Ben L Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 hi, i am in desperate need of some help and advice as i dont know where else to turn. I have got myself into the most tricky situation, i will try my best to explain it. OK i will start of by saying that im gay, and i met a friend on the internet about a year ago who is also, but he already had a partner who he was living with but their relationship was a bit rocky as the spark had gone. anyway i started coming over to visit and i fell deeply in love with him upon first sight but kept it quiet for obvious reasons. After a while i was over there all the time and we became the closest friends and by this point my feelings were really in deep and i couldt bare to be away from him. At the beggining of the year they decided to move into a bigger house and asked if i wanted to move in with them so of course i jumped at the opportunity to live with Dan, the one i had fallen for. A few months ago they made the decision to break up because it wasnt working with them anymore but they were still going to live together and be friends. I took this opportunity to explain my feelings to Dan after he got over the break up and i asked if he wanted to be with me, then the bombshell hit, he rejected me and said that he doesnt feel that way about me and he never will, he just wants to be best friends with me forever. This left me truely devestated and i was crying myself to sleep for weeks on end, and now it is starting to get worse, we allways have lots of other gay friends coming to stay and we all share the same circle of friends, but yeah he keeps sleeping with all of them and "getting intimate" and its making me insanely jelous and even starting to tear some of my friendships with other people up. I cant get anything from any of the other people i like either because when they come over they are all over Dan and i just cant compete with him. Anyway im sure this is starting to get confusing to read now, and its only the tip of the iceburg, so i will end it at that. i realy need some advice, i just dont know what to do anymore. i need to fall out of love with Dan but i cant
riobikini Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 ***Dan is putting your health at a high risk***....not because he's gay, but because he's promiscuous. If you sleep with him, even though you love him, you could be signing your death warrant. This probably isn't behavior that 'just happened': he may not have been too particular about his sex partners before you met him. Condoms are a preventitive measure, -common sense regarding many sex partners factors into the rest of the 'prevention'. In addition to that, Dan is obviously, *deliberately*, emotionally abusive towards you. Both his cruelty and promiscuity are serious indications of his low character and self-esteem, as well as blatant red flags signaling you to end the relationship for your own emotional and physical well-being. Talk to a counselor, -and get out of this *very dangerous* and abusive relationship. Ben, be encouraged: you *can* get through this. Stay in the boards and post whenever you feel the need. Take care & Hugs, -Rio
In Sync Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 Ben L. You need to get out of that house. It is a blessing that you didn't become pshysically involved with him because it would be more devasting for you, watching Dan getting it on with others under your nose. As if it isn't hell enough for you already. You're heart is still in love and he is not interested. That's a bitter pill for anyone to swallow. But if you have any chance of recovering and getting over him, it's not going to happen while you are still living under the same roof and you witnessing his escapades. I would even go so far as to say start getting some new friends to have further distance between you and Dan. My point is being in his world is not going to help you.
Author Ben L Posted May 23, 2006 Author Posted May 23, 2006 thanks for the input. its much appreciated. I have thought about moving out many times but i cant because if i go he will be out on the street because there wont be enough money to pay the bills. Also because i care about him too much i did something quite stupid the other day, because he couldnt stand his job and it was making him ill from being over worked i told him to quit his job and i would pay his share of the rent for him untill he gets back on his feet with another job, so i cant really just up and go. Im finding him very hard to read, because he allways used to hug and kiss me loads (probably a factor that made me fall for him) and now even though he knows my feelings for him he still keeps coming over to kiss me on the lips or whatever, we also used to sleep together loads, although we never did anything under the sheets. i think maybe he is just trying to pretend i dont have feelings for him. I want to lose these feelings for him but i cant just walk away and cut all contact with him because he is possibly my closest friend in the world, and im his closest friend, im the only one that he gets any emotional support from
riobikini Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 Dear Ben, Let's go through the rest of the list of top reasons why Dan makes a really bad partner: Dan is just plain, downright *irresponsible*; he doesn't think he should work because he "can't stand his job, (so you decide to be his 'Money Tree'., and he probably figured you would;) ) Dan is a classic 'User'; he manipulates to get his way to make things easier for him, and somehow causes you to feel really good about being used. He's a clever one. Dan is *selfish*, *immature*, and *childish*; he doesn't really care about anyone but himself. If it makes Dan feel good, or important, or 'better-than', Dan will certainly be doing it, -whatever it is. Even to *your* dismay, hurt, or injury. Dan is a whore; he sleeps with many sexual partners, does it practically right in front of you, and is clearly not interested in a meaningful relationship with you. Not to mention the dangers connected with having all those partners. In short, Dan is a bad partner for *anybody*. I can see, from your post, that you are far too deeply emotionally entrenched in this relationship to leave him without professional help. *Again, I urge you to see a counselor.* -Rio
In Sync Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 Rio's list not only points out obvious valids points of why Dan is a bad partner but it is also a clue to something you don't want to face...you're in an abusive relationship. He's manipulating you because he is fully aware of your feelings, and you are supporting him in a thinly veiled effort in hopes that he will turn around and appreciate your footing the bills...this is the biggest con job of all. You are not his mother or father and even then I am sure his parents might not be this willing to foot his bills...so why are you. It's b.s. this pity you are showering over him. Trust me, he's using you and you are in a terrible stage of denial. Unfortunately because you are so reluctant to see this...until you are completely brought to your knees in this relationships will you see the light. Again, you are not helping him...get out of this.
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