The "I'm not happy" ending

[insomnie]

So, here is MY sad little story.

 

Boyfriend and I had been togehter for almost two years. I know I am young and do not have that much experience (we are both twenty) but I really fell hard for him. Since day 1 he just seemed like someone out of my childhood dreams, exactly the kind of person I want to be with. I really thought it was going to work out forever. The first year was wonderful.

 

Then we started having problems. He started to be more busy, less attentive. We stopped doing fun things togehter. It was probably both our faults, but I was really feeling neglected. I thought it would work itself out, though, and I tried really hard to bring the spark back, to make him love me and show it again, but he always made excuses...

 

The sex became bad. I just generally felt like he felt spending time with me was a chore. This made me kind of mean to him, at times, and demanding, because I was starting to feel so insecure. So alone.

 

Anytime I questioned him, though, he always said he loved me and that everything was ok.

 

Then came finals. I didn't see much of him that week, but assumed that, come summer, we would reconnect. However, the day after his last final, he IMed me...to break up.

 

He said though he loved me, he felt like he was under constant pressure to perform, and that he always felt guilty for not spending time with me. He said that though he thought I was the perfect girl for him, he just wasn't happy. That he missed his independence, being able to do whatever he felt like without giving thought first to my feelings.

 

I was as understanding and friendly and even thanked him for, finally, being honest. After he signed off, though, I felt like someone had stabbed me in the chest. SO betrayed. Two years, and he breaks up with me via an 8-minute online chat?

 

Since then, I have not initiated any contact with him, but he's IMed me to ask how I am doing and to tell me he doesn't want things to be weird between us. He said he'd call me at the end of this week and we could "hang out if <I'd> like."

 

I love him and would LOVE for things to work out between us, but I am not really sure how to proceed. If he came back and was upset and told me he was sorry and that he missed me I would definitely take him back - but right now it seems like, at best, he'll be giving me a test to see how un-demanding I am, how fun to be around, and if I pass, he'll stay. That's isn't love and it wouldn't really be fair to me, I think. I just feel like if we are to get back together he should at least feel sorry for ending it.

 

What do I do?

 

I am not going to initiate contact but I am wondering whether or not I should actively attempt to win him back by hanging out with him and supressing my feelings of betrayal so that I am more pleasant to be with, thus giving him more incentive to come back.

 

The whole situation is kind of a catch-22. He will love me if I do not pressure him to treat me well and if I am happy and pleasant, but I can't be happy with him unless he doesn't neglect me and loves me more unconditionally than that.

 

Ugh.

 

(sorry so long and thanks in advnace for reading, everyone, I REALLY value the advice on here.)

[lvlyldy]

I am in the EXACT same situation as you... my bf of a year and a half (my first love, we're both 20) and I had a wonderful relationship. We got into a funk because he started having academic problems, and I started having health problems, and we became very demanding on eachother to deal with the stress.

A little more than 2 1/2 months ago he broke up with me, saying that he just wanted his independence (not to date other people, more to be able to do whatever he wants with his own time without feeling obligated to me all the time)

 

I dont know how to feel about this either, I thot things would improve because we were at the time living across from eachother in the dorms, and maybe next year living apart would improve things. he didnt wait to give it a chance, and said he just had to be alone and I had to give him time and space. I couldnt really do that in the beginning, and throughout the two months i lived across from him id have weird phases of NC and then bursting out crying to him. I think you did the right thing not reacting... there were times when my ex would cry and tell me he missed me, and maybe had i let him continue to miss me he would have come back.

 

Maybe its just that he's young, and he is introverted by nature (something I didnt realize my bf was to the extent he really seems to be) and maybe he just needs to be alone and be a guy for awhile. I loved my ex so much, and I still do... but I guess everyone needs to be alone for awhile. I have faith that one day when things have settled down he and I will be able to work it out. It may not happen, but I dont know whatelse to think or feel. I got home from college about 5 days ago and havent talked to him since. Im hoping a summer apart will do the trick, maybe thats what you need too? They always say that if you love something you have to let it go, and if it comes back then its real love?

 

Im really sorry you have to go through this, its really tough. I had to go through this during school and it totally killed me. My grades ended up sucking and Im still a mess. Its slowly getting better, and I hope with time it will work out for you too.

[waitingforlove]

Hi girls!! I'm also in the exact situation as the two of you! I think from what I've read from your posts, though, you two are doing much better than I am. At least you have the strength to keep no contact. I agree that is the best thing to do, except that I myself always end up failing to do that. I think you're on the right track. Just try to show that you're strong and you can live without him. Don't contact him for a while, and I hope both of your boyfriends will come back to you!!

Good luck and keep me posted!!

[panthera_leo]

Well im going to be really unoriginal and say... i've been in the same place as you guys.

 

After being in your situation, the main peice of advice i have is to leave him alone. Unfortunately, both guys and girls go through this stage. You cant control them, you cant change how they feel because they wont change - not in the near future anyway. They wish to enhance their life, gain more experience, "flee the nest" and sometimes being tied down in a relationship doesn't allow that.

 

Insomnie - i was just like you when we first broke up. I wanted him to come back, i wanted it to work. While you're feeling like this YOU CANT MOVE FORWARD. As hard as it is, u need to accept that he "needs" to do this and the only chance of reconciliation is if you truely let go.

 

Just have in the back of your mind - if he loves you he will return, but please dont dwell on it. I think you should give it a few months with no contact. Just to let your feelings settle.

[insomnie]

Thanks for replying, you guys. Until now I didn't realize just how many people were going through the exact same thing I was, and reading your posts has made me feel better and more understanding of the situation- though I am really sorry you all have had to deal with the same thing! It sucks so bad....to love someone SO MUCH yet to have absolutley no control over the situation...

 

I think I've decided that I don't want to hang out wiht him this week like he suggested. Being friends right now isn't really an option...what would I be getting out of the friendship except for prolonged heartbreak? I mean, I still want to get him back, so I won't be able to be myself around him, like I would around a friend, because myself wants to have sex with him and have him love me and that really isn't an option right now. Plus, I think staying in that kind of touch won't help our chances at real reconcilliation - even if we got back togehter, it would be short-lived because the problems would still be there. Right now, I need to work on getting a life so that I am not as needy as I was, not as dependent on him for happiness. I don't htink I can stay in touch with him while doing all that, though. Too hard, with all the hope. Besides, I am afraid that if I enter the friends zone I'll be there to stay.

 

 

So new question is, how do I tell him I don't want to see him as a friend without implying that I want to get back together (pressuring him) or hurting his feelings/ making him think I hate him? I'd like to stay in touch online or something but I am thinking seeing him in person right now would be disasterous for our chances at a romantic relationship.

 

 

We need some space. That's the only way it can work. And if more space will mean he will forget all about me, as I fear....well, then it wasn't meant to be.

[milokins]

I am also going through the exact same thing right now. I am trying no contact and have to fight everyday not to call him. When he ended things he told me he loved me but he can't be in a relationship right now (says he can't be there for me the way I need him to be). He asked if we could still talk and I just let him know that it would hurt me too much because my feelings for him are so strong. I don't know if this was the right decision or not but he wasn't angry and he got the message that I still love him.

 

I think staying in touch online is a mistake. Make him miss you, we can do it together.

 

p.s. How could he possibly forget about the person he loved for 2 years of his life?

[Guest]

So it seems the general consensus is to keep NC. I thought so too. It just seems so immature to go to such lengths as blocking him online to keep NC... but I don't know how else to do it.

[waitingforlove]

Hey insomnie, I know what you're talking about. You don't want to hurt his feelings, but you also need to think about what's best for you right now. It sounds like you and I have a similar personality. So I totally understand your feelings right now, and I'm going through the same thing myself. I'd say, either only send him a very brief reply when he emails you or talk for a couple minutes if he calls you. Don't initiate contact yourself. Keep your response to him friendly but very brief. You don't have to tell him explicitly that you want NC. He'll get the message. But with you still being friendly and nice when he calls, he would probably wonder, "what's she really thinking? Is she moving on now? Does she miss me?" There's a theory in psychology (I don't remember the name of it), but essentially what it is, is that if somebody tries to get something, and he NEVER gets it, he will stop trying to get it after a while. You don't want to get to that point, believe me! However, if this person tries to get something, and there are times when he'll get it, and other times when he won't, it will actually increase the likelihood that he'll keep trying to get the thing that he wants. In other words, if you sometimes reply to him, sometimes don't; if you're friendly but not "all over him," that would make him still hang on to you, and yet at the same time feel unsure whether you want him back. It's only when he starts to be afraid of you not wanting him anymore that he will probably come around, in my opinion. Good luck; I hope it will work out for you!

[milokins]

I think it's Skinner's theory of positive and negative reinforcement. Very good point waiting. By saying no contact I meant not initiating contact. I agree that if he contacts you it's okay to talk to him.