I'm so...

[milokins]

Hi Everyone,

 

I need some serious advice. My boyfriend and I had been dating about a year when he suddenly mentioned to me that he loves me and wants to be with me but he's not sure he wants a girlfriend at all. Our relationship, up to this point, had been absolutely perfact. I told him that he would have to decide because it's not fair to me and he said he couldn't. I was already having the worst day of my life so I made up his mind for him. I took all my stuff and left. I knew I'd made a mistake and asked if we could talk. I wrote out everything I'd been thinking about and admitted I was wrong to walk away but I was so hurt to find out he was questioning our relationship. When we talked, he told me he loved me but he thinks I deserve better and he still wasn't sure he wanted a girlfriend. I told him to take some time to think things over and to let me know. He called me that night and told me he did want to be with me.

 

Everything was back to normal. I have never loved anyone like I love him. When I left his place in Wednesday morning (3 days later) he said "I love you baby, have a great day." When I called him after work that night he said we needed to talk. He told me that when I talked to him he saw how upset I was and he caved in but he just can't be in a commited relationship right now. I asked why not and he said he just couldn't.

 

I waited for about a week and called him to get some closure. He told me (again) that I'm too good for him and that he has lots of things on his mind and that he feels like he can't be there for me like I need him to. I asked if it was over and I should move on to which he responded, "I'm not telling you to wait for me, but I'm not telling you to move on either." I told him that's not an answer when he got upset and said "Fine, move on then." I asked if he stopped loving me and he told me he'll always love me. He said he'll be ready for a relationship some day he's just not right now.

 

I spoke to his mom shortly after and she said he's always had girls leave him for someone better and she thinks he's scared that I'll do the same. She also said that she knows how much he loves me and that she has never seen him so in love before. He also hasn't told her about the break up yet, which is completely out of character, she is always the first person he calls . She told me I should tell him that until he can say he doesn't love me, I'm not willing to move on. It is how I feel but I think I've already put myself out there twice and I'm not really sure it's the right thing to do.

 

I have never loved anyone as much as I love him and I have never been so hurt by a break up. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

[daphne]

A guy can love you but not want to spend teh rest of his life with you. I think you should listen to what he's really saying.

 

"You're too good for me" == I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore.

 

"Fine move on then" == That's a relief so I don't have to be the one who ended it.

 

The excuses his mother is making are denial. You should move on. If you have any possibility for reconciliation, it's only when he sees he can't have you anymore. Waiting for him to come back will, I'm willing to put money on, ultimately result in you wasting your time and getting hurt.

 

We all make excuses when we feel rejected. I would look at the situation as it really is and prepare to move on. It will save you a lot of heartache. Read the book "It's called a break up because it's broken". That helped me realize a lot of things.

[GB111]

Daphne is right. "You're too good for me" is a cop out. That's nonsense. Do you really think anyone has such a great girlfriend that he doesn't believe he deserves her? Nonsense.

 

He wants to see what else is out there. The only way to get him back is to make him realize that you are complete without him. In other words, go out, ahvea a great time, and leave him alone. He'll come back, I guarantee it. Can't say that about women, but I can almost assure it with men.

 

Best,

 

GB

[milokins]

I was just wondering if someone could shed some light on this for me:

 

I know GB said "you're too good for me" is a cop out, but do guys ever really believe that? My ex and I come from very different backgrounds. He grew up in a broken home, in a really rough neighbourhood. His dad left when he was young and his mom had to work several jobs to make ends meet. He had an uncle who molested all of the kids in his family and this has resulted in shame and self-esteem problems. He also experienced problems with drinking and drugs and got into some trouble with the law. I grew up in your typical middle class family. My parents are still together, my family is extremely close. I am extremely independant and everything I have, I have earned on my own. Also, I attended university and am a teacher while he is a professional boxer. None of this info bothers me, he has been very open about his past and he is not the same person anymore (hasn't touched drugs or alcohol in over 2 years).

 

From the first day we went out he kept saying he didn't know what I saw in him. He's said he didn't deserve me throughout our relationship. I would always explain to him why I loved him so much and that it doesn't matter how different we are. When we would go out, he would introduce me to his friends and they would say things like, "What are you doing with this guy?" and "Wow, where'd you find her?" I know they were just teasing but do you think it contributed to the feelings of insecurity he had expressed throughout our relationship?

 

Maybe I am just making excuses and maybe I am in denial I just feel like there's more to it than what he's saying.

 

p.s. He has a fight coming up on Tuesday. He was undefeated until his last fight which he lost in a split decision. He has been training really hard, on a strict new diet and really stressed out for the last couple of months. Do you think things may change after his fight?

[tikigods]

I think that in order to love someone else you need to love yourself first. Even if it isn't a cop out (The whole you are much to good for me) this guy has issues that he needs to solve before he can really be in a good relationship with someone. You can't be the one that "fixes" him he needs to do it on his own.

 

I would say give him space and time to think about things. Don't call, don't text and don't IM. He needs to find himself and it sounds like even if you don't mean to, make him feel guilty for not wanting to be with you right now. And you don't want to be with someone thats only with you cause they are guilted into it

[milokins]

I agree, he has been through a lot and he has to want to fix himself first. I definately don't want to guilt him into being with me. I want him to be with me only because he loves me and he wants to be. I think that is why I decided not to pour my heart out to him again. If he wants me, he will call me and we can go from there.

[RealBroken]

Is this guy young?

 

Is hard for a young guy, when he feels so involved with someone. Scares him (from experience). Men like to have experience with others.

 

Sounds like he's very afraid of losing you, ("doesn't want to be with you for now, but doesn't want you to move on")

 

He'll realise what you guys had was great i believe, (he already knows it).

 

I really think time will show him this. I think he'll contact you, because he wont wanna close any open doors.

 

Is he young?

 

I remember once breakin up with a girl because I believed she was the one...... and it was too early for me (i was 20). We got back together after staying friends about 2 years later. It didn't really work for me though.... and she broke it off. But those were my reasons.

Ive also had a girl do the same reasoning with me. We were great together but she was about to start university..... enough said. We stayed friends..... and talked about it one day and both agreed that if we had stayed together it would have been for a very long time, and then prob would have broken up later on out of her frustration in not have seen enough of whats out there. She however is living in another island now so nothin ever happened again.

 

It just seems to me this guy doesn't want to lose you altogther but needs to get his head round some things.

 

You are lucky he's shown you this emotion.

 

My ex, cried alot ....... stuffed me around alot not being able to make a decision. I feel now even if she had second thoughts, she wouldn't tell me simply because she has stuffed me around so so much already and wouldn't wanna get my hopes up or hurt me again unless she was sure.It sucks. She's not a very brave person. It would be nic to know she cares though.

 

Are you guys in the same town. Will he be hearing what you are up to etc?

[milokins]

He is almost 26 years old. We do live in the same city but we don't really have any mutual friends (outside of boxing). I met him when I was working a press conference for one of his fights so we have some common aquaintances but I doubt he'll hear what I'm up to. We both have a lot going on in our lives right now. I am going through some major transitions and am under a great deal of pressure. As I mentioned earlier, he has his big fight to worry about.

 

I have also decided not to go to his fight, even though I've been to every boxing match in the city since well before I met him. I think I have to be strong and let him see what life is like without me. The past 2 days have been really tough but I'm hoping that once his match is done he'll have time to think things through.

 

Thanks for the advice!

[RealBroken]

He'll hate that you're not there to see it.

 

Ha ha, I'm a fighter too, so know what it will be like for him.

You've always shared it.

[milokins]

Do you think I'm doing the right thing by not going? I know that even if he doesn't see me, he'll know I was there.

 

What kind of fighting?

[RealBroken]

MMA -mixed martial arts.

 

If he's expecting you and you aren't, he will miss you I would say.

 

If he succeeds, he cant share it with you.

[andyp6]

Is this guy young?

 

Is hard for a young guy, when he feels so involved with someone. Scares him (from experience). Men like to have experience with others.

 

This comment is very true. At 20 i was engaged to a wonderful woman, she was a few years older than me, I lived with her, she was everything a guy could ask for, sexy, quite well off....much better off than i was then..fun to be with, a great cook..she taught me how to cook, the whole relationship was great.

 

I broke up with her soon after we got engaged...I was too young, too scared, wanted to experience life and travel (I've been travelling ever since).

 

I do look back sometimes and wonder...but it really was never to be..I was too immature. I see you say the guy is 26 so it may not apply, but those reading this who are of that age may recognise that situation.

 

Even now though she has a place in my heart....16 years later.

[milokins]

So, here's the latest update. His mom called me today and let me know that he finally told her about our break up (2 weeks later). He stopped by her house to drop off tickets to his fight and she asked if he was keeping one for me. He told he we weren't together anymore. Apparently, this is how the conversation went:

 

MOM: "why did you break up?"

 

EX: "I can't be with anyone right now."

 

MOM: "Why not?"

 

EX: "I just can't."

 

MOM: "Don't you love her anymore?"

 

EX: "Of course I do, but I don't want to hurt her."

 

MOM: "Don't you think what you are doing hurts her?"

 

EX: "I'm not talking about this anymore."

 

She still thinks that he's confused and scared. I let her know that I appreciate her support and thanked her for being so great to me. I will avoid talking to her in the future. I also told her I was trying really hard to move forward with my life and that the only person who can change my ex's mind is him.

 

I wish she would have told me something to give me some closure. I guess I have to accept the fact that closure is not necesarily a reality in this situation.

[RealBroken]

Do u think there is anyone else milokins?

 

Let him miss you..... he still loves you!!!!

[milokins]

I don't think there's anyone else, but who knows? The fact that he's saying he can't be with anyone makes me believe it's something about the way he feels. I even asked him at one point if he felt like he couldn't be in a relationship, or if he couldn't be in a relationship with me? He said he couldn't be in one at all. It seems to me that all of his reasons are personal. I also don't think he'd have time for anyone else right now.

 

When we had that original discussion about him not wanting a relationship, he said he couldn't decide what to do because he knew if he let me go, he would always regret it. I guess I just have to let him.

[RealBroken]

Wow...... yeah must be personal. Wonder if his coach had anything to do with it? Were u taking up too much of his time??? no he'd say that eh.

Maybe he needs space, its kinda weird even from a guys POV.

 

Maybe he has set a goal with his sport and doesnt want distractions, although you'd think he'd just tell you.

 

I think the reason ppl dont tell you the whole truth is because they are scared of hurting you. I think thats what my ex did. They know when it comes out of their mouth it only makes sense from their own point of view and is senseless from anyone else....... therefore they just dont speak it. Hate the thought of themselves makin a mistake.

 

I know mine was thinkin this coz it took her 3 bloody weeks to decide, amongst breakin up and then changin her mind and being all up down up down and upset. You think you found a normal person..... then bang......... i guess know one is the same huh.

[Pantero]

I didn't read the rest of the responses, so forgive me if I'm redundant.

 

I read the "you're too good for me" bullsh-t, and it's a bowl of crap. This applies to both men and women who use it. It's actually really insulting to say that to someone because if you look at it on the flipside, "you're too good for me" means "you lowered your standards as some sort of charity and now I don't need your charity anymore".

 

I know to some, this will sound stupid or outlandish, but whatever. He dumped you. F-ck him. You'll get over him, believe me.

[RealBroken]

I've read that "youre too good for me" simply is a way of letting you down nicely. Its them trying to not hurt you, to make you feel better. Means they feel like crap for doin it, and they feel horrible for letting you down. They are downing themselves.

[Guest]

I moved here and started uni and had many doubts of myself, prior failed committment, school was so so, since I had just come out of a tumultuous r/s. My mind wasn't focused and I was very emotionally unstable. But I was lonely and felt disconnected with the world. I certainly was not in any way ready for another r/s. As time went on I began making friends, and had spoken with this girl I had seen from time to time. Since I had not completely 'cut' my ties with my past r/s, it would be hard to relate this to a potential lover, i.e. my hesitation to get involved again w/o my priorities set. But this is not a A1 reason to break or make a r/s at this time.

 

But as life would have it, I slowwwly broke out of my shell of a world, I had desires and met someone. We had common interests, but never really connected other than the usual hellos. Then one day I asked her out for cocktails. The chemistry flew off the handle! Even though it would suffice to say she surely must of had other beaus {?} I was thoroughly jolted out of my seat! She was involved and experiencing some r/s problems too. I found this out later from others, but she never really discussed this area. And I never really expressed mine. But dearly wanted to~with someone, her.

 

From the beginning we continued our friendship, but never really stated our status to one another. I was at first fine with that, but later started to have more feelings but felt it was not fair if I was working out the chinks with my long distance r/s as it appeared to be at a stand still with open doors! Even though efforts were made to establish exactly what we were to each other. Again, I started to feel badly as I did not want any r/s of mine to continue if I myself was in limbo with my ex. Although, I had pretty much accepted the fact, that my ex wanted it over.

 

But, then I realised one day as our shared problems merged and we supported each other, had some difference of opinion,but there were factors that led me to believe it just wasn't fair to her but I honestly started to sense she too, felt the same. I was falling in love, that I passed the care level, and time spent with her was enjoyable, comforting after a long bout of true intense lonliness and detachment. I did not cling to her because of this, but I realise she must of sensed my inhibitions and insecurity of it all but she had a way with me. I just opened my heart and threw caution to the wind.

 

Yet, I also believe she felt our 'differences' may counteract upon us and there would be problems. I can honestly say this is not one of my concerns, but there was no set time limit as to what or what not to do at times. I have been fortunate enough to understand that a r/s does not entail controlling or manipulated thoughts or actions, but it seems there was this feeling of uncertainty above us. She was younger than I but mature in many ways that astounded me and captured my heart. She was as intense as she was fragile and loving. I found this rarity charming and yet found her immensely exciting.

 

Now, to the point. I am not quite sure how to approach this further. I am also experiencing some profound changes, move, job, family entanglement, ect. and this appears to add some difficult questions to the current status. I feel badly and very affected. Moreso than I expected from one as we are both mature, and civil minded. As time goes on I also know we must either have some resolve, or reach an agreement. I hate this as she too, has mentioned in passing some very real feelings and I sense sadness or loss.

 

I wish we could continue to be supportive as this r/s, friendship or having one to be there even if it was just, is important to me at this time. Especially since I literally had pushed others away w/o really giving myself a chance for some happiness. Be it short or friends for life, lovers. I am relunctant to cut this r/s out but of course it is not just up to me?

 

I have read the posts and would appreciate some input. Should I just accept it as is? Or have one last heart to heart and let feathers fall as they may?

 

Others in this predicament? Help, please.

[milokins]

I don't think I took up too much of his time. He has sponsers so fighting is his job. He trained while I was at work then we would get together later. I also figure skate so I was very understanding that boxing was a huge priority in his life. I think I may have made myself too available to him. There are definately a lot of things I would have done differently.

 

I know "you're too good for me" is an excuse but, like I stated earlier, he has been saying this from day one. It's not something that just came up all of a sudden. I thought if I complimented him enough and told him how great I thought he was, he may actually believe it. I realize now that his low self-esteem is something he has to fix for himself.

[RealBroken]

I always told my ex she was beautiful. She was and I adored her. I was breathless everytime i woke up next to her. She always said she wasnt. She thought she was a plain Jane and always admired other girls and how pretty they were. I could never seem to get her to realise that she was actually better ha ha. Think she really believed she wasn't. I sometimes wonder if i gave her , her missing confidence and she's all of a sudden realised she could have almost anyone. WHY THE HELL she's gone off to this gangly lookin loser shes with i dunno.

 

Yup sounds like some personal issues there Milokins.

[milokins]

Your relationship sounds just like mine. I remember waking up next to him every morning and thinking how lucky I was. I still can't believe it's over...

[RealBroken]

She used to say all those things about me too........

God I hope she still ponders over them, thinkin have i done the right thing. i know when we broke up she wasnt 100% sure..... but friends and family will have been supportive and told her she is etc by now..... im thinkin this reassurance makes her feel comfortable with herself/decision and brainwashes her to believe..... i dunno. Just cant understand how I can hurt and miss her SO MUCH, without her doin the same. I know for sure we both meant alot to each other. She told me she doesnt feel the same anymore,... she didnt give it a chance to heal. Cant comprehend at all. Cant comprehend that statement.

[RealBroken]

We'll just keep in touch aye milokins.

We're quite pathetic,.... but dont care.

[RealBroken]

Hey Milokins, how can we talk outside of this forum,.... ie email.

I think that would help me, dunno bout you. What you think. Talkin to you helps coz you are in the same boat kind of, and you give a female perspective on things.

Obviously cant write an email addy on here though.