Self-Indulgent Moping / Pity Party

[In Sync]

KittenMoon,

It's so sad when anyone here is having a hard time, but I believe getting through this is part of the process. Am I correct in that you've had recent contact with the ex, still...sweetheart this has got to stop. I am in total agreement with bendit and establishing hardcore NC. Ok, for some people they can handle it...but for some people it really can screw you up. Now what is this?

 

I have nothing to offer him except frustration. In his life, there is no longer anything special about me.

 

I, on the other hand, have not been able to fill any of the holes he left in me with anyone else. I have more needs than he does, so it's harder for me.

 

Who the hell is this guy that you could even concern yourself that "there is no longer anything special about me." These words are so poisonous and the mere thought that they are in your head is detrimental to your inner being. YOU HAVE EVERYTHING TO OFFER...and it is his loss not to be able to see it. The fact that you can even cry over his ass is a sign he should be grateful to you.

You have made this guy some god-like person in your world and until you let go of this you will not be able to free yourself from these burdensome thoughts. It is true that he left a void, but I must emphasize this is where your will power to get past him is crucial. He is a small speck of dust in your galaxy. Your needs are not a negative but they demand a man who can handle you. AND that's ok, but there is someone out there who can, but until then basks in your own beauty- in your own sensitivity and never see yourself as less than worthy by anyone standards. NEVER EVER.

[KittenMoon]

Who the hell is this guy that you could even concern yourself that "there is no longer anything special about me." These words are so poisonous and the mere thought that they are in your head is detrimental to your inner being. YOU HAVE EVERYTHING TO OFFER...and it is his loss not to be able to see it. The fact that you can even cry over his ass is a sign he should be grateful to you.

 

The preceeding three words are important there, In Sync (In his life...) but I get your point.

 

I just want everyone to know this really isn't about HIM. When I see him (and Sat will be the last time in the foreseeable future now that the wedding is over thank god) I am mostly just think "pathetic". He's weak emotionally and he shifts blame in his life for ALL his problems onto the most convinient target in his life: school, work, me. It's like a game of The Weakest Link. He's not a god to me. He's human. He's pretty much a stupid dork, esp. in giving me up. Because I know I'm pretty much an ideal gf. I've said stuff like this before, but he's giving up a girl that can talk anything from politics to art to James Bond to porn, while cooking a 5 course meal for ten people, and then kick your but in a round of Nintendo. I encompass pizza to foie gras, thrift store to Fifth Avenue, GWAR to Rachmaninov.

 

He offered a life I wanted. He was a person I enjoyed. He was NORMAL. And I liked that. I liked our dynamic. And it just hurts so much that it's gone now.

 

Anyways, I'l probably cry again tonight but I'm gonna tru\y do do some productive work on my novel for my writing group.

[Outcast]

The ex was always trying to get me to take meds for depression, which is probably the biggest reason I'm against taking them. If I do, in my mind, he's won that battle.

 

This is called 'cutting off your nose to spite your face'. It's a very poor rationalization, IMHO.

 

What if he'd spotted symptoms of a heart problem or a stroke? Would you die just so you wouldn't admit he was right? Really. Rethink this - it's not wise to avoid help just to spite someone who's not even around.

[KittenMoon]

This is called 'cutting off your nose to spite your face'. It's a very poor rationalization, IMHO.

 

What if he'd spotted symptoms of a heart problem or a stroke? Would you die just so you wouldn't admit he was right? Really. Rethink this - it's not wise to avoid help just to spite someone who's not even around.

 

That kid couldn't spot depression if it sat on his face. When he and his mom fought all the time in high school, she went on Prozac and things improved. He was just trying to do the same quick fix so he wouldn't have to change any of his actions. To him, depression seems to mean any sort of sad emotion that persists longer than 5 min. It's a little scary that I can only think of a handful of times over six years he was ever really sad. It's just easier for him to bury it.

 

And I'm personally opposed to solving things short of violent behavior or suicidal tendencies with pills. IMO, medication is society's crutch. Oops, I'm a little sad, give me a pill. It's like prescribing morphine for mild headaches. If I sill feel like this in six months, maybe I'll give it a try. Until then I'd rather have natural misery than unnatural apathy.

[Pantero]

Right on the money. I know everyone's circumstances are different. My situation is such that NC can be implemented very easily (we have no common friends, don't go to the same hang-outs, etc). I don't need to nor want to be in touch with him at this point. If I were, it absolutely would cause setbacks and confusion.

Not to hijack the thread, but you were lucky. My NC extended to mutual friends as well. I seriously have spent the past 3 months alone and immersed in nothing but my work (not necessarily by choice). My "best" friends are all dating my ex's best friends. I still, to this day, harbor anger towards all of them. Rational? Probably not, but I could give a f-ck less. Is some of it missplaced anger? I know some of it is, but I'm the one who was tagged-out and locked-out, so selfish as it seems, screw them all. When I'm fine and over it all, I'll resurface. Not a single one of my so-called friends ever decided to check-in with me to see how things were. Makes you wonder...

 

But anyway - NC in general has gotten me out there. I've made some new friends...haven't started dating yet, but I know I'm ready. Aside from the random mass emails and dumb-ss forwards they send, I've no contact with them and I'm okay with that.

 

But I'm an exception.

 

Now in Kitten's case - I'll venture to say that it's a phase and that this could be the big hump you really needed to get over before fully implementing NC and starting a serious healing/self-focusing process.

 

This will all work out for you. We're all in this together.

[KittenMoon]

Wow. NOT doing any better this morning, because my brain apparently hates me. Monday night I dreamed about him dating another girl. Last night I dreamed we got back together. I wake up in utter despair, because even in my dreams I realize how fake it is.

 

Back to the medication thing. I stopped my birth control pills several months back to hopefully reduce my mood swings. Maybe they're not all out of my system yet, but I certainly don't feel any better. Plus, after several light periods, I'm bleeding like its my job. Which is probably a good source of depression, fatigue, and bad dreams. Oh, and I will probably have to work late for the next several weeks.

 

I'd like to think it can't get any worse, but I very well know it can, so I'm not going to tempt fate.

[Philipek]

Wow. NOT doing any better this morning, because my brain apparently hates me. Monday night I dreamed about him dating another girl. Last night I dreamed we got back together. I wake up in utter despair, because even in my dreams I realize how fake it is.

 

Back to the medication thing. I stopped my birth control pills several months back to hopefully reduce my mood swings. Maybe they're not all out of my system yet, but I certainly don't feel any better. Plus, after several light periods, I'm bleeding like its my job. Which is probably a good source of depression, fatigue, and bad dreams. Oh, and I will probably have to work late for the next several weeks.

 

I'd like to think it can't get any worse, but I very well know it can, so I'm not going to tempt fate.

 

Stay clear of medication. Don't trust it. I was once given Seroxat. It was supposed to be a prosac substitute. But it has side effects. It sends you crazy. I ended up slicing my arms with a razor, drinking a bottle of Merlot and eating a bottle of aspirin. I woke up in Intensive Care wondering why I was there. I wasn't even that depressed. It turns out that this particular drug has a long history of hideous side effects and I am one of millions of victims the world over. I think its even banned in the UK.

 

But, at the end of the day, drugs are like a bandaid on a cut. They might stop the bleeding, for a while, but the cut still remains and they don't heal it, just help you forget its there for a while. Bad idea. Embrace the pain, let it produce something creative. It's better to let the wound bleed and let it heal in its own good time.

 

I am not good at advice. Giving or recieving. But I do know this: Don't let this chemical sh*t in your brain. In the long term it can do more good than harm.

 

Besides, what is depression? I am depressed and no amount of chemistry is going to change the situation in which I find myself. Only I can do that.

[KittenMoon]

Thanks all the the support over the last few days. I'm mostly evened out now. Back to the "normal" level of depression (mainly over the break-up).

 

Actually, I had a personal revelation today. I finally answered the question that plagues me: What will make you happy? I had never had an answer before. It hit me today, not one thing, but a combination of little things I love come together into the vision of what I would like my future life to be. It's too much to type out, but its failry simplistic, more simplistic than I imagined. I realized I had felt like i should be wanting more than I actually wanted.

 

The hard part is that my imagined life is essentially the life my ex would have handed me. The life he wanted to hand me for years. And I thought I wanted something more, more adverturous, more seductive, etc. More sex, drugs and rock 'n roll. But I don't. I just don't. I should have taken it when he offered it and been happy. I may have truly f***ed up my first chance at happiness because I thought I wanted more.

 

But I'm telling myself I can still have this life. If he offered it, someone else will as well. Or I can build it up around me and see who wanders in to share it. It's hard, I still want it with him, I still can't get past him, I still think about him a lot and I'm afraid he's going to indulge in destructive behavior because he feels he's missed out. I'm sick wondering what he's doing and who he's doing it with. But I know it's not my biz (PLEASE for the love of god don't point this out to me, I hate thinking about the fact our lives are utterly unentwined now, so please just let me say it to myself I don't want to hear it from anyone else).

 

And it's hard because I'm not living the life I want and I really won't be able to for a long time. I'm transitioning and it's rubbing me raw because I'm just not happy because I don't feel like my life is MY life.

 

I know what I want. I just hope I can move towards it.

[alphamale]

I know what I want. I just hope I can move towards it.

Don't worry KM...be happy

[KittenMoon]

DAMMIT. DAMMIT. DAMMIT. I back slid again this morning. I can't even believe how sad I get. He was in my dreams again last night. I can't stand this! He's not even that great! But I can't remember any of his short-comings, all I remember is happy times. All I can remember is him smiling at me when he watched me doing things that made him happy. Its always something stupid. Like how happy he seemed watching me get excited over animals at the zoo. Nothing is fun like that anymore. Nothing. No matter how much I do, nothing comes close to the happiness of doing mundane things with him.

 

I can't think of any of the fights or mean stuff he said.Why? Because I know that stuff happens in relationships and I accept it!!!! You get angry, you fight, but that's all it is, it doesn't mean you don't love someone. I used to be so confident that when we fought, we'd just make up. For YEARS. The last few months of our relationship when we fought it was like I was just waiting for the axe to fall. Suddenly, I just meant nothing, I meant less than nothing, I was actually a bad thing.

 

Why did I just become an obligation? WHy did I drag him down? Why did he forget how he loved me and start feeling like he had just missed opportunity by being with me. Why did everything else bad in his life escape his anger and frustration?!!! I was the best thing he had going for him, no matter what he thinks!!!!!

 

I don't want anyone else. I can't stand the idea of being with anyone else, it makes me sick.

 

Ok, now ignore this. I'm just very sad and venting. This is NEVER going to go away. I want to move out of town and put a few hundred miles between us but I can't.

[andyp6]

KM, just to say you are not alone here. My situation is different from a practical perspective, but emotionally I'm going through EXACTLY the same. I want her back, need her, nothing else will compare.....

 

I'm taking it in short periods of time, I don't agree with meds too, even though I've been at the lowest of low, still am I guess but not suicidal anymore. It's tough, I miss the little things too, all of them, my x and I didnt fight, ever, not once, so I don't have that experience, but emotionally I'm smashed.

 

I've found that wriing my hurt down, in here a lot, helps, keeps me going, people support you, and for a guy, to get a womans perspective on things is very important. I screwed up the best thing ever in my life and I have to live with it, I know the feelings about being with other people, im there right now.

 

The reason for writing this is to tell you you are not alone, even if like me you sit at home most evenings on your own, we are still not alone. Sometimes the tears flow freely but I've found reading LS, understanding or at least trying to, what people are saying, is helping me get out of the lowest time in my life.

 

I know what we NEED to do...chin up, smile (even forced), keep high spirited (in public at least)...just doing it it tough, but I try, we all need to do that.

 

With you

 

Andy

[gypsygal44]

Kitten,

 

I totally understand your mindset right now. I was married for over 20 yrs. and have a beautiful 12 yr. old son. So no matter what happened I still have to have some contact with my ExH.

 

I too, went through and am still kind of going thru, depression because of this. It hurt like hell when he said he wanted a divorce and did not even want to consider marriage counseling. This was 2 months after my father passed away. I chased him and went balistic. I tried everything (wrongly) to keep my marriage and family together. He was seeing OW, she is married with 2 kids. She lies and says she is divorced and has had cancer off and on for 7 yrs. All lies. I think she really believes them.

 

I spent alot of time this past year wondering what she had that I didn't. Also wondering what they were doing and if they were happy. All kinds of negetive thoughts. Wasn't helping me and wasn't hurting them. They moved on with whatever kind of life they want.

 

This forum has helped me greatly. To see that the problem lies within him and not me. I did everything I could to save my family life. I too, have happy memeories and false hope whenever he is nice to me. I don't think I really was happy these last few years but he destroyed my illusion of a family and marriage. He was seeing her for a number of years and I had no idea. So along with the pain came the ego bruising of feeling like an idiot. I can not waste anymore of my life on them or the thought of them. The only way to move on is to go NC for a while. That puts my son kinda of in the middle but I try not to. I write EXH letters explaining things about my son. I try to stay away from wherever he may be.

 

It has helped. I also thank god for the people on this site. They have been a god send to me. Like you, all my family and friends are tired of hearing about my pain. Here no one judges, they all understand.

 

Good Luck and I know you will make it. We all take whatever time it takes to grieve in our own way.

 

Gypsy

[KittenMoon]

Ok, a confession:

 

I have such screwed up fear. I am totally terrified that he's going to become this indulgent, thrill-seeking slut of a guy. He mentioned wanting to meet girls at bars and having "missed opportunities" because of dating me. This is totally against his nature, but I'm still afraid the person I knew has disappeared completely- that he's been replaced by some skeazy skanky guy who just wants to play around with whatever he can get. HE was the one who didn't want to sleep with me for over a year when we were dating. HE was the one who wanted to marry me. Where did THAT person go?

 

Now I know saying and doing are two different things. That our imaginations sometimes look a lot better than actually doing something in real life. When we broke up, I was excited about new prospects as well, but it's looking a lot less exciting now... I'd rather have the familiar love of that dork than any number of lusty oiled up studs.

 

Once again, don't point out it's not my business. I know. So shush. Doesn't change how I feel. He was different- which attracted me. Now he's just like any guy I could pick of the street.

 

It hurts that someone can go from "I want to marry you" to "I missed out" in the space of six months. Especially when it was more than a little my fault.

 

I don't know. Veeeeennnnnttttiinnnng.

 

My imagination sucks too. Mainly because I know up until now, most of what he is doing was school work, applying to jobs, working, and playing geeky tabletop games. And crying.