stillhurtintoday Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 My boyfriend and i have been together for 10 years this month, We met when my children were 3 and 5. 14 months ago i find out he had been having an emotional affair with my best friend of 18 years. My friend and i were very, very close alot like sisters almost inseparable,we did just about everything together good times and bad. We had coffee together ususally 2 nites a week, and we would always joke call that our therpy sessions to just vent and talk about anything or everything we needed to or wanted to talk about. There was never any holds barred! neither one of us felt like there wasn't anything we couldn't possibly tell or talk to each other about, whether it be talkin about our jobs, our children, or our men in our lives. To make a very long story short, it was March of 05 that i found out my boyfriend and best friend had been having an emotional affair. He and i were having some real troublesome problems in our relationship. I was gambling and drinking alot so as a result I had become emotionally and at times physically unavailable for him. He tried talking to me about the problems but i would just clam up and not want to talk. He did not know what what to do about my problem and he was getting no where with me...so I guess he decided the next best person to talk to would be my best friend..knowing full well she and I had always talked about everything going on in our lives. For a few months my intuition was telling me something was going on with my boyfriend, I had suspected maybe he was talking to someone or seeing someone online because he was using the computer alot more than normal. One sunday afternoon, my suspicion was getting the best of me, so I hacked into his email (i know that was probably wrong) and there it was in black and white email after email.. to and from my best friend. It did start out as him wanting answers and her not really offering to much information. but it didn't take too long for the intimicy to start..they talked about the dinners they had and the drinks they went for, the talks on the cell phones, the poems that where written and plans they had going. Not once in any of the emails did she defend me as her friend. Only once to say "I would really hate to see the repurcussions of this if it were to ever get out". And the reason she said that was because he was getting so involved that he wanted them to tell me and her Boyfriend. I was absolutley devastated, I could not believe the **** i was reading.. knowing that was my bestfriend was on the other end of those emails. I didn't know what to do. My boyfriend was at work and there was no way i could call my best friend...and even begin to believe and trust anything she had to say. So after reading the emails about 1500 times over and over again, trying to understand (but couldn't) i did write one to my best friend...yes there was some expression of anger but mainly alot of hurt was expressed in this email. I told her she had had plenty of opportunities to let me know my Boyfriend of 9 years was coming on to her. But, she choose not to.. instead she just lapped it up. Obvoiusly enjoying what she wasn't getting at home or something! So...in so many words and these exact ones too i told her "Not to blame me for being a bad girlfriend to him and think about if she was a better girlfriend to me this whole situation could of been avoided". She just needed to be up front and tell me about the 1st conversation she had with my boyfriend. When she replied to this email ...I couldn't believe what i was reading...she totally blamed the whole thing on me, not once did i read ("i'm sorry"). All she did was go on about me what a bad person i was, all these years i've been with my boyfriend and how many times i screwed around on him...and all the men i've been with. I was flabber gausted! And then.. if that wasn't enough back stabing... she had to twist the knife and forward this email to my boyfriend as well. So before my boyfriend got to his email and read that from her.. I printed it and gave it to him myself. He did believe some of what was in that email and i did admit to being unfaithful once many years before..but I admitted it, I owned it and i'm dealing with it. But because of that, their little affair did not end once i found out...i think he thought it was the permission to keep seeing and talking to her. All I wanted to do was put all this drama behind us, move on, learn and grow from this whole ordeal. But, no my life was a living hell for another 10 months. Although, my boyfriend said that he could trust me, he was giving me no reason to truly trust him. The calls didn't stop the meeting and online conversations didn't stop. I would ask him if he loved me and he would say yes...but he would also say he couldn't cope with the fact that i was unfaithful to him years prior (one nite fling and i know that can't be justified). But, i think to those people that have experienced a situation like this one, i think they would agree... it would be alot easier to cope with a one nite fling ..other than knowing your spouse truly has feelings for someone else, and sharing his/her intimate feelings with that other person. I've just recently told myself and voiced it also to my boyfriend that this is enough ...i'm not gonna do it anymore life is way too short and if my best friend is what he wants then get on with it ...because he's just wasting mine and the kids time being here if it's not where he truly wants to be. Since then I have been able to put down some of my guard, he has been better and showing more respect toward my feelings. I do believe him when he tells me he loves me. And I love him more than words can say. Am I wrong for thinking this way. I'm sorry this was so long in story but it the shortest version i could think of.
whichwayisup Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 The only way your relationship is going to work will be if he dumps your 'best friend' out of his life 100%. No talking, seeing her or emailing/IM'ing with her. If he can't do that then things are NOT going to work out. This isn't about him not loving you, I'm sure he does...The main issue is, he lied to you, cheated on you WITH your bestfriend. That to me, is worse than any other woman because she was SUPPOSED to be YOUR bestfriend and know better. She sounds like a selfish person and reading what you wrote about the reply to your email she wrote to you just shows how ****ed up things are in her mind. If you really want your relationship to workout, you MUST tell her boyfriend what she did with your guy. That's the only way to stop the affair from starting up again. But you have to decide if this guy is worth having around, for you and most of all, your children. Its' really ****ty what he did to you all. No excuse to go cheat if things were rough between you two, he should NOT have cheated! He took the easy way out and she had a willing hand in the whole thing too. Makes me sick, I feel for what you've been through. He better decide soon WHO he wants, as he can't have his cake and eat it too.
NoIDidn't Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 When she replied to this email ...I couldn't believe what i was reading...she totally blamed the whole thing on me, not once did i read ("i'm sorry"). All she did was go on about me what a bad person i was, all these years i've been with ken and how many times i screwed around on him...and all the men i've been with. I was flabber gausted! And then.. if that wasn't enough back stabing... she had to twist the knife and forward this email to him as well. Did you bitch slap her? Seriously, I don't advocate physical violence against anyone EXCEPT when the OW is a personal friend of yours. Especially a best friend. She is a lousy friend. She took your confidences and told your BF when it was convenient for her. You should definitely tell Steve, but not because you are trying to get with him. Your guy is confused. Hopefully you stopped gambling and are more present for him, especially with the revelation of your ONS. Take your time and know that this will be difficult for both of you.
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