Celebate for a year

[IWalkAlone]

An anneversary has just passed. It has been exactly a year since I've had sex. I am so sick of the fact that my ability to have romantic/sexual interactions with women is limited by women's notions of what "hot" is.

 

Not that there's anything drastically wrong. I'm 5'11", so I'm neither to short nor too tall. I'm not losing my hair. But I have neither the chisled George Clooney look, nor the cute boysh Brad Pitt look. I'm thin, so don't have the athletic muscular build. I'm funny, but I enjoy sustantative intelligent conversation, not the mindless banter that people do in bars and cocktail parties. People say "just give it some time, you'll met someone." Sure! That's easy to hear when you're 20, but I've in my early 30sm and I've been playing this game for a long time.

 

Every year I meet a handful of dateable women. Of those I find interesting enough to date, most say "I'm too busy" or "I'm seeing someone." Of the few I date every year, nothing lasts longer than 6 weeks or so. Sometimes I'll decide the person isn't right, but it is usually the women who suddenly "too busy" to see me any more and usually will not offer more of an explanation. Once ever yer or two, I'll get to have sex with someone a coupel times before it ends. I think I've managed to have sex at least one every calendar year since I was 24 or so, but sometimes it was one person I dates during December-January who was my only sex partner those two years. I'd say my sexual dry spells last an average of 8-16 months. When I turned 30, I was irritated thinking that one's 20s are supposed to be the decade where one has lots of sex, wither with lots of partners, or a lot of times with a small number of partners. Sex at all was and continues to be a rare even for me.

 

A few weeks ago I overheard a cow-worker complain to a married friend that there were "no single men" in this town. I felt insulted because several months ago I asked her out and she explained that she was too busy at the time. I know that "too busy" often means "I'm not interested," but I was hoping she had anough integrety not to lie to me, so a couple of weeks later I asked her again. Not to my great surprise, she was again "too busy." After that, she was noticable less friendly toward me and started avoiding eye contact, making it clear to me that she was one of those women who thinks that saying "I'm busy this weekend" (which implies that they may not be too busy in the future) is someone more polite than being honest yet honest with a guy by saying "I'm not attracted to you in that way" or something similar.

 

Of course, the issue is not how they say "I'm not interested." The issue is why they're "too busy" for me, but not "too busy" for other guys who are not smarter, funnier or weathier than me. They're not "too busy" if they think the guy looks hot. They're not "too busy" even if he hits on other women, has a drug problem, is married has a host of other problems. The most important factor is if she thinks he's hot.

[NTB]

ay caramba

[kitten chick]

Welcome to the club. I know you don't like light conversations but it's difficult to be with someone who is serious 24/7. Maybe it has more to do with that than with your looks?

[MadDog]

Chemistry comes from a combination of physical attraction and charisma/personality. Sometimes it can't be explained even with just that and is some X factor. The bottom line is that these women who told you they were "too busy" didn't feel any chemistry with you.

 

Instead of worrying about them, why don't you spend your energy meeting other women. You're bound to have a mutual chemistry with some of them. Also, 99% of meeting someone is pretty much luck so don't worry if it takes a while. Sometimes you won't meet anyone for months and then you'll meet 3 in a week. It's just the nature of the game.

[IWalkAlone]

Welcome to the club. I know you don't like light conversations but it's difficult to be with someone who is serious 24/7. Maybe it has more to do with that than with your looks?

 

I don't think I'm serious all the time. I have a sence of humor and I like to goof off sometimes.

 

I don't think looks count for everything, but looks in a man are very important. Guys with the right looks can meet & hook up very easily. I realize looks & charimsa are less inportant to the success of an LTR, but unless there is romantic/sexual attraction in the initial phase, they're won't be an LTR.

[MadDog]

I don't think I'm serious all the time. I have a sence of humor and I like to goof off sometimes.

 

I don't think looks count for everything, but looks in a man are very important. Guys with the right looks can meet & hook up very easily. I realize looks & charimsa are less inportant to the success of an LTR, but unless there is romantic/sexual attraction in the initial phase, they're won't be an LTR.

 

I'd say what you say about looks applies to women way more than men. Confidence goes a really long way with guys. As long as you're not straight ugly, if you' have confidence and know how to talk to women, you have very little limitations on the type of girls you can hook up with.

[starlet]

Well, speaking as a woman, this does go both ways too. I think women who aren't "conventionally pretty" also don't get nearly as much sex/dates/offers of sex/whatever as the so-called "pretty girls" do either.

 

but, i have to admit that i know i'm not as shallow as some of my friends - i like guys that would be probably called quirky, or strange or weird and i've never dated someone who was "hot", traditionally either. my current bf is actually kidna overweight - which i have taken no end of teasing from my friends about - but he's still a great, nice guy. so, steer clear of the shallow girls, and eventually you'll meet someone who is perfect for you. my advice is to try alternative methods of meeting people. i made fun of that speeddating thing forever until i tried it once - and had a great time AND ended up with a boyfriend out of it. put yourself out there and things will happen (i hate sounding like a hallmark card but it is true.)

[IWalkAlone]

Chemistry comes from a combination of physical attraction and charisma/personality. Sometimes it can't be explained even with just that and is some X factor. The bottom line is that these women who told you they were "too busy" didn't feel any chemistry with you.

 

I don't expect all women to feel "chemistry" with me. But when over and over there's no "chemisty" while other poeple I know are going from relationship to relationship or getting married is nerve-wracking.

 

Instead of worrying about them, why don't you spend your energy meeting other women. You're bound to have a mutual chemistry with some of them. Also, 99% of meeting someone is pretty much luck so don't worry if it takes a while. Sometimes you won't meet anyone for months and then you'll meet 3 in a week. It's just the nature of the game.

 

I do spend energy meeting other women. But finding single woman is not like shopping for shoes. For me it's like going to a casino. Sometimes you're lucky and double the money you started with, but most of the time you fall short, and the wins do not offset the losses. Nothing I do turns the odds around.

[MadDog]

I do spend energy meeting other women. But finding single woman is not like shopping for shoes. For me it's like going to a casino. Sometimes you're lucky and double the money you started with, but most of the time you fall short, and the wins do not offset the losses. Nothing I do turns the odds around.

 

You say most of the time you fall short and your wins don't offset the losses. What exactly have you lost considering you went into the casino with nothing?

[IWalkAlone]

Well, speaking as a woman, this does go both ways too. I think women who aren't "conventionally pretty" also don't get nearly as much sex/dates/offers of sex/whatever as the so-called "pretty girls" do either.

 

Yes, this is true. Ther sterotype is that guys are looks-oriented, but I think women are equally so.

 

but, i have to admit that i know i'm not as shallow as some of my friends - i like guys that would be probably called quirky, or strange or weird and i've never dated someone who was "hot", traditionally either. my current bf is actually kidna overweight - which i have taken no end of teasing from my friends about - but he's still a great, nice guy. so, steer clear of the shallow girls, and eventually you'll meet someone who is perfect for you. my advice is to try alternative methods of meeting people. i made fun of that speeddating thing forever until i tried it once - and had a great time AND ended up with a boyfriend out of it. put yourself out there and things will happen (i hate sounding like a hallmark card but it is true.)

 

Severa women have told me this, but it feells like the women who like guys are already in ralaitonships, and when I avoid the shallow girls and the one's who obvously aren't interested, that pretty much eliminates everyone.

 

I've noticed I tend to get along better with women who are married or in relationships. I think that single women tend to be colder toward guys they are not attracted to because they don't want to encourage them, while women in relationshipps wre more willing to relate to guys on a friendly level. Unfortunately, that means that most of the time when I start to sense a "chemestry," it is with someone who is not available!

[IWalkAlone]

You say most of the time you fall short and your wins don't offset the losses. What exactly have you lost considering you went into the casino with nothing?

 

Mostly the emotional cost of started to like someone, feeling optimistic that it might lead somewhere and then being rejected. The time that I could have spent lookine elsewhere. Partially the financial costs of dates that don't lead to anything.

[MadDog]

Mostly the emotional cost of started to like someone, feeling optimistic that it might lead somewhere and then being rejected. The time that I could have spent lookine elsewhere. Partially the financial costs of dates that don't lead to anything.

 

Check out my signature quotes. 2 of them apply to you, namely:

 

"Expectations are the foundation of disappointment" and

 

"You've gotta pay the cost to be the boss."

 

When you start talking to a woman, you shouldn't form the expectation that it's leading somewhere. Just take it day to day and if it ends up with a date, that's good. If not, it's no big deal. It sounds like you start talking to a woman and you expect it to lead up to a date and relationship. That's not so good.

 

As far as financial costs of dates, you've gotta pay the cost to be the boss my friend. This means it's just part of the operating costs of the game and if you don't want to spend any money, just don't go out on dates.

[reservoirdog1]

Start hitting the gym, and doing weights hard. You've got the perfect raw material: you're thin, so any positive changes in your physique will be immediately noticeable, not hidden under a layer of fat.

 

Women aren't as looks-focused as men are. And it's true, if a woman is attracted to a guy it doesn't matter if he looks like Brad Pitt or Ron Jeremy -- attraction isn't a choice.

 

But, what getting buff will do for you is give you a huge boost in self-confidence. You'll look at yourself in the mirror and think "holy s***, who's that ripped mofo looking back at me?" You'll notice more women checking you out. And that self-confidence will cascade into other areas of your life. And THAT, my friend, is what most women find irresistable -- confidence. Betcha that woman who turned you down twice will actually approach YOU once you're toned.

[Craig]

... if you' have confidence and know how to talk to women, you have very little limitations on the type of girls you can hook up with.

Absolutely, completely, 100% true! What is it about this that some guys just don't get? It isn't so much your look as your attitude AND sometimes you have to stop going after the same type of woman and give the ones you aren't initially attracted to a chance.

 

To the OP

 

The ones that are cold to you may not actually be cold to you. Huh? Well tell me what is the difference between a cold woman and a shy and/or a slightly introverted woman? Not a heck of a lot at first glance. Persistence, reasonable, respectful persistence can go a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnng way to getting you to the relationship you are seeking but you have to give the woman a chance and you have to understand that there are more emotional responses than hot, cold, interested, not interested.

 

Chemistry, that initial kick that signals your primitive brain that this woman is a good genetic candidate to reproduce with has nothing to do with long term compatibility. Short and medium term compatibility sure if you are being led around by your balls but there is so much more to a relationship than chemistry.

 

If you just want to get laid then put it out there blatantly. It's a numbers game and some women would go for the strictly sexual encounter with anyone.

 

If you want a mutually satisfying long term relationship then it's time to work on yourself (attitude, knowledge of yourself and your prospective partner, relationship skills, boundaries and limitations, etc.) and know what you want, what you will accept and not accept and what you can actually offer a relationship.

 

If you don't know what you are doing wrong and based on results you are doing something wrong, find a female you can trust to tell you what you're doing wrong or seek out a female counselor that specializes in relationships. It could be something really, really tiny that is off putting or you could be scrambling the steps to a relationship that is also off putting to a woman (or man.)

 

Bottom line is that it is NOT your basic looks. You already have the equipment in place to have a relationship, it is something that you are doing over and over again that is leading to consistent failure to achieve what you want in a relationship.

 

People are funny creatures, they will do the same thing over and over again but expect different results. That's the definition of insanity according to Einstein. Even the common rat has more sense than that as proven in lab experiments.

 

Stop doing the same thing over and over again. Look at yourself with the help of an objective third party and make some changes. Be real and true to yourself but make those changes.

 

PS - I haven't had any romance or sex in my life for over 3 years now, by choice. It's a long story but prior to that I never had a problem finding a date or having a relationship. After I'm divorced and sure I'm not rebounding then I'm jumping back into the relationship scene and have no doubts that I'll be successful. My looks are about a 7/10 but I have what is commonly called confidence a decent to good attitude and know how to talk to a woman and that makes all the difference in the world. Even when I temporarily gained a lot of weight and became the stand in for the Pillsbury Dough boy it didn't reduce my success in relationships. Like any human I made some mistakes, ignored some red flags and married the wrong woman, I am better now.

[Walk]

Good post Craig.

 

Definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results.

 

Life isn't an exact science. You try something and see what the outcome is. If it didn't work, you try something different. And something different, until you hit on something that starts to work. And then you build off of that.

 

What have you tried since the last time you posted about this problem? I know it was several months ago. Pretty much everything that's been posted in this thread was said in the other. Maybe if you told us what you have tried already in order to boost your confidence, or to improve your outlook on dating, then we could start from there.

[Alexandra]

Great post as usual, Craig.

 

IWalkAlone I have a suggestion most people will put down. You seem to be a tad more introvert and shy -I might be wrong, I doubt it- and more concerned with an intellectual connection at first than a chemistry only procedure, why not give online searching a chance? I think it may surprise you as an environment where a somewhat flattering photo and the right profile can give you the chance to meet people who aren't "too busy" and are interested in finding a connection on other levels than just looks.

[reservoirdog1]

why not give online searching a chance?

Absolutely, try online dating. Two great benefits:

 

1) It exposes you to women you otherwise might not meet, just because they don't live in your immediate neighbourhood or work near you.

 

2) After you've chatted via email and then via phone, by the time you actually meet face to face you've already established at least some basis of commonality. And with email, you can craft what you're going to say and get her interested -- and then if the convo isn't quite as smooth on the phone, the groundwork you've already laid with emails will compensate for that a bit.

[Alexandra]

Oh wow, thanks Reservoirdog1 I really didn't think anyone would agree at all. Most people on LS are opposed to it but I for one could go on and on about the advantages for a certain sort of personalities -not an insult, in fact a compliment-.

[starlet]

I've noticed I tend to get along better with women who are married or in relationships. I think that single women tend to be colder toward guys they are not attracted to because they don't want to encourage them, while women in relationshipps wre more willing to relate to guys on a friendly level. Unfortunately, that means that most of the time when I start to sense a "chemestry," it is with someone who is not available!

 

This might me that you're nervous, too - that subconsciously you let your guard down around women that are "taken" in some way, because if they've got a boyfriend or a husband or whatever - there is no risk of romantic rejection, thus interaction is much easier and freer, and you don't worry about how you're appearing, you're just yourself. (I've done this kind of this with gay men - I think that works the same way for women, sometimes, too. They're men, but men that don't want to sleep with you, so the pressure is totally off.) i definitely think a low-key outing or mixer or happy hour or something is for you, rather than a blind date kind of thing, something where you don't feel stressed by it but rather are there to just enjoy yourself and meet people, without the pressure of it being a full on set-up or blind date or something.

[IWalkAlone]

 

When you start talking to a woman, you shouldn't form the expectation that it's leading somewhere. Just take it day to day and if it ends up with a date, that's good. If not, it's no big deal. It sounds like you start talking to a woman and you expect it to lead up to a date and relationship.

 

If I start talking to a women, we don't just randomly end up on a date. If I like her enough to be interested, and I sense some interest from her, I'll ask for her number. If the phone call goes well, I'll ask for a date. This process builds expectations, and I don't see a way to avoid that, because if I don't care I wouldn't be calling her. And if I don't ask for her number during our first conversation, I may not randomly meet her again.

[IWalkAlone]

Start hitting the gym, and doing weights hard. You've got the perfect raw material: you're thin, so any positive changes in your physique will be immediately noticeable, not hidden under a layer of fat.

 

Women aren't as looks-focused as men are. And it's true, if a woman is attracted to a guy it doesn't matter if he looks like Brad Pitt or Ron Jeremy -- attraction isn't a choice.

 

But, what getting buff will do for you is give you a huge boost in self-confidence. You'll look at yourself in the mirror and think "holy s***, who's that ripped mofo looking back at me?" You'll notice more women checking you out. And that self-confidence will cascade into other areas of your life. And THAT, my friend, is what most women find irresistable -- confidence. Betcha that woman who turned you down twice will actually approach YOU once you're toned.

 

I tried a gym membership a few years back, and after several months of free-weights I progressed from thin to thin with slightly better tone. I did get more confident and started wearing sleeveless shirts in warm weather. Despite my improved confidence and slightly better definition in my shoulders & arms, there was no change in the way women reacted to me that I could pick up. I don't think I have the genetics to be buff. I'm considering trying again with the help of steroids but I'm concerned about side effects.

 

While looks aren't the ONLY thing women respond to, I think it is a major factor. When I was in college I wormed at a pizza place, I had a coworker who had girls coming in asking about him all the time, despite NOT having confidence and not a very charasmatic personality. What did he have? Great biceps and pecs (from good genetics, not gym work), a square jawline and blue eyes. He could be a model in a Marlboro ad. But he rarely dated, despite all the girls who came in and talked to him. Why? I thought he might be secretly gay, but he was very religious and probably had hangups about girls and sex.

 

As for Ron Jeremy, I don't think many women find him attractive. I think he was cast in so much porn because (in part) he gave ugly guys hope they could have sex with lots of women too.

[SmoochieFace]

I doubt being *buff* really matters... unless you are trying to attract only those women who find that quality to be high on their list.

[IWalkAlone]

Good post Craig.

 

Definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results.

 

Life isn't an exact science. You try something and see what the outcome is. If it didn't work, you try something different. And something different, until you hit on something that starts to work. And then you build off of that.

 

What have you tried since the last time you posted about this problem? I know it was several months ago. Pretty much everything that's been posted in this thread was said in the other. Maybe if you told us what you have tried already in order to boost your confidence, or to improve your outlook on dating, then we could start from there.

 

Since the last time I posted I haven't met anyone who I thought had potential, gave a friendly vibe to me, and wasn't in a relationship. I'm not sure what to do differently other than try women who don't seem to have potential, are not friendly to me, or are already in relationships.

[Walk]

Since the last time I posted I haven't met anyone who I thought had potential, gave a friendly vibe to me, and wasn't in a relationship. I'm not sure what to do differently other than try women who don't seem to have potential, are not friendly to me, or are already in relationships.

 

That'd be an interesting experiment. Not to make light of your situation, but Starlet might be accurate in her theory that maybe your nervous and come off as stiff. So if you hit it off great with women who don't have potential, then maybe you could develop a new attitude from that and apply it toward women of potential.

 

I also want to reiterate that not ALL women are only interested in a guy with biceps and a square jaw. I'm not, and most of my friends aren't either. The few friends I have that are that way are pretty shallow and screwed up in the head. What I am attracted to though is confidence and whether I feel comfortable around that person. If he's uptight or nervous, then it makes me nervous. If he's relaxed and sure of himself, comfortable in his body, it's a real turn on.

 

Steriods always seemed kind of quick fix thinking to me. No long term solution, or thinking ahead. But here and now gratification.

 

You know... I never figured out if this was true or not, but I heard it shrinks your weeny, or causes ED, something along those lines. Anyone know if this is true? I'm probably talking outta my ass on that one.

[ms_jnj]

I hear ya, one year three months here, and I'm not an unattractive girl. Just refuse to sleep with a**h***s anymore, so that slims down the picking substantially.

 

...at least you have the balls to ask women out!