electricshake Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 I have been in a relationship for just over 6 months now and i'm only young so I would say it is my first ever 'serious' relationship. I was good friends with my boyfriend for three years before we got together and it took us a while until we declared ourselves 'official' because we didn't want to risk ruining our friendship etc. but we took the chance and it has all been wonderful. The friendship beforehand means that we are completely comfortable with each other, can do anything infront of each other, aren't afraid of insulting each other and are also in the same friendship group. All of my friends think we're made for each other, I get on incredibly well with his family and it seems that i'm in the perfect relationship. We told each other we loved each other a couple of months ago and I really believed I felt it and had been waiting for him to say it to me so I could say it back. However, recently i've been wondering if it really is love because it's my first ever relationship and I have nothing to compare the feeling with. My boyfriend told me a few days ago that he has never felt this way about a girl before and has realised how much he really does love me and it got me thinking even further that maybe his feelings are stronger than mine. It gets worse... Recently I have got to know this guy through a friend not in our normal social group and we've been out in a group a few times. This guy is pretty much my perfect guy appearance wise and my boyfriend knows about this and we joke about it. However, at the weekend due to a few problems, i ended up spending the day with him alone and we got on really well and I think I am developing feelings for the guy... I then found out that this guy apparently really likes me but is gutted I have a boyfriend... Now, i'm wondering WHY I think I have feelings for the guy because like I said, i'm in the perfect relationship. Is it just because I find him exceedingly attractive and any other bonus eg. him liking me is making him more appealing? I don' know what i'm feeling at all. Has anyone else been in this situation?
Author electricshake Posted May 23, 2006 Author Posted May 23, 2006 has anyone got any advice? i know this is a long thread but any help would be most appreciated.
Vertex Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 Classic case of "grass is greener" mentality. If your relationship is perfect then why look elsewhere? Is there something missing from your present relationship? Are your feelings for this other guy just surface-level or more towards love? Be careful though -- it's rare to have a relationship where you're also friends, which you seem to have, so don't bring this other guy into it unless you are sure you understand what you may be risking.
Yamaha Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 I would say that because your b/f told you of his strong feelings this is making you back off and question your own feelings for him. You don't know if you are ready for a serious relationship and this new guy is a challenge and you are very attracted to him. Usually when we have been with someone for awhile the newness of the relationship wanes and we just feel comfortable. This new guy is stirring up feelings and you are interested. I guess you have to make a decision if this new guy is worth ending your relationship with your b/f. You can go test the waters but it might get deeper that you planned and you might end up with nothing from your explorations. I think you need to analyze your feelings for your b/f and find out if you feel the same as him. If not then you owe it to him as well as you to end things as your heart is not with him. It is a tough decision and I would take your time and be honest with yourself.
Author electricshake Posted May 23, 2006 Author Posted May 23, 2006 thanks very much guys. It was definitely the admittance of my boyfriends feelings that stirred things up and when thinking about it, I think it's more that I wish i'd had a bit more experience with other relationships before being with my current boyfriend. That way I wouldn't feel as inadequate or inexperienced. I mean, i've even thought to myself that it would have been nice for something to happen with this other guy before things heated up with my boyfriend because that way i'd know the difference between love and lust... but still, the other guy stays on my mind and I just feel so guilty.
Sand&Water Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 The new guy, you've been talking about isn't the "entire picture" so to speak. There are much more things to a person, than his looks or personal vibe. The short (I'm assuming) time you've known this guy, you couldn't have possibly known his ins and outs. He may look, act, and speak like a Greek God, but how do you that he's boyfriend material. Doesn't prove anything, for the critical progression of the mind to move forward and go with the facts.
crazy_grl Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 That way I wouldn't feel as inadequate or inexperienced. I mean, i've even thought to myself that it would have been nice for something to happen with this other guy before things heated up with my boyfriend because that way i'd know the difference between love and lust... You can ignore my post if you want, because I think I'm havng a particularly bitter moment right now. But... Your post annoys me. From what you've said, you've got a great bf who was a good friend, who I would assume you're attracted to, who treats you well, and who you get along well with, but you're thinking of throwing that away because you think you have feelings for some guy you just met. Yeah, I'd say it's pretty clear you don't know the difference between lust and love. You're young though, so if you want to experience being with other people, let your bf go and go experience it. From what you've said, I'm not sure you can really appreciate what a good thing you've got until you find out how s***ty things can get. But whatever you do, don't cheat on your bf and don't spend any more time alone with this guy until after you break up.
Author electricshake Posted May 23, 2006 Author Posted May 23, 2006 I think you're getting the wrong idea. I've been saying i'm in the perfect relationship etc. and I do believe that. I wouldn't dream of breaking up with my boyfriend let alone cheat on him. It's just these feelings for the other guy that I have a problem with because I feel like crap for feeling them. I know it's not love in the slightest but there's the slight attraction there and that's what I have the problem with, not whether I am with the right guy. ...and like I said, the alone time wasn't planned at all. Our friends got delayed, there was a change of plan, they couldn't come and meet up and by the time we had left to go out, it was too late. If it shows anything, the entire time I was with the guy, I couldn't stop feeling guilty for just being with him and I couldn't get my boyfriend off my mind.
crazy_grl Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 I think you're getting the wrong idea. I've been saying i'm in the perfect relationship etc. and I do believe that. I wouldn't dream of breaking up with my boyfriend let alone cheat on him. Good, I'm glad I was wrong, cause I felt like smackin ya over the head there. Sorry bout that. Like I said, I'm bitter right now. Try to avoid seeing or spending time with this guy if you can. You've got to figure out what it is he's giving you that you're not getting from your boyfriend and figure out how you can get it from him. Maybe you're just looking for that initial spark of attraction and the excitement of it again.
SuperMonk Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 It's time to dump the guy. The reason you don't want to dump him because he's... ALMOST everything you want in the guy except for his looks. Or perhaps you are not really that close to your boyfriend in the first place. Usually I start paying attention to other girls if the girl I'm with is not getting me or just plain incompatible. I love it when women ask for advice about boyfriends, more than half of them rationalize and use the following phrases: 1. We have great sex (When is sex not great, it's supposed to be pleasurable, it only means he is trained your sexpertise may not be) 2. He is perfect (How is he exactly perfect, perfection is Michalangelo's David 100% perfect, nothing is perfect if you look at people's true physical bodies, if he was truly perfect you'd never bring this up)
norajane Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 I think you're getting the wrong idea. I've been saying i'm in the perfect relationship etc. and I do believe that. I wouldn't dream of breaking up with my boyfriend let alone cheat on him. It's just these feelings for the other guy that I have a problem with because I feel like crap for feeling them. I know it's not love in the slightest but there's the slight attraction there and that's what I have the problem with, not whether I am with the right guy. You are going to meet all kinds of wonderful men throughout your life. You will be attracted to some of them; it's human nature. Your boyfriend will also meet other women he's attracted to. He might even feel the same kind of ego boost you're feeling right now from knowing this other guy is attracted to you. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with your current relationship. It doesn't mean your attraction to new guy is a sign of anything other than you've met another person that you find attractive. You don't have to feel guilty about it or do anything but recognize it for what it is - an attraction among many - and let it go.
amerikajin Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 The previous post beat me to it. Even when you marry your dream guy, you will be attracted to other men, either emotionally or physically, and in some cases, both. And it's the latter tandem of the physical and emotional that can be especially potent. I don't think you can control your attraction to someone. If you're attracted, then you're attracted and that's that. What you can control, however, is your reaction to that attraction. If ever you feel like you are becoming too close to someone and you value your current relationship, you should back away from the other man. In your lifetime, you will probably find any number of people you are attracted to in some way. It's okay to talk to them, even to be light friends with them, but it is not okay if you know the friendship is getting too deep. It's just not fair to your current partner, and it's also unwise in the sense that you'll end up confusing yourself.
Author electricshake Posted May 24, 2006 Author Posted May 24, 2006 Thanks a lot guys, I think you've helped sort things out in my head a bit. The other guy even admitted that he had feelings for me last night but was going to ignore them because he knows friendship is all he can have with me. (In a way, makes it worse cos it shoes what a nice guy he is hahaha) He even told me to bring my boyfriend along the next time I go out with that social group... is this a good idea? ...but yeh, i'm thinking it probably is a stupid crush, just in the way I might feel about a celebrity or something. I'm just glad it's nothing I should feel ashamed of and that I am allowed to find other people attractive without having to feel guilty.
amerikajin Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 If you see this guy at all, I think your boyfriend should be there with him. But seriously, if you're developing feelings for this guy, I just don't know if it's a good idea to be around him that much. Your feelings may only grow stronger, and you may end up making comparisons between your guy and this other guy. I think you should limit your contact to chance encounters, but do what you wish.
Recommended Posts