Sami_D Posted May 26, 2006 Posted May 26, 2006 Thinking back on the conversation now, was he just going to think I was mad and silently say goodbye to me without ever doing exactly that? How dare he try and play my silent cold game and use it against me!!!!!! I don't know if you intended this to be funny, but I LOL at it Yeah... awkward pigs those MM can be, eh? You expect them to come running and they give you the cold shoulder, and vice versa. I don't know... maybe if you had been honest and up-front with him things would have been different. Again, during this phonecall, you didn't tell him what was the matter... Is that how your R has been? I can't understand getting involved with someone you don't have a great rapport with... why all this geurilla warfare..? (no, I can't spell that and too tired to look it up!)
Sami_D Posted May 26, 2006 Posted May 26, 2006 Well, I bought a pack of 24 rolls of toilet paper and took them all out and made a huge structure on top of my toilet. Yup! And I'm not talking to him until I've used it all up... when I'm done defecating him out of my body, maybe I'll be a stronger woman? THAT is absolutely brilliant!!! I've heard that the first 3 months are the worst. I've marked out in little squares in my diary a whole 3 months of squares to be coloured in day by day. It gives me a visual representation of how far I've come. I've filled in ONE MONTH already I have to say that... if I'd done the TPP I'd probably be using more than usual TP lol... and that would be so bad for the environment! I've thought before that we should have a thread about sticking to NC, what works, what doesn't... and we can collect all the tips and information in there. Maybe you could start it off with your TP approach
movinon05 Posted May 26, 2006 Posted May 26, 2006 Hey BI, Yeah, I agree with Sami. Perhaps if you had told him in the conversation that you were trying to do NC and why, you might have had a better conversation and started facing how this is all affecting you and then he would know as well. Otherwise, you're just dancing around the subject and not accomplishing anything. You need to have a good heart to heart with him.
eyeswideshut Posted May 26, 2006 Posted May 26, 2006 sami that was hilarious, being bad for the environment by using the TPP too fast. I have very good digestion, and my parents would always joke around that if I come visit, I should bring my own toilet paper. (well, I also use it for all other purposes, i'm very minimal when it comes to my beauty regime) HAHHA Yeah let's start a new thread. How NC worked and what worked and the top itty things that made us want to cave. Maybe I should begin by quitting smoking. And if I can do that, then, I can quit my addiction to a lovely unavailable man. (but he's so much more available than a lot of men I've met! emotionally! ) ok, sorry, gotta go to the loo. have a nice day:p
Author Blind Illusion Posted May 26, 2006 Author Posted May 26, 2006 I don't know... maybe if you had been honest and up-front with him things would have been different. Again, during this phonecall, you didn't tell him what was the matter... Is that how your R has been? I can't understand getting involved with someone you don't have a great rapport with... why all this geurilla warfare..? (no, I can't spell that and too tired to look it up!) Sami, And MovinOn05, you are both 100% correct in what you say about being more on the level with him. People in past forums have told me that, friends in real life have concurred and I know it also. No, it hasn't always been like this & the last time, something like this happened, I did take a deep breath and told him what was bothering me. It helped things temporarily, I suppose. Not really enough, though. When I feel that ot is an unbalanced relationship and wonder if he cares as much as I do, I find it hard to make it known that he has the power to hurt me. Or that he made me sad. Imagine me telling him that I joined a support group online because I can't deal with this entirely on my own. Another problem with me is that I am scared of seeming too needy. That's a big one for me. (this has nothing to do with him being a MM at all) I can admit it to you that I need him to call me more, make more of an effort, make me feel less taken for granted but The words choke inside me when I am feeling like this. The other part of it is that if I need to tell you how to act and how you should make more of an effort, what exactly is the point. That should come from within you & if its not, well, then, I guess I'll just have to deal with that. So, as ridiculous as it seems, I find myself skirting the issues regarding my feelings. I might make little induendos about it ("we should make plans to hang out soon") or make a sarcastic remark when he calls after a week has passed ("Oh, so you're still among the living;I was beginning to wonder") What happens is he'll agree with me in the first instance or go into a long litany of things he was preoccupied with, that seem feasible but still! ((((((SIGH)))))) I don't seem to deal with things like this head on with him anymore. Even if I could muster up the courage to be that vulnerable, what would I say? "This isn't working for me, as it currently stands and you must change to accomodate me because my life, without you at all, seems like I am just getting through the day." Basically, that is what is boils down to. ((((YET ANOTHER SIGH)))))))) I got to figure something out though.
Author Blind Illusion Posted May 26, 2006 Author Posted May 26, 2006 One last thing (since I felt like I was writing a short novel up there)...I even went to a therapist about 2 years ago and she said the same thing about me needing to be more upfront with what I want or how I feel. That is, after she got over the initial amazement that someone would come to her in the hopes of "improving their affair". She said that was a first. Even the shrink thinks I am nuts...lol.
movinon05 Posted May 26, 2006 Posted May 26, 2006 Well I was under the impression you went NC because you really wanted to try to live without him. But as it seems, you did not tell him because you did still want that door to be open a little bit. So as far as not telling him what you want him to do to make you feel better, well that's a different story. And don't worry about being nuts, you're among nutty friends!! we love you anyway, so welcome to the looney bin!!
RealityCheck Posted May 26, 2006 Posted May 26, 2006 BI... Hmmm...there is a song in that! "Sometimes I feel like a nut, Sometimes I don't" *laughing* Anyway, like MO said....your surrounded by the best of the best Nuts here!
Sami_D Posted May 26, 2006 Posted May 26, 2006 The other part of it is that if I need to tell you how to act and how you should make more of an effort, what exactly is the point. That should come from within you & if its not, well, then, I guess I'll just have to deal with that. So, as ridiculous as it seems, I find myself skirting the issues regarding my feelings. I might make little induendos about it ("we should make plans to hang out soon") or make a sarcastic remark when he calls after a week has passed ("Oh, so you're still among the living;I was beginning to wonder"). OK, I get it... well, there is a difference between telling someone how to behave, and telling them that something upsets you, talking about it so they understand, etc. If you're not honest about what upsets you, and you leave them to guess, or make cryptic comments about it... then how can they know how you'd like them to behave... or rather, how they can please you and make you happy? Obviously there are basic things that upset most people... but each person differs in what upsets them more than other things. For example some people don't mind being teased, others hate it. It's only fair to tell your partner where problems lie.. it allows them to treat you how you want to be treated. And it allows you to see when someone is being a jackass and ignoring your feelings. I know what you mean about it feeling like you're making yourself vulnerable. But, when you're in a close R, that's what you need to be... and they need to open up to you too. If they take your weaknesses and abuse that knowledge... then you know to kick them out of your life. If you allow someone to get close and know you... (having chosen them and vetted them Carefully!) then you can have the most wonderful time with someone.
eyeswideshut Posted May 26, 2006 Posted May 26, 2006 BI, i'm like that too. my problem though is pride. and i when i told my MM not to come by anymore and he didn't quite want to stay away, I said: well it's because it hurts. and he said: OMG, i'm so sorry. I really don't want to hurt you. And he kept saying that over and over, about how he realized that I'm being hurt. And of course I tried to cover it up by saying, no YOU don't hurt me, but it still hurts. So it sort of made him want to respect me and he told me that now he is so afraid to hurt me, that he will not come by if it hurts me and that he will respect that. I couldn't get over that he wouldn't realize that I'd be hurt. But I always act so happy when I'm around him, and he never saw the aftermath of all this. I thought he'd guessed it. But anyhow, yeah, even in his last email, he kept saying he never would want to hurt me, so i don't think he will pursue this any further until he deals with the situation. Good luck in expressing yourself. I never tell people when they hurt me, most of the time I just walk away. But this time it was worth it.
Author Blind Illusion Posted May 26, 2006 Author Posted May 26, 2006 Well I was under the impression you went NC because you really wanted to try to live without him. But as it seems, you did not tell him because you did still want that door to be open a little bit. So as far as not telling him what you want him to do to make you feel better, well that's a different story. And don't worry about being nuts, you're among nutty friends!! we love you anyway, so welcome to the looney bin!! Thanks I know I should have NC with him (or I'll be in this same cycle time and time again) and I actually thought I was doing good because I was busy and all. Then I go back to my other plan of letting it faze out, since that's what is happening anyhow but neither of us lets that happen anyhow. Can I be confused and not know what I want, for now? I guess a part of me wants the attentive man back that still lived not so far away and things seemed magical and good. I'm realistic enough to know that doesn't last forever in any relationship but, with other relationships, there's a trade-off. You feel more sure about the relationship, even if the initial magic lulls a bit. With an affair, there isn't that same trade-off. Nery insightful and helpful posts, Sami, & Eyes
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