Confused, Once again Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 Ok, how do I even start this, apparently the circle that I started this in was "not appropriate" Anyway... I have been on both sides of the fence. Five years ago, I found out that my husband was having an affair with his best friends wife. He moved out, he moved in with them, and had an affair with her. (the husband was in serious denial). Anyway, after months of begging for him to come back, I finally realized that if he wanted to be with her, then so be it. I let go of him. That is when he decided that I was what he wanted, anyway long story longer, we ended up getting back together and it took about a year for me to forgive me, but I have never forgotten. Fast forward to present. Our marriage has been less then perfect for a while. We haven't slept together in I don't know how long, he stays up late on his computer, playing WOW, he likes to try to tear me down, he loves to cut me down, he likes to call me names, he likes to be hateful, anyway. I am not perfect, by far, but I refuse to call him names, try to beat him down. Last week a MM that I have known and cared for (not romantically) for years confessed his love for me. I didn't know what to say. As I digested the information, the more I realized that I loved being around him as he always pays attention to me, always talks to me like I am a person, always gives me compliments, and is really caring towards me. After a week of thinking about this, I decided to tell him that I may have the same feelings but nothing will ever come from it. He agreed. However, before I knew it we were texting back and forth, talking, laughing, enjoying each others company while the spouses were there. As my husband and his wife are made the same and he and I are made the same. They came over to our house over the weekend and we were in the basement getting some things, and he turned me around, put his hands on my face and kissed me, instead of pulling away, I pulled him closer and we shared the most passionate kiss that I have felt in a long time. After he left, I felt remorse, but it also confirmed my feelings for him. We talked afterwards and we talked and before I knew it we were talking about when we would meet and what have you. I couldn't believe that I was doing this. The next day I saw him and all day we would glance at each other just like we always did before, except we knew, there was something more coming out of this. We kissed Sunday as well and it was just as amazing as it was Saturday. His marriage has been on the rocks for a while, but they will never divorce. Our marriage has been on the rocks for a while, but we probably will never divorce, unless he finds another woman. Honestly, I kinda hope that he does. I know that we won't be happy, I know unless he finds someone else, we will remain married. I am not dumb, I know that MM and I will end up, there is NO chance of that, I know that it will not end up happily ever after, but for right now, he makes me feel good about myself, he pays attention to me, he makes me feel like a person, which, I haven't felt in a long time. MM wants to meet me, but I know that if we meet without a chance of us getting caught the chances of us going further then I want to our very good, and I am just not ready to go there. I told him that we shall wait and see. I know what it feels like to be on the other end of the fence, I know what it feels like to be betrayed. Honestly, I don't think that my husband would care if I had an affair, he just isn't emotionally invested in our marriage anymore, and neither am I. I don't know what to do. Has anyone been in this situation? Does anyone know what is like?
stillhurtintoday Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 Five years ago, I found out that my husband was having an affair with his best friends wife Our marriage has been less then perfect for a while. We haven't slept together in I don't know how long, he stays up late on his computer, playing WOW, he likes to try to tear me down, he loves to cut me down, he likes to call me names, he likes to be hateful, anyway. I am not perfect, by far, but I refuse to call him names, try to beat him down. Our marriage has been on the rocks for a while, but we probably will never divorce, I know that we won't be happy he just isn't emotionally invested in our marriage anymore, and neither am I. After reading all these quotes from your story, I'm wondering why your still married to your H. Don't get me wrong.. I definately do not condomn affairs. I strongly believe in trying to make it work before giving up..... I know that I am by far not an expert on relationships..but i think if you truly don't see any reconciliation or maybe even marriage counseling to better your situation, then its time to move on. I'm not sure if there are children involved, or what the details are that are that are keeping you there, but what i do see is the longer you stay with that type of emotional abuse, the harder it will be for you to leave when you really have had enough. He will have beaten up your self worth just enough for you to start thinking you'll never be able to do it. And if there is children involved i would hate to see the emotional scars left in them as a result of a dsyfunctional marriage. With such a big world and so much too offer, Life really is too short to be unhappy, I hope you can find some peace and strength within to make the best decision for yourself and children (if any). Good Luck!
RealityCheck Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 I tend to have the same questions as StillHurt... Why do you remain in your marriage? Affairs do fill a void to some degree, however it also can compound the problem.
whichwayisup Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 I think both you and your husband need to go to marriage counselling and deal with his affair together and you need to tell him about the kiss with the MM. Be as honest and upfront about everything - Then try to give the marriage your best effort to make it work. I also believe that you've been feeling neglected for so long, that the MM whispering sweet nothings in your ear got your attention, attention that your husband should be giving you. Considering you've been cheated upon and you know how much it hurts, how much pain and loss of trust it enforces into your life, I don't know why you'd want to DO that to your husband...Though he cheated, it's still not a reason to do that to him...Two wrongs do not make a right. Decide whether or not you want to GO to marriage counselling and fix your marriage. If you can't see it working at all, then get a divorce. Don't go and cheat.
Confused, Once again Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 I think both you and your husband need to go to marriage counselling and deal with his affair together and you need to tell him about the kiss with the MM. Be as honest and upfront about everything - Then try to give the marriage your best effort to make it work. I also believe that you've been feeling neglected for so long, that the MM whispering sweet nothings in your ear got your attention, attention that your husband should be giving you. Considering you've been cheated upon and you know how much it hurts, how much pain and loss of trust it enforces into your life, I don't know why you'd want to DO that to your husband...Though he cheated, it's still not a reason to do that to him...Two wrongs do not make a right. Decide whether or not you want to GO to marriage counselling and fix your marriage. If you can't see it working at all, then get a divorce. Don't go and cheat. Husband refuses to go to counseling, I have asked, begged, pleaded, anything, he will not go. I agree, the fact that I am not getting any attention at home is 99% of the reason why I am reacting to MM. I am not doing this as payback to H. I would love to go to counseling to make this work, i would love to see us get over this, but i don't think we can do it, he won't admit to any wrong doing with the names and self esteem. I am not sure I know the right anwer. We have two boys, 2 and 6. We have been married for 8 years. I am hardly home, always running around for the boys. The last two weeks, there wasn't a single time I was home before 7, but he doesn't care, when the boys go to bed, he gets on his computer and starts playing WOW. I go to the bedroom and work on my homework, as I am also in school getting my Bachelor's.
aktieb0cka Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 Ok, how do I even start this, apparently the circle that I started this in was "not appropriate" Anyway... I have been on both sides of the fence. Five years ago, I found out that my husband was having an affair with his best friends wife. He moved out, he moved in with them, and had an affair with her. (the husband was in serious denial). Anyway, after months of begging for him to come back, I finally realized that if he wanted to be with her, then so be it. I let go of him. That is when he decided that I was what he wanted, anyway long story longer, we ended up getting back together and it took about a year for me to forgive me, but I have never forgotten. Fast forward to present. Our marriage has been less then perfect for a while. We haven't slept together in I don't know how long, he stays up late on his computer, playing WOW, he likes to try to tear me down, he loves to cut me down, he likes to call me names, he likes to be hateful, anyway. I am not perfect, by far, but I refuse to call him names, try to beat him down. Last week a MM that I have known and cared for (not romantically) for years confessed his love for me. I didn't know what to say. As I digested the information, the more I realized that I loved being around him as he always pays attention to me, always talks to me like I am a person, always gives me compliments, and is really caring towards me. After a week of thinking about this, I decided to tell him that I may have the same feelings but nothing will ever come from it. He agreed. However, before I knew it we were texting back and forth, talking, laughing, enjoying each others company while the spouses were there. As my husband and his wife are made the same and he and I are made the same. They came over to our house over the weekend and we were in the basement getting some things, and he turned me around, put his hands on my face and kissed me, instead of pulling away, I pulled him closer and we shared the most passionate kiss that I have felt in a long time. After he left, I felt remorse, but it also confirmed my feelings for him. We talked afterwards and we talked and before I knew it we were talking about when we would meet and what have you. I couldn't believe that I was doing this. The next day I saw him and all day we would glance at each other just like we always did before, except we knew, there was something more coming out of this. We kissed Sunday as well and it was just as amazing as it was Saturday. His marriage has been on the rocks for a while, but they will never divorce. Our marriage has been on the rocks for a while, but we probably will never divorce, unless he finds another woman. Honestly, I kinda hope that he does. I know that we won't be happy, I know unless he finds someone else, we will remain married. I am not dumb, I know that MM and I will end up, there is NO chance of that, I know that it will not end up happily ever after, but for right now, he makes me feel good about myself, he pays attention to me, he makes me feel like a person, which, I haven't felt in a long time. MM wants to meet me, but I know that if we meet without a chance of us getting caught the chances of us going further then I want to our very good, and I am just not ready to go there. I told him that we shall wait and see. I know what it feels like to be on the other end of the fence, I know what it feels like to be betrayed. Honestly, I don't think that my husband would care if I had an affair, he just isn't emotionally invested in our marriage anymore, and neither am I. I don't know what to do. Has anyone been in this situation? Does anyone know what is like? This is a terrible situation, but you know what to do!! Don’t let that woman go through what you did. You know how terrible it is.
Sami_D Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 Confused. You say that you won't divorce unless your H gets himself another woman. Why is this? Why are you still willing to stay M to him while he treats you so badly and ignores your needs? The fact he's treating you like this has led you to this A. And there is NO answer there to your unhappiness... Why can't you separate and D this man now? Why is it that you begged him so much to come back before..? Is that love for him all gone? Sorry there are so many questions, but talking it all through might help.
Confused Again Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 Confused. You say that you won't divorce unless your H gets himself another woman. Why is this? Why are you still willing to stay M to him while he treats you so badly and ignores your needs? The fact he's treating you like this has led you to this A. And there is NO answer there to your unhappiness... Why can't you separate and D this man now? Why is it that you begged him so much to come back before..? Is that love for him all gone? Sorry there are so many questions, but talking it all through might help. I am with him because of multiple reasons, I know that he won't be able to do this without someone by his side, he can't be alone, he has never been alone. We can't afford to be separate. He didn't led me to this affair, this is my own doing and not because of H, I can't chalk that up to him, that is my fault only. I begged him years ago because I couldn't imagine my life without him. I couldn't see us being apart, and yes, a lot of that has died since then. I have never been the OW, I have never been on this side, but I realized last week that I can't be the OW, I am to needy, I need to for the man to be available for me when I need him too and vice versa, I need to be able to show affection, no matter where I am, I am to demanding to be the OW. I haven't talked to MM since early last week. I am done. I had plenty of reasons to talk to him, plenty, but I didn't give in. I just hope that I am that strong when/if he calls me. I am rather surprised he hasn't called me today. I am just really thankful that it didn't lead into anything more then it was. I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason, I think that this happened for me to see what type of person MM really is. I idolized him, all for what, to find out what a back stabber he really is. I know now, that is all that matters. As far as H goes, I wrote him a long letter telling him, demanding that I will not allow him to treat me this way, that I can afford a 2 bdrm. apartment for me and the boys and it wouldn't be the best, but it would be mine and I didn't have to put up with his crap anymore. i told him a lot of things, but I scared him, he knows that I am serious, so hopefully, with time he will realize that it isn't ok to talk to me that way and start correcting it.
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