pregnant after an affair

[big dummy]

OK, please understand my husband is often very distant both physically & emotionally(probably 99% of the time). But I'm still happy enough where I am, married with children & a comfortable living.

 

I began an affair after running into an old boyfriend. Now I'm pregnant & don't know who the father is, but really think it's the ex-bf's, not the husband.

 

I really don't want to leave where I'm at. I lived the single life for a very long time & prefer being married. If I tell husband about the affair, he'll definitely end the marriage & where would that leave me, children, & the unborn child? If it weren't for this paternity issue, I'd forget the affair even existed. But what if baby comes out looking like the other guy? I'm unemployed, have nowhere to go, my family would probably completely turn their backs on me. The ex-bf might take us in, but do I want to build a relationship because of these circumstances. He & I obviously had a valid reason to stop seeing each other in the 1st place.

 

Please put away your judgements for a moment & tell me what would you do if you were in my situation. I know it's my fault I had the affair instead of getting help with the marriage, but we all make mistakes & mine's already been done.

[cutie22387]

Hey

Things happen. It's tough to say what would be the smart thing in this situation. Will you ever have an affair again? I would say, if you truly know in your heart that it's not his, he needs to know. You don't want him taking you to Maury, do you? Us as women could not begin to understand how it feels to know that a child isn't yours, but men take that to the heart.

 

And if he truly love you, he will forgive you, but not if he thinks you will do it again. So, if you know you won't do it again, you have to come up with a way to gain his trust back.

 

And I'm not trying to say that you are a bad person, but I believe that things happen for a reason. If you figure out what that reason is, maybe it will be easier for you to decide on what to do.

[maggiemay]

Unless you want to end your marriage say nothing to him.

Get yourself together, work on your marriage and assume the baby is his.

[erika2610]

Unless you want to end your marriage say nothing to him.

Get yourself together, work on your marriage and assume the baby is his.

 

That's wrong. If it's not his, you can't just let him think it is..

 

I would come clean. Like the other poster said, if he really loves you, he'll forgive you. Tell him and work on this thing together.

[corwin]

If you think telling him of your affair will be devestating to him now, just imagine if he finds out 10 years from now that what he thought was his child, is not. The magnitude of that betrayal is beyond comprehension.

 

You need to tell him now..... before the baby is born. At least then he'll have a choice in finding out the paternity of the child. You said you made a mistake. Here's your chance to try and correct it. He deserves the truth.

[catgirl1927]

If you don't tell him now, when he finds out it will hurt him and the child.

 

The right thing to do here is tell the truth and accept the consequences.

[Sup]

OK, please understand my husband is often very distant both physically & emotionally(probably 99% of the time). But I'm still happy enough where I am, married with children & a comfortable living.

 

I began an affair after running into an old boyfriend. Now I'm pregnant & don't know who the father is, but really think it's the ex-bf's, not the husband.

 

I really don't want to leave where I'm at. I lived the single life for a very long time & prefer being married. If I tell husband about the affair, he'll definitely end the marriage & where would that leave me, children, & the unborn child? If it weren't for this paternity issue, I'd forget the affair even existed. But what if baby comes out looking like the other guy? I'm unemployed, have nowhere to go, my family would probably completely turn their backs on me. The ex-bf might take us in, but do I want to build a relationship because of these circumstances. He & I obviously had a valid reason to stop seeing each other in the 1st place.

 

Please put away your judgements for a moment & tell me what would you do if you were in my situation. I know it's my fault I had the affair instead of getting help with the marriage, but we all make mistakes & mine's already been done.

 

Sure you made a mistake. But you shouldn't MAKE you hasband PAY for it, by keeping a secret like this. If the baby is NOT his, why should your husband have to take care of it, and have NO choice in the matter? Even if your husband wasn't meeting your needs, you still had no right in doing this, sorry, but NOTHING justifies an affair. You should have thought about that before sleeping with your boyfriend.

[SoleMate]

There is definitely no easy path here. Even the one that SEEMS easier...keeping your mouth shut...may sentence you to many months, or even a lifetime, of fear that you may be found out.

 

I'm not certain that your marriage will end if you tell him, but I do believe you must tell him. It's the best thing you can do to try to repair the harm caused by your actions. But there's no question, this affair will have lifetime consequences for you.

[Sassy]

If you don't tell him now, when he finds out it will hurt him and the child.

 

The right thing to do here is tell the truth and accept the consequences.

 

Totally agree with what Catgirl says! Tell him or it will come back and bite you in the butt eventually. It may be your h's baby atleast he will know and be able to move on with the new blessing. Everything happens for a reason . Good luck and please don't keep it from your h. You will regret it in the end.

[portableversion]

is to have an abortion. Quickly.

[Chump64]

Tell your husband the truth. If he dumps you, get a job. Plus, if he dumps you, he will have to pay child support or assume 50 percent custody, so the financial burden won’t be yours alone. Take responsibility for what you have done. I would say there is a good possibility he will dump you; the “other child” thing would have been the last straw for me, in my situation (had there been one). I also give a thumbs up to the abortion idea, though I still think your husband needs to know the story.

 

Oh, and this:

 

Like the other poster said, if he really loves you, he'll forgive you.

 

You can love someone and not forgive them, or forgive them and not love them. Forgiveness is complicated and these trite little platitudes make me cringe.

 

Anyway, sorry for the tangent.

[catgirl1927]

I agree with Chump in that love does not equal unconditional forgiveness. Just because he can't forgive you for your betrayal doesn't mean that his feelings weren't real. To say that if someone loves you they'll forgive you no matter what you do seems like a gross oversimplification.

[Alexandra]

I'm going to be unpopular here and say that if an abortion is still possible it does indeed sound like a very good idea. And if so and it can be done quickly then you need to debate with yourself if you could indeed forget this ever happened, how much amount of guilt you'll have and if the response to that investigation is "neah none at all" then telling him -although moral- seems to be a bad idea.

 

So getting an abortion and not telling him would maybe work for you but once it's done with, I suggest you look at yourself and wonder why you did something this dangerous and destructive and maybe slowly introduce the concept of "getting help with our marriage" to your husband then see a specialist together.

[Sup]

is to have an abortion. Quickly.

 

I dissagree! Killing a baby is NOT going to solve ANYTHING! Besides you'll regret it later on in life, but by then it WILL be too late. Many women who have abortions suffer GREATLY later on, and many times for the rest of their lives, that's something NO ONE tells you in those abortion clinics. You're gonna have to come clean to your husband. Like I said earlyer, why make your husband PAY for your mistakes?, why make an unborn baby PAY?

[Alexandra]

I dissagree! Killing a baby is NOT going to solve ANYTHING! Besides you'll regret it later on in life, but by then it WILL be too late. Many women who have abortions suffer GREATLY later on, and many times for the rest of their lives

 

And just how do you know she's one of those "many" women?

[a4a]

I'm going to be unpopular here and say that if an abortion is still possible it does indeed sound like a very good idea. And if so and it can be done quickly then you need to debate with yourself if you could indeed forget this ever happened, how much amount of guilt you'll have and if the response to that investigation is "neah none at all" then telling him -although moral- seems to be a bad idea.

 

So getting an abortion and not telling him would maybe work for you but once it's done with, I suggest you look at yourself and wonder why you did something this dangerous and destructive and maybe slowly introduce the concept of "getting help with our marriage" to your husband then see a specialist together.

 

 

I could not agree more!!!

[Sassy]

is to have an abortion. Quickly.

 

I do not agree with this at all! She suffer the consequences and take it as it comes. What if it is his baby? How do you know it isn't? You owe it to your h to tell him the truth.

[quankanne]

your options are to have the baby and keep it; have it but give it up for adoption; have an abortion; there's always the possibility of a miscarriage in any given pregnancy. Despite what you decide, you really need to inform your husband of this pregnancy and the possibility that it might not be his baby. As hard as it is to admit to an affair, it's better to lay it on the line now, than wait and hope that you're not found out, because it'll be that much harder when he learns the truth – not only will he think you cheated on him, but you lied to him as well, and that's going to undermine your relationship to a greater level than it would to just 'fess up while you're pregnant.

 

good luck in whatever you decide, and remember, we're here for you.

[Alexandra]

I do not agree with this at all! She suffer the consequences and take it as it comes. What if it is his baby? How do you know it isn't? You owe it to your h to tell him the truth.

 

I'm not trying to start a fight, I'm just genuinly curious on your meaning of "OWE". So if you can, please try and enlighten me why anyone OWEs it to someone else to destroy both their lives even further.

[catgirl1927]

I'm going to get flamed like MAD for this, but as a child of very abusive parents who clearly did NOT want me and who blamed me for their own failures, I'm not sure abortion would be the worst thing for this baby. I believe that had I been born to better people, my life would have been a LOT better. It's very closely tied to your religious faith, I know, and VERY personal, but that's just what I believe.

[Sassy]

I'm not trying to start a fight, I'm just genuinly curious on your meaning of "OWE". So if you can, please try and enlighten me why anyone OWEs it to someone else to destroy both their lives even further.

 

Im not going to go into it! I will just say she had the affair and she needs to be honest with him. It could be his. What if she kills their baby thinking it was the ex bf. When you lay down and have sex you should take the consequences if you get pregnant affair or not.

[Alexandra]

Im not going to go into it! I will just say she had the affair and she needs to be honest with him.

 

Alright let's not get into it. Let's agree to disagree. I highly think no one NEEDS to do anything simply because it better fits other peoples' sense of morality. What bedazzles me on LS at times is that people are more concerned with displaying their personal set of moral values than with giving constructive advice...

[a4a]

Alright let's not get into it. Let's agree to disagree. I highly think no one NEEDS to do anything simply because it better fits other peoples' sense of morality. What bedazzles me on LS at times is that people are more concerned with displaying their personal set of moral values than with giving constructive advice...

 

I think that topic deserves a thread of its own.

[Moai]

I think that telling him everything and letting the chips fall where they may is the right thing to do.

 

The mistake has been made, but you still haven't paid for it--and believe me, not matter what happens eventually you will. And it will be much, much worse the longer it takes.

 

If you have the kid and pretend it's your husband's, you'll be wracked with guilt, and every time you look at your child you'll be reminded of it. I can't imagine that not having some kind of effect on the psychological heatlh of the child.

 

How do you think your husband will react when he finds out the child isn't his, and he has been paying for it for however many years? Not to belittle that he'll certainly feel for the child, but it's under false pretenses, which will pull the very ground from under him. I can't imagine a worse form of betrayal.

 

And the guy you had an affair with gets off scot-free, in many ways. But then again, he has a child out there he has no contact with, and no chance for a relationship with. Maybe what he doesn't know won't hurt him, but he will find out eventually. When the child wants to know who his real father is, and 18 or so years from no your ex-boyfriend opens his door and there is his kid standing there....geez, how cool would that be?

[Sassy]

This is my opinion no one is saying she has to go with this . I just think for myself i would keep it and tell my h. Anyone adult enough to have a affair should suffer the consequences . JMO