Before the affair

May 22, 2006

Question for all OW and OM.

Cast your mind back before your affair started.

How was your relationship with the MM or MW when you knew you had feelings with him/her. Did you have fights with your conscience. Did you want something more.

Tonight i saw the guy i am very attracted to only for about ½ an hour on my way home.

Part of me at first hoped he didn't see me as the last time we bumped into each other we exchanged some very intense eye contact. But at the same time my heart was really thumping and was hoping he'd come up to me.

Well he did heart still thumping so we were talking but not so much eye contact mainly on my part as my good side was saying not to so not to encourage him been worried over the weekend that i might be leading him on, i probably am. Trying to behave myself and respect myself, then the bad fairy in me wanted him to hold me tight and all that. Very bad

As i said been worried over the weekend about how he'd react with me next time we met. He was still his friendly self.

Not that i want an affair. Honestly but he does make me feel very much desired.

Yes i know i should go out and find a single guy

But did you have this wrestling with your conscience

May 22, 2006

yes....I knew exactly what I was doing and I knew each time I had crossed another tiny line....all those tiny lines added up to one big affair. I even prayed with two other women about how much attraction I felt towards him in the beginning. I witnessed to him. I did try to battle it at times. The fact of the matter for me is that I was way too lonely and way too isolated. Was the love real? I really do believe it was when I'm thinking rationally.

I would give anything to be able to turn the clock back--wait a second--

You know what? I've been saying I'd give anything to turn the clock back to before the affair started but I have to say that I'm learning a lot about myself that I'm not sure I would have learned any other way. Pain is an amazing teacher. Honestly, I would not wish the aftermath that I'm going through on my worst enemy but I believe fully that God will use it in my life for good. Do I recommend this path to learn about yourself? Nooooooooooooo and again if you didn't catch that.....NO, NO, NO!!

May 22, 2006

yes....I knew exactly what I was doing and I knew each time I had crossed another tiny line....all those tiny lines added up to one big affair.

Thanks for replying, i understand what you mean about lots of little lines, theres been many times when i think i've crossed one.

But then it still feels as comfortable as it was before i crossed this tiny line i mean he could step behind one of those tiny lines behind him so i don't get too close.

Yes i feel totally aware of what i'm doing yet this is totally out of character for me, i've never behaved like this before, not that anything untoward has happened, just the flirtations

May 22, 2006

To be honest no, I didn't have too much of a struggle with myself ~ not in the way you mean, anyway.

For one thing he assured me his M was dead as a dodo, and for another we met online and didn't meet in real life for a year. During that time he broke things off with me in order to give his M one last chance for the sake of his children. And I encouraged him to do that, right from the start, even as I wanted SO much for him to leave.

And not for one moment have I ever considered being with any other MM... and never would again. Yes, this A was totally out of character for me, but I think the way we felt about each other was the reason for that.

May 23, 2006

How was your relationship with the MM or MW when you knew you had feelings with him/her. Did you have fights with your conscience. Did you want something more.

Actually, as I look back, I could find a million times that our EA started. A year ago this week, is when MM developed his feelings for me. I had no clue was so ever that he had felt that way about me. Our relationship was that of normal co-workers. I didn’t realize until December that he had a crush on me. Nothing changed and we never said anything to each other. I finally realized during Christmas that I had the same feelings and on New Years Eve I told that I had feelings. He finally told me the same thing. We agreed that nothing was going to go further. It was uncomfortable at first, but we continued as “friends.” As the next three months went on it was becoming noticeable to others at work that we were falling for each other.

After he made it so apparent one evening in March in front of many of our co-workers that he was into me, I told him, we really need to talk about this. People are going to think we were having an affair. I felt once again, we had come to an understanding that nothing would happen and that we would remain friends. That night he sent me an email telling me how much he loved me. I finally broke down and told him the same. From that moment on, I totally stopped thinking with my mind and was totally following my heart. On St.Patty’s Day our EA turned into a PA.

Overall, the relationship was an emotional struggle through out. I absolutely fought everyday with myself and I thought I was succeeding. I never ever wanted to be involved with a MM. The whole time I wanted more, but I thought that us being friends was ok. I didn’t realize that it was making it harder and harder to do the right thing.

May 23, 2006

Actually, as I look back, I could find a million times that our EA started. A year ago this week, is when MM developed his feelings for me. I had no clue was so ever that he had felt that way about me. Our relationship was that of normal co-workers. I didn’t realize until December that he had a crush on me. Nothing changed and we never said anything to each other. I finally realized during Christmas that I had the same feelings and on New Years Eve I told that I had feelings. He finally told me the same thing. We agreed that nothing was going to go further. It was uncomfortable at first, but we continued as “friends.” As the next three months went on it was becoming noticeable to others at work that we were falling for each other.
After he made it so apparent one evening in March in front of many of our co-workers that he was into me, I told him, we really need to talk about this. People are going to think we were having an affair. I felt once again, we had come to an understanding that nothing would happen and that we would remain friends. That night he sent me an email telling me how much he loved me. I finally broke down and told him the same. From that moment on, I totally stopped thinking with my mind and was totally following my heart. On St.Patty’s Day our EA turned into a PA.

Overall, the relationship was an emotional struggle through out. I absolutely fought everyday with myself and I thought I was succeeding. I never ever wanted to be involved with a MM. The whole time I wanted more, but I thought that us being friends was ok. I didn’t realize that it was making it harder and harder to do the right thing.

Thanks for your reply there, does sound familiar though i haven't told him in words how i feel about him, though at times my actions sometimes would tell him, i think to myself after shouldi really have done sometimes words i speak to him (innuendos) i think should i of said that.

Likewise with him sometimes he says something and i think afterwards was that an innuendo think it was.

May 23, 2006

amgine...

Have you read some of the stories on here... all the pain and heartache and then eventually, the struggles with NC, letting go, trying to move on.

If you really are 'before the affair'... are you mad enough to go into it? Do you want to waste years of your life and come out battered and full of regrets?

May 23, 2006

amgine...

Have you read some of the stories on here... all the pain and heartache and then eventually, the struggles with NC, letting go, trying to move on.

If you really are 'before the affair'... are you mad enough to go into it? Do you want to waste years of your life and come out battered and full of regrets?

Yes i have read some of the stories here. That's the crazy bit i don't want to see him, bump into him because i know how he affects me but at the same time i do.

I know that it'll be a wasted effort as he will stay married to his wife and i think of things that he does that might put me of him, that doesn't work

May 23, 2006

I know that it'll be a wasted effort as he will stay married to his wife...

It will be your worst nightmare. Please don't do it.

May 23, 2006

Amgine....

Let me put it to you this way.....

You have admitted to a conscious struggle "before the affair".

If your in battle now, you have no idea of the WAR that lays ahead should you persue the A.

I'm with Sami.....

DON'T DO IT!

May 23, 2006

Amgine... I definitely knew there was a "spark" the first time I met him, and by the time we started talking fairly regularly, he & his wife were separated. I think that maybe subdued the conscience struggle a little bit -- and the fact that while we were getting to know each other, nothing had REALLY happened. Then, we he got back with the wife, I was done...

...or so I thought. We had a pretty lengthy period of NC minus casual bumping into each other at work. But then he started calling again & we started talking... and THATS when the real conscience battles started. I liked him, I felt like I was getting closer to him, and I was attracted to him b/c I wanted something physical out of it. I can pinpoint the EXACT day the "war" started -- it was the day I brought up that I was attracted to him. After that, we lasted 5 weeks before something actually happened... and then began an 8 week EA/PA/FWB - whatever it was (still not sure).

And NOW - on day 10 of NC - while I miss whatever we had & hope that he's thinking about me... I really don't want to begin this cycle/war again. I hope he's really trying to make it work w/ his wife this time.

Listen to the others -- STAY AWAY! There are plenty of single guys out there.

May 23, 2006

On St.Patty’s Day our EA turned into a PA....Overall, the relationship was an emotional struggle through out. I absolutely fought everyday with myself and I thought I was succeeding. I never ever wanted to be involved with a MM. The whole time I wanted more, but I thought that us being friends was ok. I didn’t realize that it was making it harder and harder to do the right thing.

aktieb0cka -- the similarities continue to abound. St. Patty's day was it for me too. And I thought maybe we could be "friends" too while others screamed "no way!".

Day 10 & going strong... (i hope).

May 23, 2006

Amgine,

You have the benefit of knowing what lies ahead from all of us. Most of us didn't have that, I don't think. I know I didn't. Would it have mattered? I don't know. I hope it would have. It certainly would have helped me get stronger faster.

May 23, 2006

I know that one person I talked to about it said 'he'll break your heart'... but, it was three months in by then... my heart was already in pieces.

I don't know that anyone could have put me off from this. I was already 'in deep' the second time we chatted online. I knew he was the one for me... whatever anyone could have said, I would have ignored.

And, to be honest... despite the pain... I am glad I knew him. I am glad I knew someone I felt so happy with and close to. But... I think I'm one of the lucky ones. He never really messed me about. He was always so wonderful (barf time) and I still feel happy that he was in my life. Still have a smile on my face whenever I think of him.

May 23, 2006

Well, if you are emotionally vulnerable, it can sneak up on you before you know what hit you. Pretty soon, you've crossed the line, but the farther you go, the more you want to. You may think you're too rational or too smart to get caught up in it, but if all the stars are aligned, you will.

It sounds like you may be dangerously close to falling into the trap. You're playing with fire. It's difficult, but please turn around and walk away, while you still can.

May 24, 2006

Well, if you are emotionally vulnerable, it can sneak up on you before you know what hit you. Pretty soon, you've crossed the line, but the farther you go, the more you want to. You may think you're too rational or too smart to get caught up in it, but if all the stars are aligned, you will.

It sounds like you may be dangerously close to falling into the trap. You're playing with fire. It's difficult, but please turn around and walk away, while you still can.

Thanks. That's what i'm worried about.

I will try and walk away but a bit difficult when you are both from the same community.

Thanks everyone else for your words just hope i can be strong enough when i do see him.

May 25, 2006

Thanks for your reply there, does sound familiar though i haven't told him in words how i feel about him, though at times my actions sometimes would tell him, i think to myself after shouldi really have done sometimes words i speak to him (innuendos) i think should i of said that.
Likewise with him sometimes he says something and i think afterwards was that an innuendo think it was.

I wouldn’t say anything to him. I am sure, he can read your actions…actions speak louder than words. I should have know better and walked away.

May 25, 2006

aktieb0cka -- the similarities continue to abound. St. Patty's day was it for me too. And I thought maybe we could be "friends" too while others screamed "no way!".

Day 10 & going strong... (i hope).

Can’t Cut it Out,

Yes, our stories are very similar. I think that it is very common for work related emotion affairs. There should be more articles on this stuff. In the May, issue of Oprah, there was a good article that opened my eyes and helped me realize what the hell was going on. Yeah, St. Patty’s Day was a busy day!!

Today, I broke my N/C. I was just trying to be cordial and not too jerky.

May 25, 2006

Well, if you are emotionally vulnerable, it can sneak up on you before you know what hit you. Pretty soon, you've crossed the line, but the farther you go, the more you want to. You may think you're too rational or too smart to get caught up in it, but if all the stars are aligned, you will.

It sounds like you may be dangerously close to falling into the trap. You're playing with fire. It's difficult, but please turn around and walk away, while you still can.

Yeah, isnt amazing that no matter how smart you are, you still get into this mess? I still can't believe it.

May 25, 2006

Can’t Cut it Out,
Today, I broke my N/C. I was just trying to be cordial and not too jerky.

Yet another similarity... Although I have to say, bumping into him today & have him turn on the charm today - and to be able to walk away without perpetuating it - did make me feel better about my own ability to get over this. (Of course, I can say this several hours later...).

May 25, 2006

Yet another similarity... Although I have to say, bumping into him today & have him turn on the charm today - and to be able to walk away without perpetuating it - did make me feel better about my own ability to get over this. (Of course, I can say this several hours later...).

Yeah, it sucks. A couple of weeks ago, I told him to stop sending me the schedule because I am no longer involved with it. I lied. I had him send it to someone else and I get it from her. I think that he knew what I was doing. He emphasized to her that he would only send her the revisions. She was off yesterday and today. I had made the changes and had to send the revisions to him. Today, when I came in, in my email was revisions from him. He had sent them to me and her. I made his changes and stupidly asked how the process was going for the new job that he was applying for (NYPD). He told me not so good and that he will be retaking the test. I know I am stupid, so now I have to start N/C all over again.

May 25, 2006

Well i've been telling myself all day today that i don't want him. hadn't seen him since monday so was doing ok today.

I was then going home and he was coming the other way, we saw each other he said hello first so i said hello, exchanged a few words, but his eyes didn't seem to break from my eyes, which he seems to be doing for the last few weeks now when we do bump into one another.

Is he trying to break down my barriers here.

Not always easy just to walk away, to me it seems rude and then he'd know something was up.

May 28, 2006

The following day i did see him again.

Again on my way home i was telling myself i don't want him.

But this time he was going home too, so he stood with me and sat with me on our journey home (20-25 minutes). Where it was just talking, me avoiding direct eye contact with him.

I know you girls talk about NC, but how do you do that if your paths cross, plus he keeps saying he's going to apply for a job at my place. He needs a new challenge he says

May 28, 2006

Oh Amgine, a lightbulb just went off in my head about you!! I suddenly remembered your first post that almost got hijacked by me!!

You know, NC is probably not going to work for you as you see him very often. You're in the same neighborhood, right? You can't necessarily change your route to work and now he's applying for a job at your work.

The only way I see for you to stay out of the affair is to just keep it on friendly terms. Try your best to treat him as an acquaintance (unless you really are friends, but I don't recall that you are). Keep light conversation.

You don't have to be ignorant and ignore him unless that is too hard for you to handle.

You really have to keep this at bay and try to focus on maybe someone else. I know its hard. But you have read our stories and yours could very easily become as messed up as ours. And remember mine - living in the same town being treated as an outcast!

Unless and until he is out of his M, I'd really make an effort to just be friendly and make the eye contact more of a "hey friend" type thing, rather than a "wondering what is going on in your mind" type look or looking for more.

You're young and you need to try to find a single guy.

May 28, 2006

movinon you are right thanks. Just feeling a bit hormonal today.

you are right about NC, as its a small community and people do know your business, even before you know it yourself.

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