Sisty Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 I guess breakups are as difficult for the younger set as well as the senior set and I am a senior. I had not dated for 20 years..coming out of a bad marriage just felt safer,,,,fear of being hurt. Met a family member friend who has know him since childhood. I agreed to date him with family and friends pushing me. We were very compatiable but was more of a casual relationship..he had his home I had mine. We took many trips together..he wined, and dined and eventually bedded me to be blunt. He told me we were a couple, I was his significant other etc. We met each others families..traveled with his children and so forth...All was perfect. Had wonderful times. After our last trip to NM he told me he was impotent but that did not matter to me and I told him that. We still have a terrific time. Since coming back home we had not seen each other that much ( his children moved in with him temporarily waiting for their new home to get done.and they kept him busy)but still went to a few plays, dinner etc. He asked me out several times and then canceled. Then we would get together and everything seemed fine to me. I did not call or email him ..just once in awhile.(.he had told me to call him anytime.) The last time I saw him I asked him if we were still a couple or just friends and he said friends. Reason I asked him is that I felt things were slowing down..and then he said I like my independence (still trying to figure that one out...had hardly seen him for several months...LOL) but he liked me alot. Last thing he said to me that night was for me to pick out some plays I would like to see..as we loved going to plays and musicals. Mothers Day after I did not receive a call or email reply about whether he was coming to my BBQ or not...his friend told me that he did not want to see me anymore....I was to possesive and getting to close..and his grands were trying to set him up with some grandmas. Well I was stunned, hurt, confused and angry that I had to hear this second hand..that this man who I confided in and trusted and he in me...talk about everything and anything...could not talk to ME!!..So after the inital shock...had my cry, wanted to talk to him but did not...but what really got it me is the reason WHY he dumped me..I never felt in any way that I confined him or wanted a commitment from him...ever....so question is...do I NC which I have not thus far or he with me...or write him a letter and get if off my chest...just remind him of the things he said and did that led me to think that we were a couple but NOT in a committed relationship...I do not LOVE him..but LIKE him alot and I miss the companionship etc...some one told me that he may be sorry that he did this.. So....letter or not??? Any advice would be appreciated......Thanks !!
Numbheart Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 Bit of a strange one. Reading through the first half of your post I thought you were going to say he turned around and ended it all because he felt like you were too distant or not committed enough, so was a bit shocked in reading the second half. However, he may actually have been feeling like this and told friends differently to try and save face? At this point, if you feel the need to try and communicate with him about all this, then do so, no-one can hold anything against you for trying. It sounds like you need answers, so try and get them for yourself. If that just ends up like banging your head against a wall, then give up and go NC.
riobikini Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 Sisty, This man appears to have been simply missing companionship with a female, and you happened to have been available. I'm sure he enjoyed your company during the 'romantic' period, initially, but -at some point- during that period, he must have realized he was just not ready to 'settle down' again. His thoughts and actions at the beginning may have truly been genuine, but the later developing realizations concluded (for him) that he *did not want* a committed living-under-one-roof type of relationship with anyone. Perhaps, a surprising revelation to him, as well. Some of his decision could have come from his currently adopted lifestyle in regards to his relationship with his children and grandchildren. Maybe, it stemmed from the refreshment of the experience of actually being with someone frequently, in hopes of making things more permanent, -but he wound up with 'cold feet'. *Whatever caused his decision probably had nothing to do with how lovable, desirable, nor lovely you are. It's just what feels 'right' for him, at this point in his life.* Look at it in the best light possible, under the circumstances: you both 'got your feet wet' again, concerning romantic experience. And you both did, apparently, enjoy yourselves with each other. And except for the leftover feelings of rejection you are now dealing with, you could both (possibly) *maintain a sincere friendship* despite the failure of developing a more committed relationship. Those feelings of rejection are really the things that seem to be at the core of your concern, right now. It hurts to have enjoyed the realtionship so much and to have had, perhaps, hopes of it becoming more committed and longer lasting, only to have it come to this surprising end. Also, it must hurt and disturb you to know of the encouragement of his family for him to experience other dating partners- but, look, -so can you. This whole situation opens up doors for you, as well: you've already re-entered the dating scene, and rediscovered that you *like* the idea. And it could be good for you, in that it, obviously, could offer new personal growth, (fun, too, perhaps?). Do not let the confusing or painful circumstances of any of this grip you, own you, nor depress you, in any way. Fight it...because those emotions will only lie to you about yourself. Take time to remind yourself of all your positive qualities, all the things you're good at, all the wonderful things you do -and are. Do a little self-review, and absorb it to your internal depths. After concentrating on your better qualities and getting reacquainted with yourself, you should find yourself feeling much happier about your prospects with alot of things (not just romance), with what you can accomplish, and just who you are, aside from your connection with this former romantic affair. Because the feeling of being rejected in a relationship is powerful, and has the ability to destroy or damage many perceptions of yourself, both good and bad, it is necessary to be realistic and honest with yourself, as well as fiercely strong in maintaining your foothold on the positive qualities you already know about yourself. It takes strength, resolve, and lotsa kindness directed towards yourself, to defeat rejection. *You can't let rejection take control: you give it an inch, it'll take a mile.* Focusing on all the possible reasons why this man rejected you can only keep you in a mental funk....so after you have given it it's due, turn your attention to other, more pleasant things as often as possible, that have nothing to do with the situation. Remember that there are always going to be circumstances that we have to deal with that do not offer answers, nor understanding as to why they occur. Accept that. Easier said than done, I know, -but it's accomplish-able. Accepting things we cannot change is as difficult as it's cousin 'forgiveness'. And they go hand in hand. The desired state of mind (acceptance) comes with a period of trying to understand (analyzing, targeting the facts that are available to us), and putting them into a rational perspective we can 'swallow'. And it's that 'unknown' stuff that bothers us most. It's *why* the whole idea of acceptance *appears* impossible. We think that, if only we had the answers that someone else has (but won't or can't give), -that we'd be 'just fine' with the whole situation and be able to put it behind us. Human behavior/thinking doesn't work that way: we're 'faulty' in that we want to take it to the next level of understanding -define it further, roll it around a little more.....until were nearly insane with all the other 'unknown answers 'out there' that seem to compel us to search further. *Those are all steps downward* to a very, very depressed state of mind. Not good. You have to put an end to it somewhere, and *only you* can do that by setting your limit to dealing with only the facts that you know, and can see. Never get caught up in the gazillion details possible from the analyzing period....and never allow extended hours at a time going over it. Give yourself a break and allow it to be a *limited* process, -not a cross you start dragging around , all day long, on a daily basis. Release yourself mentally from any guilt, (often pseudo-guilt), regret, or blame concerning the circumstances, and allow the whole damned mess to slide off your mental radar. *Give it it's 'due' time, believe the results, and don't dig it up again.* Here's a cliche' for you -and this time it's true all backwards, (Smile) : Sisty, it's not you, -it's him. ('nother smile.) You're gonna be OK. -Rio
Author Sisty Posted May 22, 2006 Author Posted May 22, 2006 Thank you !!!....I appreciate all the of advice ..really !!...Good thoughts to ponder. I think I have already taken steps to focus on other things and not this so much as in the begining. The SHOCK of it was the hurtful part of course and thinking you know someone when perhaps you really do not. I have to realize that I did nothing wrong..period. I did not want more that what I already had with him. I would have never married him...etc....I am moving on....removed email addresses, address book removal, disgarded a few things. Have set up some projects, a pottery class etc...I keep myself busy,busy and today I am having the hair cut even shorter..made some travel plans....baby steps...but I am getting better and feeling better about ME....I am going to be selfish and think about ME...pamper myself and move towards perhaps better things...if someone else comes along..fine...if not..fine...life is to short to let another person destroy it..not going to let it take over my life...just push it aside and go onward ,,,,,think I am on the road to recovery...Yippee for me...!!!...Thanks again....
riobikini Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 re: Sisty: " I have to realize that I did nothing wrong..period." "Ditto!", gal! (Smile) -Rio
Guest Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 Sisty, do you mind if I ask what age range your in ? You don't have to respond, and I apoloigize if I'm offending you... Just curious since I am older myself.
Author Sisty Posted May 23, 2006 Author Posted May 23, 2006 In reply to the age question>>?/// I am a young 66 !!...No problem ..I am not afraid to tell my age....I feel 30...
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