Erratic Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 I'm hoping some one can shed some light on my problem for me. Let me start off by explaining a little bit about me. I'm a guy (around 30) and I am very insecure and lack self-confidence. Both have gotten better but were really about a year ago. I am divorce... close to being divorced. My wife had an affair and after a few months of trying to work things out I called it quiets because she felt that continuing to talk to him until she knew we were going to work out was a valid excuse. IMHO fixing a marriage after an affair does not have a plan B, especially the guy she had the affair with. But I digress; the problem I would like advice on now is other peoples past. Everybody has one, some good, some bad, most a little of both. What I am seeking advice on is how to handle some ones past. I realize that mine is not the easiest to deal with and I recognize that. However, when I start dating some one my curiosity gets the best of me and I eventually start asking questions. For example, "How many have you been with?" "Ever have a one night stand?" etc., etc. They get more blunt, but never vulgar and I try to ask in a very non-threatening way. I explain that if she does not feel comfortable with the questions then don't answer but I always hope to get an answer. I don't expect to hear I'm a virgin and have never been in love. I'm curious not naive. What seems to happen is, that I do in fact get answers and usually ask more questions. At some point it starts to bother me though but I did it to myself and can't figure out why it bothers me. I to have a past and it may not be as promiscuous as some but the emotional connection that I have had is can be threatening and probably more intimidating then a few not so serious relationships. So ultimately I am looking for advice on why this bothers me so much, why I ask if I know it will bother me, and what I can do to make it better. Thank you for any advice you may have, I look forward to hearing your opinions.
almostthere Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 Well...heres how i deal with people's pasts. I have been single now for 4 years (almost). I too am divorced. I married my high school sweet heart and since our break up have dating a lot. so i have two pasts if you will. my exh was mentally abusive and i make it a strong point in making sure the othr person knows there is no chance we will get back together. however, my dating past has been fun and adventerous and most of my stories i have to say "with a friend of mine" because they were usually someone i was dating. i just remind myself that everyone has a past. and until my most recent relationship i never let it bother me too much. but in my opinion it has been hard in my relationship now because he was in your shoes. almost exactly. except she did leave him for the other man after they tried for a few weeks to work past it. i mostly dated men without kids and without exwives. one of the things i remind myself is that the fact that i was with one person so long and still have to see him and talk to him on a weeekly basis because of our children may bother them. my dating past really bothers most men. my relationships lasted about 3 months at a time. so they felt all they had was 3 months. so just remind yourself .... the fact you were marrried and the afair she had was not your choice so you would have been married still today really bothers most women. but the simple fact of the matter is that this unfortunate turn of events in your life doesnt come without a bright side. now is your oppertunity to go out have fun, try new things, make new friends. and dont put too much stress on anyones past. its good to know a little about the person. but the simple fact is that they are there with you now. no one else who came before seems to matter anymore otherwise they wouldnt be a past...they would be a present and a future. good luck to you.
Walk Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 I have a tendency to ask for too much information too, and sometimes end up kind of regretting it. Wishing I hadn't asked, to a degree. Guess it's curiosity, a desire to understand where the other person is coming from, how their past may shape their future, and how that may compare to my own experience. Sometimes it bothers me, like when my bf talks about trips him and his ex used to take around the world. I always end up asking more about it, wondering why such and such happened, or curious about an aspect of it. Getting a bit jealous that he did all this wonderful stuff with her, and we've never even stayed a weekend somewhere other than home. I look at it like this... I take my past, and how I felt about it, and all the trips I've taken, people I've met and loved in my life, and realize I am where I'm at now because of all of those experiences. Some good, some bad. And I realize that my SO wouldnt' be here with me now, if it weren't for life taking him down the path he's gone. One variation to any of it, and we wouldn't have met, or we would have been vastly different people who wouldn't have been able to see the opportunity we had. So a part of me thanks all the women he's known in the past, especially the last ex, for giving me a wonderful man who realized what he wanted in an SO... because he had so many opportunities to see all the variations in what women could offer. And no matter how many women he's slept with, or places he's seen and traveled to, there are still a great many things "we" haven't done in this world. And that is what will make them special to us.
norajane Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 Are you maybe trying to figure out if she might one day cheat on you, based on information about her past? The more bothered you are about her past, the closer she seems to fit your idea of a potential cheater - someone who might hurt you?
Guest Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 We can't ridicule or find what if based on someone past. Their recollection is just that. Hopefully it was shared with a smile and the facts. I find being with someone, is special to me. Although I speak fo r myself, being with that special one is that and more. A learning experience to say the least... but special a t most. A new relationship is not based on their past, but enriched because of it. The trials and tribulations may be, but their choice is a renewed and fresh experience. Take it as it comes, and enjoy it. As time goes on hopefully the two of you will enjoy the togetherness, and allow it to come to fruition or together you will learn together a new experience. If not, then it could be taken as a better one! Don't worry your mind if its not to be. Life is too short. What's your number babey?
Author Erratic Posted May 30, 2006 Author Posted May 30, 2006 Are you maybe trying to figure out if she might one day cheat on you, based on information about her past? The more bothered you are about her past, the closer she seems to fit your idea of a potential cheater - someone who might hurt you? At first yes, and I learned a lot and feel like cheating is not something that she would do. Now, it is more morbid curiousity that has me asking to many questions. After what happened to my marriage I never intended to be in a serious relationship again. A few dates maybe friends but nothing that would ever put me in a position to get hurt like that again. But after a few months of dating this girl it's like all has been erased. I'm falling in love with her and she is amazing. It's been almost 2 years since the problems with my wife started I have dated a few people and spent a lot of time alone so I don't think this is me grasping for something that is missing in my life, that already happened and I recognized it and ended it...eventually. What's your number babey? Well according to the last chinesse take out I had my number is: 32 3 45 17 6 Thank you all for the advice, I keep telling my self that everyone has a past and no matter who I date I will never find the perfect person. No one is perfect but this girl is practically flawless and if her past is the only thing that bothers me well then that is just something I will learn to deal with. It's not like she did anything crazy and if it was not for her past she would not be the woman I am falling in love with today. Besides being with the same woman for 10 years is rather intimadting in it's own way and some people can't deal with that. Our relationship is going well and I have started to relax about the past hers and mine. It's her past and I am her future at least for now and reliving the past is never good I just want to learn from it so I do not become it. Any way thank you, and if you have any more words of encouragement by all means please share. My sanity is important and I'm not looking to sabotoge this relationship because of my insecurities and lack of confidence.
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