Why does a girl ask for No Contact

[riobikini]

RichNZ:

 

re: " I think I'm gonna give up on this site. Thanks to all those that took the time to read what was happening and your nice words. It has helped.

However, most just skim through,.... make assumptions and spill words that don't make any sense nor do they apply to whats going on. Is kinda gettin me down."

 

Some, like myself, sometimes, respond to what appears as your primary question listed in your heading: " Why does a girl ask for 'NC'?"

 

Don't give up on the site.

 

It's all good.

 

-Rio

[Guest]

rich i really feel for you hunny.have you read my thread called upset over relationship with older man ? maybe we can help each other ? i'm in a similar situation to you.my thread needs updating too but i'll let you know the rest of it when you've read that part

 

Take care

 

xxx

[eyeswideshut]

Rich,

 

you know when you said she told you she loved you more?

Well, I was the same way too. And I still believe that I loved him more.

When we were together, he never agreed with me, he thought I was quirky, and he loved me for being so different from me. But he stood strong on his value system and i just gave up because we always had to prove our point to one another.

Then i met a guy who was just like me, and it was bliss for a year, and of course he was the rebound guy, so I hated him after that.

I still love my ex.

But i can't go back to him, you know why? once the vase is cracked, it's always a cracked vase. the magic is over.

Sometimes, I look at the bigger picture and think, love isn't what carries you through a relationship. it's the day to day stuff. and we weren't able to handle day to day stuff. it was all just passion.

that's why it hurt to break up and to see him coming back. when he stopped contacting me, I thought it was because he loved me so much he let me go, and then, he came back really strong, and that just killed me.

You know, breaking up is not easy for the one who does it. You just have to realize that sometimes two people are not meant to be, it's not their destiny.

One day I hope we always care for one another, in our old age. Its' like the Joe Dimaggio and Marilyn story. They weren't made for one another, but boy did he love her until the day he died.

It's sad, It's life.

Please take comfort in the fact that you did love. and you will again.

Now i am in love again, but I am with a MM. so it's never going to work out. I'm probably doomed and i made someone suffer so i am meant to suffer. but now i live the other side. I have to deal with this MM's indecision. and it kills me, I just want him to say yes or no. I was never able to say yes or no. So I have to do NC with my ex, because I want him to truly heal. Begin healing. it hurts, worse than hell, but respect her if that's what she wants. and she will be thankful for it. and maybe one day, she will look back and see how generous you've been with her.

Just believe in your destiny.

and take care.

[RichNZ]

Being so young (21), do you think its possible that she may contact me later after uni has finished for good and she's back in my town full time.

Just that she wont be around the flat mates anymore that were jealous n didnt like me, and she wont be in that party party party environment, that i guess our full on relationship pulled her back from.

It sucks, because we both agreed, that if we had met a year later, when we weren't in different cities (2 hrs apart) that basically most of our problems wouldn't have happened.

She asked me just before we broke up (u see yourself marrying me eh), I said so far I cant see why not, but if we did thats way down the track. Maybe committment freaked her out, apparently her parents real bad devastating break up could be a contributor to this thinking. Thing was we were so compatible, we were dynamite together. I just would love to think one day maybe in a year or two, we could reconcile.

Why, she jumped on the band wagon with another guy so quick after saying "I have just never been single before" "never been able to just do and go places without needing to tell someone"

Then she's all of a sudden seeing someone else.

I'm doing a bit better now, but just cant work it out in my head. I miss her so much. Just the little things that happen, always want to share with her but can't.

I often wonder if she thinks the same, or whether i just simply never even hardly pop into her mind. She was so excited about doing a university hospital placement (shes a trainee nurse) in the maternity sector and that she might get to help deliver a baby which shes never seen. Just things like that, if it happens, will all she wanna do is tell me about it (but knowing she can't).

Don't worry Im still not gonna contact her. I've taken her phone number off my phone. Put it on a piece of paper and gave it to my mother if I ever need it one day.

[RichNZ]

If she did contact me in the next couple of months, like "hey how is everything going for you?" or "how are you" what should I do?

[RichNZ]

Where does such a young girl (who was often quite niave) get her strength from. Advice from family I guess.

[eyeswideshut]

If she contacts you,

 

hmm.

 

Do not be a sad sap. Girls hate that. Women even more.

You know what women are attracted to??

go to askmen.com

and find some answers there.

Women go wild over a man who has incredible confidence in himself, and who loves life.

Go out there, and find something you love doing.

THe first guy i dumped was so incredibly "poor me" that it totally turned me off. and I was like: oh god, he can't live without me. he is so dependant. how sad.

the best guys who made me fall for them were those who were able to be my best friend. you know, who loved me for who i was, and didn't put pressure.

how do young girls get so much assurance?

From my experience, and from the people i know, it's always been more difficult for a guy to get dumped. Men are so vulnerable and sensitive about that. and get less support in general from their buddies.

I have a young friend, he's 21 too. and whenever a girl breaks it off with him, it is soo hard on him, he's like a baby. even if beforehand he was thinking of breaking it off with her.

women are quite resilient. they have good support groups. I find it's easy when you are a girl and dumped. everyone wants to take care of you.

this one guy who really broke my heart, i was in bed for days (young puppy love I was 18), and every one including his friends wanted to take care of me.

but one person who helped me a lot told me this simple rational fact:

love goes both ways.

if she doesn't love you back, it's NOT love.

so just look at it as an experience. a hurtful one. but this is not love. love isn't supposed to hurt. passionate love hurts, but passionate love is not love either. it's only one another's dramas and issues feeding off each other. I realized that too when i went for therapy after i broke it off with my fiance after 8 years. I kept saying: but I love him! why can't i be with him? and she kept saying: you have an emotional connection. but it's not love. if it were love, you would know it. and you wouldn't have that little voice inside of you that told you to break up.

it's true. and when you are ready again, the universe will send you someone. I found someone when i was able to let go of him. someone so perfect and someone who made me feel good about myself like no other. Before i always used to doubt myself, like: eesh, I hope he doesn't get too attached, too possessive.

what was i so afraid of? I thought i was a commitment phobe, because i kept dumping really good guys. and this one I was supposed to marry!

but then when i met this one now, I had no fears. right off the bat, (well after many months) I felt free, I felt like this wasn't prison. it gave me wings, literally. i could see myself with him forever, and the little voice that scared me so much before, was gone.

Do not worry, if there is pain, this much pain, it isnt the love for you.

The love for you is out there. and it will bring you joy, not pain.

Try to grieve this, and to do this, you need to say goodbye. not forever, just for now, it will hurt less this way.

but be open to new experiences. if she's the one, she'll be back no matter what you do. just don't be a sorry sap. that's all.

you will come out of this a better man. i promise.

[RichNZ]

Thanks eyeswide shut.

I think alot of that was my problem. I had so much goal clarity and confidence before we met. Then my life started gettin real hard as things went wrong for me. I looked to her for support. Her life was hard too, hated uni, dad an alcoholic. I think she needed propping up, and i was just down too. Then I quit my business to look for a full time better job, thought it would ehlp things, but couldn't find one and started gettin really unhappy. I think this turned her off. I needed support and she found me weak. It sucks, coz i am a strong person, but she was my crutch this time. Im wildly lookin for a great job and wanna turn my life upside down. How can I get her to see this once ive done it.

[RichNZ]

The gutting thing is,.... it took her so long to break it off. She'd try.... then get too upset and say it wasn't right and then want me in her life. This went on for weeks. She was up down up down up down. Then had to make a decision for the both of us and stick to it. Even after she broke it off she was upset.

I guess, i shouldn't have confronted her when i found out about the new guy, and shouldn't ahve contacted her. I didn't go over board, but she just went real cold and hurtful. I'm hoping I haven't done too much damage.

i just dont get the new guy thing SOOOOO quick! How is she thinking, after the break up was so hard for her, how does she switch so quick?

[RichNZ]

I've since had two offers for going out with two diff gals. One is an ex, so treadin v carefully there, and the other is keen on me. I just feel SO SO SO guilty if I went near either of them. Just wouldn't feel right towards my ex........ even though she is my EX. Why does it feel so wrong and not good of me, like I'm doin something bad, yet she's off floosing with some fulla already so so fast,..... like straight after we finished our relationship. How'd she do it especially when she was so upset about the breakup and found it so hard. I know, i shouldnt ask so many questions and want to know so much, but understanding and getting others opinions that may have done the same thing does help me so much.

[Guest]

hi rich was just wondering if you wanted to help.i think my thread is on page 10.if not i'll let you know what page

[Guest]

Well, there's a problem right here - you treated her like a *princess*. Most women - ESPECIALLY young women - do not care to be treated as *princesses*... they would rather be treated as women in a balanced relationship.

 

You sound like a *nice guy*... and not in a good way. You need to grow some backbone here. Forget about *stalking* her and start working on you. Grow a backbone. Set some boundaries. Have some goals... and not the *realtionship-oriented* ones either. No more *princess* rubbish. That's high-school malarkey... you're 27 not 17.

 

When you get your life together the right woman will come into it.

 

AND DO NOT EVER CONTACT THE X FOR ANY REASON!!!

 

Totally agree.

 

Mate, it's time to grow a set and move on.

[Guest]

Yeah mine did that too. They dont want you,.... but occasionally have meloncoly moments as such where they start thinking..... thats when they're nice. Hate it how ur not allowed to contact them,.... but very now and then they decided to contact you.

 

Ok, you don't want to be a chump, right? So you've had no contact, at her request, but then in a melancholy moment she calls you up. This is what you do - take the phone, place it back on its handset, turn the ringer off, go out, have a few beers with the boys, and if you're lucky land a hot piece of ass for the night. She calls again the next day asking why, so you tell her "what part of no contact don't you understand?" and hang up again. No talking, no emails, ignore her birthday, don't come to her future wedding, NO CONTACT, get it?

 

Just stop communicating with her, don't let her get in touch with you, stop thinking about her entirely. She's just messing with your head, and like a sap you're falling for it. Just grow up and move on.

[andyp6]

Hi Rich, you are NOT alone. Don't give up on the group, many posts from Rio and eyeswide are the best advice (the rest of the advice is great too..but those two helped me particularly). Trust me I'm gong through almost EXACTLY what you are going through. I was dumped 4 weeks ago and I've been to hell and well I'm still looking for the exit door to tell the truth. I share many of your frustrations, pain, hurt, anger, confusion, depression, lonliness and yes I've been suicidal with it. Rio helped me a lot..see the threat "How the hell do I handle this" for what she told me, it does help.

 

I've had the same questions as you, same feelings, it's my ex's birthday 1 July so I even have the same dilemma!

 

In total it's now been 3 1/2 days of no contact, the last thing she texted was "darling let me go". She does still feel that love, she told me as much, which is why I'm so messed up. There are many reasons for this, most posted in this place.

 

Eyeswideshut sums things up well in that "once the vase is cracked it's always cracked" (but I still want to fix it) and "if she doesnt love you back it's not love". I am trying, and yes it is so very tough, to do NC, to snap out of my depression, to keep the pills put away (RIO please note ) to take the advice and get on with things. IF she knows i'm not moping around, and getting on with things and IF there is a chance of her coming back (although shes probably with the guy she had a few casual dates with) in the future then I have to be confident, strong and someone she wants to come back to not that she feels compelled to becuase I'm hurting...does that make sense?

 

Hang in there, you're not alone, I feel it too, and by posting here, writing it down, listening to the replies...it does help, slowly at first, minute by minute...then it's hour by hour and I'm on day by day now.

 

Keep talking.

 

Andy

[Carlthecoffeeaddict]

The best advice has been given, and that is to forget about her man.....This stuff happens all the time, to everyone, and it's part of the price you pay for love. My observations of you Rich are:

 

A) you have devoted your entire life to this girl

 

B) you commit your entire outcome of her responses to how you feel, in other words, she can make your day or she can ruin your day, and you can't live that way. Her life isn't your life. you need to have a life that is all about you, Girls will be attracted to that, and they will come and go, but your life should not revolve around your gf

 

C) she is 21, you are 27. Different paths in life. when I was 21, I would not even think of dating a 27 yr old. 21-23 yr olds are experimenting, living wild and rarely are ready for commitment. They are very immature, have no idea what they want, and how can you expect someone to be level headed as you are? since you have experienced more life than her, you need to let her be. if she loves you she'll come back, if not then, it was fun, move on.

 

D) Anything that she does to you, is something you shouldn't take personal. If you take it personal, then you are suffering needlessly.

 

Solutions to moving on:

 

Move somewhere else

move to America

Get Immersed in a hobby

Stay single and find new friends

Talk about something else in Loveshack!

[riobikini]

re:

 

Andy:

" I am trying, and yes it is so very tough, to do NC, to snap out of my depression, to keep the pills put away (RIO please note ) to take the advice and get on with things. "

 

(Smile) Duly noted, Andy.

 

Figured as much ('nother smile) -you're still breathing/posting/complaining your a*s off...(kidding) ....and *best of all growing through the experience.*

 

 

You're gonna be ok.

 

Yours,

-Rio