Keep waiting or call it quits?

[Aloros]

I thought I posted earlier this week, but it never showed up. I’ve been dating my guy for over five years. He’s a good guy, very honest, and we get along great. Total sweetheart. He’s my best friend and we have a fantastic physical relationship. It isn’t perfect – we have vastly different interests and some clashing aspects of our personalities – but what relationship is, right?

 

The biggest sore point is his graduation date. I graduated college in 2004, found a job, quit a job, found a better job, and was promoted. He began school in 2000, same as me, and is still working on his undergraduate degree. He was kicked out from the school we met at, took community college classes for a bit, got back in, got kicked out permanently, and is now back at the community college and hoping to transfer to a state university. At this rate, his graduation date has moved from the original 2004 to 2006, then to 2007, and now, finally, his estimates land it somewhere from winter 2007-summer 2008. This is in addition to the year he’ll need for his credential if he goes forward with his plans to become a teacher. He’s supposed to find out, for sure, his graduation date this Thursday. Twice before he was supposed to find out his graduation date, but was unable to make his appointment or just never made one in the first place.

 

He just doesn’t have the best work ethic. He’ll do well for a little while, and then lapse back into the same patterns. He’s getting better, but it’s painfully slow. He’s going to have to retake a class he just took this last semester because he didn’t get all his work in on time.

 

He’s offered to marry me before he’s finished with school, but I don’t want to marry someone who hasn’t even finished their undergraduate degree. I don’t want to marry someone who isn’t sure what they want.

 

We’ve talked about moving in together in the fall, when his parents finally cut off his funding, but I’m not sure if we should. He has problems with my cats, and I’m still waiting to find out when he will graduate. I’m so frustrated with him. I’ve given him all the support, suggestions, and reminders he’s asked for. I’ve cooked meals for him when he had a slew of projects to finish. I keep telling him I can’t stick around if he keeps messing up, but I inevitably do. I used to work the way he does, but I kind of “woke up” and decided I wasn’t going to be like that anymore. I keep hoping he’ll do the same. He’s not happy with himself the way he is now. Every time he doesn’t do well, he gets depressed. I don’t care what kind of job he gets or how much money he makes. I just want him to be passionate about what he does. I just want him to be happy.

 

What’s worse is that I’ve started to become friends with a coworker who reminds me a bit of my boyfriend, but he has his life together. I wouldn’t do anything stupid (grass is always greener, right?), but whenever we chat or hang out, the doubts about my relationship rise to the surface again.

 

We took a break a couple months ago, and it was emotionally very hard on me. I’m not sure what to do. He’s so smart, and I know he has it in him, but I’m getting tired of waiting.

[MadDog]

You seem to be making the classic mistake: hoping he'll change so that you'll be happy with him. The fact is, people are very resistant to change and most people really don't unless they have a life-altering event or something similar.

 

History has shown the type of guy he is--he's not motivated or goal-oriented. You can either accept him the way he is now or dump him and find someone who fits your requirements better. Whatever you do, don't hang around hoping he'll "get his act together" cause it's likely to never happen.

[Tim'sAngel]

You sound more like his mother than his gf. You obviously have your act together and need someone that can keep up w/you. If he moves in with you, you are going to be the one taking care of him, and it doesn't sound like that would make you very happy.

 

I know it is hard on you emotionaly to not be w/him, but that is because you guys have a long history together. It's kind of like throwing away your fav jeans. You've worn them for so long, they are threadbare, and you still love the way your ass looks in them, but they no longer fit and it does you no good to keep them.

 

SOunds like you have some thinking to do and decisions to make. It sounds to me like you already know what will make you happy and what will not.

[Guest]

You seem to be making the classic mistake: hoping he'll change so that you'll be happy with him. The fact is, people are very resistant to change and most people really don't unless they have a life-altering event or something similar.

 

History has shown the type of guy he is--he's not motivated or goal-oriented. You can either accept him the way he is now or dump him and find someone who fits your requirements better. Whatever you do, don't hang around hoping he'll "get his act together" cause it's likely to never happen.

 

Now wait a minute, he is a college guy, in his twenties.... people change in that period! I changed a whole lot, from a lazy, bright/smart 18 year student who didn't give a damn, I turned into a goal oriënted 24 year old A grade student. Took me seven years to become what I am today though.

 

You can't change someone but someone can change.

[Walk]

I realize you want the best for your bf, and I hope that is why you seem critical of his college career. However, you can't motivate him. Well, you can for a while, but then it'll wear off.

 

You remind me of a woman I one knew. She was working on her masters degree, and her bf was still attempting to finish his undergrad. Last I heard, their relationship was contingent on whether he passed this one class he absolutely needed for the degree. They have a 3 strike policy at that college and he was on his last chance. His father was cutting his money supply off if he didn't pass the class too.

 

Lot of pressure for that young man. I felt bad for him. I really don't see it as love if he's only worth being in your life if he has a piece of paper in his hand. I realize that it's important to have someone with like goals and ambitions in our lives. Someone who can motivate us, just as much as we motivate them, and someone who is lagging far behind us can't do that. But I still get stuck on this aspect of how can you truly accept him for who he is, if you aren't willing to accept that maybe college isn't right for him right now. If he doesn't have any passion to complete what he's decided on doing (teaching) then maybe it'd be better for him to get out into the work force for a while and find out what he likes and doesn't like in life.

 

I don't think you really accept who he is right now. I think you see what he could be, and desire that. But that is subject to change. And no amount of pushing will guarantee that. Supportive behavior is cooking him meals when his work load is too much. Pushy behavior is threatening to leave if he doesn't graduate in X time.

 

You have to love the man for what he is today, and support him in his goals and ambitions. But you don't threaten him with leaving if he doesn't follow some life path you've decide he should take because it's what you want out of life. If that is the case, then go find someone who already has a degree and the job you want them to have.

 

I know this came across as harsh. I had a bf do this to me once when I was in my 20's. He wanted something he could see me being later in life, but didn't accept me for who I was right then. And to me, that is the worst betrayl. It wasn't about what I wanted, or how I felt. It was about his status in life, about how others saw him, and whether I would fit into his social circle as we got older. And no matter what I did, I was never quite good enough for him. So I tend to get a bit prickly when issues like this are brought up. It really hurts to be made to feel worthless just because you don't desire exactly what your partner does. And if he desired it as much as you did, then he would have put the effort into it, he would've succeed already. But it sounds to me as if everyone else in his life is telling him what he should do and should be, and he although he may agree with words, he's sure not acting as if that is really what he wants in life.

 

As I said... I'm sure this sounded harsh. But I don't agree with pushing someone to accomplish a goal. If it's their goal, then they will want to accomplish it. If you have to push so hard to get it done, then it isn't there goal, it's yours.

[Aloros]

Please understand that I want him to be happy. We've talked before and I've mentioned that maybe school isn't right for him, that maybe he should get out and do something else. All I want is for him to do something he is passionate about. He told me he wanted to graduate and become a teacher. His words, not mine. I've never held him to that. I don't care about signatures on bits of paper. It's not about that. It's about working for something you want. I don't want to be with someone who is going to be perpetually unhappy with himself.

 

I've asked him what he would do if there were no constraints, no worldly pressures, and he says he'd be a performance artist. I ask him why he doesn't just do that and he says it's because he hasn't been working on that all through his childhood, he is too far behind, and will never catch up. I don't understand that kind of attitude. He tells me sometimes that he thinks he doesn't want to try because he is afraid of failing. What kind of life is that?

 

I can't talk him out of it. He's gone to counseling - no luck there.

 

I don't measure a person by their education.

[Walk]

I don't measure a person by their education.

I'm sorry... I completely misunderstood. I thought you were saying that the degree was important to you, and you couldn't be with him if he didn't have that. I apologize. I must've misread, or read far too much into it.

 

I don't think this is something you can really help much with, as far as his fear of failure. You can be supportive, but in reality, that only goes so far. If the person doesn't feel they can, then they won't.

 

I think it'd be good for him to learn that failure isn't an end all to life. And that not attempting something you desire will lead to a life of regrets. Not sure how you could get that point across though.

[Aloros]

No hard feelings. This is the internet, after all.

[Aloros]

Thanks for everyone's advice. He went to the counselor (although he was on the verge of scheduling work on top of it !??!??), and the counselor was unable to tell him anything. She referred him to the head of the music department. Apparently, though, they don't like to give estimates on graduation dates until a student has actually transferred to the university. His graduation date depends on how he does on the diagnostic tests.

 

Which means he won't know his graduation date until next spring. That's when he'll hopefully be transferring.

 

I'm pretty messed up in the head right now. I can't really imagine life without him. After five years, we grew up a lot together. He's been good to me, but this is kind of a deal breaker. If I don't think about it at all, things are great. Am I just being too picky? He says he doesn't think he deserves success and that pisses me off.

 

I'm going to avoid my coworker until I get these things sorted out. He's a very cool guy, and I'd like to be friends with him if nothing else, but I think he may be adding to my confusion.

[Love Hurts]

He needs a mother. You are not an equal... you are the woman he falls on and he falls to much.....

 

It is time for him to be more responsible. If you lived with him your pressure would increase immensley! You would do his laundry, his cooking, his homework, pay his bills tell him how wonderful he is and give his tired muscles a rub down before he falls asleep at night.

 

You sound like a young girl with her life in order. You know what you want and you are working towards your goals with conviction. Unlike your boyfriend. By the way isn't it nice that he is just that.... boyfriend.

 

How horrible if he was your baby's father or your husband.

Things would really be a mess.

 

You have a built in radar that has been alerted, warning signs are flashing. A small voice is saying ,, I can do better, I deserve more than this.

Since you have brought yourself this far as to question stay or go..?

 

Run! Run away fast... A wonderful man with his goals matching your own is out there. He is probably wonderful in everyway, you could be pleasnantly amazed..... if not keep moving onward ...You are going to cut your own path through life... don't let anyone ride on your coat tails.

 

Tell your boyfriend to go home to mommy and grow up.

 

He needs alot of attention... too much work for a busy chick like yourself..

Good luck