eyeswideshut Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 Today my MM phoned me and spent the day with me. Of course, out of curiosity, I said yes. Just as a recap, we've been in a relationship for 9 months, but during the first 6, he was separated. Then, because his brother died, his life started spinning out of control and decided he'd try to work on his marriage. I understood that, because I guess, since he was off work, it was difficult for him to go through another difficult change in his life. However, since March, we've been seeing one another intermittently. (3 times) Add 2 more for this weekend. We never really spoke of the A, since I didn't believe we were going to be continuing, I really thought he was working things out with his wife, and slowly weaning himself off our friendship. i didn't contact him much, and since March, we've almost successfully reduced our email contacts and phone calls. But today, it reached the point of this will be a full-blown affair or nothing at all. I asked all the questions, he gladly answered them all and was very happy to be talking about all this. He told me for the first time that he loves me. Wow. That was an ice-breaker. I didn't say it back, I just blushed. He told me that he always wonders what it would be like with me since we are so compatible, and he doesn't see himself loving his wife as he did before. I was talking about my ex, and how I had greived him before breaking up with him, and he told me it was the same thing with his wife a year ago when he broke up with her. He says he doesn't love her anymore. He says she brings out the worst in him, and he doesn't feel good around her. I didn't ask him why he is working on his marriage, I just assume it's because he feels scared about the big D-word. he did mention that when he first broke it off and asked for a separation, he was a big jerk in everyone's eyes. Maybe he can't handle being a jerk in everyone's eyes right now? I don't know. Anyway. I told him that this A hurts. and he said he never wants to ever hurt me, and that everyday he struggles between his desire to call me and his fear of hurting me. It was the most romantic day ever, but I told him that I felt i couldn't really invest in this because it felt as though it was just a fantasy, and I couldn't let myself go in something that won't happen. I told him I would have to step away from his life. And asked him when he thought I would end it. He said: I had a feeling you would today. But then he said he would still write and still phone, because he couldn't not have me in his life. This is my rose-coloured analysis. I think he really loves me, has stopped loving her, is trying to see what mariage couseling will bring him, is afraid of being ostracized by his entire world (all her friends are his friends), and because of his brother's death, is unable to make any decision. (he's the same way with his job right now). He said his psychologist tells him he has escapism fantasies. It's true. He went away three times since December, alone, to hot countries. He can't face his life. I know i must do NC. But i feel so sad for him, and what he has to go through. Am I just so bad? He said: You have always made me feel good about myself. you make everything in my life okay again. So why is he still in his marriage? I know he is a sucker when it comes to women crying, his mother got extremely sick when his father left home when he was a kid, and she died. He says he still has issues about that. Do I keep the hope? Or is this hopeless? And if I do chose NC, how do I do it in the most gentle way possible? argh!!
Sami_D Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 Personally I think you're being far too soft on him. "Can't handle people thinking bad things about him" PAH. But it's OK to make you the OW, eh? YOU are allowing him to do this... you're just falling for a load of BS. (jmho)
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