strange goings on...

[supersonic]

hello everybody, i hope some of you can give me some advice, this is a bit of a long story so try and bare with me.

my girlfriend broke up with me a few weeks ago, but the trouble is i can't do NC as we live next to each other at uni. the first few days were really terrible, i begged and pleaded and was a complete moron, and i ended up going home for a few days to clear my head. since i've been back, things have been a little better.

we have the same group of friends at uni, so we are in contact everyday. i've been trying to get on with my life, exercising, partying, socialising, getting on with my studies, generally being the me that people like, and i feel a lot better about myself.

when it comes to my ex, there will be times when she's really happy, and other times when shes really depressed. i try not to ask her about this as i don't know what mood she'll in.

she never used to be like this, she was quite level headed usually.

she broke up with me because i was a little jealous at times and it bugged her, but even after we broke up she said that she still loves me but she doesn't want to take the risk of getting hurt again. i feel like i have blown a fuse in her head, everybody has been saying that i've changed for the better and she's changed for the worse, and it makes me sad to hear that.

 

anyway last night we are all in a friends room watching a movie, and me and her end up tickling each other and laughing, and she sits on top of me and i stroke her back. she smiles at me and we carry this on for a while. everybody in the room (including me) is thinking 'what the hell is going on?'

 

then after about half an hour she goes really quiet and gets off me.i get some advice from my friends, and they all say that the flirting wasn't fair on me. i agree.

 

a few hours later, i bump into her in the kitchen, and she smiles at me and starts conversation. i'm polite but i confront her about what happened earlier. she starts crying, passes out, and has a fit. (she has epilepsy, i looked after her everyday and even spent 10 days in hospital with her at one point). i look after her and carry her to her bedroom.

 

when she wakes up, we chat for a while about what happened. she says that 'it was just a bit of fun' but it 'felt right'. during the conversation she regularly stops and stares at me. i ask her why she does that, and suggest that she still doesn't know whether she's made the right decision. i fight all urges to kiss her. she's tough though, and says that she didn't think she could cope with my jealous streak.

 

i explain that the break up has done me some good and has shown me what an idiot i was. i say that the only problem with our relationship was the fact that i loved her maybe too much. we went through so much together, especially in regard to her health, and i explain that i didn't want anyone else to hurt her.

 

we talk until 4a.m about everything that happened. she says that she's still very confused. fair enough.

 

i am supposed to be living with her in a house in september, but have decided to live with a friend instead (good decision?). she doesn't understand why i'm doing this, and everybody gets annoyed with her for not seeing my point of view. she has a twin sister who also lives with us, and i've been spending a lot of time with her recently. she seems to be 'on my side'. i also think she has feelings for me, what do i do about that?

 

i guess my main point is, what's with the flirting sometimes and barely looking at me sometimes? was it just a momentary glitch? or does a part of her want me back?

 

sorry this is so long, if its hard to follow i apologise!

[waitingforlove]

Hello! I saw that nobody has replied to you yet and it made me sad, because I posted yesterday too, and nobody replied to me. So I decided to reply to you.

 

I think it's quite obvious that she still likes you a lot. She hasn't moved on yet. But she's hinting that she just can't deal with your jealousy. She wants to know that you will change. So why not try to assure her that you have done some thinking and growing on your part, and that you know what changes you can make? Then show that you respect her decision whatever it is. Don't push too hard, though. Just show that you still care a lot but you have or are willing to change in order for the relationship to grow more healthy. I hope that would help. I'm just looking at it from a girl's perspective, and it sounds to me that she really still likes you a lot.

 

Good luck!! Let us know what happens!!

[supersonic]

thanks for the reply, part of me agrees with you. it's nice to get a girl's perspective!

it's sometimes scary how much shes changed though, she's sometimes being really loud and sometimes being really quiet. when we were together she was just 'normal'.

the flirting the other night upset me in a way, because i thought i was ready to get over her, when she pulls me back in again.

i told her to stop it unless there's something deeper behind it, i think she got the message.

my friends all say that she's not making it any easier for me, and she's been horrible in the last few weeks. i don't know whether to have faith that she'll change back to the way she was.

the mixed signals aren't fair on me, i told her this but she said she doesn't realise she's doing them. she says she should be allowed to pay me compliments and 'have fun' with me. what do i say to that?

 

also, what do i do about the twin thing? (see first post) a friend and i were watching tv the other night, and she climbs into bed with me, tries not to get too close, but still talks to me and laughs at all my jokes. she even says 'you're the best looking guy in our house' - there's 8 guys in our house.

 

so messed up at the moment!

[waitingforlove]

Hi again! I understand how frustrating those "mixed signals" are! My ex-boyfriend is the same way. I am not sure what they mean, but I think it most likely means that she isn't ready to commit herself to this relationship again, and yet she's also not ready to lose you entirely at the moment. It's good that you stand up for yourself and tell her to stop doing that, although right now, honestly, she still has the "upper hand," and so she can do something "nice" and then denies that those actions have any special meanings. So I think if that's the case, then perhaps you can try to leave her alone for a little bit. Be nice when she initiates contact with you, but try to stop showing her that you care so much -- at least for a while. If she starts to think that you might have moved on and might not be interested in her anymore, that might scare her a little and she will have to make up her mind whether to let you go or ask you back -- and most likely, I think she'll be afraid of losing you then!

Good luck and keep us posted!

[waitingforlove]

By the way, the "twin" thing -- Do you like her twin sister? If not, you might want to stay away and make sure your ex-girlfriend knows that you are not into her sister. Otherwise, she might be mad at you and it might jeopardize you chances of getting her back. If you like her twin sister, though, then why not give that a chance?

[supersonic]

thanks again, you're pretty good at this! it's ironic that you said what you did in your post, about how i should try not to show that i care so much, and that if she thinks i moved on she might get scared, because some strange stuff happened last night, in case you want to know:

 

we all went to a club last night, and i spent most of the night with this other girl i met a couple of days ago. we didn't do anything, just danced and laughed and drunk a few drinks, was nice and chilled out. we all started out in a big group (which included my ex) but me and this girl spent the evening together having fun. my ex got really drunk, the most drunk i've ever seen her, and she kept conveniently bumping into me to say hello. i think she was a little jealous, which wasn't my intention. she even asked my friend if i was seeing this girl.

 

anyway, i walked this girl home, and went to my house (where my ex also lives, along with a big group of friends). they were already home so i went to say hello.

 

after a while, she had lots of epileptic fits, on and off for a couple of hours (i guess the alcohol didn't help), so me and a couple of friends looked after her and carried her to her room. when she woke up she would grab my hand and stare at me for ages. she even hugged me. made me cry cos i was so confused. was it alcohol, vulnerability, or 'love', or a mixture?

 

i spent the night in bed with her, purely just to stop her from hurting herself if she had anymore fits. we ended up cuddling, and this morning she was really friendly. i kissed her goodbye, on the lips, she looked a little weird, but kissed back, just a peck, nothing serious.

 

can you try and crack what she's doing? is she scared that i might get with this other girl? i can't help caring when she has this condition. she's very confused i think.

 

the twin thing - i think it would be creepy, so i'm gonna stay away from that one!

[waitingforlove]

Hi, I think it's pretty obvious that she's afraid to lose you now. I'd say, just stay friendly with her at this time. If she asks if you're going out with the other girl, say that you guys are just friends. Your ex will still be curious and worried, and she will start wondering if you still have feelings for her or if you're just being a friend, haha! Just like you're wondering about her right now. That's a good place to be for a while. Don't jump right back into the relationship and tell her that you love her, yet, though. You don't want her to think that you can't live without her. You've been doing so great -- I wish I were doing as great in my own relationship! I know what I should do but always fail to do that ... on the other hand, you have the strength to stay so calm in the situation, bravo!! So just keep staying on the right track and see what she does next! Keep me posted!! Haha! Good luck!

[supersonic]

thanks waitingforlove, you're definitely right, but i also don't want to make her jealous, well i do, but i don't want to use the other girl in the hope of getting my ex back. it's all a bit messy at the moment. going out with the other girl tonight. my friend was like 'what are you doing tonight?' so i said 'going out'. he said 'with who?' so i said i was going out with this girl. my ex overheard and asked why i was going out with her again, felt a bit awkward!

 

what happened in your situation? can't find your story on here, spill your guts, what's been happening!?

[supersonic]

last night, hung out with other girl, got drunk, nothing happened, we just talked for ages, and i came home.

this morning, ex has 'feminine pains', so i walk into her room and ask if she's ok, and i get her a hot water bottle. spend 3 hours with her and it doesn't feel quite so weird.

is she coming closer? if i carry on giving her space and only seeing her occasionally do you think i have a chance?

[waitingforlove]

Hi supersonic, don't worry -- your situation is definitely on the right track, I'd say. Of course you don't want your ex to be too jealous, that's why I said if your ex asked about her, just say you're only friends. It's enough to make her jealous, but not to the extent that she'll give up hopes. If she asks again why you're going out with the other girl, then just say you're only going out as friends. I think your ex is coming closer. Eventually, if she doesn't initiate the conversation with you herself about getting back together, you may initiate and assure her that you will do whatever it takes to improve the relationship because she's worth it and you want it to work out between you two. But at the moment, just stay friendly. You are right; you might still want to give her sufficient space right now to think about your relationship without being too pushy. But also show that you care about her. Don't say you "love" her, but I think it's okay to tell her that you "care about" her at this stage. It sounds like she enjoys your company and she likes spending time with you. I think she's still a bit confused herself, but there's no question that she likes you and is starting to want you back.

 

My story? Oh well .... thanks so much for asking. You have done so well that I actually am starting to get some courage to follow your good example and hoping that it will eventually work out. But I'm not sure it will. I've messed up a big time. Well, he broke up with me almost three months ago. Initially it wasn't a "clear" break. He just said he was "tired" and "needed some time." I wasn't sure what that meant (especially since this was my first relationship), so I asked if he would come back later. He said, "maybe, maybe not." He said he was frustrated and tired from the fact that we "didn't connect" and had a hard time understanding each other (we had gone out for about 11 months by that time, but admittedly, we had lots of misunderstandings especially because I had been very stressed over school the last few months, and it made it hard for the relationship). He said he'd like us to be friends and thought that was "the best." I begged and pleaded for a while, asking for reasons, which only pushed him further away. So by late March, I finally told him I'd let him go. I stopped contacting him myself for a while. He would call me about once a week to chat, and he was always the one who wanted to hang up first. I pretended for a while that I didn't care, but then he stopped calling me.

 

Late April ... I called him and told him I would be visiting his city (we live about 1 and 1/2 hour apart). He said he had plans with his roommate that day when I would visit, so I said, "okay, I understand." He said "thanks for your understanding." I was really disappointed but tried not to show. The next day he emailed me and said he "didn't realize last night that it would be a good opportunity to see one another," and he wanted to know my agenda that day. I emailed him back and said I didn't want to get in the way of his plan with his roommate, so if we couldn't see each other, that's fine. He wrote back again and said he would like to go get a coffee with me. I didn't write back. On the day I was getting ready to go to his city, he called in the morning and left a message saying that he figured I must have got his email, but he wanted to confirm with me that he would be seeing me that afternoon. I didn't call back. He came to meet me at the time he said he would, and we went to Starbucks and had a good time. When I was getting ready to leave, he said, "no, don't go, not now." I paused to see what he wanted, and he said to me, "you know, we won't see each other for a while now .... It was great that today happened ...." Then he gave me a hug. I must admit that I was slightly pushing away when he hugged me because I was too surprised and didn't know what to do. Plus, he looked sad while saying all that and hugging me, so I was all confused. I said, "well, if you want to come for food or something, give me a call." Part of the reason he said we wouldn't be seeing each other for a while was because he knew by that time that I would be moving away in a couple months. We will then be about three hours away from each other. Anyway, I told him to take care, and then I left.

 

After I left, I started having hopes and feelings again for him (bad, bad, bad)!! I was hoping that he would call, but he didn't for the following week. I called him that weekend then, we had a good chat for about ten minutes. He said he would be talking to me, so I hanged up cheerfully (silly). He still didn't call me, though, the following week. I called again the following weekend, and we again had a good chat for about 15 minutes. I started feeling sad, though, after hanging up this time. I was getting more and more confused which direction he was going. So, stupid me, I emailed him early last week to ask if he would give me another chance to get to know him better. I spilled out my feelings and told him that I really wanted to understand him. He emailed back and just gave me a casual report of what had been going on with him at work, and then casually put in one sentence, "I still very much like the idea of us being friends and think that's the best."

 

I was really devastated for the rest of the last week. That was the time I stumbled into this site. I'm starting to feel a little better now. I think part of me is starting to want to move on, just because I don't know for sure whether he will or will not ever come back. But another part of me is still hoping that some day, it will work out. I even bought some relationship and self-help books from amazon.com last week and have been reading them. I'm learning about myself, about relationship, starting to have insights into his "inner world" and into the reasons things didn't work out between us. Now I'm just not sure whether to keep in touch with him since he wants to be friends, or whether to stop contact for a few months so that he would have time to miss me and I would have time to make some positive changes and growth on my part. I know my greatest fear is that if I stop contacting him, then he won't contact me either, so we will lose touch. But I'm starting to get over this fear and think that if he doesn't contact me, it's either because he doesn't want me enough or he is still confused himself -- although I have to admit that at the greatest depth inside my heart, I'm still hoping that he will contact me ....

 

Sorry this was so long .... but thank you so much for "listening" ....

[supersonic]

my good example? well thanks, but i'm afraid my story gets ever more complicated, more on that later though.

 

your story seems slightly like mine, but my story has a couple of strange factors, like the fact that we live together, and her health.

 

i'm not really sure what to say to help you, you seem to have the right idea at the moment. stop contacting him and improve yourself. if i could physically do that i would, you have the advantage of actually living apart from him.

 

the whole late april thing, him hugging you and looking sad, i totally understand, i get that all the time. but seeing as this was a month ago, and he's been pretty cold ever since, you should leave him alone, at least for a few weeks.

 

you shouldn't be worried about him not contacting you, i think he will in time, but when he does, don't mention relationships, just keep it light.

in the meantime, date other guys, not with any intention of getting into a relationship with somebody, just to boost your confidence and to prove to yourself that other people find you fun and attractive. that's the main thing that has kept me going. also, exercising helps me a lot, i look better and more importantly, i feel better.

the self help books sound like a good idea, i'll have to try some.

the main question you need to ask yourself is 'can i be friends with him when i still want to be more than friends?' if the answer is no, leave it for a few weeks, even if he contacts you. if the answer is yes, still leave it, but if he contacts you, go and have fun together.

 

keep me updated on your story, it's great to share this type of thing with people who don't know my ex! everybody i've spoken to so far have been mutual friends so it's a bit hard.

[supersonic]

anyway, an update for you....

 

we were all watching a movie in a friend's room last night, but they were all winding her up for some reason, so she got upset and stormed out. i waited until the end of the movie and went to see if she was ok. she looked really ill so i put her into bed. she had a couple of fits, when she woke up we were chatting and laughing about random stuff until about 1.30am, it was really nice.

 

we fell asleep together, it was very nice, albeit a little strange. this morning was fine, she was friendly, i didn't kiss her or anything, and she gave me a hug when i left.

 

i think i've pissed her off now though. i sent a message to her, which was meant for my friend, just me being tired and stupid. it said 'whoops, stayed at ***s last night, we stayed up talking for ages then fell asleep. she hugged me when i left'

she laughed about it, but told me that the 'whoops' offended her a bit. i explained that the night was very nice but it was a bit strange. she agreed but still looks a bit annoyed.

think i'll leave her alone for the rest of the day.

 

what do i do from now? not stay in her room anymore? back off a little bit? what if she wants me to stay over again?

[waitingforlove]

Hi supersonic,

Hey first of all, thank you so much for your advice and suggestions! I agree it's best not to contact him for a while and see what happens. I'll keep you posted IF anything happens at all, but I think it will be for a while before it will, if it does anyway .... And I also think exercising is good ... just hope I'll have the discipline to keep doing it, though, haha!!

 

Your situation is actually not bad right now, I think, although your ex IS confusing indeed. If she said that the "whoops" offended her, it was evidently not because she was upset that you told your friend (I mean, intended to tell your friend) about what happened between the two of you. She was offended because she thought that it was a pretty "normal" thing for you guys to stay together and she was afraid that you didn't think it was normal anymore. That's actually not a bad sign, because it means that she still thinks of the two of you as a "couple," although she might be hesitant to move forward right now, since she was the one who initiated the break-up in the first place, and she might be a bit embarassed to admit that she made a wrong decision at this point. When you suggested to her that it was "a bit strange" and she "agreed," it was because she couldn't disagree, since she knew that you two were supposedly not a couple right now -- and that was the result of HER decision. But the fact, as I see it at least, is that she still has feelings for you and seems to want you to notice and accept that. It sounds to me as though she is starting to regret that she broke up with you, and yet at the same time she is either still hesitant to get back together due to her concerns (if the relationship will grow healthier this time; if the same problems will still exist, etc.), or she is shy to take the step to ask you back herself.

 

Sometimes girls are strange like that. You know, I struggled for a long time thinking that even if my ex would want to come back in the future, he might hesitate because it was his decision to leave me and he might feel bad to admit that he made that decision and later changed his mind (I mean, of course, if he would even change his mind)! He's a guy and I still worry about that -- I guess partly it's because I'm a girl and I think in girls' terms. But eventually I decided not to worry about that anymore. I think if he wants me badly enough, he would ask again. However, with a girl, I'm not entirely sure if that would be true. Girls tend to be a little shyer and you know, some girls still think that it's better to wait till guys initiate the relationship and ask them out. What girls do to let guys know that they are interested is something like what you ex is doing now -- dropping you "hints" that she likes you but not saying it out loud.

 

So in a way, I think if you really still like her very much and forgive her entirely for hurting you and leaving you, and if you don't mind being the one who initiates to start the relationship up again, you can take the move -- EVENTUALLY!! At this moment, though, I think you might still want to observe a little longer. So far you've been doing so great and everything's on the right track, and while I really want you two to get back together very soon (which I think is quite possible), I am also concerned that if you move too fast at this time, you could potentially blow off all the good work and good progress that you've made. What you don't want is for her to "have her cake and eat it too." If I were you, I wouldn't stay in her room anymore for now, even if she wants you to stay. You have a very good reason and she can't get mad at you for not staying over. If she asks you why you're not staying with her anymore, just politely tell her that you are afraid that might not be the most appropriate since you two are not a couple anymore. Say that you still care about her, but now that you're only "friends," things have to be different from before. Tell her that you want to respect her -- that would make her want you back even more since you're being a gentleman! And that also makes it impossible for her to get mad at you for not staying over. I think you can still talk with her in her room, but just don't fall asleep there. Stay very friendly, but be careful not to give her the impression that you are already back in her arms. Trust me, if she wants you back, by you emphasizing the word "friends," it's going to scare her -- that's why I get so scared when my exboyfriend keeps telling me that he "likes the idea of us being friends"!!! Anyway, hopefully she'll grieve the loss of you as a boyfriend and that might encourage her to make up her mind and want you back quickly ....

 

Good luck!!! I can't wait for it to work out between the two of you ... I'm excited for you, but I think we better "play it safe" and observe her move a little longer first ....

[supersonic]

i think its great that you have the amazing ability to put all the thoughts swirling around my head into coherent sentences, you've been a great help, thankyou, hopefully we can continue to help each other out. it's honestly really great to get a girl's perspective. i think what you said in the second paragraph of your last post is perfect, and although i may just be getting my hopes up, that's honestly what i think is going through her head. can i ask how old you are? it's just that you sound like you're a similar age to me and my ex (20), which might be why you give such great advice.

 

today wasn't too bad, she randomly went really quiet and grumpy for an hour or so earlier. i asked what was wrong and she said 'nothing i'm fine', so i just left it at that.

 

she doesn't seem too pissed off about earlier, spent the evening just chilling out with our group of friends and we were laughing and joking as normal. i had to take my top off to rub some medicine on my chest (got a cold), she liked it .

we watched lots of nsync/justin timberlake videos (not my thing but the girls insisted on it). she kept saying how hot they all are.

 

i jokingly asked if she thought i was hot, and she said 'yeah of course, not as hot as justin though', which i guess i can accept

 

i know it's crazy to read too much into stuff like that, but she's been so friendly sometimes in the last few days. i'm trying to keep my distance though, asked her if she wanted to hang out just now, and she said she was going to bed, so i said ok cool then hugged her and left the room.

 

we have 2 weeks until we leave uni and go home for summer, do you think i should try anything before then? also, if things go as they are until the end of the semester, do you think after a couple of weeks/months, i should ask her if she wants to meet in london (halfway between me and her) for a day out as friends?

 

i'll try and give you a guy's perspective from your situation, i apologise if you disagree! i think your ex is trying to play it cool. he realises he maybe made a mistake by being a bit too needy when you met at the end of april. he let his defenses down but saying 'no don't go, not now' and he doesn't want to seem like a wuss basically. he's trying to be a typical guy, not admitting he's wrong, trying not to admit that part of him misses you. he will call you, i can't say when, but he will, even if it's just to see how are you and what you've been doing. maybe when he does contact you, the space may have made him think about the good memories more than the bad ones. 11 months is a pretty long time, i'm sure there were plenty of fond memories which he maybe wants to continue, i'm sure that's how part of my ex feels.

 

when you see each other again, be the way that you know he loves. thats what i've been doing and it sometimes seems to slowly be working.

 

it might take some time though, guys can be pretty stubborn. i even told my ex that if she did ask to have me back, i'd have to think about it for a while and hang out and have fun with her first.

 

right now, all i can do is give her some space but still have fun with her as i can't help seeing her, seeing as she lives with me. all you can do is wait, if he doesn't contact you in a few weeks, send him an e-mail asking how he's doing.

 

keep me updated, write back!

[waitingforlove]

Hi again supersonic!!

Thank you for being such a friend -- even though we haven't met, I enjoy our support for each other! Ya I hope my ex will eventually contact me, but I'm trying not to give myself too much hope right now. I'm moving in about two weeks (right around the time when you and your ex will leave university for the summer), and so I'll change phone number then. I hope he will remember and will know that he won't be able to call me soon .... although he can still email me, I guess, if he really wants to get in touch with me .....

 

Anyway, I think you're quite mature to be 20 years old! I'm already 25, although this was still my first "serious" relationship. Guys ARE stubborn, you're right, but I have never seen somebody even more stubborn than my ex is, so ... that's another reason I'm a bit worried, that once he has made up his mind, it's probably hard to change ..... One thing for sure, though, is that the more I ask him to reconsider, the less likely he will. So hopefully time and space would help him turn around .... but I'm really not so sure. I'm just afraid that he thinks, "well, I've decided to leave her, so I won't turn around again whatever happens ....." Who knows?!

 

It's really nice that you and your ex can still hang out and she seems to be happy to have you around. I think, whether or not you should "try something" in about two weeks all depends on her moves between now and then. She still sounds a bit confused -- like, when you asked her if she wanted to hang out, she said she was going to bed. Maybe she is also afraid that if she shows too much affection to you, then she might embarass herself if you don't feel the same way anymore (remember that she's probably guessing what's going on in your head as well and she is also not sure you still want to be with her since you've been doing so great on your own these days). That's particularly true because of what you told her -- that even if she would ask you back later, you would have to think about that and be friends for a while before you would decide. She's probably regretting, and yet also afraid that you would reject her this time around if she asks you back. So it's like, she "pulls you closer" one day and "pushes you away" the next day. I'd say, perhaps still act cool around her right now so that she won't feel pressured. At the same time, be friendly to her so she'll also "keep her hopes up." And then see what happens in the next two weeks. Keep me posted and I'll try to analyze the situation for you. It's probably a good idea to ask her to hang out in London, though. By that time, you two would both have gone home for a couple weeks, perhaps, and she'll probably start to miss you more and more, and maybe wonder if you've made a new girlfriend at home .... so if you ask her to hang out, I think she'll be thrilled. And if you're just hanging out "as friends," I don't think she'll feel pressured. Maybe you can even try to initiate the topic of your relationship with her again while in London? What do you think?

[supersonic]

well, today's been totally different, hardly seen her, just came home, walked in on the guys watching a movie, and she's cuddling up to this guy in our group of friends. i know he's just a friend, but it makes me upset to see that. it was me the other night, now it's him. what is she doing?

had to leave, was polite and played it cool though.

 

wish i hadn't stayed over those times, it's drawing me back in but she doesn't want me. she told my friend (the one she's cuddling up to) that she wouldn't get back with me.

 

what's happening?

[milokins]

I don't think she knows what she wants. I would avoid her (as much as possible) in order to avoid getting hurt.

[supersonic]

yeah you're probably right. she's messing up my life. i sometimes have days like this but the next day she's friendly and flirty so i don't know what to think.

tomorrow will probably be different. she'll probably end up flirting and chatting with me and i won't know what to do. i know i can't avoid her properly as she lives with me. i'll try to keep busy somehow, dunno how.

she never used to be like this, she was always so honest and straight with everyone.

has anybody else been with somebody and thought they knew them, only to sometimes realise that they really didn't?

[waitingforlove]

Hi supersonic,

I'm so shocked to hear that! I can imagine you must be feeling very hurt ..... I am so sorry about that. I'm wondering if she is trying to avoid or deny her own feelings for you. Maybe like what milokins said, she is not so sure about what she wants right now. A part of her seems to still have strong feelings for you; and another part of her seems to be trying hard to pretend that she doesn't care. Perhaps she doesn't want to deal with the issues between the two of you if you end up back together. She knows she has feelings for you, but since she doesn't want to deal with the problems and is afraid that the old problems in your relationship will come up again, she tries to avoid it altogether and run away from her feelings. Another possibility is that she's trying to get you jealous by "using" this other guy friend, since she saw you with the other girl a few days ago. If she left you because of your jealousy, though, make sure you don't show that you are jealous this time. She could be testing you to see if you really have changed. It's like a paradox: on one hand she might want you to be a bit jealous (since that would mean that she still has your heart); and yet on the other hand, she doesn't want you to be too jealous (to show that you are not "the old you"). I'm not sure exactly which one of my guesses is right, but these are the possibilities I can think of ....

 

In a way, I agree with milokins, if that's the situation right now, that you should avoid her a little bit at the moment. I'm not saying that you don't have a chance anymore, because your ex is probably just testing you. However, since she seems so confusing these days, my concern is that you need to protect yourself from getting hurt again. You've been doing so great, starting a "new life" without her, when she started showing signs that she didn't want you to entirely move on. But then when she got the hint that maybe you still wanted her back, then she all of a sudden denied everything again. It's sort of like what my ex did to me, so I understand the hurt you're going through. Right now, I think the important thing is not to ruin all your good work you've been doing on improving yourself and your own quality of life. Show her that you don't care either way -- if she comes back or not. Show her that she CANNOT get you jealous, and show her that you are mature and don't "play silly games." Honestly, you do sound very mature to be 20, as evidenced in the way you've been dealing with the breakup and giving your ex all the understandings she needed, and it's your exgirlfriend's loss if she doesn't appreciate your qualities. She's going to have to look inside herself and decide what to do, and she needs to realize that she cannot play with your heart like that. It's unfair to you. I'm not saying that she's a bad person, but she is definitely confused right now. She needs to realize that she cannot manipulate you with her "pull and push" games, and the only way she will realize that is if you would leave her alone and appear totally cool. However, remember to stay friendly still, because if you are unfriendly to her, she'll see it as you being jealous, and she'll think that "he's jealous only because I still have his heart." Really pretend to treat her ONLY as a friend, and look like you don't care whatever she does in her "private" life and her relationships anymore. She has some growing to do to realize what she wants .....

 

Good luck! Don't get frustrated, just keep up with your good work and at least try to look like you have moved on .... Keep me posted, okay?

[waitingforlove]

To answer your last question, supersonic, about the experience of realizing that you really don't know a person when you thought you knew him/her before .... you know, part of the truth is, that if the person doesn't really know himself/herself, nobody can really understand him/her. There are a lot of people who think they know themselves but they really don't. Sometimes, I almost think that people get into relationships in order to find out about themselves. Sometimes, people leave you not because of what you did wrong, but because they don't feel good about themselves when they are with you. I realized this only recently after my breakup. For a couple months, I blamed myself for everything; thought that it was all my fault that it ended. All my friends told me not to be so hard on myself, and I even knew that the objective fact was that it was not all my fault, and yet I couldn't get that guilt to go away. Eventually, one day I suddenly realized that my ex never understood himself. When we were together, whatever question I asked him, the answer would always be "I don't know" or "maybe." But guess what!?! In the end, one of the main reasons he left me was because I didn't understand him! How was I supposed to understand somebody who didn't understand himself? But he blamed me for that. I am not angry with him -- at least not anymore. But I brought this up in order to show you that sometimes, people don't necessarily understand themselves, although they would deny that and think that it's only other people not understanding them .... Your ex shows very confusing behaviors and actions these days, and it is exactly because she herself doesn't know what she wants. But if you say that to her, I assure you that she will deny it and probably get very offended about that. I know you won't say that to her; I'm just saying this to show you my point: That she doesn't know what she wants, and that's why you can't figure out what she really wants. It's not your fault, and it's not that you will never understand her. It's not even that you have never known her. You know the "usual," "normal" her. You just don't know the one side of hers that she's showing these days ....

[supersonic]

i'm trying to show i'm not jealous, just bumped into her in our kitchen, asked if she enjoyed the movie and how studying for her exam is going, she just gave me one word answers so i smiled sweetly, said goodbye and left.

 

i'm trying to show that i don't care either way. i know it was a big step backward to stay in her room, so until we finish uni i'll try and give her limited contact. if she's really flirty and friendly i'll just kick her in the head....kidding

seriously though, if she's nice to me i'll be nice then walk away but not be too obvious that i don't want her to screw me up again.

 

i've never had anybody play with me like a puppet before, it's hard to deal with, especially as she lives with me. when she goes out, she has to walk past my window, and i have to walk past hers when i go out. i'm always wondering where she's going, i wonder if she's doing the same.

 

i don't think she understands herself, come to think of it, lots of answers were 'i don't know', 'maybe', or 'could do'. sometimes i think its best to think of her like that and realise she's not worth it. just the little glimmers of the her that i love over the last few days have made me a bit confused. i'm still in the phase of thinking that it's my fault, most of the disputes we had, i started somehow. i was a little out of sorts for a couple of months, maybe we spent too much time together and went too fast.

 

thanks for saying i'm mature for my age, sometimes you're right, sometimes not.it was immature to stay in her room and flirt back with her.

 

i deleted messages from my phone earlier, has anyone else found that so hard? i even had a message that said 'you haven't changed that much in the last few months. i love you more every day and i don't want to lose you'... this was a week before she broke up with me.

 

i want to get through this but its sooooo difficult when she's so close to me and she's friendly 50% of the time. sorry if this is getting boring, it's the hardest situation i've ever been in though.

 

waitingforlove, i hope you're still doing no contact and exercising etc?

[waitingforlove]

Hey supersonic,

Yes, I'm still doing no contact. Actually it's starting to get a little easier -- exactly because I don't want to get hurt again! So, in a way, on one hand it's really bad that your ex is doing this to you; but on the other hand, maybe you can channel that upsetting feeling into your energy to help you move on, knowing that it's not your fault, and there's nothing you can do right now except to leave her alone, because she's the one causing all the confusions ....

 

Your ex is almost sounding a little like mine! Less than two weeks before we broke up (that was the time when I had found a job much further away from his city and I was thinking about accepting the job), he told me on the phone that he didn't want us to be apart. He even said he wanted to marry me! And he asked me to try to find a job in his city, and then the next day he emailed me about a company in my field he thought I could try to contact .... All that, only to break up with me less than two weeks later! Confusing, isn't it?

 

So that's another reason that for a long time I thought I messed up everything. I thought I must have done something terribly wrong within those two weeks .... but guess what?! He told me when we broke up that he had wanted to leave me "for a long time"! Okay, if he had wanted to leave a long time ago, why told me that he wanted to marry me just two weeks before the break up?

 

Gradually I'm starting to understand that sometimes, people are just confusing like that. They can have many mixed emotions, many different (sometimes contrasting) motives inside .... not always easy to figure out. So I decided to let myself "off the hook" and stop blaming myself. You should stop blaming yourself also. Yes, we all make mistakes in relationships, but if the person really loves you, even if you're the worst person on earth, she will still love you. If she loves you only on the condition that you are perfect, then it's not true love. Just because we are the ones getting dumped doesn't necessarily mean that it was all our fault, right?

 

Hang in there; try to move on as much as you could. I know it's hard; don't worry about "sounding boring." You can always vent it out here. Just know that you are not alone, and we are all on this forum supporting one another! Things will reveal themselves in time. You know, one of my friends said I needed "three Ts" at the time we broke up: tears, talk, and time. I told her, that I had no trouble crying, and I talked as much as I needed with my friends about my pain, but time was the one factor I could not control .... that was really hard!! I almost wished I could control time as well! But ultimately, I realize that the only way I could "control" time and let time become an element that would help in the process of healing is to let go. When I stop counting how many days I haven't talked to him, time will actually pass faster than it seems right now ..... In time, you'll know if she really loves you and wants to come back. So hang in there, okay?

[milokins]

I really feel for you supersonic. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to get over someone when they are around you constantly. I would have such a hard time keeping my cool the way you have. You are doing the right thing and everything will work out for the best, whatever that may be.

[supersonic]

thanks for your support guys, i'm never usually such a wuss, but this situation is quite unorthodox to say the least!

 

waitingforlove, when it comes to what ex's said before they broke up with us, i think a part of them genuinely meant it. the trouble is, the niggling problems in the relationship were at war with the love they had/have for us, and at the end of it all, the problems won. thats why they made the decision to end it. i know i shouldn't blame myself, but at some point in the past i made her unhappy. her sister told me that her in the easter break, her diary was filled with things like 'yay, seeing boyfriend!!', then flip a couple of weeks and it says 'broke up with boyfriend', no mention since.

the crunch point was when were at a club, and this guy spoke to her at the bar, i asked what he wanted, just like she would if a girl had been speaking to me.

a fuse blew. the next morning, she rolled over, smiled and said 'i really love you'....then dumped me 4 hours later.

 

the conflicting emotions are still there for our ex's, but they don't know whether to think with their head or their heart at this moment in time.

i, on the other hand, vow to think with my head and leave her alone.

 

just be happy that you guys can physically go without seeing your ex, i can't and it's driving me nuts.

 

do you ever have horrible thoughts that cross your mind, about your ex doing something physical with somebody else? i get that sometimes, i know it hasn't happened yet, but how do i handle those thoughts? my friend told me that i should go out and have a one night stand to calm myself down

seriously though, how do i control them?

[waitingforlove]

Hey supersonic,

I think you're right about our exes. I hope that eventually, their hearts will win over their heads, but it's really not up to us. Just hope that time will bring about some positive changes ....

 

I think both you and milokins are quite strong in that you really prefer no contact! It took me three months to get to this point where I finally feel comfortable with no contact. Initially, it was so hard to let go; I couldn't imagine cutting contacts with him at all, so I ended up pushing him even further away. You're tough; you'll make through this hard time!

 

I myself haven't had thoughts about him being physical with another girl yet, although I have imagined him going out with another girl, and it hurts! I just try not to even think about it, or maybe I'm in denial .... I don't know. I don't have good advice on this. Do you, milokins?

 

Hang in there, supersonic!! Just two more weeks and then you can go no contact for a while when you go home for the summer!!