Chump64 Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 I highly think no one NEEDS to do anything simply because it better fits other peoples' sense of morality. I see your point and kind of agreed with your initial thought on what to do. But getting back to morals -- is there anything about this situation that is not immoral? Or am I too bold in assuming that most of us share a basic moral code in which infidelity is wrong / immoral?
a4a Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 This is my opinion no one is saying she has to go with this . I just think for myself i would keep it and tell my h. Anyone adult enough to have a affair should suffer the consequences . JMO In this case the effect or punishment does not just involve the OP. The players are: The OP Her Husband Their current children The X- bf Her Family The OP has stated that it is most likely the BF's. The OP has stated that she is unable to support herself or her children at this time. And it would be quite hard to find a well paying job while pregnant and continue to work and care for a newborn and the other children. Can it be done........sure but I doubt it would happen with any ease. So several scenarios could play out if she decides to keep this child which most likely is the BFs. Her husband allows their marriage to continue and supports the BF's child as his own......... with the bf now involved or not in their family life. This opens up a whole other can of worms that has an affect on all the players. The husband dumps her and she ends up under the roof of the BF....... with or without her kids. Both men decide they want nothing to do with her. Her family will turn their backs on her as stated by the OP. Regardless her current children will suffer, her h will suffer and most likely the BF will not be so pleased that he has a child he did not intend to have. Unless the OP posts that she is unwilling to get an abortion I think at this time, to save her family, (which she needs to work on her marriage) is the best solution for all players in this situation. Of course some one could offer to take in her, her children, and financially support them and the new baby. Any takers on that?
Alexandra Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 But getting back to morals -- is there anything about this situation that is not immoral? Or am I too bold in assuming that most of us share a basic moral code in which infidelity is wrong / immoral? I'm not debating infidelity in the least. That's not the theme here. I was speaking about the "morality of confessing". While you may be right that breaking one's marriage and even partnership vows and committments is generally accepted as immoral, whether or not in the aftermath one should also necessarily fess up to it is a different story and that is tapping into a far more personal set of morals as well as emotions, rationality and so on. I should have started with *Disclaimer: OP, what you did was WRONG! Immoral, mean, bad, terrible!* - I may have gotten flamed less but you see I don't think this should be a debate on morality nor should it be a place where we all throw our collective stone or parade what we personally believe in the least. I do think it was wrong. Does it matter now? Nope. Does it automatically mean I also need to re-think my suggestion to her? Nope again. Yes a4a, after my patient -who's mercifully late:) - leaves I'll try a thread on it...
Chump64 Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 I was speaking about the "morality of confessing". While you may be right that breaking one's marriage and even partnership vows and committments is generally accepted as immoral, whether or not in the aftermath one should also necessarily fess up to it is a different story and that is tapping into a far more personal set of morals as well as emotions, rationality and so on. I think I can agree with that, assuming someone ends an affair and actively works on their marriage, or that they stop playing games and end the marriage. And, I don't really see anyone "flaming" you.
Blind Illusion Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 I'd probably have an abortion like some of the other people mentioned. If that was not feasible or unacceptable to you, I would just accept that this child was my husbands and go on from there. If it was mentioned that there was some possibility that it wasn't, the child could be condemned to second class status in the family. Regardless of whther your husband forgave you or not. Why should that be? You admit you made a bit of a faux pas, and life goes on. So let it go on. The child is innocent. Why open a Pandora's box of worms?
Sal Paradise Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 If you love and respect your husband on any level you would tell him. If you feel you're a good person than you should tell him. A lie this big can never be justified. If he leaves you so what. He should have that right. Its really as simple as that. Its knowing whats right (telling him) and whats wrong (not telling him) and making a decision. You know what you need to do. Its just right now you lack the courage to do it, so you're looking for people to tell you "don't tell him". Part of being an adult is knowing how to deal with mistakes. When you wrongly hurt someone you claim to love the adult thing to do is tell them what you did and that you're sorry. That doesn't mean they will or should forgive you. It means you have enough respect for them that you will allow them to make that choice based on the truth. The truth is you're capable of cheating on this man again. He has the right to know that. You're capable of giving this man an STD. He has a right to know that. You're capable of breaking his heart. He has the right to know that. All of this is just as much his business as it is yours. Your behavior is a risk to his physical and emotional health. He needs to know the risks of remaining in a relationship with you. He also has the right to know if a child he will be responsible for the rest of his life is in fact his. He has the right and no amount of selfishness or cowardice on your part should deny him that right. Tell him.
Sup Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 And just how do you know she's one of those "many" women? And how do YOU know she's NOT? Better to err on the side of causion, than not say anything. Even if she IS, she could wake-up, before she does something else she cannot take back.
enoughisenough Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 That's wrong. If it's not his, you can't just let him think it is.. I would come clean. Like the other poster said, if he really loves you, he'll forgive you. Tell him and work on this thing together. Give me a break! That is not something that you can just "get over".. I don't care how much love is involved. Not only was she having an affair, but she might be having another man's baby!! That relationship is destined for failure. The point is that she does not have enough love for her husband to make it work. Now these situations are good reason to why people should not be sleeping around and they should keep sex for serious or long-term relationships. You want to have a baby from some john and the dad never around? Or heck, nobody even knowing who's the father of the child? That will haunt her for the rest of her life if she doesn't come clean. Likely she will take the easier way out and let her hubby think the child's his, that is, until she one day decides to end the marriage.. then the s*** will come out and her husband will really be devastated as well as the poor kid!!
enoughisenough Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 "So getting an abortion and not telling him" How is hurting the unborn child going to take away from the fact that she slept with a man and got pregnant by him? It just gives her an excuse to hide all her disgusting betrayals from her hubby AND likely this will happen again and again and again.. and she'll think "ah, abortion=easy fix". Sorry, I just don't think killing a baby is right just to keep her IMAGINARY PERFECT MARRIAGE intact. It's selfish. Regardless of what she does, she should tell her husband. But I'm not waiting for pigs to fly either.
RecordProducer Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 If the other guy is of another race then obviously everyone will notice it's not your husband's child. Ask a good doctor if it's possible to determine the father while you're pregnant. If they can do DNA tests in the first few weeks to test the baby for Down's syndrome then why not compare it to the father's DNA? All you need is your ex-lover's tissue. I am really totally ignorant on this subject so forgive me if I sound silly. If you are absolutely sure that he will end the marriage and you absolutely don't want it to end, you only have two choices: either have an abortion or have the baby and not tell him about the affair. Abortion IS one of the options and no matter what any of us here think of it personally, it's YOU who needs to make that decision, unless it's too late now. Make sure you don't make your life totally miserable and live in lies with a lousy husband only because you're afraid of your future in financial terms. There are plenty of jobs, single mothers, and men who fall in love with them in this world. Good luck!
mental_traveller Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 You made the screwup, so you should face the consequences. It's simply wrong to hide the fact from your husband and pass the consequences onto him. Tell him the truth, and deal with what happens. And believe me, if it's your bfs baby, then your husband *will* know most likely. A lot of men nowadays always get a paternity check on their kids, they can get one from the doc without the wife/gf knowing. If he finds out that when then you are well and truly screwed, whereas if you come clean you can always give the kid for adoption etc and there's the chance of reconciliation. Basically it comes down to whether you want to do the good thing or be evil.
mental_traveller Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 I'm not trying to start a fight, I'm just genuinly curious on your meaning of "OWE". So if you can, please try and enlighten me why anyone OWEs it to someone else to destroy both their lives even further. Pretty simple - if you make a promise to someone, then break it, it's your moral obligation to inform the person that you've broken your promise. According to your logic, someone who steals should keep quiet because it would cause a lot of pain and suffering on both sides if they fessed up. If a man rapes a woman and manages to terrify her into keeping quiet about it, then the right thing to do is for him not to admit to it, because if he came clean then both their lives would be destroyed. You are one sick individual.
mental_traveller Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 I'm going to get flamed like MAD for this, but as a child of very abusive parents who clearly did NOT want me and who blamed me for their own failures, I'm not sure abortion would be the worst thing for this baby. I believe that had I been born to better people, my life would have been a LOT better. It's very closely tied to your religious faith, I know, and VERY personal, but that's just what I believe. Haven't you heard of adoption?
mental_traveller Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 I'm not debating infidelity in the least. That's not the theme here. I was speaking about the "morality of confessing". While you may be right that breaking one's marriage and even partnership vows and committments is generally accepted as immoral, whether or not in the aftermath one should also necessarily fess up to it is a different story and that is tapping into a far more personal set of morals as well as emotions, rationality and so on. I should have started with *Disclaimer: OP, what you did was WRONG! Immoral, mean, bad, terrible!* - I may have gotten flamed less but you see I don't think this should be a debate on morality nor should it be a place where we all throw our collective stone or parade what we personally believe in the least. I do think it was wrong. Does it matter now? Nope. Does it automatically mean I also need to re-think my suggestion to her? Nope again. Yes a4a, after my patient -who's mercifully late:) - leaves I'll try a thread on it... If person X does something immoral to person Y, do you think Y has a right to know? For example if a retired widow's financial advisor is embezzling her life savings, does the widow have a right to know about this? Is hiding it from her an immoral action? Ought the financial advisor to confess? Simple question, what's your answer?
RecordProducer Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 All this moral preaching is unnecessary and I think Alexandra was just trying to defend "our client." However I do agree that a lie this big - not telling someone that the child isn't his - is terrible in many aspects, including moral. After all, the genetic history of the child will be recorded in all medical books as valid, but they will include the husband's family history. Some day, this may be very important. Not to mention that a simple blood test may show that the child is not his if the combination of your blood types cannot result your child's blood type. E.g if you are A and your husband is 0, the child can't be B or AB. My point is: you can't even hide it easily.
a4a Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 Haven't you heard of adoption? What about the BF does he not have a claim to his child? If she is supposed to have this child best bet is to inform the BF now, get her ducks in a row and divorce her H ASAP. If this was your sister what advice would you give her. If it was really a person you cared about. Leave out the judgement and look at it that way.
Alexandra Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 Pretty simple - if you make a promise to someone, then break it, it's your moral obligation to inform the person that you've broken your promise. According to your logic, someone who steals should keep quiet because it would cause a lot of pain and suffering on both sides if they fessed up. If a man rapes a woman and manages to terrify her into keeping quiet about it, then the right thing to do is for him not to admit to it, because if he came clean then both their lives would be destroyed. You are one sick individual. Both your examples are the classic definition of a strawman. They're not valid arguments pertaining to the conversation at hand simply because you chose to take my stance on a particular instance and apply it to any other instances you could possibly think of then demand the same answer in all of them for consistency. Hence I won't answer them. Now for your diagnosis . I respectfully disagree, I wouldn't say I am suffering of any physical, mental or moral unhealthfulness that you can determine from my posts. In many ways I understand your outrage. (Not your lack of civility in tone too, though.) One of the first things that someone in my field needs to learn is how not to apply their own moral set and personal view to someone else and hence try to steer them towards that direction. When one gives advice it's best to try and leave their personal values at the door. Empathy should be the one value to preclude all others. Of course, this is not easy and not 100% attainable but with exercise it may work. If you believe it's more important to preach and possibly impose your moral scheme to all people you encounter sometimes at the cost of advising them to do things against their well-being that is your right. I can't share into that. Last but not least, you're probably a rather healthy individual!
climbergirl Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 OK, please understand my husband is often very distant both physically & emotionally(probably 99% of the time). But I'm still happy enough where I am, married with children & a comfortable living. I began an affair after running into an old boyfriend. Now I'm pregnant & don't know who the father is, but really think it's the ex-bf's, not the husband. I really don't want to leave where I'm at. I lived the single life for a very long time & prefer being married. If I tell husband about the affair, he'll definitely end the marriage & where would that leave me, children, & the unborn child? If it weren't for this paternity issue, I'd forget the affair even existed. But what if baby comes out looking like the other guy? I'm unemployed, have nowhere to go, my family would probably completely turn their backs on me. The ex-bf might take us in, but do I want to build a relationship because of these circumstances. He & I obviously had a valid reason to stop seeing each other in the 1st place. Please put away your judgements for a moment & tell me what would you do if you were in my situation. I know it's my fault I had the affair instead of getting help with the marriage, but we all make mistakes & mine's already been done. Ok.....haven't read through the other posts and cannot give you advice--however I can tell you what happened in my family... My family (mom, dad, older brother and younger sister) seemed pretty normal from an outside perspective. A few years ago (2002) I knew that my mom and dad were having problems-didn't know what the problem was except for my mom complaining about my dad a bit. Anyway, one day my dad asked all us kids to meet at my house to tell us something........he said, "I just found out 2 days ago and (N-my sister) found out 4 days ago that she isn't my biological daughter". My mom had been having an ongoing affair for 30+ years (my sister was 31 when we all found out). None of us had any clue---but in retrospect, my sister looks NOTHING like the rest of us-the only one who knew was her best friend. But, I'll tell you what--this info has completely ripped my family apart and my mom has been living with this guilt for not only 30 years, but the now with the knowledge of what has happened to all of us as a family unit. BTW-my mom divorced my dad to be with the affair guy, but once she left he didn't want to be with her anymore because HIS kids wouldn't accept the situation. So now she is alone and my dad remarried last week. This may not help you decide anything, but just to let you know what can happen when or if you hold things back for years. I hope for the best for you and your family.
Lennox Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 Whether or not you should get an abortion is a decision that you alone can make. I can tell you first hand that there are plenty of stable, loving potential parents out there that are more than willing and able to take care of your baby and raise it lovingly should you choose to give birth and give the baby up for adoption. Your hubby is a piggy, but as you know, two wrongs don't make a right. I'd advise you to think about this situation had it been reversed. If your hubby had an affair, even just a one night stand with another woman, and there's a chance that the baby could be his...would you want to know? Do you think you deserve to know? Do unto others...that's a rule I try to adhere to in my life. There's a good chance that he'll break up with you over this, but there's also a chance that he will realize that he didn't help the situation much by placing you in a vulnerable position where you found yourself having an affair. There's a chance that he'll see the big picture in that he can keep you and also have another man pay for the upkeep on the baby via child support payments. It sounds pretty tacky, but men can be pretty practical thinkers when they want to be. I think that he deserves the truth.
westernxer Posted May 26, 2006 Posted May 26, 2006 is to have an abortion. Quickly. Bingo! Time is ticking... better make up your mind before you start showing.
enoughisenough Posted May 27, 2006 Posted May 27, 2006 Yes, let's give this woman more excuses to not tell her husband.. bravo to the cheaters onboard... now let me go puke in a bucket somewhere.
HokeyReligions Posted May 27, 2006 Posted May 27, 2006 Ask yourself this - if the roles were reversed and you live the next, say, 16 years in a happy marriage and then a teenager shows up on your doorstep and says "I'm looking for my father" (meaning your husband) how would that make you feel? Would you be glad that you had those 16 years together or would you feel like the whole time was a lie? Would you be at the beginning of the devestation and go through the whole emotional rollercoaster that is doubt, distrust, devestation, self-doubt, guilt, anger, resentment, hurt, etc. or would you be able to start at that point and work it out? Would you think to yourself "I wish I had known at the time so I could have worked this out earlier and be over this pain now?" Now, how do you think your husband will answer? If he knows the child is not his, is he likely to play favorites? Resent this child? Not love the child as much as his own? Or is he one who loves kids and will separate your betrayal from the child's emotional needs? Some can, some can't. Will you be able to do that? There are also medical histories to consider. You do need to know the family medical history of your child's father. It could be vital later on. You have a lot to think about and only you can make the decision based on your knowledge of yourself and your husband. The initial panic stage of this will mellow and you have to make yourself focus on the issue to make the best decision for you and your family. A common theme I hear from men is that they can separate 'sex' from 'love' and that women can't. That is an issue that runs a lot deeper than many people can see and there are all sorts of deep emotional currents when trying to separate the two. That is something that you will think about and your husband will want to discuss in depth if/when you tell him. You will also have to give him time to absorb the information, display his anger and hurt and then come to grips with the information before you can expect him to talk rationally with you. You will have to be patient with him.
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