Iwanttohope Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 Well....its all over for me... NC gave a result but not one I hoped for. My xMM has decided to go home and has stated that he has new feelings for hiw W. Seems their third separation has helped him realize some things about himself. Who knows. He wants his kids under his roof and he's willing to try anything to ensure that happens. He stated that our dreams could not come true because there were too many obstacles in the way. Part of me agrees wholeheartedly and the other part of me feels pretty crappy. This was all conveyed through a mutual friend of ours. I feel ok... partly like a huge weight has been lifted and partly just plain old crappy:) I'm glad there is some finality. I don't doubt how we felt about each other for a nano-second though. He said that he wished things could be different but they're not. He said there was no way he could say he didn't love me but that he felt he is doing the right thing. And, no, he's not being a coward by not telling me himself...he's respecting NC. Thanks everyone for pulling me out of the ditch so many times. I hope to return the rescue if any of you needs it;)
movinon05 Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 You know what, IWTH, let's try to find a silver lining here. At least you now know WTH is going on. And he made a decision. Let's just hope he sticks to it. Otherwise, its a different ball game. So many MMs leave the OW hanging on with excuses and put them through the ringer. Even if its not what you wanted, take this opportunity, look at it, cry, scream, whatever you have to do, and use it as a catalyst to move forward with your life. Find someone better for yourself. I know it takes time, believe me. But don't let him waffle back and forth and drag you down again. Perhaps since at least told you (although through a friend), he realized you need to go on with your life. I could be all wrong because I would have to go back and look at your original posts. I'm sure you feel quite crappy! But we're here for you.
Author Iwanttohope Posted May 25, 2006 Author Posted May 25, 2006 I'm really more relieved as time passes. Limbo is so emotionally draining and it feels like you are just standing in one place stagnating. I hate that feeling. I feel peace about it. I was a physical and emotional basketcase before NC started and now 21 days later my fingernails have grown out again and I can actually hold something in my hand without practically convulsing. The NC helped me to prepare for the final end. I'm surprised not to be in hysterics and I think I would be if it weren't for good ol NC!
whichwayisup Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 If you need help and this hits you hard in the upcoming weeks, don't be afraid to go talk to a therapist. You've been through the wringer many times and eventually that does damage and takes it toll. Think positive thoughts, as much as you are probably hurting, now you can put yourself first and move on with your life. Time is on your side. Take care.
Author Iwanttohope Posted May 25, 2006 Author Posted May 25, 2006 Couldn't agree more WWIU--I started counseling two months ago and when NC started we bumped it up to twice a week. It has helped tremendously.
lovernotafighter Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 IWTH ,I know what your going through. the finality of it is exhausting but it is easier than hanging on to hope. I been in NC for about 2 weeks now and I didn't give a do date I just ended it and asked him to avoid me and respect NC..I figured he had his shot..he blew it. I started freaking out more and more..got another job,went back to school,got put on anti-depressants then realised I'm just trying to forget my MM so why not let go. I know it being over isn't easy but you know he loved you as well as he could and you can take your memories with you and move on with your life. I wish you the best of everything..we will be here for you
aktieb0cka Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 At least there is some closure!! I am sure you still have a long road ahead of you!!! We are here for you!
Sami_D Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 Oh IWTH.... I wondered what had happened as you'd gone a bit silent. I'm so sorry that this has happened........ I felt sure that he'd come through for you, given time. I'm surprised at this, so soon after you started NC But you know, he has really come through for you... sending a message through a friend to enable you to start you on your next phase of healing was very kind of him. Oh IWTH. ((( hug ))) I know how you feel about NC helping to cushion the blow. I feel the same now... if I heard that MM had decided to stay M, I'd feel much less pain now than I would have a month ago. It really does help to have started life again without him. I am sure there will be many phases of your healing... as WWIU says, there will be some bottoming-out as you let go to finally soar with the freedom of it being over (I'm thinking about my own future here too!). I only hope that MM now stays away from you, and even if he wavers in future, that he won't ever contact you unless he's free. DON'T want him doing a MovinOn's MM on you...
Walking away Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 I, too, am so, so sorry. I know that the hardest part is giving up hope. Even though we have only gotten to know you for a short time, I can sense that you are an incredibly kind, honest person. And, you will be okay. You have great strength and yes, it will get hard....but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Believe it. We are here for you. I will pray for peace for you in this difficult time. Remember, you are amongst friends. Big hugs. WA
Blind Illusion Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 I am also sorry and hope, in time, this will all work out for the better. Which it will, because you will make that happen. I hope you have some friends you can confide in during this difficult time and of course, you have us here. I can understand wanting kids under one roof but third separation. Seems like a pattern of theirs and nothing really "new" but that's their headache now. I wish you all the best.
Author Iwanttohope Posted May 25, 2006 Author Posted May 25, 2006 Thank you so, so much everyone. I just got home from another therapy appointment. Part of what is hard is realizing that I had centered every goal I have around this man. I allowed myself to put him in every future scenario for myself and my child. I am SOOOOO glad I have three weeks of NC under my belt. I think I'd have to be institutionalized if this were the first day. I have let a man be my entire identity and while that does sicken me, I don't ever want to do that again. My counselor is telling me the healthiest relationships are the ones where neither one of them "has to have each other to be ok"... I look back on all my past relationships with men and see that I am continually looking for another to make me "all right" and when that "other" is removed--I'm not ok. I just hate having to look at that because it makes me feel so freakin weak! I want to be just fine alone and then find someone to share my life with and not have those thoughts of "if I don't have you--my life means nothing". I had not had a relationship before my xMM for ten years. I devoted every ounce of time and emotion I had to my daughter. I naively thought that a sebatical in dating meant I would make healthier choices in men--well I've proven that theory to be false!! (LOL) Not that a MM is ever a healthy choice but I honestly wasn't looking for a MM. I also am having to look at a lot of ways where my xMM was really weak. Not to vilify him but to try to see things the way they were. The strongest and rightest thing he has done to love me is to let me go since he is staying home. I hate to think that my 9 1/2 year old little girl will grow up looking for someone to make her "ok". The message I want her to have through my life is that she is AWESOME completely on her own and that no man makes us who we are. They can complement us, but they don't make us. She had no knowledge of my xMM except from meeting him at my former job with all my other co-workers. So, as far as she is concerned, mommy hasn't ever even had a date. I know--this is good, I'll be stronger, I'll find someone so much better, blah, blah, blah-- I just don't feel any of that hope yet. Its hard not to sit around and think "how in the hell can he stay with a woman he's been separated from three times, who puts their own kids in the middle of all their battles, who threatens another person's innocent child, who lies, manipulates, is untrustworthy and calculating"? Oops--didn't know I needed to get all that out!! Anyway, he is staying with her and I don't anticipate much happiness in his future except through his children. I, however, have a completely blank canvas as my future. Right now it looks like a lonely canvas, but I'm working on starting over and making healthy goals for me and my sweet girl;) I'm still really, really sad though:sick:
Sami_D Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 I know--this is good, I'll be stronger, I'll find someone so much better, blah, blah, blah-- I just don't feel any of that hope yet. Its hard not to sit around and think "how in the hell can he stay with a woman he's been separated from three times, who puts their own kids in the middle of all their battles, who threatens another person's innocent child, who lies, manipulates, is untrustworthy and calculating"? Oops--didn't know I needed to get all that out!! Anyway, he is staying with her and I don't anticipate much happiness in his future except through his children. I, however, have a completely blank canvas as my future. Right now it looks like a lonely canvas, but I'm working on starting over and making healthy goals for me and my sweet girl;) I'm still really, really sad though:sick: Regarding your MM and his M... well, I don't know how he can go back to her either... I have to say I'm surprised. It doesn't seem like he's given it enough time before he has let you know he's over with the A. BUT... he's done such a great thing in letting you know/ letting you go. It sounds like you're doing a great job with your daughter... I'm so glad she knows NOTHING about the A. Sounds like you're doing well in counselling too. I know that's a hard slog... looking at yourself and trying to work out where you keep going wrong is so difficult, but will pay off in the end. No, you're not going to FEEL good yet... but you have all the right thoughts and intentions, and that's the most important thing.
Walking away Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 With the losing of hope comes healing. Look at this season with your MM as an experience to grow from. It is winter now in your life. Look at your relationship with him much like a tree approaching winter..... Let the last leaf fall.... Hugs WA And I agree with your counselor completely. Two COMPLETE people make a great relationship. You cannot rely on anyone to complete or fill you up. You must be full to begin with. And only then can someone compliment your life. No one can fill it. Only you can do that. But, I sense that you already know this.
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