Should I have an affair with my high school sweetheart?

[MustardM]

I plan to get a therapist to talk through all this but right now I thought I’d ask for some advice from anyone who has thoughts about my situation. The responses on this site are insightful and I could use that type of thinking!

 

I have been married for about 4 years. My husband and I are in our early 30's. We were both big partiers but are now settling down and talking about having kids (the bio clock thing). I love him in the way I love my best friends - he’s nice to look at and the sex is okay. But there’s no passion on my end - I never feel the urge to tackle him in the kitchen. That animal attraction is not there. He makes me laugh, we have fun, and we go on with everyday life. And he loves me dearly which he demonstrates daily.

 

My high school sweetheart, on the other hand, makes me feel very passionate - both physically toward him and emotionally and intellectually about life. I met him in 8th grade and, literally, the moment I saw him my breath stopped. I just knew he was meant for me. He was my first in every way and we were together through high school and one year into college. But we went to colleges on different sides of the country and figured we should probably date other people. I also thought he had some growing up to do (he agrees that’s true). So we dated other people and drifted apart. He now lives about a 10 hour drive away, although we always speak when he comes back for holidays.

 

Six months before I got married, I had drinks with him. I told him I was getting married and I just couldn’t wait for him anymore. He had no plans to move back to where I was and I was firmly entrenched in a local job I’d worked hard to make a reputation in and I enjoy. I also love where I live and can’t imagine going anywhere else. He looked like a deer in headlights when I told him but he just wished me happiness.

 

About two years after I was married, I had dinner with him to catch up. I was blown away by how much he had matured - he was still the same intuitive, kind, shy guy, but he was now insightful, intellectually curious, and confident. He looked fantastic too. He had traveled all over the world and he had the same girlfriend since college (I met her a few times). I had a wonderful evening with him. I felt like I was falling in love all over again. Then I went to my car and started crying, sobbing really, thinking how stupid of me not to have waited or pushed to explore this relationship before getting married. But I figured, stupid me, I missed out, life goes on.

About one year ago, he told me he had broken up with his girlfriend. She was a mess in my opinion, very controlling and emotionally unstable, but I hadn’t said anything since he seemed to want to work it out. They had gone to therapy but he finally decided to get out of the relationship which I think was healthy for him. Since then he’s had a string of long distance relationships but nothing really serious.

 

Sorry to make this so long, here’s the meat of my dilemma - we had lunch about six months ago and I told him of my plans to have kids soon but I am hesitant because my marriage is so uninspiring. I also complained about my husband - he doesn’t like to do outdoor activities like I do, he drinks a bit too much, there’s no real passion, maybe I made a mistake getting married, etc. Now that I look back, I think I was subconsciously baiting him to see if he still cared for me. He tried to be supportive of me but it was clear he still cared very much for me.

 

He went back home and I sent him an e-mail thanking him for the talk. He wrote me back with a surprisingly long and detailed e-mail about how he still loves me and always has but he didn’t want to say anything but the feelings are too strong now and he has to acknowledge it. I wrote him back telling him how I feel about him but not seeing how to fix it - I am married, we live in different cities, we haven’t really “dated” for a long time, etc. I know all that is true in my head but my heart is screaming at me. Ever since he told me, I have been crying A LOT - during my commute, while listening to music, etc. and I am not the crying type. It feels like my soul is being ripped out. We’ve talked on the phone a few times which is excruciatingly painful. He’s thought about moving to where I am, but all his friends are where he is and he would really miss them. He would have to give up his life to date me. I really can’t leave b/c of my job, family, truly loving where I live, etc.

 

I realize I am already having an emotional affair. The question is do I take a chance on a relationship that I am almost certain will give me a more fulfilling life or do I stay in a marriage that is happy but without passion? Also, could I live with myself if I broke a sacred marriage vow I made? Plus I have the bio clock ticking - my brother correctly said what I need is time and that’s what I don’t have. Do I tell my husband I’m having these thoughts? I can’t tell anyone at work although I am close to them because there’s a strong pro-marriage sentiment. In fact I think they would very much look down on me if I got a divorce. My family says they’ll love me no matter what I decide. Any thoughts??

[whichwayisup]

I think you owe it to yourself, to your husband and your marriage (vows) to go to marriage counselling. To give your marriage one last shot before throwing in the towel. I would suggest you NOT to cheat - If your marriage is going to end, let it be because you marriage didn't workout, not because of an affair. And I also hope that you can be on your own before jumping ahead into another relationship.

 

Just remember, passion fades in time, it just happens - It's the long lifetime love that lasts forever...Sex isn't everything in marriage, though it's a big part of it. Does your husband know how you feel? Is he aware of your feelings for another man? He should know this. I'm sure he doesn't want to be second in your heart. Be upfront and honest with him.

 

Who cares what your family thinks and what they want you to do. This is YOUR life, not theirs. Don't live your life to please other people. You aren't happy in the marriage - Don't have children because that isn't going to make it better.

 

Try the counselling, talk to your husband about EVERYTHING. Let the OM go because you don't want HIM to be the reason why you're leaving your husband. If the OM wasn't in the picture would you still be thinking these thoughts about your husband? Would you feel less for him? Or considering a divorce? These are things you have to dig down deep and ask yourself...And discuss with your therapist. I think one on one therapy for you is a good thing as well as marriage counselling with your husband.

 

Good luck and please, don't cheat. It's selfish and you'll be hurting your husband soooo badly...

[MustardM]

Thanks for your reply, I agree some time alone is a good idea. Actually my husband was out of town for 2-3 days and it was nice to be by myself. When he came back I found myself being very up front with him about our day to day life and things I'm not happy with. He was understanding and agrees we should do some things differently. The first step is to see if I really want to stay married to him. It would be so easy to jump into another relationship but that's probably the least healthy thing to do.

 

It's funny, reading all these postings makes me realize how often people really do have affairs. I'm already really angry at myself for having an emotional affair. I can't imagine being with two people you care about at the same time - how emotionally punishing! Well, thanks for the comments. It's helpful to hear the down to earth - and correct - perspective before I go and do anything stupid.

[reservoirdog1]

No, you shouldn't cheat. Leaving aside the moral reasons, you'll feel guilty and like complete s***. And that's BEFORE your H finds out... after that, you'll sometimes wish you'd never been born.

 

I think you do have an obligation to try to work on your marriage. However, from my perspective, you don't have an obligation to stay forever in a marriage that makes you unhappy. Just do the honourable thing and end your marriage before taking up with somebody else.

[Solachica]

Remember tht you are married and the Vows tht you made.

[enoughisenough]

You are thinking about having kids? Are you crazy? You want to cheat on him already!!! GET DIVORCED AND PLEASE DO NOT BRING A BABY INTO THE WORLD WITH A MAN YOU DONT EVEN WANT!!! MY GOD! The child will hate you one day when she knows how her mommy cheated on her father etc etc.

 

And this is common, considering all the affairs that take place in the world. There was a statistic on this site someone posted about a large percentage of people would end their marriage if they could be with their first love. Do not stay with a man (the one you are with now) if you dont even love him! Hard enough to make marriage work even when a great amount of love exists... it will be impossible to pull off without it unless you have an open marriage.

[HokeyReligions]

Don't cheat. That's a stupid thing to do and you don't write like a stupid person. I think you know what the answer is.

 

Work on your marriage. If you can't make it work, end it.

 

It doesn't sound like you love this other guy enough and the passion will wear off quickly. If you loved him enough and he loved you enough you both would have said "Yes, I'll move closer to you." or decide to both leave and move someplace new together. Obviously neither of you are at the top of the priroity list for the other.

 

Your feelings are really not that uncommon with couples who have been together a while. Your husband may be feeling that same lack too and not know what to do about it - he may be tempted by another woman at some point - work on your marriage now before that happens. Take that lusty passion you feel and tackle your husband! You might surprise both of you.

[Lovegod]

Now, this is the EXACT reason why I never date women in their 30s...

I never feel the urge to tackle him in the kitchen. That animal attraction is not there.

 

So, you married a man you're not attracted to, just because your biological clock is ticking. You have put more emphasis on having children than your own happiness. That is your first mistake.

 

I realize I am already having an emotional affair.

You're having more than an emotional affair, you're attracted to someone other than your husband. Your marriage is already damaged beyond repair. Counselling is a waste of money at this point.

 

Plus I have the bio clock ticking - my brother correctly said what I need is time and that’s what I don’t have.

You can always do what many women in their 30s selfishly do - get a man to get you pregnant so you can lay your clock worries to rest and ding him with child support.

 

Remember tht you are married and the Vows tht you made.

 

Unfortunately, marriage vows don't mean s*** in today's world. They're just there out of tradition. The whole freakin' marriage arrangement is a tradition.

 

What gets me is MustardM knew EXACTLY what she was doing, and didn't bother to prevent things from going downhill. You have no self-control, and you're following your emotions which is what brought you into this mess.

 

I feel REALLY bad for your misled husband. Do him a favor and divorce him. Also, DO NOT subject him to your selfish desire to have children. You've already screwed things up this much, don't screw them up more.

[Curmudgeon]

Something to think long and hard about. You and your husband have been married for a number of years. It's not uncommon for the "hot" passion to fade somewhat as you settle into life with one another as a day-to-day existance and reality. You have a household to maintain, jobs to go to, bills to pay. None of that is particularly romantic. The good news is that the passion can be rekindled if both of you work at it and a successful marriage IS hard work but romancing one another daily in small ways isn't. It's a joy.

 

Now for the other man (OM). There's always "the grass is always greener" quotient as well as the fact that you aren't in a day-to-day life together and don't share any of the responsibilities. You remember what was but that will fade once the romantic bloom has faded and the realities set in.

 

Your choice, of course, but something to think about!

[Lovegod]

The good news is that the passion can be rekindled if both of you work at it and a successful marriage IS hard work but romancing one another daily in small ways isn't.

 

Sorry, I have to disagree.... well at least to the extent of HIM needing to work at it. It's very likely that he hasn't seen the relationship break down, and everything is going fine. He just doesn't know jack about how to make a woman feel sexy, and that isn't something you can pick up overnight or in a relationship counsellor's office.

 

There's two very distinct problems here

 

THE MAN: He can't turn on a lightbulb, nevermind a woman.

THE WOMAN: She married a sperm donor, and she's juicing over her highschool sweetheart.

 

This is A MESS, and a rag isn't going to clean it up. Sadly, it probably would have been better if this marriage didn't take place.