phildo_baggins Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 Hi. I'm a 23 year old who is in his first serious relationship ever. This girl and I met at work about a year ago, had a whirlwind romance and moved in with each other. Things are generally fine but there are things that worry me, and piss me off. The first thing that really f***s with me is the fact that she talks to an ex-boyfriend of hers who was a boyfriend on and off throughout high school, cheated on her several times, and even let 4 of his cousins and himself RAPE her at a party. At the very beginning of when we started dating she had just cut off relations with him to be with me, but asked if she could keep him as a f*** buddy. I have since removed his name from our phone and for the time being she has no way of talking to him...am I wrong in doing this or just protecting myself? or is this a sign of horrible things to come? She is the first person I have ever been involved with physically, but she has had plenty of experience apparently involving threesomes, and bisexual behavior and general promiscuity. She has also had one failed marriage, supposedly because he cheated on her (this is not the same person mentioned above). She still talks to other ex boyfriends as well. Another thing bothering me is that I just started college and I no longer work with her at the same place and I know she is flirty with guys at the place where we used to work together. The other day she calls me at home from work asking when exactly I won't be home on specific days, and I ask her why she wants to know, and her response was "no reason". And now today I check the caller ID and a guys number from work is on there and I ask her what he's calling for and I get again "Oh, something we were talking about at work, no reason." is that innocent? am I too paranoid? HELP ME!!!
Tim'sAngel Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 Ok whoa.. Hunny!! Reread your post!! You mentioned several things that just spells trouble!! If you can't see them I will point them out to you: 1. She still talk to an ex boyfriend who raped her?? 2. She asked you if she could keep him as a f*** buddy even after you started dating?? (This doesn't even make sense, I hope I'm wrong) 3. She asks you for specific days you won't be home and says its for no reason. (FWI, women never ask things for no reason) 4. Your finding a mans number on your caller ID #1. just doesn't make sense. Her ex bf let his 4 cousins rape her and he also raped her and she is still friends w/him? Did this not pop a huge red flag in front of you?? SHe sounds psycho! #2 is just weird. Shes dating you but asks your permission if she can keep someone as a f*** buddy? Am I reading this right or what? If all the above is correct, then sweetie, you are either extremely naive or in serious denial!! IMO, you need to leave this girl behind!! She does not sound like relationship material at all!!
MrDarcy Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 I know this is not what you wanna hear, but you need to get out while you can! If all you have written is true then this girl is extremely bad news. What hurts me even more is that I think you are exactly what this girls needs, but I don't think she sees it that way and I doubt she will ever be able to have a normal relationship again. I can't say this for sure, but I feel there's a good chance that: 1. She will sleep with other guys behind your back or maybe even right in your face. 2. She will on some level humiliate, hurt, disrespect and take advantage of you.. Her being your first serious love and the first girl you've been with physically can make you feel very tied to her, but you have to break that bond. I feel your pain, I really do, but if things are as bad as you describe, you'll have to sever all ties. You will hurt a lot now, but it's nothing compared to the pain you'll feel if you stay with her. Be strong.
IrishCarBomb Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 Open your eyes. She has been sending you signals that she's a cheating whore for a while. Oddly enough... she may start to like you more if you reject her.
Author phildo_baggins Posted May 24, 2006 Author Posted May 24, 2006 As crazy as it sounds it's all true, and there's alot more. and yes when it comes to relationships I'm definitely new, and very naive...very little experience. Her parents are an entirely different story...they hate my guts and actively try to hook her up with people behind my back... She flirts with other guys non-stop and says she can't change it, that its part of her personality because she was a waitress. And it makes her feel better about herself...but what I dont understand is why she can't feel good about the good things I say to her.. Also the reason she talks to the f***er that raped her is because "its a way for her to cope with life" "they were such good friends and have a strong bond" but what I ask and never get an answer to is, shouldn't I be the one helping her with her problems? Isn't my role in the relationship to be the one who she comes to? and we LIVE together, shouldnt that be more of a bond than any she's had before when she claims she loves me more than anyone else? On to her kid...she has a 3 yr old girl. The kid hates me no matter what I do or how nice to her I am. I've given up as far as the kid is concerned and its hard to imagine dealing with it till she's out of the house. And, linking to that...she only has her kid every other week. while she has her kid it's like I disappear. which I can understand to a certain extent, but she is unwilling to even kiss me in front of her kid (even a little peck), but straight up refuses having sex with the kid in the house. and she's trying to get custody. so where does that leave me when she get's it? cuz she will, her ex husband is a total worthless redneck douche. no sex, no relationship while her kid is here...so until we're what, 40? also on the topic of sex, it seems like with the exception of the first week or so that we started having any physical relations, any time I want to be romantic, I have to initiate everything. I can count 2 times in a year that she has actually initiated a romantic interlude. Most of the time I have to beg her for it. It's always "tomorrow" or "I'm too tired" When we first started dating she said "we'll have sex every day when we start" which I took with a grain of salt...cuz that's obviously not realistic, but we've gone MONTHS without any sexual contact whatsoever. When we first started she said she loved giving oral....a month later it changed to "not unless you quit smoking" and I never get them anymore. And there's another situation. When we first started dating, she had no problems with herself physically. A few months after moving in together she begins complaining of problems with her vag itching and burning...saying that its due to lubricant and the type of condoms...we've switched 4 times and nothing has solved the problem. shes cleaned herself...has not solved the problem and refuses to go to the doctor to have her s*** checked for a disease...there's no chance I could have given her one...I was a virgin true and true...and I don't have anything wrong with me...so this if I'm correct is another red flag? she f***ed some dirty f***er? and won't go get it fixed...she thinks its a yeast infection...but if I'm not mistaken yeast infections dont involve discharges....sorry to be graphic but I need advice.... I haven't even begun to scratch the surface on this either...
norajane Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 Dude, she's cheating on you, and yes, yeast infections do involve discharge. You can get medication for yeast infections over the counter at a drug store. But you should be far more concerned about STD's because she's cheating on you. If you're not having sex, and she treats you like s***, and you're unhappy, why are you still with her? What makes you think this situation will get better when she isn't willing to deal with any of it, and doesn't seem to care how unhappy you are?
Author phildo_baggins Posted May 24, 2006 Author Posted May 24, 2006 Don't know why I stay with her. I guess the reality of it all hadn't set in...anger and confusion were a cloud around me. This hurts so f***ing bad. I've treated her like a queen, when everyone else has treated her like s***. I even lost my job for/because of her (I hadnt mentioned that). I guess I'm just too nice for my own good.. dont know what else to say
Tim'sAngel Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 Ah man, this is gonna take awhile... She flirts with other guys non-stop and says she can't change it, that its part of her personality because she was a waitress. And it makes her feel better about herself... Bulls*** but what I dont understand is why she can't feel good about the good things I say to her.. Also the reason she talks to the f***er that raped her is because "its a way for her to cope with life" "they were such good friends and have a strong bond" Bulls***! I really hope blind otter responds to this. She had an abused past and I'm sure she would tell you this is not a way to cope. but what I ask and never get an answer to is, shouldn't I be the one helping her with her problems? Isn't my role in the relationship to be the one who she comes to? and we LIVE together, shouldnt that be more of a bond than any she's had before when she claims she loves me more than anyone else? If she loved you more than anyone else, she would not need anyone else. I am in love w/my SO, which means yea ok, I like flirting its fun, but since I have someone that loves me and fulfills my needs, I don't need to go outside of the relationship for attention. On to her kid...she has a 3 yr old girl. The kid hates me no matter what I do or how nice to her I am. I've given up as far as the kid is concerned and its hard to imagine dealing with it till she's out of the house This is really sad that such a mentally messed up person is raising a child. Very very sad. I feel for the little girl. You have to understand that children are little versions of their parents. She has not been shown what a healthy loving relationship is. She is being taught that she should look for men who want to abuse her, or use her. She can't connect w/you because she hasn't been taught to. And, linking to that...she only has her kid every other week. while she has her kid it's like I disappear. which I can understand to a certain extent, but she is unwilling to even kiss me in front of her kid (even a little peck), but straight up refuses having sex with the kid in the house. and she's trying to get custody. so where does that leave me when she get's it? cuz she will, her ex husband is a total worthless redneck douche. no sex, no relationship while her kid is here...so until we're what, 40? This is not a healthy relationship. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure that out When we first started she said she loved giving oral....a month later it changed to "not unless you quit smoking" and I never get them anymore. She is unstable. I'm not surprised at anything she woudl change her mind on. And there's another situation. When we first started dating, she had no problems with herself physically. A few months after moving in together she begins complaining of problems with her vag itching and burning...saying that its due to lubricant and the type of condoms...we've switched 4 times and nothing has solved the problem. shes cleaned herself...has not solved the problem and refuses to go to the doctor to have her s*** checked for a disease...there's no chance I could have given her one...I was a virgin true and true...and I don't have anything wrong with me...so this if I'm correct is another red flag? she f***ed some dirty f***er? and won't go get it fixed...she thinks its a yeast infection...but if I'm not mistaken yeast infections dont involve discharges....sorry to be graphic but I need advice.... I haven't even begun to scratch the surface on this either... I am allergic to condoms, and would get a yeast infection every time I would come in contact w/them. I would get over the counter stuff to treat it, and they would go away then come back. I finally went to the dr and she told me you have to treat it w/antibiotic or the infection will never go away because it is never killed. Over the counter stuff only takes symptoms away. Yes, it does cause discharge and maybe a foul odor along w/burning and itching. It could very well be an STD. In fact, judging from the way she sounds, that seems like it woudl be the case. If I were you, I would get off the comp right now and head straight to the dr to get youself tested ASAP!! I realy hope you do not live in ignorance. You seem like a nice guy and I can't believe you saved yourself for such a disgusting person. But you don't have to stay in it!! Get out now!!
Author phildo_baggins Posted May 24, 2006 Author Posted May 24, 2006 I appreciate everyone's realistic responses, especially to a new user. Thank you. We're coming up on our year together, and I really don't know what to feel other than alot of pain. This woman once brought me joy, and happiness but has since only been bringing me anger and frustration. Everyone I've talked to IRL face to face has told me that I'm just being controlling/jealous and blowing things out of proportion when I tell them the same things I have told all of you. Also, most tell me that her past is none of my concern. I think it is, when the past is very definitely still rearing its head in the present. This girl isnt even happy that I'm going to college and when I get out I'll be making $100,000 a year and if we were to be together she wouldnt have to work. My first day of school was a couple of days ago...I felt soooo good and full of life for the first time in a long time...and she didnt notice or care...and stomped all over me. I see now that the things I have been thinking are NOT wrong. I have been justified in my thoughts and actions. Thank all of you very much.
Tim'sAngel Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 Her past is none of your business unless it is causing problems in your present. Does that make sense? Say it bothered you that she was raped before. Maybe it disgusted you when you would think about it. That would be none of your business because it was in her past and couldn't be helped. But she is letting it get in the way of your relationship because she is still talking to the guy!! Ridiculous!!
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