rhlovesrs Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 You are correct. I have been involved in this for 3 years now and I would be lying if I said I don't want to be No. 1. Well at least his No.1 girl cause his kids will always be his No.1 priority. I don't hold out much hope for this working out in my favour, especially since I read alot of the postings on here. Of course you know we all fantasize otherwise. I can be realistic about the situation, but I have not been able to find the strength to let my brain take control and win out over my heart. I am not sure how easy it would be for me to move on with my life. We work very closely together at work. We have taken a break before and you could still feel the magnetic pull between us. When we talk to each other, no matter where we are, our eyes lock and you can see and feel the love - and that has never changed over the years. I had never been the cheater and this is my first time being involved as the OW. However, I did seriously start dating someone during our first/last break and by all appearances I was happy and he was happy for me. He was still a constant thought of mine, no matter how much I tried to concentrate on the other person. Eventually, I gave in and I became a cheater. It only happened one time, but it did happen nonetheless. That was a very down time for me. First of all, I became the other woman when I previously looked down on that. Then I became a cheater and I always took a sense of pride in the fact that I would be totally committed to my partner. I realized at that time, that trying to push aside or hide my feelings was not going to work. So I am not sure how easy it will be, or how successful I would be at trying to move on again?? I feel sad when I think about things. I have been around the block. I have found success in every aspect of my life and truly want that love I have with him on a full time basis. I never thought that I would feel love like this. I never thought that I would be willing to sacrifice so much just for the part time relationship I have. I never thought that I would ever become the third party / OW in a relationship and previously looked down on other OW. I think about him in whatever decisions I make. I do not want to walk away. I am not totally unhappy with being the OW "yet" and if I am feeling this way after 3 yrs, I am not sure how long it will take for me to feel that discontent. After 3 yrs I still have tingles with every kind of contact we have - meet in the hallway at work, emails, phone calls, texts, etc... What does all that say??? I can carry on with my life the best way I can right now - being the OW, but I can safely say that at this piont my door and my heart will always be open to him. I am letting him have this power over me and I dont know how to stop it, or even if I want to. I do have a fear that I will end up an old lonely lady because I am content with the situation as it is right now because of the overall feeling that I can honestly say that I have. Is there any hope for me?? Can someone help!!!! Am I holding on to a fantasy??? How can I let go of the feelings and the love that we share??
Glamourbella Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 Hon--, I've been there and done that. There is hope for you if you can be strong and let go of this relationship. If he has made you wait three years, do you really think he loves you? Yes, there might be a magnetic pull, but when you are in a relationship as you are in, you are sort of virtually stuck in "honeymoon" mode, and the relationship never lifts off to the next level. That is why you have this intense attraction. Why would someone who cares about someone do that, not leave his other relationship, I mean? The best way that I can think of for you to have a fufilled life is go and get yourself a fufilled relationship. Go out and get a man who really cares about you and only you. Start dating, also spend time with your family/friends, they can give you emotional support. You deserve someone who wants to be with you and not two people.
Grrlish Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 Rhlovesrs, I agree with Glamourbella about the excitement and the perpetual honeymoon mode of a situation like yours. I understand your 'giving in' and giving him that control over your life. I've felt that before, although not with a MM but with a control freak with whom there was amazing intense chemistry. Same thing, there was a lot of underlying drama and it was a rollercoaster ride. I almost married the jerk, and it would have been the worst mistake of my life. Good thing that he finally walked away because I chose to hold onto my last shred of dignity. You did not say that he's seriously considering leaving his wife and you also said that you are content with the situation as it is right now, so I'm assuming that you're both on the same page about this being an affair. But, it sounds as if you do have hopes that he'll choose to leave his wife for you someday. You're living in a fantasy, but I think you already know that. If you're happy with what you have then you haven't learned yet that you deserve the whole pie, not just the crumbs. I don't know how old you are but, yes, you could wind up an old maid, as you put it, because you're willing to live on crumbs. You will not likely meet someone else who will offer you the whole pie while you're focused on picking up the crumbs that your MM is feeding you. Even if you do meet that person, you probably won't 'see' them. How do you let go of the love and feelings? Well, there are all of the things that you've probably heard already, like - If those feelings truly are mutual, why is he still with his wife? - Step back and see the pain that he's causing or is eventually going to inflict on his wife and his children. - Consider, he could choose to end your affair at any time. There is no 'forever' included in an affair. - Choose to let it go. You can choose to walk away even if you still love him and have feelings for him, you know. After all, you deserve more. I hope you choose not to remain happy with the situation for too long, my dear. If, at your core, you have a higher level of integrity than that to which you are currently holding yourself, you're going to feel really bad when his wife and children find out. And, again, you really do deserve to have it all...not the leftovers.
lovernotafighter Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 - Choose to let it go. You can choose to walk away even if you still love him and have feelings for him, you know. After all, you deserve more. this is the my driving force...I do love my MM with all my heart..but for one thing I really don't ever want to hate him..I don't. and this relationship is causing me so much pain any more that I have to have all or none.period
Jessie61 Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 I feel sad when I think about things. I have been around the block. I have found success in every aspect of my life and truly want that love I have with him on a full time basis. I never thought that I would feel love like this. I never thought that I would be willing to sacrifice so much just for the part time relationship I have. I never thought that I would ever become the third party / OW in a relationship and previously looked down on other OW. I think about him in whatever decisions I make. I do not want to walk away. I am not totally unhappy with being the OW "yet" and if I am feeling this way after 3 yrs, I am not sure how long it will take for me to feel that discontent. After 3 yrs I still have tingles with every kind of contact we have - meet in the hallway at work, emails, phone calls, texts, etc... What does all that say??? I can carry on with my life the best way I can right now - being the OW, but I can safely say that at this piont my door and my heart will always be open to him. I am letting him have this power over me and I dont know how to stop it, or even if I want to. I do have a fear that I will end up an old lonely lady because I am content with the situation as it is right now because of the overall feeling that I can honestly say that I have. RH, I could be barking up the wrong tree here, but I wonder if there might be some self esteem issues here? Why? I was puzzled in a way that you would even ask if you are entitled to ask for more than being the OW in the original post? And was it selfish of you to do so etc... I would always have thought that it is perfectly normal to expect certain things for yourself; such as, the person you love (and who says he loves you) being committed to you - and you alone - and everything that goes with it. Yes, in an OW situation you are not going to get that immediately, but at some stage MM has to make you his no 1 priority (with the kids of course!!!). If he is not prepared to do that, well that's fine, but of course you would also have to cut your losses and move on to find someone who WILL make you his no. 1. You also say that you ended up an OW and a cheater (albeit very briefly) even though you would never have expected to. I wonder has that affected your own self esteem as well? I don't accept that asking for more is unfair, selfish or putting MM under "undue pressure". In your case it has been going on for 3 years. Surely that is enough time for him to have a good idea of where this is going? I am worried that you are now settling into this routine of being the OW, partly because you feel that you haven't got the right to ask for more (which is rubbish!) because you would also run the risk of losing him, partly because you have simply got used to it. I agree with people before me that the tingle is still there because you haven't got past the "hooney moon" period, but human beings are creatures of habit. Mostly I think that there is a certain acceptance of the situation because you are scared of what might happen if you do ask for more. I also worry that the longer you stay in this, the less you will feel able to ask for more, or leave if you have to. It is also the time factor, the more time you invest, the more you feel you have to lose by "getting difficult"? You say that you are not unhappy being the OW "yet", but I don't think you would be posting here if you were happy either? I think that you are slowly beginning to questions this scenario (and I think you a right!) And if you really aren't unhappy yet, you probably will be... You are scared of becoming an lonely old lady? Well, unless your MM decides to invest his future on you, then you will be... You will not get him 100% (or even close to it) and you will not be available emotionally to someone else either. I think you should stop thinking about HIM for a while, think about YOURSELF. Wanting a real, committed, grown up relationship with someone who loves you is NORMAL. That is what probably 99.9% of all people want. You should not be embarrassed about saying it. We are on your side here, and that includes me. I don't want to sound harsh, but I don't think you actually realise that you deserve better than this. I am an OW, so I know the mental gymnastics that you are struggling with. But I am truely worried that you seem to think that you do not deserve more. I never felt like that; I told my MM in the 2nd week that I am NOT mistress material and that at some stage he would have to leave his W and if he was not willing to do that, then we would have to come to an end. I wasn't going to pretend to be "cool" and play games, I wanted him to know the score from the start. He looked a bit surprised when I said that, but I did not apologise! Stay with us and keep posting. We are here to help. OK?
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