Why does a girl ask for No Contact

[RichNZ]

Thanks Daphine, its nice to not hear "get over it!!!!" from someone.

i do wanna be over it, really. But it's i think its impossible for me to just stop caring. I have ahd two offeres since the word was out im single, i will go on dates, but will be so hard when ur heart is with someone else. These girls don't even compare. huuuuhh.

[RichNZ]

Thanks eyeswideshut. We did both say, maybe we met at the wrong times in our lives and it was a shame we didn't meet a year later when we were living in the same town full time. It just sucks she's run straight into someone else, she met during our breakup. He has just come out of a long term relationship too. I think they got talking and must have connected.

I find it hard to think i couldnt even bare to be with someone else right now, the thought makes me sick, but it was the first thing she did. I'm hoping it doesn't work out. Next year when she has finished uni and is in the same town as me, i would love to try things again. i guess thats why I wanna stay in contact. i also understand, that after any break up, u need a few months of NC anyway. I just hope one day she calls. Really hope. i'm sorry but I can't just let go of that hope. I will be looking for other relationships and gettin on with my life, but i will always have that hope.

[daphne]

Rich,

 

Trust me, I understand you. I was in your shoes 2 years ago. Trying to hold onto something I couldn't control didn't work. This time I'm dealing with someone who is a much better person so I'm doing things right. No contact has been amazing. But I also realize that if it doesn't work out, I'll be fine. I'm moving forward with my life and if he chooses to come back the right way, that's great. If not, I'm still moving forward. Part of that means dating others. I dated a bunch of guys in the beginning but my heart wasn't in it. I liked the attention but I was still hung up on the ex. Seeing him this weekend made me realize that he may not be all that since he put me through what he has and now I'm raedy to move forward with another guy. If the ex does come back, I'll figure it out then. But I'm going to carry on as if he's never going to get what I need. Hopefully the new guy will work out though, since I don't really see the ex stepping up.

[eyeswideshut]

whatever you do, don't contact her if that's what she doesn't want.

Nothing helps. Love letters, regrets, cards, etc.

It just makes everything harder.

Breakups are hard, even for the one who is breaking up.

All you can do is trust that time will make it better.

And that your destiny will work itself out as it should.

Maybe you were not meant to be for now. Maybe as hard as it is to imagine, you will meet someone far better for you.

Just trust that if she was everything you ever wanted, you will meet someone that is everything you ever wanted and more.

Work on you right now.

You are young and you have your life ahead of you.

Take care,

[RichNZ]

Myself and her Father became quite good friends.

He keeps trying to tell her shes done the wrong thing. i told him to stop coz it doesn't help my situation.

We get along well. She asked me not to contact him too. I said, we have become friends. I might stop by his place every 4 months or so for a coffee and that it wont be to talk about you. I said, i might briefly ask how your doing but thats it. She wasn't keen on the idea. That sucks too. He has asked her about her new guy like i did, and she denied it, said they were just friends. When i caught them together, i so wanted to tell him, but have even managed to not do that, and have no contact from him either. It sucks though coz i think she wanted me apart from her father because she knows he'll be wild about this new guy. She has been home a few times but not been to see him. She will eventually say, it turned into a relationship from a friendship, let him in on it slowly.

 

He hates the idea because, her mother left her for another man. Is strange because she disoened her mother for years after that and lived with her dad. She always said to me she wld never do that to anyone. Now she keeps away from her dad and spends all her time with mum who can only tell her what she wants to hear. Is almost justifying to her daughter what she did to her dad. it sucks. i dnt want her being influenced by her mother. Her dad is the one with the brains and morals.

 

It sucks when you dont only love a person, but you really care for them too and hate the track they are going down. i wish i was a friend on the outside so i could ket her know.

 

She's so special and i dont want her going to the dogs.

 

God I love her, this sucks

[RichNZ]

I also think her mother was REALLY encouraging her with this new guy too. He has been fed with a silver spoon. His parents set him up with a company and he now runs it. He's loaded and has everything. Only want wats best for their daughter. I did two degrees so haven't been out of uni long and have no money. Her mum has set this up. lus her dam friends from uni she lives with made her life so dam hard. She would come home from seeing me and be all smiles, so they'd tease her right to the point where she'd get quite down about it. Then when we had an upset, she would go to them, and they'd just say they don't like me and to leave. Can people just succumb to too much pressure. Was it all too much for her. i know love is supposed to conquor all, but is it sometimes too hard.

 

This is helping me, sorry about the novels.

[concretelove]

another really confusing thing............

2 weeks after the break up, supposed to be having no contact. this happened several hours BEFORE i caught her with new boy.

........ she sends me a text saying "have you heard the song by james blunt 'goodbye my lover', it like what we've been through"

 

can anyone tell me why she sent that? i listened to the song and its really sad. about missing somebody and loving somebody after a break up.

 

My dear I would like to sum all of this up for you in a few bullets; I'm 44 very appealing to the eye professional woman and have no problems meeting men: However, at my age I have met many men, Great men.A a rule

 

When a woman end it with a man as friends is because:

• We were never that intimate in sharing of ourselves.
  
• It wasn't all chemistry; meaning sexual
  
• W e were only attractive to his humor and personity.
  
• He was potenial, but there always was a someone else, we had our eye on and waiting. He was you were just a "Fill-In", Free Enterprise.
  
• Potenial, Love, but be free to leave when ready, meaning not giving all myself.

When you here "NO CONTACT"

 

• If you do; I may contact the autorities?
  
• you are a potenial weirdo, May have problems getting ridnof, better threat to keep him away? You weirded her out?????
  
• I'm really into this " New Relationship", want no outside inteference.
  
• However, the relationship ended , she blames you, and will not forgive or let go of that memory.

My dear move on, the song was a message, " LEAVE ME ALONE", EVEN IT I HAVE TO HURT , LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[RichNZ]

If i was a fill in free enterprise she would never had started talking about our exciting future together.

She is a very loving and caring person who doesn' like to hurt people. Not the type of person you are depicting here.

I would say "i love you",........ she would say "i love you more"

 

Sorry doesn't add up to alot of what u r saying

[RichNZ]

Oh and I'm not a weirdo, nor did i weird her out. She contacted me alot more than i contacted her after the break up. All i would ever do on occasion would be reply to her text. All i did was send a card to say goodluck, and i'm here as a friend if you need a shoulder ever.

 

You've made big assumptions and its not fair to do so, especially in a negative context.

 

All we ever were, were in love from both ends. We had a ball together and were both friends. Im posting here to look for answers and to get things off my chest. I was not a fill in and I know I meant alot to her by the things she both said, and wrote in letters to me. She is a lovely person.

[lone56wolf]

I haven't been annoying her with phone calls or texts, I've only bin replying to hers.quote]

 

She can't have it both ways, and if she wants to, she's playing a cruel head game with you, buddy. Sometimes, people just change their minds for reasons they don't feel they have to explain. I can empathize. Been there a few times before. It sucks - but that's life.

 

Wolf

[RichNZ]

so what do people think about me contacting her in 2 1/2 months for her birthday,...... or do you think even by then she will go "oh my god" and put her defences up even more. Is it enough time.... 2 1/2 months no contact??? Before she'll feel safe saying hi?

[RichNZ]

ok, I'm starting to get annoyed with the whole situation now. Its doing me head aches, causing me heart ache and I'm getting very tired with head aches. This is her doing. I don't deserve it. All I did was treat her like a princess from the beginning. i made a huge effort for her the whole way through the relationship. I didn't know any better and did my best for her. loved her and looked after her. Why should I suffer.

I'm hoping this "oh stuff it" attitude is still with me in the morning. I think its what and how i need to be thinking as much as i never wanted to. i think i need to make myself think these things, otherwise this could go on for years to come.

Get annoyed with her........ I think it'l help me get over her.

Damn it.

[riobikini]

My personal reasons for using 'NC' with ex:

 

He was commitment-phobic (chronic, life-long, dyed-in-the-wool) -and didn't see any reason to change the behavior.

 

His being commitment-phobic meant that there would never be any security to the relationship. i.e. it meant that there would never be anything more than a 'long-range-but-never-quite-wrapped-up' plan to live under one roof with the ease, comfort, and security of an entire family pulling together in the belief that we'd all be together, reaching for the same goal the next day, and the next, etc.

 

It was 'open-ended'.

 

Open-endedness is a word, in my opinion, used to describe things like death/eternity, -but even that has an attainable goal and certain rewards to merit conscious decision, commitment, and effort.

 

Commitment-phobia is forever and certainly without positive, meaningful rewards -unless the person having it, chooses to change things and *fix it*.

 

'NC' was chosen because *there was no reason for me to work on a problem that I had no power to correct*, -so rather than waste my efforts on something worthless, *I changed my own circumstances*, instead.

 

Hope this helps someone understand one of the top reasons for 'NC".

 

-Rio

[lone56wolf]

@RichNZ....

In your last post here, you are starting to sound a tad abusive. That would even weird me out. Perhaps she saw it too and that's the reason for NO CONTACT. Have you ever met her? Until your eyes actually meet, she's not real. Best advice is to get over her and get on with your life.

 

Bon chance....

Wolf

[SmoochieFace]

All I did was treat her like a princess from the beginning. i made a huge effort for her the whole way through the relationship. I didn't know any better and did my best for her. loved her and looked after her. Why should I suffer.

 

Well, there's a problem right here - you treated her like a *princess*. Most women - ESPECIALLY young women - do not care to be treated as *princesses*... they would rather be treated as women in a balanced relationship.

 

You sound like a *nice guy*... and not in a good way. You need to grow some backbone here. Forget about *stalking* her and start working on you. Grow a backbone. Set some boundaries. Have some goals... and not the *realtionship-oriented* ones either. No more *princess* rubbish. That's high-school malarkey... you're 27 not 17.

 

When you get your life together the right woman will come into it.

 

AND DO NOT EVER CONTACT THE X FOR ANY REASON!!!

[Guest]

Don't contact her after 2 1/2 months for her birthday. Don't contact her after 2 1/2 years if she doesn't initiate contact.

 

You keep looking for a loophole in this situation. Sorry to be so blunt, but you are currently OUT OF HER LIFE. PERIOD.

 

She may change her mind in the future, but until she does, you are not a welcome part of her life IN ANY CAPACITY.

 

You may be lucky in the long run. By initiating NC, she has kept you from making a fool of yourself begging, crying, etc. You never know what the future holds, but don't sit around trying to figure it out. You won't.

[GB111]

Don't contact her after 2 1/2 months for her birthday. Don't contact her after 2 1/2 years if she doesn't initiate contact.

 

You keep looking for a loophole in this situation. Sorry to be so blunt, but you are currently OUT OF HER LIFE. PERIOD.

 

She may change her mind in the future, but until she does, you are not a welcome part of her life in ANY CAPACITY.

 

You may be lucky in the long run. By initiating NC, she has kept you from making a fool of yourself begging, crying, etc. You never know what the future holds, but don't sit around trying to figure it out. You won't.

[MTK]

Definately don't start clinging now. Yeah, you may think that you need to do that now, but stop. Take 2 1/2 months and then some to sort yourself out, improve yourself, date, and move on. You'll kick yourself in the butt when you realize what a mistake you made by begging/pleading to her/ showing how weak you are to her. Save your face, grow a backbone, try to date or at least get out of the house.

 

I wish my friends had told me this advice when my crap happened but no one knew (I'll use age as an excuse here) about NC/etc.

 

You'll save yourself the embarrasment later. You didn't break up with her, she did that to you. So, old RichNZ isn't her type now, or at this time in her life. Use the relationship as a stepping tool to go get someone better or what's she's missing now. What better way to give an ex the middle finger by improving yourself beyond your previous capabilities. You'll feel like crap now, but you'll feel worse when you look back at yourself 2, 3 months down the road acting like a fool.

 

If she cared about you, she'll probably always have some sort of interest in you and what you're doing. Cut the contact, pick yourself up, brush off, and keep playing. I'm sure a woman wants/would like a guy that can handle a hit, and keep going. Maybe if she sees "new" RichNZ sometime later, she'll have interest again, or wished she didn't F things up.

 

If she keeps trying to keep in touch with you, put the NC on her and tell her to bug off. Don't let her keep reeling you back like a fish, playing with your mind and emotions.

[Walk]

When I broke up with my ex, I was really heart broken for doing it. But we had grown into completely different people. I loved him, didn't want to hurt him, but it was best for me to move forward with my life.

 

I did NC finally because he was never going to accept we were no longer a couple. No matter how many times I said it, or how nicely I tried to explain it, he would NOT accept that we were no longer togther.

 

So I had to be rude in order for him to finally see that I was serious. I told him to never talk to me again, never call, email, or even say "hi" if he saw me out. I started to really hate him because he couldn't respect my wishes.

 

And it made me realize that he never really respected my wishes. It was all about what he wanted. He couldn't even give me the one thing I asked for because it wasn't what he wanted.

 

If you really love her then don't contact her.

[RichNZ]

Ahhhhh, I haven't contacted her AND I'M NOT GOING TOO!

Wish people wld read whole thread.

 

And no I wasn't being abusive in my last post. Was expressing that I'm feeling some anger and maybe that would be a good way of gettin over her.

Why have people decided we haven't ever seen each other.

We saw each other all the time.

[RichNZ]

I think I'm gonna give up on this site. Thanks to all those that took the time to read what was happening and your nice words. It has helped.

However, most just skim through,.... make assumptions and spill words that don't make any sense nor do they apply to whats going on. Is kinda gettin me down.

[lone56wolf]

It's in your opening post: "...It is long distance. We had a few dramas but both agreed it was due to the distance. She said the spark has kinda left...." where the impression of a LDR is drawn.

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. Applies to people too.

 

Wolf

[MTK]

Hey Walk- and others if it can be applied -don't mind me asking.

 

What happens when the dumper asks for NC from you, but they routinely break it, and when they do, they're nice half the time and the other half are just plain rude even though the dumped honors the NC policy and doesn't bring the past (or present) relationship up at all when contacted by the Ex' and is very civil and answers to the point to why the dumper gets in contact with the dumped?

 

Just curious.

 

I love this site from the many perspectives it brings; great teaching tool as well to the inexperienced.

[RichNZ]

Yeah mine did that too. They dont want you,.... but occasionally have meloncoly moments as such where they start thinking..... thats when they're nice. Hate it how ur not allowed to contact them,.... but very now and then they decided to contact you.

Mine contacts me talkin about a song and how much it reminds her of us.

Then I contact her with a card, saying goodluck in life and am here if ya need me ever as a friend (no pressure or nothin) and I get accused of stalking!

I think just stay the hell away. Let them think for a few months.

If it meant anything, and I know it did, she'll be in touch one day to c how Im doin.

[MTK]

Actually Rich,

After she contacted me 3 straight Tuesdays in a row, I wrote her an email telling her nicely to stop contacting me (reversed the NC on her ) and told her to figure her own priorities out before she contacts me even to return something. I mean, it's not hard having her roommate do it for her; she lives on the floor below me at school. That was a whole lot of fun to know her living on the floor beneath you while she had a new bf to cuddle buddy with.

3+ years=nothing

2 days=I want to fly him out to California for a month and live with my uncle who will buy me/us whatever I want (yes, literally)!

 

I can only hope that he gets kicked in the balls the same way I did by her, or better yet, for her to find out why he even began paying attention to her.

"Is she dating anyone?" "Yes, MTK"

"Are they having relationship problems?" "Well, somewhat."

 

Then again, he has to go to grad school the fall of 2007, and I wouldn't be surprised if he pulled another stunt like he did. So maybe she'll get what's coming to her eventually as well.

 

Me, well, I'm going to find myself a freshman gal since we are the "only" fall sport-the only one that matters anyway- and treat her like I've always treated women and do it better even.

 

Hang in there RichNZ, you'll be ok.