 or 8 months of our relatioship they agrued everyday and she called everyday to ask for him back. he would pick up the phone knowing that this is what she was calling about then gave up time with me and my kids to argue with her. always only answering ok or right or i have to go. it was everyday. 2 or 3 times a day. it was horrible. and the worst part about it was i had to be quiet in the background like i wasnt even there. and if my kids where over i had to keep them quiet too. I dont know why. she calls him at weird hours at night and they argue often when he picks up or drops off the kids which is 3 times a week. she used to come into our home and walk through it commenting on things like nice bunk beds when i did move in so my kids could stay too. i mean just walk in like she owned the place. and he got it when him and i were together so it was never her place. she just came to me yelling the other week that they had slept together in january. so i feel i had a place to say what i did. she has slashed my tired (2 of them), convinced her children that their dad cheated on her with me and thats why they are divorced. turned her older son away from me intentionally. tells my bfs sister to tell my bf that she is still in love with him.

 

I mean really...how much do i have to endure before i say something? and why on earth if she can be so hurtful why cant i just tell her strongly to stop?

 

and an answer to your question of why she called? well...he didnt know even though he listened to the vm. he said he wasnt paying any attention to it. so i guess i really dont know. but i do know we knew she wouldnt be home til today. so why call at 3am to remind us???

[almostthere]

...adn today was the first time ever i have ever said anything to her. i have always relied on him to take care of it. so all in all i did good. and i wont apologize because nothing i said could ever amount to the hurt she has done to me and my relationship.

[Mz. Pixie]

Rather than leave the relationship how about having a coming to Jesus meeting with him and lay it all out on the table.

 

that way he won't be blindsided and you will have done everything you could do to correct the situation..

 

 

Holy hell, I'm a stepmother and I would never put up with that kind of crap on either side.....

 

As I explained recently to my exhusband about his new wife "You are the one responsible for her actions, if she does something I'm not comfortable with, I will be calling you on the carpet for it"

 

This is really not about her. This is about him letting her get away with it. He needs to be the one to deal with her- and to tell her to cut the crap. If he's scared of her or won't do it, then you need to rethink what kind of relationship you want with this guy.

 

You guys have alot of drama going on behind the scenes- such as her wanting him back and stuff like that. That's sure to continue until he puts her in her place. Yes, they have kids together but that doesn't mean she calls your house at 3:00 Am.

 

Every time you try to step in and deal with her for him you take the responsibility off of him. IMO the step parent is there to support the decisions the real parent makes, not be the one who makes them. Yes, you should discuss them, but according to my therapist it takes an average of FOUR years to blend a family!

 

He needs to be the one to tell her she has to respect your relationship. That doesn't need to come from you. Why would you even want it to?? I want my man to have enough sack to stand up for himself and his wife.

 

If he's not listening to you- that's telling you something. Also his comments about how it's just not worth it speaks volumes about your relationship. He needs to be told that either it's worth it for her to respect your relationship or it's not but if it's not then you have to decide if you want to hang around or not.

[Touche]

Mz. Pixie had a lot of great things to say BUT sadly, that's NOT the way it usually works. If it's going to work, it's usually because the two women sit down face to face with each other. It's not a matter of not having balls. My husband is a very well-respected, powerful man. But yet, he couldn't or wouldn't stand up to the ex. These men fear losing their children and they just want to keep the peace. They don't confront. And it has NOTHING to do with their feelings for you. It's just how it is.

 

I disagree with you OP, when you say you "did good." You didn't do any good at all, I'm afraid. You have to take the high road in this situation if you ever want it to work. The way it's going now, it isn't working and it could actually get WORSE.

 

Most people, yep MOST people cannot make this type of family situation work. It takes a LOT of patience and maturity. You can't just spout off when you feel like it. It does NO good. It makes it worse! I'm not telling you to be a wimp because I certainly wasn't, but don't attack either. And I feel like what you did say to her was confrontational.

 

What is it Dr. Phil says? Something about "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" You must make a choice. I hope you can learn to take the high road with her. If you don't, you're doomed to have more of the same. You also need to put your foot down with your b/f. Mz. Pixie did have some good points on that. It's just not enough though. My success came from putting my foot down with him AND addressing her directly..in a respectful non-wimpy manner.

 

Good luck. Oh and did I mention that the ex is a friend now? Yep, we even take vacations together with her husband.

[almostthere]

Wow...Touche...you're very trusting....

 

I dont want it to get that far. I just want peace. thats all. like my exh gf. we get along just fine.

[Touche]

Well, thanks almostthere but it's really not a matter of being really trusting. It's just that we know each other now for over 11 years. This didn't happen right away. It took years to get to this point. We were ENEMIES. I can match and beat your stories of what she did to me to torture me, believe me!

 

The kind of friendship we have just evolved over the years. I guess she saw I wasn't going anywhere! Sort of like "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" you know?

 

See, for a long time she tried to bully me. But I wouldn't back down. I wouldn't even show her how mad she made me. And it REALLY worked. You can do this and make it work if you really try. Believe me, my tongue was often bleeding after talking to her!

[Mz. Pixie]

To me, it's easier just to avoid the drama by not getting involved with her. I'm going to treat her child the way I wish my children to be treated. When I have to be in her presence I will be polite and overly pleasant- because truly I got the better end of the deal here and she's a little sad and pathetic in ways.

 

But- any kind of arguing will be for him to deal with. I'm just not going to get invested in it.

 

If my husband's ex wife were to cause all of the problems that this ex is causing I would be pissed as hell that my husband wouldn't stand up to her. This is not as simple as fighting over who does what or who picks up when- this is this witch slashing her tires and such.

 

I think it's great Touche if you can co parent with your stepchildren's mother. That's wonderful and I'm sure very helpful for them and your husband. I just have no desire to do so. If my exhusband had a problem with something my current husband did with the kids- I wouldn't expect him to take him to task or confront him about it, I would expect him to come to me about it. I don't see how it should be any different for a woman in that situation than a man.

 

I think that alot of times the man has alot of guilt about what kind of father he is, or if he wanted the divorce etc and this causes them to put up with crap they wouldn't put up with normally. Fortunately for me, that's not the case on either side.

 

The longer the period between the divorce and the new relationship the better I think too, because people have a way of getting used to the situation more. My husband and his ex have been divorced longer than me and my ex so it seems only natural that they have less problems in that area than my ex and I do.

[littlekitty]

I very much understand Touche's point regarding the men being afraid of losing their children. My ex certainly had this fear in the beginning, and at first often let her walk all over him just so as not to 'rock the boat'.

 

Eventually he saw that if he never rocked the boat, then he would be dealing with her behaving as she wished and doing whatever she wanted (him being taken advantage of) for the foreseeable future.

 

Sooner or later these men do have to stand up for themselves, and for their new lives. When she tried to dictate who he could and could not see when he was caring for their son (not just me, but friends too) then he had to put his foot down. He was not willing to have his life dictated by her.. even if that meant having to go the legal route for contact. As it happens, once he stood up to her, she started to take it.

 

That being said, we still today get crap from her. To a point it is at a stage where neither of us can do anything about it. We can't stop her sending stupid, pathetic emails. We've asked her to only converse re their son, and for the main part she sticks to it. It's just occassional crap now, she still wants him back I think.

 

He's made things clear to her, told her he won't stand for me being spoken to badly, called names. He's made it clear we are together and nothing will change that. I think he has done everything he can do to make the situation better.

 

Sitting down and discussing between the two women isn't always a viable option. In this case, where she clearly still wants her ex back, I'm personally not sure it's the best option. My SO's ex tried to attack me at least once. She did eventually ask to meet, and I agreed (with the proviso that I took a male companion for protection). When the time came she backed out. I still have to take the crap, but she doesn't want to meet with me to sort it. Personally I can live without the meeting too. The only reason I agreed was for the sake of their son, for him to have a happy family.

 

The truth is, she is not ready to accept that senario, or play that part. And until she is ready, meeting her face to face isn't really going to achieve anything. She has to be ready to talk like an adult, I can't make that leap for her.

 

Pz Pixie, as usual, has some great advice also! Her ability to see this from both sides gives her a great stance point.

[almostthere]

My bf and I are writing up an agreement between his ex and him for back child support that is due.

 

We are concerned since he doesnt go through the state and pays her directly that some time later in life she may claim she never received any money from him. My bf has kept no records but this will clear it up if she agrees to sign it.

 

Our question is this...

 

We give her a money order weekly. we keep the yellow copy. but this doesnt have her signature on it. is this enough to protect us? i want to start sending personal checks because I get the check back with my statement. I thought that would be better. Should we have her sign a receipt?

[almostthere]

Please comment if youd like. Thanks.

[ronnieromance]

Kill her with kindness.. it will make you the better person at all times..

 

 

This is true. And now, a little something for the guys: Fellas, nothing will make your ex-girlfriend spontaneously human combust faster than becoming friends with her current beau. Go have some beers. Play some tennis together. Motorcycles? Fast cars? Go enjoy an afternoon of motorsports activity without her.

 

You'll both realize you were dating Linda Blair and neither of you knew.

 

 

OP: You should have your BF stop this. The ties are between the ex and him, even though it is affecting you.

 

 

 

 

-R-

[littlekitty]

Very definately yes. Make sure there is either proof of a bank transfer direct to her account which will show on your statement, thereby providing clear evidence of the transfer. Or get her to sign a receipt every single month.

 

It's very important to protect yourself like this. My SO just does a standing order from his account to hers. This gives him proof of the dates and amounts paid to her. It's evidence that can't be disputed which is what is required.

[Fun2BMe]

My bf and I are writing up an agreement between his ex and him for back child support that is due.

 

We are concerned since he doesnt go through the state and pays her directly that some time later in life she may claim she never received any money from him. My bf has kept no records but this will clear it up if she agrees to sign it.

 

Our question is this...

 

We give her a money order weekly. we keep the yellow copy. but this doesnt have her signature on it. is this enough to protect us? i want to start sending personal checks because I get the check back with my statement. I thought that would be better. Should we have her sign a receipt?

Those yellow copies are not evidence of payment that will stand up in court. I have watched episodes of Judge Judy where someone making payments towards a personal car loan or child support would pay in cash and the accuser would claim they never got paid and the judge always favors the accuser due to no canceled checks or sufficient evidence that they were making payments. Better to be safe than sorry. Words won't carry as much weight as hard evidence.