gotmeheart Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 I tell my OM all the time he should go out, meet other women, and have fun. Dont wait for me, dont obsess about me, because I am not free. He tells me I am all he can think about, and God, he is too. I would be so hurt if he were to be with another woman, but I cant expect to keep him all to myself, that is why I tell him to find someone else. Yes, I would be jealous, hurt all that, but I also DONT want him to wait by the phone for me either. I dont want to hurt him like I read so many of the OW stories here. The fact that he is 10 years younger than me is also a reason I tell him to find someone else. I feel like I am screwing the lawn boy,(no, he doesnt mow my lawn) but it is so much more than that. Looking at him, talking to him, you would never guess his age, he is so mature. We truely feel connected, but I am so wrong on so many levels. I dont want to hurt him in anyway, but when I tell him to find someone else, do you think I am emotionally hurting him? I know I am worng, I just dont need to hear it over and over!
whichwayisup Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 He isn't going to find anybody else. He only wants YOU. Right now, you're in position of power. Assuming here, that you're married... And more than likely you aren't leaving your husband for this OM, right? Well, the right thing to do is, end it with the OM, let him be with a woman who will love only him - And you fix your marriage. I don't know what you really are after by posting here? Are you looking for a way of keeping both men in your life without hurting them both?? Sorry to say this, but that isn't possible. And, you're also hurting yourself. Lying to your husband, hurting him.
hokitika1246 Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 I tell my OM all the time he should go out, meet other women, and have fun. Dont wait for me, dont obsess about me, because I am not free. He tells me I am all he can think about, and God, he is too. I would be so hurt if he were to be with another woman, but I cant expect to keep him all to myself, that is why I tell him to find someone else. Yes, I would be jealous, hurt all that, but I also DONT want him to wait by the phone for me either. I dont want to hurt him like I read so many of the OW stories here. The fact that he is 10 years younger than me is also a reason I tell him to find someone else. I feel like I am screwing the lawn boy,(no, he doesnt mow my lawn) but it is so much more than that. Looking at him, talking to him, you would never guess his age, he is so mature. We truely feel connected, but I am so wrong on so many levels. I dont want to hurt him in anyway, but when I tell him to find someone else, do you think I am emotionally hurting him? I know I am worng, I just dont need to hear it over and over! something about your letter struck a deep, deep chord with me. i can't imagine how much it hurts him to hear you say that you want him to find someone else. how agonizing for him-- because he doesn't want someone else, and he doesn't want you to have someone else. only you DO have someone else, so he's in an impossible position. if you REALLY had his best interests at heart, you would tell him to find someone else, then go NC with him so he could actually grieve you and move on. he's in limbo right now and it's the worst place to be. you did say there's a 10-year age difference but you didn't say how old you are. are you thinking of leaving your marriage? if so, would you be leaving it regardless of him? a relationship with a 10-year age difference can work, easily. there's something else keeping you in this. if you want to do what's right, you'll go one way or the other.
gotmeheart Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 a relationship with a 10-year age difference can work, easily. there's something else keeping you in this. if you want to do what's right, you'll go one way or the other. Something else keeping me in this? Yes, him. We have been friends for a long time, what we have now is new to both of us. #1 he respects me, would never call me a name like my H does. He also emotionally supports me, loves me, has an interest in my children, I mean everything a woman would want! Why dont I leave my H? Why dont MM leave their wives? I dont want to loose everything I have, break my childrens hearts, and deal with a divorce, because I have strong feelings for someone else. My H has always cheated on me in our decade of marriage, I have been through hell and back because of his actions, which made it easy to fall for this guy. Doesnt make it right, I know. And to answer the other question, what am I to get out of posting this? I dont know. I dont have a fabalous answer for you. I am confused, I dont know what to feel, and posting my feelings because I dont know what else to do. I am sorry if my situation is not welcome.
hokitika1246 Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 Something else keeping me in this? Yes, him. We have been friends for a long time, what we have now is new to both of us. #1 he respects me, would never call me a name like my H does. He also emotionally supports me, loves me, has an interest in my children, I mean everything a woman would want! Why dont I leave my H? Why dont MM leave their wives? I dont want to loose everything I have, break my childrens hearts, and deal with a divorce, because I have strong feelings for someone else. My H has always cheated on me in our decade of marriage, I have been through hell and back because of his actions, which made it easy to fall for this guy. Doesnt make it right, I know. no, it doesn't make it right, but it makes it understandable. most of the people in this forum aren't making the "best", most optimal choices, but we're doing the best we know how. but you probably won't get a lot of sympathy from women who have been through the ringer with married men who won't leave their wives. i don't think you'll get outright judgment or rejection. but you can be yourself. but seriously. you said you don't want to lose everything you have--what do you have that's so great? an abusive and cheating husband? yee freakin hah. and yes, that does make it easier to fall for another guy-- and falling for another guy and living halfway is a heck of a lot easier than taking a WHOLE stand for yourself and leaving a relationship that stunts you. i had a long relationship with an MM myself and he was miserable in his marriage. abusive wife, no sex, and so on. and i could NEVER understand why he didn't leave. he didn't have a spine, and ultimately didn't want to be happy. and you know who ended up the fool was ME. well, actually, that's not true. in the end, it's him and his wife, because i healed and moved on and they're still with each other and still miserable. And to answer the other question, what am I to get out of posting this? I dont know. I dont have a fabalous answer for you. I am confused, I dont know what to feel, and posting my feelings because I dont know what else to do. I am sorry if my situation is not welcome. well i didn't ask those questions and i can't attempt to speak for another person, but i do think what WWIU asked is a fair question. what you said you wanted to know was whether you're hurting him emotionally-- and you asked a bunch of people who have been there, and you got an honest answer. maybe it wasn't the answer you wanted? what answer were you looking for? and in defense of this very honest group, anything is welcome, just expect to be told the truth. and that's the beauty of it. this is a no-denial zone.
Jessie61 Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 I tell my OM all the time he should go out, meet other women, and have fun. Dont wait for me, dont obsess about me, because I am not free. He tells me I am all he can think about, and God, he is too. I would be so hurt if he were to be with another woman, but I cant expect to keep him all to myself, that is why I tell him to find someone else. Yes, I would be jealous, hurt all that, but I also DONT want him to wait by the phone for me either. I dont want to hurt him like I read so many of the OW stories here. The fact that he is 10 years younger than me is also a reason I tell him to find someone else. I feel like I am screwing the lawn boy,(no, he doesnt mow my lawn) but it is so much more than that. Looking at him, talking to him, you would never guess his age, he is so mature. We truely feel connected, but I am so wrong on so many levels. I dont want to hurt him in anyway, but when I tell him to find someone else, do you think I am emotionally hurting him? I know I am worng, I just dont need to hear it over and over! If you know that you will never leave your H then you need to say it to your OM and to let him go. The sooner the better. Say it strongly and clearly so that your OM has no illusions or hopes to hang on to. No I don't mean that you should be cruel or rude to him, just use plain language that he just cannot misunderstand. This is the less hurtful way in the longrun for your OM. Keeping him hanging in there for crumbs and hoping that there is a future is TOTALLY unfair to him. You need to unselfish and "sacrifice" your own feelings for him and let him go to find someone who is available. On the other hand, if you want a future with your OM, then you need to talk to your H. I do appreciate that you have problems yourself in the marriage, and if course I can understand that you find yourself in this situation if OM is good and kind to you etc. But even a bad M doesn't "allow" you to continue this situation indefinitively. If you think the M can be fixed, work on fixing it (but you have to let OM go). If not, then get a divorce. Perhaps I am a bit protective of your OM in this situation because he is an OM, but also perhaps because he is younger than you? (I am only guessing, but is he in his 20's...? If you were in your 50's and he in his 40's, age would not be an issue, would it?) I think you need to THINK about what you want. There is no need to have two people "on the go".... It only causes hurt for everyone involved, and that actually includes yourself! And the longer it goes on, the worse it gets.... This is hard but it has to be done. Good luck!
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