2020vision Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 So, I am spending another night alone and really am starting to think I am going to go insane here pretty soon. All my friends are either with their boyfriends and the one friend that always is there for me, is away with family this weekend. I knew this weekend would be hard, but no clue how bad it would feel to be this alone. I find myself driving around with nowhere to go. Its been 2 weeks since I have changed my number and closed the door on my ex ever contacting me again. It feels like I am going through some sort of detox. Cold turkey, and it sucks. I have done NC before, but I guess I just always knew that he would call. I know that changing my number was a very positive step, but it just hurts. I feel like I have started from square one in the breakup all over again. I am upset with myself. It has been 6 months, and I am still like this. I should be so much further than this. I keep thinking this is some sort of setback and I will be better soon, but this feeling is not going away. Thanks for reading my pitty party. It makes me feel better just to get it out. -2020
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 I'm so sorry that your friends aren't there for you. I know what that feels like, and I also know what driving around aimlessly feels like. Sure did a lot of that for weeks and months on end. Sometimes I just didn't want to be sitting at home reading alone, so I'd take my book over to a coffee shop just to be around people. I felt pathetic, but it helped in some way. It's really hard to go through this alone. And you're probably feeling such raw emotions because this another recent step in your healing process. Give yourself time.
In Sync Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 This "detoxing" is about the healthiest choice you could do for yourself. You are not alone and this is not a setback...from another perspective it's a birth of a new you. And really have you ever heard of any birth being completely painless?...but it's the reward of feeling stronger that is worh it all.
Author 2020vision Posted May 21, 2006 Author Posted May 21, 2006 Jen-Thanks for the advice. Thats a good idea..Although, the book I am reading happens to be "Why Men Love Bitches" don't know if that would be too good to be out in public with...LOL Thanks for the kind words. Insync- You always have something so intelligent to say. Thank you, I do not feel as alone now and just a bit more positive about this whole deal. And heck, its already 9 here, nights almost over I guess. -2020
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 Jen-Thanks for the advice. Thats a good idea..Although, the book I am reading happens to be "Why Men Love Bitches" don't know if that would be too good to be out in public with...LOL Thanks for the kind words. Insync- You always have something so intelligent to say. Thank you, I do not feel as alone now and just a bit more positive about this whole deal. And heck, its already 9 here, nights almost over I guess. -2020 Well, that's what book covers are for! Or you could always glue on the cover of an old book. That way the cute guy sitting at the table next to you won't see it.
la_ant Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 I just changed my phone number for the same reasons tonight. Oh well. Me
bendit Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 Hello 2020, in a way you Are starting from square one. Unfortunately the real Healing starts only after contact stops. While you were in there doing the dance with your X, your mind was occupied with fantasies that he might change and that you could have the dreamy romance that you two experienced intermittently in your relationship. But InSYnc is right. The pain is necessary right now. This pain means that you are in fact detoxing and you have let go and now are starting to heal. That's why it is so so important to not ever have contact with the X again. You will get a setback and have to start from Zero again. Day by day it will get easier 2020. Trust us on this. But you must Cooperate and do your part. And that means keeping that door closed forever. regards
Author 2020vision Posted May 21, 2006 Author Posted May 21, 2006 Thanks, "Dreamy Romance" is right...Thats what I keep thinking. I said it in another thread, but I keep having this dream that he comes back and rescues me like some princess out of a disney movie. I guess its just because he called me princess a lot?? lol. A lot of my pain right now is also coming from dissappointment. Since he has been so dramatic latley, I keep thinking that he is going to just show up at my doorstep and we will live happily ever after. Its pretty bad, literally everytime I hear a car door close or I hear the stairwell door close I keep thinking its him and get up and look out the window for his car...*sigh* It did not help that the day I changed my number he was sitting in the parking lot right below my apartment. And the truth is, no matter how much it shocked me, I wanted him to be there. I guess I almost felt like cinderella when he was fighting to see me. I did not give him my number, but has he tried to pull any stunts like that to contact me since?? No, he has given up and I guess that is what hurts like hell. His giving up really proves to me how much he does not care. The routine we have been going through of him contacting me and it always ending up with the same end result that he was just using me for some extra attention, while he runs home to his real g/f, got really old. So, changing my number was the best thing I could have done. But, on the brightside I have had thoughts lately about how nice it is going to be when I meet someone new and truley fall in love with them. Not just because of the attention they give me...Not sure if that made sense, but it did to me...lol I used to have pretty bad self esteem issues, and I have pretty much diminished them. When I was with him, I allowed him to treat me like crap because of my issues and because he would give me the reassurance and attention I craved so badly. This is really good though, I am making some breakthroughs as I type...
In Sync Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 Thanks, "Dreamy Romance" is right...Thats what I keep thinking. I said it in another thread, but I keep having this dream that he comes back and rescues me like some princess out of a disney movie. I guess its just because he called me princess a lot?? lol. A lot of my pain right now is also coming from dissappointment. Since he has been so dramatic latley, I keep thinking that he is going to just show up at my doorstep and we will live happily ever after. Its pretty bad, literally everytime I hear a car door close or I hear the stairwell door close I keep thinking its him and get up and look out the window for his car...*sigh* It did not help that the day I changed my number he was sitting in the parking lot right below my apartment. And the truth is, no matter how much it shocked me, I wanted him to be there. I guess I almost felt like cinderella when he was fighting to see me. I did not give him my number, but has he tried to pull any stunts like that to contact me since?? No, he has given up and I guess that is what hurts like hell. His giving up really proves to me how much he does not care. The routine we have been going through of him contacting me and it always ending up with the same end result that he was just using me for some extra attention, while he runs home to his real g/f, got really old. So, changing my number was the best thing I could have done. But, on the brightside I have had thoughts lately about how nice it is going to be when I meet someone new and truley fall in love with them. Not just because of the attention they give me...Not sure if that made sense, but it did to me...lol I used to have pretty bad self esteem issues, and I have pretty much diminished them. When I was with him, I allowed him to treat me like crap because of my issues and because he would give me the reassurance and attention I craved so badly. This is really good though, I am making some breakthroughs as I type... This is the greatest thing to have happened to me despite all the pain I went through doing NC and truly relearning about my traits. if this adversity didn't reach a point of extreme hurt I'd end up for sure repeating the same scenario. I'm stronger but building my self esteem up is always an ongoing process. In fact I think one can rarely reach a point where the self-esteem is fine and ok, what we think are people with high self esteem are often better at creating a better facade and scratch the surface without self reflection they've issues with their esteem that has just as critical. Fir example, my X often boasted about his esteem and his confidence but rejected criticism because everyone didn't know anything, he was superior, or his lack of empathy for those less fortunate was a shield for I must portray an image of strength and never display vulnerability. In otherwords self esteem is always an area for improvement at any given time at any given age...the beautiful part about this time is the chance to look at your traits and patterns that lead you to this point. And confronting it. No longer being held hostage to the "things that happen to you" stance. How many people all day walk around in ignorance to all things around them including what's happening with themselves. Only people with sensitivity can do them and that's brave.
Author 2020vision Posted May 21, 2006 Author Posted May 21, 2006 Exactly. My ex always walked around with his head held high acting like his sh*t doesn't stink. But, the reality is that he has probably the lowest self esteem I have seen. He was a classic case of "can dish it out, but can't take it" He could criticize me, then when I would have a come back or would just simply defend myself, and I some how would end up being the bad guy...ugh, nice reminder of how crappy life was with him! My mother told me when I first started going through this breakup, that it takes a special kind of a person to look inside themself and fix the problem. You are right, how many people go through failed relationship after failed relationship not even realizing how to fix it blaming their failed relationships on not finding the right person. While that is part true, I am a firm believer that everyone controls their own happiness. For example, my ex has been through about 3 failed relationships. He repeats the same patterns everytime. If I were him, I would get sick of living a life like he does, living in a sort of revolving door. he just jumps from one relationship to the next, not even realizing that he could be the reason that his life is not going the way he wants it. And like my mother, she is married for the third time. Although she is very happy with my step dad, it took her two failed marriages to look inside herself and find out how to be happy, with or without someone. You have to want to change, and want to not be the victim anymore.
In Sync Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 Exactly. My ex always walked around with his head held high acting like his sh*t doesn't stink. But, the reality is that he has probably the lowest self esteem I have seen. He was a classic case of "can dish it out, but can't take it" He could criticize me, then when I would have a come back or would just simply defend myself, and I some how would end up being the bad guy...ugh, nice reminder of how crappy life was with him! My mother told me when I first started going through this breakup, that it takes a special kind of a person to look inside themself and fix the problem. You are right, how many people go through failed relationship after failed relationship not even realizing how to fix it blaming their failed relationships on not finding the right person. While that is part true, I am a firm believer that everyone controls their own happiness. For example, my ex has been through about 3 failed relationships. He repeats the same patterns everytime. If I were him, I would get sick of living a life like he does, living in a sort of revolving door. he just jumps from one relationship to the next, not even realizing that he could be the reason that his life is not going the way he wants it. And like my mother, she is married for the third time. Although she is very happy with my step dad, it took her two failed marriages to look inside herself and find out how to be happy, with or without someone. You have to want to change, and want to not be the victim anymore. I am glad that you are getting my point through my examples...but I want my examples only to serve as insight for you, because you are here for help and your ex is out the picture. One of the toughest things to do through this time of NC is start getting out solving their (the X's) issues. You already know what his are and now it's done you've wiped your hands clean, the dust is off. Each time you start thinking about his issues catch yourself and turn the camera back to you. This is not about picking you apart and blaming yourself because that just leads to another form of denial, blaming yourself. But truthfully and objectively start looking at how you got to this point. It's a bit like a scavanger hunt...Yes he's treated you badly but now you know why you took it, it's beyond self esteem, that's just usually the surface, but now look into that box and look again and see what's underneathe that. It's tough but we are human and if anyone going know your weaknesses it may as well be knowing your own. Knowing your weaknesses makes you strong.
daphne Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 2020, Try "It's called a breakup because it's broken". That helped me ENORMOUSLY. Two key things it teaches is no contact for a minimum of 60 days (absolutely none) and don't leave the house unless you look good. I started doing that (alraedy was in nc) and I started feeling a lot better about myself and was happy again. A lot more people pay attention to you when you look good than when you look hollow and like someone just dumped you.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 and don't leave the house unless you look good. I don't know if that's the best advice. Going through a break-up can cause a depressive episode, which would only be made worse by staying inside and isolating yourself.
Author 2020vision Posted May 21, 2006 Author Posted May 21, 2006 Insync- Thank you. I need to revert all the attention away from my ex. I have said this before, but I could sit here for years trying to figure him out but that is a waste of my energy. Thank you for reminding me of this. Daphne- lol I have actually already read that book. About 3 months ago. Perhaps I need to revisit it! It was hilaroius and very helpful, definetley helped form a lot more positive opinions about the break up.
Big_A Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 While what you are going through is hard, you are right. Changing your number to avoid phone calls etc was a very healthy choice. I have found that getting up and driving around is very good medicine, just getting out listen to some music and get into the driving groove. I am sorry you’re hurting, but a better life is out there and not far away.
Author 2020vision Posted May 22, 2006 Author Posted May 22, 2006 While what you are going through is hard, you are right. Changing your number to avoid phone calls etc was a very healthy choice. I have found that getting up and driving around is very good medicine, just getting out listen to some music and get into the driving groove. I am sorry you’re hurting, but a better life is out there and not far away. Thx, Reading your post helped me tonight. I just don't know why I cannot shake this feeling that my ex and I are destined to be together. Its like I have this chip in my brain that is programmed to believe my life is suppose to be a fairytale. UGH, just want this feeling of longing for him to go away.
lovelorcet Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 I know what you mean about that feeling for longing or “supposed to be” it was something that really bothered me for a while. I am not sure if this helps but this is how I kind of worked my way through (and still am working on it to some extent) those feelings. I felt like I was longing to be with her but why is that. Why would I want to so dearly be with someone who has hurt me so much? I took some time to think about what it is I actually want. If she were to come back tomorrow would I even want that? The answer is no, I could never trust her again. So if I do not want to be with her then why do I have this damn longing feeling. Well the truth is I do long for something and that is someone to love, someone who loves me back and then all of these other characteristics, which I hope to find in a parson someday. That is when it clicked in my head, the longing that I feel is not really for her, maybe it is for the person I always saw in her or hoped she could be one day but I do not long for her. I have this picture in my head of this person that I want and it is when I realized all of this that her face started to melt away from that picture. Now I carry this faceless picture of someone who I hope to find someday. So is the longing gone? Nope, but I know someday I will meet someone new and I will know it is right because I have now had the opportunity to spend a lot of time thinking about what is it that I really want in a partner. Once I realized that then “meant to be” just faded away.
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