rhlovesrs Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 Well, as much of a rollercoaster ride that my emotions have been on this weekend, I am greatful to you all. If you have read any of my previous posts you will know that this "A" has been going on for 3 yrs. We have very recently put all of our emotions on the table and this has put our relationship on a whole new level. Your thoughts, insight and guidance has been invaluable. Just wondering, since I have always been on his schedule and done things to make him happy, should I put it all on the line?? There have been several posts that discuss ultimatiums. I have never been one to do that - not once over our 3 yrs. Is this a step that I should take before I initiate the NC or try to move on???? I guess I have always had a fear of losing what I have if I did give an ultimatium. He is amazing and I would rather have some of him than none of him. I do have to say since we have gone to a new higher level with our feelings and emotions I do find myself wanting more from him. Now we are at a point in our so called relationship where it is more and more difficult to sit on the side lines. Should I be willing to risk what I have now, and put it all on the line - and issue an ultimatium???
Sami_D Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 Hmm well... what kind of ultimatum? What does he have to do, or you'll do what? In all the reading I've done on affairs on this site and others, I don't recall having seen one example of ultimatums working. The reason for this, I think, is that people really have to do things on their own timescale. Leaving a M (if that is what your ultimatum would be about) is particularly hard, and can't be rushed. Someone needs to know absolutely that it's the right thing for them to do, they need time to tell the people concerned, time to sort out business and feelings... ... they can't be doing that to someone else's timetable. JMHO.
Jessie61 Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 Your thoughts, insight and guidance has been invaluable. Just wondering, since I have always been on his schedule and done things to make him happy, should I put it all on the line?? There have been several posts that discuss ultimatiums. I have never been one to do that - not once over our 3 yrs. Is this a step that I should take before I initiate the NC or try to move on???? I guess I have always had a fear of losing what I have if I did give an ultimatium. He is amazing and I would rather have some of him than none of him. I do have to say since we have gone to a new higher level with our feelings and emotions I do find myself wanting more from him. Now we are at a point in our so called relationship where it is more and more difficult to sit on the side lines. Should I be willing to risk what I have now, and put it all on the line - and issue an ultimatium??? RH, In a way isn't NC a form of ultimatum...? "Don't contact me until you have left your W? If there is a difference, then it is still true that both aim to bring things to a head? The A goes on to become a proper official R or it ends...? Either way, you have to be prepared for both outcomes, I think. The alternative is to remain the OW....
Sami_D Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 Well NC is a practice. It's a thing you do... you can do it for any reason you like, and it doesn't have to be part of an ultimatum. You can say 'Leave your wife, or I will go NC', that is an ultimatum. You can say 'I'm through with this, I'm going NC'... that isn't an ultimatum. You can say 'I can't deal with this, I'm going NC... if you ever leave her, call me', and that's a condition.
Jessie61 Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 Well NC is a practice. It's a thing you do... you can do it for any reason you like, and it doesn't have to be part of an ultimatum. You can say 'Leave your wife, or I will go NC', that is an ultimatum. You can say 'I'm through with this, I'm going NC'... that isn't an ultimatum. You can say 'I can't deal with this, I'm going NC... if you ever leave her, call me', and that's a condition. Thanks for explaining the technicalities.... But could you not still say that either way the end result is that the A ends or it goes on to become a real relationship?
Sami_D Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 Thanks for explaining the technicalities.... LOL But could you not still say that either way the end result is that the A ends or it goes on to become a real relationship? Well Jessie, this is probably the reason I worry about your situation in some ways. Because you're threatening to do the NC (permanently, forever, whatever) IF he fails to leave... and I wonder if MM ever leave unless there has been NC... BUT having said that, you don't need to explain to me.. your MM has done more already than I have asked my MM to do before contacting me again LOL
Jessie61 Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 Well Jessie, this is probably the reason I worry about your situation in some ways. Because you're threatening to do the NC (permanently, forever, whatever) IF he fails to leave... and I wonder if MM ever leave unless there has been NC... BUT having said that, you don't need to explain to me.. your MM has done more already than I have asked my MM to do before contacting me again LOL Well, I don't know what to say except that he has started to move out some of his things from the house... There is a lot of rubbish in the attic which the W wants to get rid of. Yes, I do realise that he could still move those boxes back into the house - I am not stupid! - but none of this would have happened unless I had done what I did. I just don't think that there is just ONE form of NC/ultimatums that work. My main aim has always been to get out of OW situation and "f**k the consequences!!! I think he does know that I will stay abroad for a long long long time and pledge my mobile, laptop AND passport to my friends if he lets me down. A failure to do what he is supposed to be doing will mean that it is the end. I honestly don't think he would be worth another second of my time after the deadline if he did that. I have always insisted that I am deserve better and I will continue to do so! Besides, some of the fellas over here are quite yummy....And their accents...... Oh la la!!!!
Sami_D Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 LOL Jessie... you're quite right I think... if he goes back on it all after this then you would only be wasting your time continuing contact! You're so lucky... he's actually DOING something! As I said... my MM only has to tell his W he wants a separation (oh, and negotiate with her so it goes ahead) and he can call. And still... nothing. Then again... he's always taken forever to do anything... bless. lol.
Jessie61 Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 LOL Jessie... you're quite right I think... if he goes back on it all after this then you would only be wasting your time continuing contact! You're so lucky... he's actually DOING something! As I said... my MM only has to tell his W he wants a separation (oh, and negotiate with her so it goes ahead) and he can call. And still... nothing. Then again... he's always taken forever to do anything... bless. lol. Sami, I was just trying to add something to my previous post and LS would not let me! I think you "were on the line" at the same time??? What I am trying to say (in a very convoluted way... ) is that I think that there isn't just one form of NC that will work. We all just have to decide what NC means for each and every one of us. I know that you are doing the right thing for you. I don't doubt for a second that NC will work out for you, one way or the other! I really admire the way you are dealing with all of this! Honestly!!! (I don't think I would, which is why I adopted a different approach!) Yes, you are right though.... They take forever doing anything... Bless them! As for me.... I have just reached a point where I am quite happy where I am, I know that it is not a sacrifice staying here, the future is looing bright, I haven't seen HIM for ages, and I do think that a let down now WOULD actually kill off anything that I have ever felt for him, so I would be able to just walk away and STAY away! (at least I have loads of practice with the former...???) Does this make sense???
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