Surprise Heartbreak

[wibbles]

I've been with this guy, Jesse, for a year. When we met I felt a sort of draw, something about him that made me want to be around him. I had just gotten out of a relationship - it lasted about 2 months and I ended it because I wasn't ready for the life the man was planning for us, and he was almost twice my age besides - and so was a little wary of becoming involved with someone again. I always have been afraid of dating and opening myself up to another person so intimately, I've lived a life of insecurity and I've let it rule me. But I thought... if things progress with this guy I'll go along with it, he makes me feel safe and I like that.

Our frienship was a strange one. He would invite me over on my days off, after he got off of work, and would come get me. We would watch a movie and have dinner together, then end up sleeping together. Not sex, just sleeping. Cuddling, that sort of thing. Then he got fired, and that night we all had drinks at his house to sort of... say bon voyage to a sucky job experience. Anyway, he got way too drunk and ended up crying in his room. I comforted him that night, but had to leave when he fell asleep because I had to work. The next day I discovered he'd slept with my roommate later that night, as far as I know only slept with her, and I was crushed. But he came to get me when I told him I had to leave work early, and that night he kissed me for the first time as we laid together in his bed.

And that was it. From that point on we were as solidly together as two people can be. We did everything together, he always wanted me to come over, and he never, ever tried to coerce me into doing anything I didn't want to do. I was a virgin at the time, and he knew, so we were taking things slow and finding other means with which to enjoy ourselves. And we were happy.

The first time we had sex it was me who wanted to. I finally was ready to let someone have that part of me, to let someone in completely. I was taking birth control so insisted he didn't wear a condom. That was a mistake. Herpes is a virus that can be inside of you and you won't even know it. It can surface with UTI-like symptoms, or none at all. And a doctor won't run a test for it unless there's a suspicion, and the general STD exams don't include herpes for some reason. So. I got it. But at this point we'd been together a solid four months and I felt very strongly for him and, I thought, he did for me. So I didn't blame him, I didn't resent him. I accepted it and went on with life.

Throughout the next 6 or 7 months of our relationship he paid his bills and such with unemployment checks, and I fed us and bought him the things he wanted, you know, fun things. I'd been evicted from my apartment and he even let me stay at his house for 6 months. Our sex life was great, he'd introduced to me one of his sexual fetishes, and was surprised when I accepted it and even adopted it in the bedroom because, he said, his last couple of girlfriends had thought it was too weird and refused to be involved. But I'm a firm believer in that if you care enough about someone you accept them for who they are, no matter what.

Anyway, we took vacations together, we continued to grow together and take care of each other. Everything was going great, and I was excited because we were coming up on our one year anniversary. I never talked to him about it though, and I never pressured him about love, I didn't tell him I loved him with words, I showed him. And I felt loved, so he must have been doing the same for me. All through the us times we'd been loving. It was easy to see, even our friends commented on our relationship as being a loving one.

Saturday, the 11th of this month, was the last time I was with him together as a couple. Nothing was different. I'd asked him on Friday if he wanted me to stay at my place after work and he'd said yes, he had things to do on Saturday. I was fine with this, but then when I was almost done with work he called and asked if I wanted to go to breakfast. I said yes, and we went. He then asked if I wanted to come over. I said yes, surprised and pleased because he'd said he had things to do but wanted me over anyway. We had some more of that good sex, went to sleep, and when we woke up he went to do his thing and I called my brother to have lunch with him and, later, go to work.

Saturday night, Sunday night, Monday night, Tuesday night, all of them passed without so much as a text message on my phone from him. I was a little worried, but I figured he was busy and would get around to calling me. But Wednesday night was my second and last night off, and I wanted to spend at least Thursday morning with him. So I texted him - I don't like to call when I know he's at work because he drives a cab and I don't want to interrupt - saying I missed him. He texted back saying he would be over later that night. So I napped.

He did come over, woke me, and I got the feeling immediately that something was wrong. We eventually got around to talking about the tension, and he said he was beginning to resent me because our time together was being spent doing me things, and not him things or us things. Okay, well, that's easy to fix now that it's been brought to my attention. He said our relationship was starting to remind him of the four-year one he'd had a few years ago. I was pretty upset and in shock, so I told him he'd been a good boyfriend and that I wouldn't resent him. He left, reluctantly, and I cried and proceeded to stay up for the next several days. I finally got in touch with him over messenger on Monday night and asked him to come over. He agreed, and the next day he was there. We didn't get to talk because he got a call, so he left and we agreed he'd come over again the next night. He did. I told him to explain to me. He went on to say basically the same things, and whenever I'd offer suggestions to make things better he'd say 'you shouldn't try to fix people'. He then looked like he was going to cry and said he was going to go. So I hugged him and told him not to shut me out. He said okay and left.

I've been talking to him off and on over messenger since then. At one point I said I think what we have is worth it and that's why I'm going to make efforts towards making him happy. He then said no, it isn't like that, it's my fault. I was a bad boyfriend. I then tried to assure him otherwise, but I don't know what kind of effect it had on him.

I talked to him again online the other night, and he asked me what the difference between a friend and a lover is. I said I don't know, an extra step towards further intimacy I suppose, and more focused love. He asked if I ever felt butterflies in my stomach or had daydreams about him. I said I simply miss you when you're not with me and I love it when you are. He didn't even seem to hear that, he just went on to say that those are symptoms of love, and he doesn't feel them. Symptoms? I told him that butterflies and daydreams are, if symptoms is the word of choice, symptoms of a crush. I said you just asked me if I have a crush on you, not if I love you. It continued on like that with me trying to convince him that I wouldn't have felt so loved if he hadn't been loving me. He said 'by your definition of love it's just a physical act that can be directed at anyone' and I said 'it is, and in some special cases it's directed more strongly, like as in with a lover'. He then went away, said he had to shower.

I talked to him again last night. He told me he's over it for the most part, that there have been more ups than downs, and now he says him coming over to talk to me face to face and give me a real reason for all of this, instead of just a different excuse every time I talk to him, is a bad idea. So I told him to tell me over messenger, I told him to tell me what I did wrong so I can learn for possible future relationships. He said why does anything have to be fixed? I said because I did something wrong and I need to fix it. At that point my ride home told me he was ready, so I said write up a list and email it to me if you have to, just do it. And then I logged off.

So. Where am I right now? I'm lonely, I'm depressed, I'm still confused as hell. I do care about him very much, and the thought of him being completely over me, of me being non-existent after only two weeks, hurts more than anything. I don't feel like I'll ever find someone I can open up to like I did with him, and I don't think anybody will be able to accept me like he did. Plus I now have herpes, which will make it difficult I think to ever get close to another person. I don't know what to do, or what to think. I've never had this happen before, have never been this lost. Do I give him some time, is he just going through a scared phase? Will he come back to me? He was a very sad person when I first met him, how do I let him go back to being that miserable? He said I made him happy, that he was happy with me, so why is he ending that so he can be alone and unhappy? And is he really over it like he says he is, or is it just a lie that's easy to tell over messenger? Is that why he doesn't want to talk to me face to face?

Help.