monural_plural Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 I do NOT play games. I believe with my heart that the girl I've been dating for 7 weeks does not either (I have met many of her good friends, and they tell me to take care of her because she is a kind soul). She has always treated me with respect and answered my calls. We have both shown our relatives to each other, each side of the family likes us. We have been both intimate with each other in many ways, and the attraction level has been intense. Up until last week, the week of a big meeting for her at work. I am 30, she is 22. Here are the problems: 1) She is currently separated, getting ready for a divorce from an abusive husband. He is still verbally threatening her and her family members. 2) Her job is in peril. Someone at work is trying to take away her job via intimidation. Either way, she feels like she will have to work 7 days a week so her reputation isn't changed. To her, her job is all she has ,it is her monetary support. The bottom line, she does not want to pursue a relationship with me further, since she has way to many things to deal with. I felt this vibe for a week, and finally got it from her. She wants to be 'just friends' for now... She likes me a lot and enjoys time with me. We really have had lots of fun. I still talk to one of her guy friends. I told her I can't be friends, it's like going backwards. I told her to contact me when she was ready to have a serious relationship, and I wouldn't bother her at all. I'd let her get what she needs to get done. The same night, she called my cousin asking why I wasn't picking up the phone (I never received a text message or call). My cousin told me about this by calling me. I then received a text message asking if I was "Going to completely ignore her, and totally cut her out of my life", and I called her to reiterate my point. She then said that she has no intentions of finding someone else, if we were friends, and that she couldn't provide for a relationship when she has so much going on. The ball is now in my court, as the saying goes. What should I do?
Alexandra-Girl Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 As you said you both have been honest. This is essential and you are good man for doing so. You should also consider her a good women for being honest with you in return. She has too many things going right now. Not to mention, the load of heartbreak and broken dreams she must be realing over right now. A relationship between you two would be far superior when you both are capable of loving eachother (and her herself). Personally, I can say that I am exactly like your "girl" currently. I too have a man who is wanting more than what I can give... right now. We were honest with one another, as you two were. He has stated that he will be the man that I want him to be, but he has made his intentions known and will continue to do so respectfully. For this I am grateful. In fact, I find him more charming now that he is both understanding and willing to wait until I am ready. We continue to be friends for now. We do not spend "alone" time together, but as groups of friends. This personally, keeps me from feeling overwhelmed. And, when I am ready, he WILL be the first that I involve myself. I find him courageous, strong, and compassionate so why would I want to look else where when I am ready again. I say maintain contact, but keep it minimal (around once every two weeks). Give her updates about you, and ask for updates from her if she can -- Don't push though. Have hope and faith, I believe she will come around. If she is worth it to you, you'll find yourself giving her the time she needs to heal. Good-Luck, Alexandra
Outcast Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 She needs a friend right now - and what is a partner but a best friend in times of need? So be her friend - meaning don't put 'girlfriend' expectations on her to contact you and pay you all the attention a girlfriend would. This is your opportunity to show her that you are the kind of man who can be counted on to be supportive during tough times - a very attractive quality and one that makes for good spouse material.
waitingforlove Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 Hey, it doesn't even sound like this girl knows what she wants. With people who don't know what they want, usually they don't want what they have! So I think minimal contact is good. Let her know that SHE is the one who has to make up her mind. Also, by wanting to be "friends," she's keeping you in the background just in case she changes her mind. That's not fair to you. Let her think that you've moved on and when she gets scared that she might have lost you, she'll want you back! Good luck!
Author monural_plural Posted May 24, 2006 Author Posted May 24, 2006 I seriously am in conflict with this, as it either shows me as a 'chump' for caring, or not. I guess it comes down to putting trust into someone. I understand that she can't pay too much attention to me, but how much attention is too much?!? I wouldn't even ask for an hour of her time each day (we're long distance, 160 miles.) On the weekends, what would spending time with her on Saturday hurt? It didn't seem like she would even consider this. I live approximately 160 miles away from her. I play in a band (3 piece, I am guitarist and lead vocalist), and our first real big gig is this Sunday. She wanted to see me play. How would it look to others if she's there? I have to take care of my image. Today is also the day of her big 'meeting' where she finds out her fate. I'm getting antsy about all of it, because I like her. I don't want to be pushed around though. Any more advice? It would be kindly appreciated.
Alexandra-Girl Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 If you like this girl, what does it matter what others would think when she is there at your bands event? Invite her -- what's the worst that can happen, she says she can't make it. Remain friends - but, keep your intentions on the table (that you want something further when she is ready). Tell her. Ask her what she thinks is a decent amount of time to spend together. Let her give you the answers you are wanting. Once they are given, then decide what you are willing to live with at the moment. Good luck, Alexandra
Author monural_plural Posted May 25, 2006 Author Posted May 25, 2006 Well, I just spoke to her tonight for about a half hour. I believe that she thought I was getting too serious, and other things like her job were starting to add up. Little did she know I didn't try to get TOO serious, sometimes it is a natural response to someone with problems like she has, and let me say she looked really depressed and bad the day I saw her. She reiterated her point in that she feels when in a relationship she needs to give much, and anything right now is way too much for her to handle. She would not pursue a relationship right now, that's not the way she works. She has to get her divorce finalized (she is doing the paperwork) and make her job more secure. She just started anti-anxiety medication tonight (Serax (Oxazepam)). I didn't know she was that gone...I feel a little guilty... Just wanted to give more info...I'm starting to feel like I should let her be my friend, but with the condition of honest communication and that I trust that there is more in the future...but really will that work? I can wait for her because I see that she could be a great preson. Yay me for getting involved in a complicated relationship like this...
Author monural_plural Posted May 25, 2006 Author Posted May 25, 2006 As I learn more and more about dating, I am starting to see that advice is so hard to give, and the situation goes on gut feeling. I'm also learning that discussion does help, and gets us somewhere if we think logically. Check this out: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?p=932635&posted=1#post932635 I'll live, I've got many other pursuits, but I wanted to see what the best decision is. It's crazy that peoples perspectives differ so much!
Author monural_plural Posted May 31, 2006 Author Posted May 31, 2006 It was an interesting weekend without my ex, had a big party and my band played. It was tough to get through all this, and have to go up there and perform. On Monday, I learned she had called with my mom - they spoke for 1.5 hours. Among the things discussed were why she did what she did (divorce, job), and that she didn't want to hurt me. My mom hinted to me that she really liked me, but there was no mention of her calling me back. I'd like to have closure, but for her to call my mom and talk about this was a bit interesting. What is everyone's take on this?
Alexandra-Girl Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 Personally, you only dated for 7 weeks. Her call to your mother was ballsy. I would never had done that myself...She is clearly conflicted and looking for supporters right now. Not lovers. Give her space, she obviously needs it, and stick with the EXTREMELY minimal contact for now. Good luck and keep us updated. Alexandra.
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