AlwaysHope Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 i have posted here several times under other categories about my relationship, which is falling apart at this very moment. i've gotten wonderful advice from all of you about my boyfriend, who has a compulsive lying problem. i finally started to realize that i'm not alone and that other people have dated men with personalities similar to my boyfriend's. i am still in school for the summer, and he has gone home to see his parents in texas. two nights ago i was out (and had too much to drink), and he called me around 11:00pm. a small argument got started which escalated into a loooong conversation. he told me that he was through with me because i was taking up time that he needed to sleep and rest, and he didn't want me to do this to him in medical school. that seemed like a trivial reason to end a year-and-a-half long relationship. we've been talking over the past day, and he'll say we're over, and then i'll start to say goodbye to him. i wish him good luck in medical school and thank him for whatever good times we had. then he says, "well, let's just take this one step at a time." he doesn't even have the balls to break it off clean. he told me that i wasn't worth arguing with, and that he didn't love me enough to go through a fight with me ever again. so there goes the "for better or for worse" part. the same night, he cancelled our relationship on the college website Facebook. that sounds ridiculous to the rest of you, but this website is essentially a message board for every college student in america; it's a huge fad right now. i've been getting phone calls from our friends who saw it on the stupid website. he cancelled his relationship with me, and then added details to one of his friendships with a girl, saying he's "hooked up with her and it was fabulous." this killed me. was there another girl involved? i called and asked, but since he lies to me nonstop, there is no way i can believe him. he says he doesn't want me interfering with his med school life, his success, and his goals. i don't know why i feel so broken-hearted. all of my friends have told me to leave him or let him go (including his sister). my mom has said he's never allowed in her house again. no one is in favor of our relationship. he has a history of being so verbally abusive, manipulative, and controlling. i guess it's just the thought of losing that future we'd planned together. when we were together everything was so wonderful; he was romantic and thoughtful, at least sometimes. i don't want to be alone, but i guess there's someone out there who won't insult me and throw temper tantrums. at this point, how can i ever believe what he says again, now that i know he is a liar? people have told me that no relationship can be built on lies, and i understand that. i'm trying so hard to be strong. i need to let him go, and tell him on his way out that i knew this whole time about his lying, and let him think about that for a while since he thinks he's got the upper hand on me. any words of comfort would be appreciated. i know i'm not the only person in the world going through this, and it could be a lot worse, but it still hurts. any nice, caring, gentle single guys out there?
riobikini Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 You're relationship with this person amounts to nothing more than emotional blackmail, and a cruel turnings of the psychological knife. End it. And don't pick it up again. -Rio
Big_A Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 I agree with Rio. This is obviously not good for you. It might hurt but getting away from him is probably the best thing you can do. Your life will have an opportunity to blossom on its own if your free of the toxicity of that relationship.
riobikini Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 P.S. Thanks for the "Ditto!", BigA....and I apologize for the typos....didn't check the post this time....though, certainly no rocket scientist, I'm a little more intelligent than my grammar makes it appear..(Smile). -Rio
GB111 Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 I'll throw my hat in the ring too. This is obviously a bad relationship. For what it's worth, my ex broke up with me about 3 months ago, and since, has strung me along with a constant barrage of lies and manipulation. I even found out she had been lying about some fundamental issues while we were dating. While I thought for quite a while that I wanted to reconcile, I realize now that I want things to be the way they once were again. Needless to say, this can never happen. I don't know how I can ever trust her again knowing all the lies she's told. A relationship without trust is no relationship at all, and is bound for failure. The good news is you can walk away from this knowing YOU did nothing wrong. You gave him every opportunity and he did not accept. Move on, and yes, there are PLENTY of good guys out there. Just beware, as there are more of him out there as well (as there are females as well). Best, GB
avellana Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 I feel for you, but it sounds like a really unhealthy relationship. I just got out of a long term relationship with someone who was abusive, controlling & manipulative. I didn't realize the extent of the abuse nor the impact until I went to counseling. He was very suttle & clever about it- he completely broke my spirit. Never again. Don't argue, explain or defend yourself- just say good bye and walk away. Focus on what will make you happy and your future. If you miss him, just say to yourself 'this is about me now' and bring the focus back to yourself. I know it's hard, but be strong, free & look forward to the future.
MadDog Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 he has a history of being so verbally abusive, manipulative, and controlling. i guess it's just the thought of losing that future we'd planned together. when we were together everything was so wonderful; he was romantic and thoughtful, at least sometimes. i don't want to be alone, but i guess there's someone out there who won't insult me and throw temper tantrums. You can't stand the thought of losing a future of verbal abuse, manipulation, and being controlled? Yeah. I'm sure you'll be able to find another guy who can offer you all that without a problem.
overwhelmed Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 Break-ups are always tough (i'm going through much of the same). But honesty and caring are the foundation of any good relationship. Everything is based on that trust and mutual respect and without that, there is nothing. From the sounds of your post, this guy wasn't too big on the honesty stuff (not to mention the other problems you seemed to have with him). As hard as it may be, you have to admit that there is no future with this kind of person. It sucks, especially when you've planned a future with a certain person only to find that they really don't fit into it. It's extremely hard not to look back and only see the good times. The feelings of loneliness can motivate you back into an unhealthy relationship just because it seems better than going at things solo. I've made this mistake repeatedly. Just know that eventually, things will be OK. The heartache will fade and will be replaced by the love of someone who is honest, caring and actually worth what you have to offer.
Author AlwaysHope Posted May 24, 2006 Author Posted May 24, 2006 thanks so much to everyone who responded to my post!!! i'm feeling much much better now. my bf and i have not completely broken it off; we have talked every day and been more honest with each other than ever before in the relationship. however, i know this doesn't change things. i am going to tell him i want a break for the rest of the summer, and then if he wants to he can start casually dating me again. not bf/gf, but he can take me out on a date and we can get to know each other again. this way, if we are meant to be together, we can start building a new foundation of trust that we never had. if we meet other people in the meantime, it wasn't meant to be!! i care about myself too much to let someone hurt me. thanks again for all the support!
conker99 Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Break-ups are always tough (i'm going through much of the same). But honesty and caring are the foundation of any good relationship. Everything is based on that trust and mutual respect and without that, there is nothing. From the sounds of your post, this guy wasn't too big on the honesty stuff (not to mention the other problems you seemed to have with him). As hard as it may be, you have to admit that there is no future with this kind of person. It sucks, especially when you've planned a future with a certain person only to find that they really don't fit into it. It's extremely hard not to look back and only see the good times. The feelings of loneliness can motivate you back into an unhealthy relationship just because it seems better than going at things solo. I've made this mistake repeatedly. Just know that eventually, things will be OK. The heartache will fade and will be replaced by the love of someone who is honest, caring and actually worth what you have to offer. hey overwhelmed, i saw your other post about the promiscuous girlfriend and wanted to reply but the thread was locked. sorry to get off topic on this thread but i wanted to say to you i am having exactly the same problem. it's really destroying me inside. keeps me up all night brewding about it to the point where death seems a reasonable release from it. everytime i think i have a handle on it, the images of all those men getting to use her just for sex keep flashing in my mind until i want to punch holes in the walls. i loved her so much, but now i can barely even look at her, i litterally get sick just seeing or hearing her and and want to shove her away from me. like the replies to your thread, everyone tells me just to let it go and "the past is in the past" but that doesnt help at all, it makes it worse in fact. i dont want to lose her over this, but i cant get rid of these feelings of disgust and anger, they just wont go away. did you ever find a way to cope with it? or was leaving her the only thing that worked for you?
BadChoices Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 he told me that i wasn't worth arguing with, and that he didn't love me enough to go through a fight with me ever again. so there goes the "for better or for worse" part.
BadChoices Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Always Hope.......Your story sounds alot like mine. Supposedly the reason my ex broke up with me 4 wks ago was because he can't take the arguing any longer. However, 1 week later he was with a girl that had broken up our relationship 8 yrs before, and now he is seeing her nonstop! When I was having LC with him the first couple of weeks, he said he was only with her so he could get over me! LOL.....he is such a liar. Sorry I sound so bitter, but I have been through this too many times with him. I sometimes think I am more mad at myself than him. I just want to get off of this rollercoaster, but like you........there is a small part of me that wants my life back like it was before I knew he was cheating....I have had NC for 7 days and feel only slightly better. I know it will take time..........BUT IT HAS TO BE OVER! I CAN'T LET MYSELF BE USED BY HIM AGAIN.
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