How do I do this right? Or at least not so 'wrong'?

[Grrlish]

I can't believe that I actually found somewhere to possibly discuss what's going on in my head. At least I hope I have found a relatively safe place to put this out there and get some honest, non-attacking feedback.

 

I recently met someone with whom there is definitely a strong mutual attraction. I don't date much because I don't meet many guys that I want to go out with in the first place, and I don't see the point in dating just for the heck of it.

 

Anyway, this guy is doing some work for me (not through my job; on a personal basis, so there's no professional conflict). The chemistry was peaking out during brief consultations that we had before our first work session. Then the first time we got together, we spent nearly the entire time - a few hours - talking while he was working. It turned out that in addition to chemistry, we had a lot in common and we made each other laugh the entire time.

 

Leaving out the boring details, it turns out that a friend of mine knows him, and over the course of a couple of conversations between the two of them and a couple between her and me, it became clear that there is a strong mutual attraction. (*laugh* Feels like grade school.) However, he did confirm with her that he is living with a woman but that the relationship is one of 'convenience', in large part because they had purchased a home together but that it’s not much more than that anymore.

 

I told her that I don't date men with wives or girlfriends, which I never have. She said that it was pretty clear that he was interested in me and he said that, well, at least we could be friends, right? Because he thought I was a really cool person and really enjoyed talking to me. I just met the guy and it’s not as if I couldn’t be just friends with him. I have several male friends with SOs and nothing inappropriate ever happens with them.

 

However, I admit, I’m definitely interested in finding out more about his personal situation. If the relationship is that bad, is he considering leaving it? Or is he just going to stick it out for some reason?

 

*sigh* I've never in my life considered allowing myself to continue being interested in someone after finding out that they're in a relationship. Is it really that bad to try and learn a bit more about his situation? I'll be spending a bit more time around him anyway over the next month as he finishes up his work, anyway.

 

No, I don’t want to get involved with someone who is in a relationship but I do want to know if the relationship is on its way out the door.

 

He has not mentioned his gf to me directly so how do I get information? I mean, just bringing up the fact that he’s in a relationship will indicate my interest, won’t it – especially since I’ve obviously come by the information second-hand? Is that so bad, though? Can I just blatantly ask how long he and his gf have been together? I think I can work up the nerve to do this. (We talked a little about my ex-boyfriend last time I was in his shop.) Or should I just wait to see if he mentions her?

 

The awful bottom line is that if he’s not really in that relationship, I’d probably be willing to encourage him to really pull himself out of it so we could get to know each other.

[lovernotafighter]

if his relationship is out the door..he'll let you know...be around a bit..but I wouldn't ask..the one thing I've learned about men they love us women to feel sorry for them and they will let you know it..trust me here.

 

every guy who ever wanted to date me always with out fail brought up there past or current relationships to me on their own. the " woah woah pity me" line ...everyone,I swear it.

[Guest]

*sigh* I've never in my life considered allowing myself to continue being interested in someone after finding out that they're in a relationship. Is it really that bad to try and learn a bit more about his situation? I'll be spending a bit more time around him anyway over the next month as he finishes up his work, anyway.

Wow! How refreshingly straightforward, direct and honest. You sound grounded and clear-headed.

 

 

 

He has not mentioned his gf to me directly so how do I get information? I mean, just bringing up the fact that he’s in a relationship will indicate my interest, won’t it – especially since I’ve obviously come by the information second-hand? Is that so bad, though? I think I can work up the nerve to do this. (We talked a little about my ex-boyfriend last time I was in his shop.) Or should I just wait to see if he mentions her?

The truth should work well here. You had a normal conversation with a friend about work being done on your house. I have those conversations all the time. Frequently I am asked WHO is doing the work and whether or not I am satisfied with the quality of the work.

 

Then it turns out that she knows him and mentions that he lives with his girlfriend.

 

 

 

 

Can I just blatantly ask how long he and his gf have been together?

Asking about his living arrangements will definitely show interest. He will be flattered, I am sure.

 

 

 

 

The awful bottom line is that if he’s not really in that relationship, I’d probably be willing to encourage him to really pull himself out of it so we could get to know each other.

You know, there is nothing wrong with that. He probably isn't done or else he would have pulled himself out already but there is no crime in showing interest whilst making a clear statement that it ends there until he is clearly and unambiguously finished with his previous relationship.

 

 

 

 

Go for it! Just don't expect instant results.

[Iwanttohope]

If there is anything I wish, its this....that I knew about this site BEFORE I got myself into the mess I'm in now. I can't guarantee that I wouldn't have followed the same path but reading about all the heartbreak and agony would've been exactly the cold glass of water I needed thrown in my face to wake me up.

 

YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN BEING WITH A MAN WHO IS INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE ELSE!!!!!

 

Please don't slide down the slippery slope I am at the bottom of and allow yourself to be someone's side item. It hurts. Once you are in it, its so, so, sooooooooo difficult to get out.

 

Just be careful and guard your heart. The wreckage of a triangle is catastrophic. You deserve (and so does every woman on this site) a man that is all yours and values you over any "convenience".

[whichwayisup]

They have a house together, so they are binded legally until "legally" they split up the house. I think you really need to take a full step back, listen to your own words and honesty inside you. You've said it in your own post, you don't want to be involved with someone who is already IN a relationship. Good or bad relationship, only he knows and she knows - Forget what anybody else has to say about it or what it "looks" like from the outside. Fact is, you don't know what goes on behind closed doors, so with that being said...Back off and leave him alone. If and when he ever breaks up with her, sells the house and is available again - YOU will find out when it happens, right? That is when you let him know you're interested. Don't do it now! It's not fair to him or his girlfriend. If you were in this situation, I think you'd be abit pissed off if a girl was 'waiting in the wings' for your guy, waiting for the relationship to end so she could move in on the first opportunity given or signs of trouble....

 

Sorry to sound harsh, but you don't need to be second to a man who already has committments to someone else.

[Guest]

Thanks for the responses.

 

I'm not pursuing the guy; I simply inquired about his 'status...so I'm not worried about 'backing off' and I'm not going to defend myself. I didn't think I had to, which is why I posted here.

 

I meet guys with girlfriends all the time...don't you? It doesn't mean that I don't say hey when I see them in the store or talk to them if I see them at the local pub. I live in an unconvential small town. The people here are open and friendly. It's not uncommon for me to chat over a beer with my next door neighbor's husband or the boyfriends of other female friends. Talking to a guy doesn't mean that I'm pursuing them. When I'm in a relationship, my male friends don't disappear and I don't stop talking to other men.

 

Also, he's doing some custom work for me so I will be seeing him a 2-4 times over the next 6 weeks. Other than the work, there is no reason for me to drop in and talk to him. He lives an hour away so it's not like I'm even going to see him around town. I've never seen him anywhere except for at his shop.

 

And you're right, don't worry. I'm not planning on being second to anyone, not to any guy's SO or to any guy. I guess I was simply posting my thoughts (thinking outloud, as it maybe) and I'm curious to know what his situation really is, and will be.

 

As for being pissed off about some other girl waiting in the wings, I'm not 'waiting in the wings' and I'm not waiting to move in on her game. I'm interesting in him and if he were to find himself single, yes, I'd go out with him in a second. That's different than what you implied, and a very common 'condition'. I know plenty of attractive people that would have a date the next day if they were suddenly single. It's just a reality.

[Grrlish]

Thanks for the responses.

 

I'm not pursuing the guy; I simply inquired about his 'status...so I'm not worried about 'backing off' and I'm not going to defend myself. I didn't think I had to, which is why I posted here.

 

I meet guys with girlfriends all the time...don't you? It doesn't mean that I don't say hey when I see them in the store or talk to them if I see them at the local pub. I live in an unconvential small town. The people here are open and friendly. It's not uncommon for me to chat over a beer with my next door neighbor's husband or the boyfriends of other female friends. Talking to a guy doesn't mean that I'm pursuing them. When I'm in a relationship, my male friends don't disappear and I don't stop talking to other men.

Also, he's doing some custom work for me so I will be seeing him a 2-4 times over the next 6 weeks. Other than the work, there is no reason for me to drop in and talk to him. He lives an hour away so it's not like I'm even going to see him around town. I've never seen him anywhere except for at his shop.

 

And you're right, don't worry. I'm not planning on being second to anyone, not to any guy's SO or to any guy. I guess I was simply posting my thoughts (thinking outloud, as it maybe) and I'm curious to know what his situation really is, and will be.

 

As for being pissed off about some other girl waiting in the wings, I'm not 'waiting in the wings' and I'm not waiting to move in on her game. I realize that because I'm new here and due to the topic of my first post, it might be difficult to tell that I'm a 'nice girl'. And that's exactly why I was looking for somewhere to discuss this topic...because it's a weird one for me.

 

I'm interesting in him and if he were to find himself single, yes, I'd go out with him in a second. That's different than what you implied, and a very common 'condition'. I know plenty of attractive people that would have a date the next day if they were suddenly single. It's just a reality.

[Grrlish]

Again, really, thank you for the honest replies. I'm going to allow him to finish the work that he's started and listen while he works.

 

I would not be able to look myself in the mirror if anything inappropriate were to happen, because, WhichWay, like you said, there IS a woman in his life. And we grrls have to treat each other with respect.

[movinon05]

Hey Grrlish,

 

Welcome to our little world. Don't worry. Most will not judge you and assume you're not a nice girl. Sometimes it takes a little time to understand the whole story with a few posts, although I thought you were pretty clear.

 

I have a feeling you will find out in the next few weeks what might be going on with him. Although since you have talked about your ex, I don't think its out of the ordinary to ask if he has a GF. Just see how things unfold.

 

It seems to me you have your head on straight and you're not about to pursue someone if they have a partner. If, for some reason, you do think that might happen, take a long look around here and you'll know its the wrong way to go and be able to get out early.

[Sami_D]

Hello and welcome Grrlish,

 

Yes, this is more or less a safe place to post, but it's not really moderated, and your posts appear on the front page of the site, so you will get people from all over the site reading them. And if you say something casually, thinking that only OW or people with sympathy are going to be reading it... you might get a few surprise visitors to the thread. lol. Don't worry... there's a core of OW here who have been there, done what's 'inappropriate' ourselves, and survived. We can give you some good advice.

 

 

... he is living with a woman but that the relationship is one of 'convenience', in large part because they had purchased a home together but that it’s not much more than that anymore...

 

However, I admit, I’m definitely interested in finding out more about his personal situation. If the relationship is that bad, is he considering leaving it? Or is he just going to stick it out for some reason?

 

*sigh* I've never in my life considered allowing myself to continue being interested in someone after finding out that they're in a relationship. Is it really that bad to try and learn a bit more about his situation? I'll be spending a bit more time around him anyway over the next month as he finishes up his work, anyway.

 

No, of course there's nothing wrong with asking someone about their life, girlfriend, whatever. That's all pretty innocent stuff in a way. It's part of general chat with people you're not interested in, so I don't see a problem there.

 

But... you already know he has a girlfriend and a house with her. So what are you waiting to hear... that it really is just 'convenience'..? That he wants to leave but hasn't because of x,y,z...?

 

Then what will you do?

 

When you get into that position... really liking someone who is in a bad relationship... and they get to really liking you... it's just a stone's throw from misery. Believe me. Even if you do nothing physical... it won't be 'just friends'... you've admitted yourself that you already feel/want more from this person. I know exactly how that feels.

 

Unless he's left her... you're on dodgy ground (and I mean from the point of view of your own emotions and well-being, not propriety), and why would he leave her unless you two have something going on together..? He has no reason to, does he..? Or is that what you want to find out?

 

Anyway, you're so right to wonder so much and ask advice at this stage. Please keep posting and take from the site what you find positive and helpful, rather than worrying about having to defend yourself. You don't.

[movinon05]

My main reason for asking him if he has a GF is just to see if he is going to be honest with you. You have the upper hand knowing what the truth is. If he isn't honest, that will be your first red flag and your first indication of what is to come if you proceed further.

[Grrlish]

Movinon, thanks for the understanding words. I have pretty strong morals. It's been a long time since I met someone that I thought I might actually hit it off with, and I guess meeting him and then hearing that his relationship was on the rocks, well, it made me think stupid thoughts. But you're right. I'm not going to pursue someone who has a SO at home.

 

And Sami, you make some really good points - about that slippery slope. Thank you.

 

There is no reason for me to ask questions about his personal life. Because unless he's already left her, then there's nothing to even think about. And he hasn't, and I don't think that it's 'in progress', so...that's that.

 

I know myself well enough to know that I can be friendly while he finishes the job without looking for more from him. It's a set of rules and I know where to draw the line. And I'm not planning on dancing on the edge of that line. Once the work is done, there's no reason for me to see him again.

 

Thank you for the straightforward but understanding input.

 

Oh, and Movinon, I hear what checking for lying. I won't be bringing up his relationship but he might, so I'll have my ears open. But he is pretty well known in town since he owns a couple of businesses, and it's a smallish town. I know one of the guys that works for him, and we have a few other acquaintences in common. He doesn't strike me as a liar, and even if he were, that's one lie he wouldn't get away with in a small town like this.

[Sami_D]

Grrlish... IF you really do walk away from this at this point... kudos to you... you will have saved yourself years of heartache.

 

Look girls! One got away! YAY!

[Guest]

Sami, you're sweet...and yet I know that you're serious.

 

The guy called me today to a) confirm our appt. on Thurs, and b) ask about a donation form that I gave him for a charity that I volunteer for. He then proceeded to shoot the bull with me for about 10 minutes, including telling me that he's been looking for a new house to buy - which tells me that he's maybe more in the process of ending his relationship that I was aware.

 

Still, it's just talk and he didn't say anything inappropriate at all.

 

I promise to keep my head on straight.

[Grrlish]

I apologize if I'm accidentally posting the same thing twice. Does this forum let you post even if you're not signed in?

 

 

Sami, you're sweet...and yet I know that you're serious.

The guy called me today to a) confirm our appt. on Thurs, and b) ask about a donation form that I gave him for a charity that I volunteer for. He then proceeded to shoot the bull with me for about 10 minutes, including telling me that he's been looking for a new house to buy - which tells me that he's maybe more in the process of ending his relationship that I was aware.

 

Still, it's just talk and he didn't say anything inappropriate at all.

 

I promise to keep my head on straight. I'm good at standing back and watching...

[Sami_D]

I apologize if I'm accidentally posting the same thing twice. Does this forum let you post even if you're not signed in?

 

 

Sami, you're sweet...and yet I know that you're serious.

The guy called me today to a) confirm our appt. on Thurs, and b) ask about a donation form that I gave him for a charity that I volunteer for. He then proceeded to shoot the bull with me for about 10 minutes, including telling me that he's been looking for a new house to buy - which tells me that he's maybe more in the process of ending his relationship that I was aware.

 

Still, it's just talk and he didn't say anything inappropriate at all.

 

I promise to keep my head on straight. I'm good at standing back and watching...

 

ooooooooOOOOOhhhhhhh.

 

Standing back and watching indeed lol

 

Yes! Keep your head on for Heaven's sake!!

[movinon05]

Wouldn't it be nice if it were really true and someone really did what they said they were going to do. Hmmm. Yes, I'd keep watching!! Good for you for staying on the sidelines.

[Grrlish]

I won't lie and say that I'm not attracted to the man. But, honestly, I live my life with integrity. And the reason I posted here is because it's been a long time since my personal integrity felt like someone was taking a bottle opener to it.

 

But...I know I can do it.

 

Movinon, in all fairness, he's not said that he's doing ANYTHING to me. I'm going to work with him tomorrow. It will be interesting to hear what he has to say.

 

Truly, it is my nature to listen for a while to people before I form a true opinion. EDIT: However, it is true that my "opinion" already incluces the reality that he is in a relationship.

 

But, damn, I have to admit, I occasionally wish I didn't have so many ($*(@Q(#^$ morals

[movinon05]

I won't lie and say that I'm not attracted to the man. But, honestly, I live my life with integrity. And the reason I posted here is because it's been a long time since my personal integrity felt like someone was taking a bottle opener to it.

 

But...I know I can do it.

 

Movinon, in all fairness, he's not said that he's doing ANYTHING to me. I'm going to work with him tomorrow. It will be interesting to hear what he has to say.

 

Truly, it is my nature to listen for a while to people before I form a true opinion. EDIT: However, it is true that my "opinion" already incluces the reality that he is in a relationship.

 

But, damn, I have to admit, I occasionally wish I didn't have so many ($*(@Q(#^$ morals

 

I understand! I meant that if he really is buying a house (even though he doesn't tell you why) and he does buy it and move out from his GF. That's all.

 

And hey, morals don't ever steer you wrong. If you went against them, you could set yourself and others up for a lot of heartbreak!

[Sami_D]

Hello, it's me again, the Voice of Doom.

 

But, damn, I have to admit, I occasionally wish I didn't have so many ($*(@Q(#^$ morals

 

I just wanted to say that this is Dangerous Thinking. Forgive me 'black-and-whiters' but... it's not a question of your morals... it's a question of your sanity, self-respect and your heart. PLEASE don't view this as a struggle between your morals and an A... because it might turn out to be 'easy enough' to talk yourself out of morals.

 

If you think of it as talking yourself into a horrible personal situation, you'd be more accurate.

 

re: The House Buying.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but he still hasn't mentioned his girlfriend. So... we don't know whether it's not him buying a house, but them buying a house. I think the fact he's talking about "buying himself a house" might be a Red Flag... he's omitting her from the picture..?

 

If I were you I'd find some way to push it a little and discover how much he's painting her out for your benefit, and the benefit of a little more flirting, etc. or whether she actually IS out of the picture (which I doubt...)

[Grrlish]

Thanks, Sami. Don't worry. I'm just thinking 'out loud'. I'm not talking myself into defying my own morals. And I am honestly not trying to talk myself into a horrible personal situation.

 

I can see the horrible possibilities, and I deserve much more than that.

 

I'm not hurtin' for a date these days so I'm not desperately looking for someone to spend time with. I get asked out often (I just rarely choose to go), and I am seeing someone occasionally but we both know that we date other people.

 

Over the last few days, I've given this a lot of thought, and the input here has helped, and I've been able to firm-up my mindset (not that it truly wavered much in the first place) and place him in the correct 'category'.

 

We sometimes meet people who are 'off limits' with whom we have chemistry. This is not the first time and it won't be the last. But the bottom line is that they are Off Limits. When people are off limits, it's okay to feel the chemistry and just let it be. We don't have to DO anything about it.

[whichwayisup]

We sometimes meet people who are 'off limits' with whom we have chemistry. This is not the first time and it won't be the last. But the bottom line is that they are Off Limits. When people are off limits, it's okay to feel the chemistry and just let it be. We don't have to DO anything about it.

VERY wise words...It happens, and chemistry is chemistry. Leave it as just that, don't react, don't think about it - Move on... At this point right now, it becomes a CHOICE.

[movinon05]

I have no doubt you'll be fine either way. Nothing wrong with thinking out loud!!

 

Not to change the subject, but can you give me tips on how to date more than one person at a time!! lol!! This is all new to me!! :bunny:

[Grrlish]

I have no doubt you'll be fine either way. Nothing wrong with thinking out loud!!

 

Not to change the subject, but can you give me tips on how to date more than one person at a time!! lol!! This is all new to me!! :bunny:

 

*laugh* MovinOn, you're funny. I don't tend to date more than one person at a time - although I have. I hardly have the patience to date one person at a time!

 

For me, dating more than one guy at a time requires not sleeping with any of them and keeping things at a friendly level. However, I will say that I am getting the cobwebs cleared by the person that I mentioned above, so it does make it easier to not sleep with anyone else that I might go to out with.

 

Like I said earlier, I live in a small town so if one cares about her reptutation, one can't be out sleeping around anyway. Men talk. Some of the guys consider me one of the guys and they tend to talk rather freely around me about their conquests, if you will. I don't want to finally meet someone that I really like and have 5 guys tell him about the scar you can only see when my pants are off.

[movinon05]

Oh Gosh, I'm not talking about hopping into bed with anyone anytime soon!!! lol! Just trying to pick and choose, you know?

 

I never have dated more than one person at a time either. Its just a matter of finding one I would want to dump the others for! Oh, woe is me! lol!