keetan312 Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 I'm new here but I desperately need some advice, I don't know where else to turn other than to seek professional help. My fiance and I have been together for 3 years, we have 1 child together - a 17 month old boy. Ever since the baby was born, my fiance has been acting different, he works long hours yet never really deposits any extra money into our account. Instead, he takes money out of my deposits leaving a negative balance - leaving me with no money to purchase food, gas or even pay bills. Recently, I have had to borrow money from relatives so that I could pay for our child's daycare and my car payment. As if that's not stressful enough, he has started not coming home at all on the weekends. When I call his cell phone, he never answers and calls me the next morning picking a fight and blaming me for him not coming home. I've asked him if he is seeing someone else and screams at me for accusing him of cheating. I have offered to have an open relationship so that he can go get his jollies but he doesn't want me to be with anyone else and states that he will kill anyone that I see. He is often destructive when we fight, destroying walls and doors with his fists and he uses our fights as a way to leave me and I have to call him and literally beg him to come home and promise to behave perfectly so that I don't upset him again. If we did not have a child together, I wouldn't even be typing this. I am willing to put up with pretty much anything (obviously) to keep our family together. I want my son to have a relationship with his father. My father left when I was 6 and never had much of a part in my life and I do not want that to happen to my son. I try so hard to make my fiance happy but it never seems good enough, the food I cook isn't what he wanted, I don't make enough money, I don't keep the house clean enough and once in awhile we run out of clean towels. So I don't know what to do. My son already is upset because Daddy is never around, but I know that no one will ever love my son like his real father. Should I kick him out or keep trying to make it work?
lone56wolf Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 Honey, you have put up with far more than enough. I'm one of those people who'd stay in a bad relationship hoping things were going to get better too. It never does. You described someone abusive and, to be honest, dangerous. Death threats against anyone are a red flag big enough to tent New York. He's refused to explain himself, so it's time to move on. There's thousands of better guys out here. Wolf
daphne Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 keetan, As someone who was married to a physically and verbally abusive man, I urge you to get out of this relationship. If it hasn't degraded into him hitting you yet, it probably will at some point. Regardless, this is an extremely unhealthy environment for you, and will bring about some damage to your child. Do you want him to see what his mother was willing to put up with? You can give him enough love on your own. It doesn't sound like your fiancé is capable of it. You got a lemon. Try to make some lemonade. Take care of yourself. You really deserve better.
GB111 Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 Wow. I'm not even sure what to say. Run as fast as you can. Things will only get worse, and frankly, I'm worried for your safety. BTW, you are incorrect that nobody will love your son like his father. There most certainly is someone who will, and he can still have a relationship with his birth father. Oh, and I can't imagine he's not cheating on you. There is no reason for an engaged man to be out all weekend without telling his future wife where he is. If he's not cheating, he's certainly open to it. RUN. It will be tough, but it's only going to get harder. Wishing you all the best... GB
stacym75 Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 Well you probably think that there isn't anyone else for u but there is ,is this relationship anything you imagined it to be?Probably not.If you are questioning this relationship then u need to get out.I wouldn't call any man and beg him to come home and tell him i will behave ,whats that all about.What about him behaving ?Is that normal for any man to stay gone all weekend and don't tell u what he is doing.My opinion is that u should leave ,you and your son will be better off in the end.
willduggan Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 this may sound depressing or maybe not i dont know. my mom stayed with my father even though he was a very verbally abusive/drunk for as long as i can remember him. he would often belittle my mom and call her all sorts of names, even in front of my brother and i (he didnt care) now that im 21 my mom got a divorce (FINALLY) and hes out of my life, a blanket of stress was lifted off of me. but his abuse has left scars, i catch myself doing things i saw him doing , and find myself getting upset at things that shouldnt upset me, so it takes some extra effort to not be a big jerk like my dad, but for the moral of the story i wish that my mom had left him after my brother was born, it may have been tough money wise but our lives would have been MUCH happier without him as a role model. i agree with everyone elses comments. you HAVE put up with enough, no man/woman should have to deal with someone abusing them at every step and even possibly cheating on them. get away from him now before he hurts you or your child.
a4a Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 Just because his DNA is part of this child does not make him a father. You certainly are allowing more damage to your child by letting this sort of person be around him. The man is dangerous and will eventually threaten your child or harm you and the child. I would suggest that you move out ASAP. Most likely you will need a restraining order once you do that. Ask the judge to force him to go to anger management courses before visitation times are allowed/set up with your child. You are going to cause more harm to that child by your need to cling to this man. This is not about YOU and your father, this is about a person in your childs life that is dangerous. As a parent you are obligated to keep your child out of harms way both physcial and emotional harm.
lone56wolf Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 Any man can be a father, but it takes the best sort to be a "Dad". My ex's father was a mean-tempered drunk and her mother stayed because leaving wasn't quite as fashionable as it is today. If you'd like to see how she turned out and what relationships mean to her, read my Autopsy of a Dream (in here somewhere) There are men out here who will welcome the opportunity for the package deal - you and your son - and will never regret a moment of it. Wolf
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