Blind Illusion Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 Long story short: -I spent exactly 13 days in a NC mode. That was because I was angry at how he sometimes acted and so I never returned his call. Nor did he call me back, might I add, a bit unusual for him. I guess i wanted to 'punish' him for making me care about him so and then, not appreciating this concern. -The dual factors of atrocious behaviour of husband and the reality of missing the MM so, prompted me to email him last night. -Today, or rather, just now is an email from him telling me he is glad I emailed him, he thought I was mad at him, and to call him tomorrow during certain hours, etc. I feel relief, perhaps momentarily like an alcoholic might initially with that first sip of a drink before anxiety sets in. I keep getting into this same dumb circle and I don't know why. Whatever. I don't even know why I am posting this other to convey my own mixed feelings possibly to myself and let others know what is going on.
aktieb0cka Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 I guess today is not a good day for us. I broke N/C after 12 days. I know how you are freaken feeling and it sucks. I am pissed at myself, but I know what I have to do!!!
Walking away Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 Pick yourselves up, dust yourselves off and keep moving in the right direction. Do you know how many times I or he broke NC until this last time? It was sad, really, how we never were able to stop contacting each other. And, yes, when the NC was broken, the insanity started all over again for me each and every time. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. I have confidence in both of you. You are better than these relationships. Have faith. Hugs to both of you. WA
babydoll_mimi Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 I know how you feel hon. I was supposed to stay away from my MM when he decided to move back in w/ his wife and kids as part of a strategy to attempt divorce/custody again in 6 mon. He didn't tell me to never call him, but it was made much more difficult b/c I couldn't call his cell, I had to await his random phone call from work, or send emails knowing he was reading but couldn't respond b/c she might have access to his email. It really is like an addiction, and I find myself thoroughly relieved when I finally get to hear his voice, see him for a few minutes, hug him, etc. I am in love with this man! I know this is ridiculous, he's not yet divorced, he's ten years older than me, and he has three kids, but I LOVE him.
Sami_D Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 I feel relief, perhaps momentarily like an alcoholic might initially with that first sip of a drink before anxiety sets in. I keep getting into this same dumb circle and I don't know why. Whatever. I don't even know why I am posting this other to convey my own mixed feelings possibly to myself and let others know what is going on. I'm glad you did post, because it does help others to know that we ALL of us have huge problems with NC. It helps to read about the reasons for breaking it, and the results of breaking it. I'm sure we can all help each other by keeping posting, and talking about what is happening. This is the first thread I've read this morning, and I haven't checked whether you posted yesterday about wanting to break NC... but if you didn't, and you're getting back into NC, maybe it would be better if you posted here when you're thinking of breaking it? Then again... I SO wanted to break it 2 days ago (I'm on Day 30 today) and I wasn't listening much to anyone... but.. I'd had WINE! ((( hug ))) Are you going to call him? What are you going to talk about? ARE you really going to get back on the merry-go-round..?
Sami_D Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 I guess today is not a good day for us. I broke N/C after 12 days. I know how you are freaken feeling and it sucks. I am pissed at myself, but I know what I have to do!!! Yes... just like WA says... get back into NC. I broke NC myself the first time I tried it. I managed 17 days my first time. You will find it easier a second time, I think. Please keep talking to us and sharing fears, as it might help.
movinon05 Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 BI, If memory serves me, you didn't tell him you were going NC, right? I think sometimes when someone doesn't tell the other, it leaves a little door open. Because you just can't make the break fully. Are you really ready for NC? ((Hugs))
Jessie61 Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 Do you know how many times I or he broke NC until this last time? It was sad, really, how we never were able to stop contacting each other. And, yes, when the NC was broken, the insanity started all over again for me each and every time. WA, You are totally right in everything you say in your post!!! I have quoted this part only because it really made me smile; it is good to know that you are "human" too!!! Sometimes, I have wondered if you were in fact superhuman because of your incredible stregth, determination and everything else when seemingly the rest of us "mortals" sometimes fail and have to start from scratch! You rock, WA!!!! :bunny:
Author Blind Illusion Posted May 25, 2006 Author Posted May 25, 2006 BI, If memory serves me, you didn't tell him you were going NC, right? I think sometimes when someone doesn't tell the other, it leaves a little door open. Because you just can't make the break fully. Are you really ready for NC? ((Hugs)) Yes, you're right. 100 %. Kinda stupid to just write words in a post on loveShack but never tell the other person. Am I ready? I don't know. I'm not really ready to continue the insanity either. I keep hoping I can just keep minimizing things in my mind, little by little to where I never really felt the pain. Don't laugh though. I know how utterly ridiculous that sounds & for years now, I have been having dull pains with some moments of happiness (short-lived) thrown in. Promise me, everyone, you'll all come visit when they put me away & I am weaving baskets or stringing beads
lovernotafighter Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 I tried BI the way you did because I was afraid to close the door on our A . but it felt afterwards like I was testing him you know what I mean? like how your MM didn't also respond to your not calling him in tens days. my MM would panic a little but he still failed...I wrote all this junk to him a few weeks ago how I needed a ear and his response was " I here is you need to write me your problems" now exactly what I had in mind. I knew if I flat out told him to leave me alone and sugar coat what I wanted (so not to cuse him out) he would respect it cause he kept failing in every way..but to be honest BI this time is so much better than the other NC's..no demands I just wanted out. though I would rather have him because I love him,I know this will just go on forever and he'll never choose me..so it had to stop once and for all. I didn't want to end up hating him which is what would of happened. the finality was much harder on my heart sooo much better for my brain. when you really get feed up believe me this will be the way you'll want to go. keep us posted,we are here for you
lovernotafighter Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 Promise me, everyone, you'll all come visit when they put me away & I am weaving baskets or stringing beads heck BI I'll be selling my bracelets by the road side right there with ya sorry about my typo's above ..lol,I just took a xanax
Author Blind Illusion Posted May 25, 2006 Author Posted May 25, 2006 BTW, thanks everyone for their replies and understanding. A part of me wanted to just edit this thread into oblivion after I posted it. I have always felt like my marriage was like 1 beam, the affair another. Together , propped against one another, they formed a V and stood. Take either one away & the other automatically will fall. Eventually, that is what will happen because I have two faulty beams here. I really do have to start totally anew. It does seem overwhelming , at first, because I need to get rid of two relationships. That is really what I know that needs to be done.
Sami_D Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 when you really get feed up believe me this will be the way you'll want to go. I agree... I think that for most of us mortals, NC is all but impossible unless you really, really, need to get out of the situation. And by that time... it will be a relief.
RealityCheck Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 BI.... For me, NC was the most difficult for at least 3 months. After that period, I had a sense of strength. I guess because I got to a place where I figured he was out of my life and I didn't have a choice but to accepted it! I did think about him, but it was different somehow. My thoughts changed from "I wonder if he's missing me" for the first 3 months of NC, to "his marriage must be working". So my feelings did subside. When he showed up at my door after 5 1/2 months, my heart fluttered all over again! But for me, it brought me clarity to knowing that I was not really "in love" with him like I thought I was but in "lust". I know I can never truly be in love with a Selfish or Coward type of man. I know that after time, these characteristics would eventually be the demise of the relationship. Knowing this, I do miss the "intimacy" with him, but not "who he is". Understand, these are my feelings and yours maybe completely different with your MM. My point is, that my revelation to get to the root of my emotions for my MM could only have happened going NC. Had I not gone NC, I would have had a false sense of my true feelings for him. BI.... don't be so hard on yourself for breaking NC. It is all part of the process. Do what you need to do for yourself and if it takes 100 times of going NC, so be it! An A is very much like an addiction and it does play on the physc to a great extent! What drove me crazy more than anything was my inability to remain focused! Grrrrrrr..... Eventually that too fades. We're hear for you!
Walking away Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 WA, You are totally right in everything you say in your post!!! I have quoted this part only because it really made me smile; it is good to know that you are "human" too!!! Sometimes, I have wondered if you were in fact superhuman because of your incredible stregth, determination and everything else when seemingly the rest of us "mortals" sometimes fail and have to start from scratch! You rock, WA!!!! :bunny: Thanks Jessie! I really needed that. Trust me, I have weak moments just like all of you. But thank you for the compliment....It came at an incredibly good time. WA
lovernotafighter Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 BTW, thanks everyone for their replies and understanding. A part of me wanted to just edit this thread into oblivion after I posted it. I have always felt like my marriage was like 1 beam, the affair another. Together , propped against one another, they formed a V and stood. Take either one away & the other automatically will fall. Eventually, that is what will happen because I have two faulty beams here. I really do have to start totally anew. It does seem overwhelming , at first, because I need to get rid of two relationships. That is really what I know that needs to be done. yes yes BI! we are in the same boat,I'm moving along with my separation process and now NC'ed my MM. they are two beams alright eaten by termites and we need to do some much needed carpentry work before our ceiling in our lives come crashing down. we have to do this for our selves 'cause no ones going to do it for us...I thought I could handle it but realised I have to "wash these men right out of my hair"
Jessie61 Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 Thanks Jessie! I really needed that. Trust me, I have weak moments just like all of you. But thank you for the compliment....It came at an incredibly good time. WA You are welcome! You make so many of us feel better, so if I can "repay" the favour........ :bunny: PS. And it wasn't just a "compliment", it is my honest opinion!
Walking away Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 You ladies have made an incredibly difficult day so much easier. Thank you.
zarathustra Posted May 26, 2006 Posted May 26, 2006 Pick yourselves up, dust yourselves off and keep moving in the right direction. Do you know how many times I or he broke NC until this last time? It was sad, really, how we never were able to stop contacting each other. And, yes, when the NC was broken, the insanity started all over again for me each and every time. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. I have confidence in both of you. You are better than these relationships. Have faith. Hugs to both of you. WA Ladies, you don't know how true WA's words really are!! I think the one thing is, that final time that you go NC, I think you truly need to be ready. You know, the feeling like you can let go and really give up hope that you and he will have a future. I think when you feel it in your heart for the first time that you and this man will not have a future, that's when NC will stay NC. For me, I don't have the luxury of NC, so I suffer each day I work with my xMM. In my heart, I've let him go and when he stays away from me, I feel really good, but every so often, he comes by and act all friendly. It does me absolutely no good at all. Since I've been away, I've been doing really well. I hardly think of him.
Iwanttohope Posted May 26, 2006 Posted May 26, 2006 I know I can never truly be in love with a Selfish or Coward type of man. I know that after time, these characteristics would eventually be the demise of the relationship. Knowing this, I do miss the "intimacy" with him, but not "who he is". RC, I'm curious about selfish or coward type of man. I've just recently learned of my ending (see thread of D-Day). Did you come to believe your xMM was a coward or did that play itself out for you during NC? It feels like I have scales on my eyes and they're very, very slowly coming off. My struggle is that a man who has been separated three times is trying again to "work on his marriage". I've done my best to make this effort noble but they go to counseling a few times and then go right back to where they were which is just existing. Did you believe he was weak when you were still with him?
Author Blind Illusion Posted May 26, 2006 Author Posted May 26, 2006 C. For me, I don't have the luxury of NC, so I suffer each day I work with my xMM. In my heart, I've let him go and when he stays away from me, I feel really good, but every so often, he comes by and act all friendly. It does me absolutely no good at all. . Some time ago, I remember telling another OW that I sort of envied her in that her and the MM's paths would always cross and the door would never be comepletely shut. Sometimes, my deranged thinking still sees posts like yours and others that work with their MM and think at least there is some contact. But your words struck me differently tonight when you spoke of the luxury of NC. It made me realize just how crazed my thinking has become in spite of what I know intellectually.
Author Blind Illusion Posted May 26, 2006 Author Posted May 26, 2006 Synopsis: broke a semi-NC by emailing him after never returning his call for weeks. Now: I am a bit more screwed up after calling him today , if that is possible. He was SO COLD to me at first, none of which was conveyed in last night's email to me. All right, I exaggerate, but he was colder than he should have been for not talking to me all this time. He went back to that call that I never returned and asked what happened. I told him he left no message saying if he was away on business (and I could call later as is our usual MO) so I didn't know if I should call at night. Then he goes into this big thing about how I can call his phone anytime...he just might not be able to talk. To him, it looked like I just stopped calling him entirely, (guess he isn't exactly stupid) We talked about other things. My husband, his daughter, a few non-us related problems. Nothing more about the past weeks and eventually the initial strainedness wore off a bit. I still felt it anyhow and wonder if he did also. Then I tell him I have to go because of an errand and he hits me with the fact that he was away for the past two nights but will be home soon. I told him I would have just called him last night instead of emailing had I known and he GOES BACK TO that he didn't call me because he thought I was pissed and other times I would at least email him if I couldn't call & there was not one email from me. Thinking back on the conversation now, was he just going to think I was mad and silently say goodbye to me without ever doing exactly that? How dare he try and play my silent cold game and use it against me!!!!!! This was a whole pointless conversation. I was in a hurry. He was too cold. No mention of getting together. Just us saying we missed talking to one another. Big effin deal! This entry is pointless too. I am just recording it simply because. (actually I sometimes think I will reread these posts and everything will click for me and lights and bells will simultaneously go off.) I sit tightly, awaiting for these illuminated bells!!!!!
eyeswideshut Posted May 26, 2006 Posted May 26, 2006 I was just about to break NC too. but then I came here. have this bad habit, of staying on the computer and thinking, should I, shouldn't i, until 1 am. I look like s***e the next day. It's been like this for weeks. What sort of email did you send? and are you going to talk to him? How does one do NC???? OMG, I'm on day 3. You know what I did though for motivation? I usually have a really cute set up in my bathroom. (single girl living alone type deal) Well, I bought a pack of 24 rolls of toilet paper and took them all out and made a huge structure on top of my toilet. Yup! And I'm not talking to him until I've used it all up. And he's certainly not coming here, that's my motivation. It looks really awful. But it's my reminder. that when I'm done defecating him out of my body, maybe I'll be a stronger woman?
Author Blind Illusion Posted May 26, 2006 Author Posted May 26, 2006 LOL EyesWideShut about your ToiletPaper Plan. Operation T.P.P. I decided in my own little head that I wasn't going to return one of his calls because I felt like an afterthought always. This was my bizarre version of NC. Normally he would try again but he didn't. So, i broke down sending him an email 13 days later, saying I was busy, etc. He emailed me back saying he was glad to finally hear from me and to call him tomorrow. That's when I started this thread. I called but wasn't terribly pleased with how it went. I am right back in the same square I started in. What did I accomplish? Perhaps i need to go to Sam's Club or BJs to see if they have an even larger package of toilet paper for my own attempt at Operation T.P.P.
Jessie61 Posted May 26, 2006 Posted May 26, 2006 How does one do NC???? OMG, I'm on day 3. You know what I did though for motivation? I usually have a really cute set up in my bathroom. (single girl living alone type deal) Well, I bought a pack of 24 rolls of toilet paper and took them all out and made a huge structure on top of my toilet. Yup! And I'm not talking to him until I've used it all up. And he's certainly not coming here, that's my motivation. It looks really awful. But it's my reminder. that when I'm done defecating him out of my body, maybe I'll be a stronger woman? EWS, Your "Toilet Paper Plan" is hilarious! But if it works, then I am all for it....
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