dormin12345 Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 Sometimes I feel like I want to get married to louann. She is smart, funny and caring. She has been a teacher for almost a year now and so I am sure can put up with a ton of bulls***. We have been together now for nearly three years and our wedding is scheduled for September 3rd in Baltimore, MD. louann is everything I could ever ask for in a wife {though (and I confess of being guilty of this as well) her domestic skills could use some polishing. When I quit my job she was very supportive when many women would have been berating and mean. I think she is much happier no that I have a job which I enjoy. She is willing to try anything twice (except that pesky three-way) and I can appreciate that. She also supports my writing, even though I work on about 20 projects a year that span no more than 20 pages each. louann's only crime that I can see, and the one that is the cause of all my indecisiveness is that she loves me -- I mean she really loves me and sometimes that can make me feel trapped. I feel like (and she has admitted this in the past) that anytime that I am not spending with her is wasted time. She has been trying to improve on this but I can still feel a twinge of dissatisfaction when I tell her that I am going out with louis or I have to close at the store, or scott is sleeping over for the night. Although I know she will deny this I feel sometimes she tries to sabotage my good times with others -- either calling constantly to let me know she misses me or calling me into the bedroom when louis is over. This when combined with my commitmentphobia, makes me feel smothered and makes me long to be alone again. When I come home from work -- I just want to be alone sometimes -- louann thinks that this is personal against her but I am simply a more introverted personality and place a high premium on my personal space (hello I only have one friend except louann) and sometimes I just need to be alone. I do ont know if this is a natural feeling experienced by everyone or if I feel this because of louann. However, I love and care for louann a great deal and therefore I feel great feelings of guilt when I tell her that "Hey, I need sometime to myself for MY friends and MY life" -- while she thinks of everything in "WE" -- when she talks about the next 10 years of OUR lives it involves kids and carseats and all of this seems like drudgery to me but I am afraid to tell louann this because she wants kids fairly soon. I feel right now (and for the foreseeable future) that kids would be more of a burden than a joy. Maybe this will change when the kids are born but maybe not. My greatest fear is that, as this is my first relationship, that there is something better out there just around the corner. Once I advance to a higher position at my job, a job that covers nearly a whole state and requires almost 25% of the year on the road -- will she be able to deal with this? She (purposely or not) makes me feel guilty when I want to hang out with louis for a few hours -- saying -- well we don't spend anytime together as it is -- when I spend more time with her than anyone else. I can deal with this on the off-occassion that I go out -- but I worry that when I am on the road it will cause the rift between us to grow and cuase her to resent me and say that I do not CARE about her. I now find myself in one of two mindsets -- the marriage mindset and the leave mindset. Exact dialogue from my head during leave moods: What the hell are you doing here? You're going to settle for this little life -- didn't your parents tell you, you were destined for great things -- yeah real great. Get married, kids, job, grandkids and then dead. No great accomplishments -- no one will remember my name. I will never know the touch of another woman and that first rush of excitement of another first kiss -- is this the best -- is this the best I can do (maybe it is?) My f***ing-wonderful settled for life. Do I stay because I legitimately want to or because I am too scared to leave? I care about louann alot but I can't remember the last time I looked at her next to me and thought "God, I love this woman -- this is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with." and "If this is really my soulmate shouldn't I be more sure of this?" She wants me to make up my mind but I hear that same twinge of disappointment in her voice when she says "Do you want me to call my Mom and tell her to call of the wedding?" That I hear when she calls when I am out with louis or when she hears scott is coming to a softball game. When I am in the marriage mindset here is my internal dialogue: "I am 25 years old and I have found a woman who loves me with all her heart and all her soul. Some men go their whole live and never find that. They f*** anything with two legs and then at around forty when their need ot reproduce reaches its peak they find some woman who he finds passable and marries her. louann however, cares about me -- as much as I have been driving her nuts lately she is being as patient as I can imagine anyone being with me. She is kind and will raise our children well. I can be content in this life. We will share the responsibilities of life -- the bills, laundry, etc. and can have a happy and hopefully healthy union. louann moved here for me, gave up hr dream job for me and what was her dream? To marry me. How can I now take that away from her? Maybe we work out maybe we don't -- but we have to at least try." What scares me the most about each response is that the first one is grotesquely dark. Can I not recognize something great when it is in right in front of me? Are my expectations set too high and if I lower them am I only admitting failure. What scares me the most about the second response is that it is almost 100 words long and the word "love" is not mentioned. I do not want our marriage to be one of merely convenience, hey we bought a car toether we have an aprarmtent together, we have debt together -- therefore lets get married. I hate to see louann in pain and I want desperately for her to be happy -- but is this love or some backward form of pity? I wish she was more independent I wish I didn't feel like if we break up, whether it is now, later or never that it would shatter her and ruin her life. NO ONE -- from husband to mother to ANYONE should be the center of your life -- in the end you can only rely on yourself and I sometimes think that louann expects me to be her center and her strength and that is too much pressure on me all the time. Any help that you can give me would be appreciated -- becuase right now we are both going through hell.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 Sounds like the problem is that you're just not man enough. And you know it.
CantCutitOff Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 Dormin... That sounds like my exBF & I. We dated for 5 years & then were off & on for another... and I"m about your age. I was feeling the same conflict that you were... thinking "Here's this great person that would be a great father & would be great to raise a family with & has never done anything to hurt me & my family and friends all love him & (insert similar comments here)... ...but do I really want to do this? Is this settling? I"m still young..." I too have the "no one should be the center of your life" mentality (I like to call it my "balanced" approach). What ended up happening to us is this: we broke up after 5 years (right about when everyone - including us - had thought we'd be engaged), were off & on for about a year, and then I decided I needed to create some space to figure out if this was something I really wanted. Although there was significantly more space than before, we've still remained close -- and he's really helped me through some tough situations lately. I love him dearly... I just still am not convinced he's "the one" anymore (we've both changed significantly since we started dating). So where are we now? Still in that "gray" area. My mother said to me last week... "you know, no one is ever going to meet every need you ever have in a relationship." I thought to myself, "Yeah, but do I want to decide that for sure right now?" I've dated around a bit -- and gotten myself into many a situation I should've avoided like the plague -- but he's still been there for me when I've needed him. I definitely don't have that same excitement that I initially did when we started dating...and I still get annoyed at the same types of things that bother you with "Louann". But I think it's starting to become more clear to me that both people have to give a little... and maybe I was the one before who wasn't willing to do that. We're not back together... still trying to friend thing as I sort out a variety of other issues in my life... but I've been damn lucky to have him there... and where I would've ruled out a future with him a few months ago... I can see it happening again now. Hope that helps a little!
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 We're not back together... still trying to friend thing as I sort out a variety of other issues in my life... but I've been damn lucky to have him there... and where I would've ruled out a future with him a few months ago... I can see it happening again now. Nice that he's there for you while you, Ms. Ambivilent, string him along as you try to figure out what you want. Poor guy.
CantCutitOff Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 jen... I've always been extremely upfront & open with him about where I am + that it may not work between us. I've encouraged him to date around and not to "wait" for me, and he has. He's continued to be there for me... and I have continued to be there for him... when we need each other. It may seem as though it's "stringing along" -- but I've been open and honest with him and he's made the choice to stick around for the time being.
Numbheart Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 Exact dialogue from my head during leave moods: What the hell are you doing here? You're going to settle for this little life -- didn't your parents tell you, you were destined for great things -- yeah real great. Get married, kids, job, grandkids and then dead. No great accomplishments -- no one will remember my name. I will never know the touch of another woman and that first rush of excitement of another first kiss -- is this the best -- is this the best I can do (maybe it is?) My f***ing-wonderful settled for life. Do I stay because I legitimately want to or because I am too scared to leave? I care about louann alot but I can't remember the last time I looked at her next to me and thought "God, I love this woman -- this is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with." and "If this is really my soulmate shouldn't I be more sure of this?" I'm going to ignore the rest of your post to start with and try and touch on a couple of things within this section. Firstly, the grass is not "always" greener, it "can" take a big man to be happy with what he has. Secondly, no one will remember your name....if your talking about accomplishments then what is more important to you? My name will be remembered for what I do professionally after I am gone, I made my mark on the world, but its taken its toll on my personal relationship life. I'd much rather not have done that and be in a happy committed relationship, that says a lot to me now and is easy to say in hindsight. Yes I'm proud of myself for doing what I've done, but I know what would have made me happier. Its sort of like having vast amounts of money, if you have no-one to share it with, it doesnt bring you happiness.....be happy within you first and foremost. The greatest accomplishment in life is everything you listed as not being!! Thirdly, if you truely cant remember the last time you felt like "god I love this woman and want to spend the rest of my life with her" then stop messing her around NOW! I would agree with jen jen, you aint man enough!
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 My name will be remembered for what I do professionally after I am gone, I made my mark on the world, but its taken its toll on my personal relationship life. I'd much rather not have done that and be in a happy committed relationship, that says a lot to me now and is easy to say in hindsight. I would agree with jen jen, you aint man enough! Ab-so-frickin-lutely! I would much rather be accomplished in life by leaving a legacy rich in love for those closest to me, than to accomplish fame or monetary fortune. Yep, a real man doesn't shy away from commitment...he seeks it.
insomnie Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 You sound EXACTLY like my ex-boyfriend. He told me he felt pressured to spend all his time with me, and felt guilty when he didn't. He said he just wanted to be alone, that he loved me but didn't want to have to "check in" with me about anything he was doing. He missed his independence. I was feeling neglected because, though we spent a lot of time together, it was never quality time and he was always very aloof and unhappy. We broke up. It sounds to me like you don't feel like being in a relationsip right now. I don't know waht kind of advice to offer you, but you have to understand that love, real love, is a decision, not the butterflies in your stomach that come with lusting after someone new. You have to make the decision whether or not to love "Louann" now, and quickly, and stick with it once you do, because things can't keep on working the way they are now. She will start to resent you for not loving her like you should, and you will keep on resenting her for binding herself to you. You might miss her if you leave, though. Good luck.
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