My_Other_I Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 After I got over the A, I started to notice that I know right off the bat when people are having As. I see a couple and I just know. I also noticed that I am a lot less tolerant of affairs. Funny, isn't it. I can't even look at those people, wishing they knew what they were getting their SOs and themselves into. I find my self disgusted by their behavior. I can't make sense out of it. I'm the last one to judge, so WTF is wrong with my brain? Have I become something like ex-smokers/ex-drinkers? Now I'm over it and preach like crazy? I don't like this...why should I give a damn about others and their As? I don't have any feelings for my ex. I don't love, I don't hate. I don't waste my time thinking/feeling about him. I simply don't care. That makes me wonder where these feelings about other peoples' As come from? With this said, I am leaving the OW/OM forum. Obviously I am of no help at this point, having nothing to offer but my judgmental replies. It's been a pleasure, ladies. I have learned a lot. Has anyone else noticed these or similar things after leaving the A?
johan Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 I know the feeling. I had some emotional affairs at the office in years past. I was the single one, and the girl was generally married. One went too far, and I felt pretty bad about it afterwards. Now I can sense them going on around me. And I share your disgust. Why would I be so critical? I don't know. I should be very understanding. But instead my respect for them really drops. I guess I think it's silly of them to think they are fooling anyone. And I don't like what the behavior really means. The emotional affairs I was in tended to sneak up on me. I guess it was me acting as low as I ever have, and I regret it. Now I keep my love life contained and try not to let it spill over into other parts of my life. I've developed some pretty clear boundaries in my relationships.
Blind Illusion Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 I'm not past my affair long enough to have this same "gift" but I don't necessarily know that I will. You mentioned the experience of the reformed smoker and it's ironic because I made so sure that I never became one of those after I quit. (And haven't). I just figure that when the time is right, smokers will quit on their own terms and I guess so will people in affairs. That's my way, though. Maybe for you to get past this hurdle in life, you had to really feel and breathe that the affair was wrong. It doesn't make you judgmental---it might be just how you needed to perceive things for now so you could move on. That might even level off in time, you don't know. In any regard, I wish you all the best of you do decide to take a break or leave.
movinon05 Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 MOI, I wasn't here when you were going through your A and I don't know all the particulars, i.e. how long it was and how long its been. But I do know you have a BF now!! You now have a new perspective you can share with some of the NCers, giving them hope that some good will come to them in the future, just like you did in your recent post! This is just my perception from your post, but you still seem bitter. Its easy for us to tell people what we think they should do, and I thought maybe I could get help/give help to others going through the same thing. There were times I felt that I shouldn't be here because it made me think of him more. And there were times I thought if they could just read my story, then they would just end their A and I could have spared someone the heartache. You know as well as I do and a few others here that it doesn't work that way. The heart will feel what it feels and we can only offer friendship, guidance and experience. I see a whole flock of newcomers here and in only a few short months, I feel like the older sister, trying to help and guide, while still getting strength from my other sisters. For some reason, I feel the need to stay, not only for the friendships I have made, but for those who might be able to benefit from my experiences. If you don't feel that way, I can understand. But I find it hard to believe, after having gone through what these girls are going through now, that you don't have some kind of compassion, and remember yourself in their situations. You have much you can offer them. If you choose to go, no one would blame you. You have every right to move on with your life and put your past behind you. But if you choose to, you might help someone else if you stayed around with your wisdom. (Or maybe you're just having a bad day!)
RealityCheck Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 MO.... *applause*..well said! AND; that's why we love you!!! *Big Hug*
Author My_Other_I Posted May 23, 2006 Author Posted May 23, 2006 Good points. I might be over my ex, but I might not be over questioning what lead me to an A in the first place.
movinon05 Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 Good points. I might be over my ex, but I might not be over questioning what lead me to an A in the first place. Don't we all! And that's the bond we share.
RealityCheck Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 MO..... *clink* I'll drink to that! Who the F... knows is an accurate assessment indeed!
whichwayisup Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 Sometimes people outgrow LS and don't feel the need to be around reading more stories about things that they're trying to get past. There was someone in the infidelity section and his wife was cheating on him, they worked it out. He tried to stay on LS to help out others, he would share his experiences, but then he started finding it hard to sit and read more stories of others, he would read and it would trigger things off inside him, so he left. Maybe this is not the place for you to be posting in, a reminder of what your life once was and now you've changed and are much stronger and wiser. Good luck in life and stay happy.
aktieb0cka Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 After I got over the A, I started to notice that I know right off the bat when people are having As. I see a couple and I just know. I also noticed that I am a lot less tolerant of affairs. Funny, isn't it. I can't even look at those people, wishing they knew what they were getting their SOs and themselves into. I find my self disgusted by their behavior. I can't make sense out of it. I'm the last one to judge, so WTF is wrong with my brain? Have I become something like ex-smokers/ex-drinkers? Now I'm over it and preach like crazy? I don't like this...why should I give a damn about others and their As? I don't have any feelings for my ex. I don't love, I don't hate. I don't waste my time thinking/feeling about him. I simply don't care. That makes me wonder where these feelings about other peoples' As come from? With this said, I am leaving the OW/OM forum. Obviously I am of no help at this point, having nothing to offer but my judgmental replies. It's been a pleasure, ladies. I have learned a lot. Has anyone else noticed these or similar things after leaving the A? Good for you!! I hope to join you one day soon and that I will develop the same feelings you have. I bet you just want to shake those people and yell at them...don't do it, you have no clue what the hell this is going to do to you!!! Good Luck!!!
sylviaguardian Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 MOI, It would be a shame if you left, when you have so much wisdom to give. As for why you feel this way...I can only guess that you have the benefit of the wisdom to see exactly where it is leading and how it will turn out. People like to think that they are 'different' and 'special' but really we all end up doing the same things. I guess it's a bit like watching someone we know go back to a partner who mistreats them and who says that they have changed. It's hard to be sympathetic when they come back in a couple of months and tell you that they have had a another smack in the mouth when it wasn't a big surprise to you (even though it seems to be to them). I kinda relate to what you say though, even although I am on the other side of the fence. Since my husband's affair I am much more aware of other people who I think are cheating and am generally just much more sensitive to the state of other people's relationships. I think you just get tuned into things better. You probably get annoyed because they are still in denial whereas you can pretty much tell where it will end. I found out only last week that my husband's brother had been cheating on his wife too. As far as he is concerned, it meant nothing, is over and he will work more on the marriage. I didn't want to tell him that: 1) It will come out sooner or later because his wife is already suspicious 2) Everything he is doing now to help the relationship is a waste of time because his wife will just see that he was trying to cover up his guilt I get weary when I think of what he, his wife and their kids will be going through when it comes out. And I want to brain him for his stupid thinking - i.e. 'married life with kids is tough so I think I'll have some fun with someone I work with' then 'actually this is not solving anything - think i'll dump the OW' then 'how dare the OW be angry and dump me in it'. Aaarrrgghhhh! I just want to scream. I used to think he was nice guy, now I have -100 respect for him. By the way, MOI have you ever thought of hinting to the people that you see that you know EXACTLY what is going on?? Might help them in the long run. Syl
sylviaguardian Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 P.S. I forgot to say that now I can pinpoint men who I think will be likely to have an affair at some point. Only time will tell whether I am right or not but I am fairly confident. Could be a useful skill for me in the future!
Shoestring Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 P.S. I forgot to say that now I can pinpoint men who I think will be likely to have an affair at some point. Only time will tell whether I am right or not but I am fairly confident. Could be a useful skill for me in the future! Hi I am interested in what are the signs which you can pinpoint the men.
Sami_D Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 Well I suppose I can't consider myself out of the A entirely yet, since I still love him even though we're NC. But: I also noticed that I am a lot less tolerant of affairs. Funny, isn't it. I can't even look at those people, wishing they knew what they were getting their SOs and themselves into. I find my self disgusted by their behavior. For me it's the opposite. I've never considered myself a judgmental person at all, but in the past I've always been fairly disgusted by people having affairs, and never in a million years thought I would get involved with a MM. And now..? Well the egg certainly is all over MY face. I'm far more tolerant of how these things can happen... at least from the POV of people who are in affairs where love and affection is involved. My MM is the same... was always critical of affairs... and now... ha ha ha.
Jessie61 Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 For me it's the opposite. I've never considered myself a judgmental person at all, but in the past I've always been fairly disgusted by people having affairs, and never in a million years thought I would get involved with a MM. And now..? Well the egg certainly is all over MY face. I'm far more tolerant of how these things can happen... at least from the POV of people who are in affairs where love and affection is involved. This is actually how I feel too! In my "arrogant youth" (OK, that is said "tongue in cheek"!!! ) then I would have been much more "black and white" about things, sure didn't I know everything there is to know about everything??? But now life has taught me that you can "never say never", that most things are not so "black and white", and that you should not be so fast to judge.... Yes, that doesn't mean that I get weary hearing the same old ding dong from people for 10 years running and nothing appears to be changing despite you having the same conversation with them more times than you care to remember.... But I am still slow to "throw people to the lions"... One day it could be me, right????
Guest Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 you feel this way because......... YOU HAVE LEARNED YOUR LESSON Kuddos for that! Now, if we could all follow in your footsteps......
ronnieromance Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 After I got over the A, I started to notice that I know right off the bat when people are having As. I see a couple and I just know. I also noticed that I am a lot less tolerant of affairs. Funny, isn't it. I can't even look at those people, wishing they knew what they were getting their SOs and themselves into. I find my self disgusted by their behavior. I can't make sense out of it. I'm the last one to judge, so WTF is wrong with my brain? Have I become something like ex-smokers/ex-drinkers? Now I'm over it and preach like crazy? I don't like this...why should I give a damn about others and their As? I don't have any feelings for my ex. I don't love, I don't hate. I don't waste my time thinking/feeling about him. I simply don't care. That makes me wonder where these feelings about other peoples' As come from? With this said, I am leaving the OW/OM forum. Obviously I am of no help at this point, having nothing to offer but my judgmental replies. It's been a pleasure, ladies. I have learned a lot. Has anyone else noticed these or similar things after leaving the A? You're not over your ex. If you were, and you had no wounds or had resolved and learned from the relationship, you would be grateful for the experience. By saying you feel nothing for him, and by your feelings for affair-havers you tell me that you feel something you're surpressing. That's my view of it. Are you dating now? Webdate is a great place to meet some people in a platonic, no stress group environment. No affairs wanted. -R-
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