girlfriend in jail - i turned her in

May 24, 2006

This has been a long time coming, but I was with a girl for 2.5 years. She had a ten year old son and is on probation for 2 DWI's. She had them both before i met her. Well, needless to say, she was caught drinking last August (2005) and then it was told to her PO that she was drinking again recently. She failed an ETG test which goes back 80 hours.

So they told her they recommended her for inpatient rehab on 4/24. On 5/12 she drank again and was out of the county with me. I had a mild heart attack (if ther eis such a thing) and she didn;t even come to the hospital. When I got home, she called and said she couldn;t get there, no transportation, my family really can;t stand her. Really no excuse, but anyway, she said she'd call me later and never did. So I called her like 5 times and then the cops called me and told me that she wants to be left alone. So I explained what happened and said fine. She then changed her number.

So, I'm so pissed and think she finally went off the deep end (she is bipolar and not on meds and also borderline personality disorder with C-PTSD) and I'll never hear from her again. I'd had it with her and treating people like s*** because she is mentally ill and an alcoholic. Sleeping all the time, her son sits there doing nothing while she sleeps and he eats chef boy r dee every night. So, I called the director of probation because she needs help. I showed him email's of her devotion to me when she isn;t off her rocker, all from this month and also a picture of us in front of pepsi arena in albany on 5/12. I also wrote a letter that told them everything she has done and that she needs a wake up call if she is to ever be rehabilitated.

Well, she called me Saturday and Sunday both and wanted to talk on Monday night. I didn;t get a call. I called the local jail and sure as s***, she was in jail for violating probation. I have not talked to her because cell phones do not accept collect calls and I don;t know if she'd call me anyway in light of the circumstances. Her family came up and took all her stuff and pulled the kid out of school and took him to tennessee. It is absolutely disgusting when they could have let him finish the year, 3 weeks left and was set to stay with one of her friends while she did her 28 days.

Well, now, she is in jail instead, since Monday, and they brought her in front of the judge yesterday... back to jail no bail, new court date on 6/5. I was trying to exercise tough love, but I didn;t think they would send her to jail, she could do a year and lose her kid (she doesn;t take care of him anyway).

So I guess my question (and yes I know you'll all say let it go, get away from it) is do you think she wants to kill me for this? Has anyone had this experience? Or is she sitting there realizing her way of life was detrimental to everyone around her?

thanks

May 24, 2006

Yes, she is probably PISSED OFF at you, but you did the best thing for her. Her way of handling her life, her way of thinking is really messed up..So, hopefully this IS a HUGE wakeup call for her to get her s*** together, fix herself by going to AA and rehab, and getting back on meds, seeing a therapist on a regular basis due to her depression/bipolar.

This probably was going to happen to her eventually, you may have just sped up the process.

I think you did the right thing...I do feel so bad for her child.

May 24, 2006

Yeah so should I write her or not? Some one told me that in time she will forgive me for this and see it was the right thing and thank me in the end. I know she will miss me and yes the victim here is her child. Her family are dumb as a box of rocks also. She's the only one with HS diploma. They all drive trucks and for different companies all the time. She had a terrible upbringing, and really no family her ein NY. They are all in Tennessee with dueling banjos

Anyway, I would like to see her but I have no idea if I am on her list of visitors. Who knows. Pretty sad.

May 24, 2006

I would give it some time before writing her. You also need time to detach and heal, just as she does. You don't want to be her punching bag (emotionally speaking) and her scapegoat right now for her problems. If you contact her too soon, all her anger and hate will be thrown your way. You are prepared for that??? You don't deserve it.

May 24, 2006

I'm split on how i feel about this..

I think turning her in might've had some good impact.. but if she loses her child then I believe you went too far..

A punishment must fit the crime..

She is someone that you are supposed to have feelings for and as that you are supposed to protect her..

Well setting up that she goes to jail and loses her child isn't protecting someone..

you could've done an intervention..

I think you need to leave her alone.. leave her alone.. you have already done enough.

Let her put her life together from here on out.. you might have acted out of love.. but i think you were just mad...

You have to look yourself in the mirror every day..

May 24, 2006

I'm split on how i feel about this..

I think turning her in might've had some good impact.. but if she loses her child then I believe you went too far.

So are you saying a 10 year old child should live with a single mother with no parenting skills, who never cooks dinner or helps him with homework? She doesn;t even go to his BASEBALL games half the time. Guess who does all that? ME. Also, he is safe, the rednecks yanked him out of school yesterday from here midday with a loaded trailer and said, "come on you're moving to Tennessee". You have got to be kidding me if you think that is "fine".

That kid was in the worst environment you could ever see... her sleeping right after work until his bedtime almost everyday. Her sleeping until 3 PM on weekends... and not even feeling guilty about it. On top of that, I was the ASSH0LE for alerting her to the fact that she is ruining her own son with her lack of attentiveness and poor examples of what life is about.

This WAS the intervention because PREVIOUS interventions didn;t work. Also, her family, dumb as a box of rocks, they make excuses for her. He's 30, not 18, and she needs to get her s*** together for her son. So when she has her family not caring and acting like what she is doing is ok and excusable because she is "depressed", that's bulls***. So now I'm the enemy. In the end, she'll see that her family, stright out of the movie Deliverance, were the ones that steered her wrong... NOW AND IN THE PAST.

I'm glad you think children should be subjected to laziness and no routine whatsoever. Have a good day.

May 25, 2006

I think the OP did the right thing. First, DUI kills & horribly maims lots of innocent people each year. This woman is simply scum for continuing to do it a 2nd time, and then still drinking despite her sentence. Second, if his description is remotely accurate, she has no business being near a child let alone bringing one up. So she ought to lose the child, and either relatives or good foster/adoptive parents should take her.

Finally, ppl in this state only snap out of it once they have hit rock bottom. So in the long run you've almost certainly done her a favour by unintentionally landing her in jail. If a year inside won't shock her out of it, nothing will.

May 25, 2006

I'm glad you think children should be subjected to laziness and no routine whatsoever. Have a good day.

Get a grip... it was my opinion on your couple of paragraphs that you posted..

I myself am an Alcoholic that understands addiction.. but I also understand going to far..

You are now painting yourself that you saved this childs life.. you may also have messed it up.. if her mother is gone..

Sometimes a bad mother can be better than no mother at all..

I'm glad that you think you had the right to turn her in.. you were angry with her..

You didn't do it for the child.. you did it for revenge because she hurt you.. or was hurting you

That is wrong .. In My Opinion

I'm not saying that there isn't good that will come from what you did.. hopefully she will clean up her life.. but I don't think you had your heart in it when you did it

By the way.. you were the BF.. Not the husband or father.. Correct ? and by the names you have called her and the tone in your voice you seem angry not worried about her..

May 25, 2006

Bottom line is that she wouldn't be in jail if there wasn't enough probable cause for her arrest. Innocent until proved guilty right?

That being said, I think her pattern of behavior, as you describe it probably means she is guilty of violating her parole.

As for the child, I think it is better for him not to see his mother destroying her life and being irresponsible and also think it is unfortunate that the rellies from Deliverance got him. Where is CPS when a child needs them?

From what you describe of this womans mental condition I'd have to ask you what you were thinking being involved with her in the first place? She's hot right?

Don't contact her ever, forget about her and move on, if she tries to contact you don't respond. She has had 3 DWI's and that my friend is a strong indicator of no hope for her alcoholism.

If you want to see tomorrow, take a look at yesterday.

May 25, 2006

If you want to see tomorrow, take a look at yesterday.

That is a great quote Craig...

May 25, 2006

Yeah great quote. i got together with her because she was sweet, loving, caring, and good looking. Then the more I learned about her, the more f-ed up it got. I felt bad for her. I played the rescuer, until she finally snapped. My description is 100% accurate. It's just a shame to see this happen. She will be getting a bed soon in rehab.

To mr high and mighty, if it didn;t happen now, it would have certainly happened soon enough and the kid would have had to go through more of her neglect. Regardless, SHE f**ked her life up and his, not me.

May 25, 2006

That is a great quote Craig...

Great song too!

May 25, 2006

Yeah great quote. i got together with her because she was sweet, loving, caring, and good looking. Then the more I learned about her, the more f-ed up it got. I felt bad for her. I played the rescuer, until she finally snapped. She didn;t want to clean up. She didn;t care about her son. My description is 100% accurate. It's just a shame to see this happen. She will be getting a bed soon in rehab.

To mr high and mighty, if it didn;t happen now, it would have certainly happened soon enough and the kid would have had to go through more of her neglect. Regardless, SHE f**ked her life up and his, not me. I didn;t save a f**king thing, nor is it my place to.

She had 2 dwi's, not 3 though. No better...

May 25, 2006

Sadly, people who don't want to be rescued just will feed off of those who try to help them. You got burned big time and until she see's how f**ked up she is, life will continue this way for her.

Look after yourself and let her figure it out.

I do have say, A_C is harsh sometimes, but it's called tough love. Sometimes harsh advice has to be given to open the eyes. He cares enough to have stopped and read your thread...If he didn't he wouldn't have posted.

I know you may not like what he said, but take it in stride. Many people post here on LS, and you'll get good advice and bad advice...Tough love and not tough love. To be honest, I'd rather have "In your face" TL words than someone telling me awwwwwww poor baby, I feel so sad for you, it will be better...

Good luck and I hope things settle down with her down the road.

May 25, 2006

She definitely knows that she ruined her kid's childhood. She definitely wants to see you dead if she knows you turned her in. She is definitely unhappy in jail. Geez I felt imprisoned in the hospital where I spent one week or two at a time when I was pregnant.

You don't mess up with the police unless you really hate someone and want to harm them, rather than help them. If you want to help them - you help them with other ideas. What did you think the police would do? They arrest when you break your probation. And when you break your probation you go to jail.

Anyway, don't feel guilty. Perhaps everything will turn out just fine, depending on whether the kid will be happy with the new family or not. At least he will get to live without the drama.

Don't expect her to change, she is mentally ill. It's chemical imbalance that controls her behavior. She is very weak and rehabilitation centers mist likely wouldn't help her. There are no wake-up calls for mentally ill addicts or alcoholics.

Perhaps it would've been better if you only talked to the local social worker, someone nice and willing to help and understand the situation, but at least you made a change in the kid's life. You did it wishing to do a good deed and that's what matters when it comes to guilt.

May 25, 2006

I give you a standing ovation starmap!! You most definately made the right decision in my opinion anyways.

Don't let anyone make you feel bad about taking the boys mother away from him. He wasn't getting any attention and worst of all, he was being taught that its ok to be a no good lazy drunk ass.

I completely dissagree w/art. A bad mother is better than no mother??? What kind sense is in that? What about the kids raised by uncles and aunts and older siblings because their parents were too strung out on drugs or in and out of jail?

It doesn't make any difference why you turned her in. Whether or not you did it out of anger or concern. It's what you did that counts. Not why you did it. Again, JMO. She was going to go though her life w/this self disrupting path and her son would end up just like her or even worse, end up w/a mother dead from drunk driving.

*side note* are you the same person that posted about the neighbors calling your gf's PO? Just curious.

May 25, 2006

I completely dissagree w/art. A bad mother is better than no mother??? What kind sense is in that?

You are missing the point to my posts.. my point is that he didn't do it for the child.. he did it out of vengence or revenge to get back at her..

He was with her 2.5 years.. the DWI's happeneed before he was with her..

Well he didn't have a problem with her and the way she raised the child or the DUI's for 2.5 years but he does finally have a problem with it when the police call him and tell him to leave her alone..

( I think there is a whole lot of the story missing.. Police don't call you and ask you to leave someone alone for no reason.. I think we're missing the stalking part..the call happens sometimes right before a Restraining Order is given)

She may be a drunk.. but she still is allowed to live her life the way she sees fit..

I don't think getting anybody in trouble for revenge is a good thing..

He also didn't call child services.. he should've done that if he was concerned for the child.. instead he calls her Parole Officer.. knowing it would get her in trouble..

I think it was a selfish act that might have some good things happen..

May 25, 2006

You are missing the point to my posts.. my point is that he didn't do it for the child.. he did it out of vengence or revenge to get back at her..

He was with her 2.5 years.. the DWI's happeneed before he was with her..

Well he didn't have a problem with her and the way she raised the child or the DUI's for 2.5 years but he does finally have a problem with it when the police call him and tell him to leave her alone..
( I think there is a whole lot of the story missing.. Police don't call you and ask you to leave someone alone for no reason.. I think we're missing the stalking part..the call happens sometimes right before a Restraining Order is given)
She may be a drunk.. but she still is allowed to live her life the way she sees fit..

I don't think getting anybody in trouble for revenge is a good thing..

He also didn't call child services.. he should've done that if he was concerned for the child.. instead he calls her Parole Officer.. knowing it would get her in trouble..

I think it was a selfish act that might have some good things happen..

yeah i agree with this post! The police don't just phone people stating to leave people alone after a couple of calls. Restraining orders don't appear for no reason!!

Starmap3 you didn't say if you had any children. If you have none then i don't think it is fair for you judge how a child should be brought up. If you do then everyone brings their children up differently, anyway that child was her child not yours.

Don't you think there could of been some other way you could of helped her not just get her thrown in prison because of something you said.

I feel so sorry for her even though she wasn't leading a very good life, you should have tried harder if you care about some1 a lot then you will do anything for them

May 25, 2006

I take it this is the same gf and you changed your story about who actually turned her in??????? Or is this a new event of her being turned into her parole officer??????

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t88305/

May 25, 2006

I take it this is the same gf and you changed your story about who actually turned her in??????? Or is this a new event of her being turned into her parole officer??????

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t88305/

I was wondering about that myself.. I was re-reading the old post last night and was confused as to which story was correct

May 25, 2006

Police don't call you and ask you to leave someone alone for no reason.. I think we're missing the stalking part..

AC it is very easy for a woman to make a false stalking claim and it happens on a regular basis.

The OP may have been called by the police and told to leave his GF alone because at that point it was a she said/he said kind of thing. Police do that to prevent escalations of domestic situations.

May 25, 2006

AC it is very easy for a woman to make a false stalking claim and it happens on a regular basis.

Yes this is very true.. but he didn't say he wasn't bothering her..

Also an abusive man or stalker will always blame the other partner for the mess.. which is what he is doing..

Also this all takes place after the breakup..they were no longer together when he decided to enact his revenge..

My point all along has been that he didn't act out of love.. listen to his own words.. he says he is very angry.. he calls her names.. and he explains all her mental issues.. he never once accepts blame.. all he does is place it.

I'm not saying that she isn't a drunk.. or that she is a stellar mother.. I don't think Alcohol and child raising go together.. but we are not in her shoes..

The child is 10 years old.. so the child was 7.5 when he started dating her.. I think that if she was such a bad mother that she wouldn't have made it thru over half of the childs raising.. where was he when she was raising the child till age 7.5 ?..

It would be interesting to hear her side of this story.

May 25, 2006

*side note* are you the same person that posted about the neighbors calling your gf's PO? Just curious.

Yes I sure am. It's been one thing after the other and when she pulled that s*** last week, that was the last time she was going to do that to someone. Especially the broken promises to her son, etc.

I wrote her a letter Tuesday and Wednesday and if she calls or writes, she calls or writes. If I don;t hear anything by next Wednesday, I'll stop writing.

Like I said, I do care about her. I love her. She has done many bad things. I'm not making excuses for her but her f***ed up way of thinking is because of 28 years of f***ed up living prior to me. That's a fact, and I hope that she gets what she needs. If that involves me way down the road, then so be it. If not, then so be it.

and to A_C... that was the story. She is mentally incapacitated. I don;t know what you don;t get about it. For 2.5 years I have picked up the slack for her because I felt bad for the kid and no child deserves that neglect./ In the end, I enabled her. Also, in the end, when I began to challenge her on her parenting, she got really salty and it started going downhill. Regardless, there is not anything "missing" from the story. She is insane. Period. Possibly schitzophrenic even. She did this on wednesday and changes her number and then calls ME MULTIPLE TIMES OVER THE WEEKEND. Then she went to jail. That's the story.

Again, I coached the kids baseball team for two years, I paid all the bills, they lived with me, I helped the kid with his homework and he started getting better grades, I cooked, I cleaned, etc. She did nothing. I helped them, I didn;t hurt them. Also, this is a totally different situation than the post about the neighbors. They have since admitted calling her in. This isn;t a DV issue. It's an issue of someone who is incapable of parenting and they moved out a few months ago and it just got worse. I don;t know what else to say other than I didn;t do anything. It is possible for one person to give and give and give and the other takes and takes and takes, and that's what we had here. Don;'t even bother with "why didn;t you just dump her then". BI POLAR. Get it? One day it was fine, then the next it was hell. I stuck by her, which is more than I can say for most a**h***s today.

p.s. she didn;t raise the kid, an aunt from her former husband's family did who lived upstairs.

I'm off the Pearl Jam in Jersey.

later

May 25, 2006

BI POLAR. Get it?

Yes.. My Ex Wife is Bipolar.. We were married for 5 years.. so i do get it..

That doesn't change my opinion..

No matter .. you need to get her out of your life.. go find someone that doesn't have the issues like you have had to deal with..

May 25, 2006

I wouldn;t expect it to change your opinion. I just tried to tell you that I tried and failed in playing an enabling rescuing idiot. Also that, yeah, this was a situation where there is nothing I'm not telling you. She'd tear it down and I'd try to keep it from falling apart. Sitting in jail is a good way to work things out in your head, and that is what she will do. Hopefully they will not make her go to jail and will send her to rehab for an extended period of time as an alternative that will help her more in the long run.

I feel for her, believe me. It sucks.

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girlfriend in jail - i turned her in

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